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Don't want another relationship after narcissistic abuse

(15 Posts)
wenhen11 Mon 25-May-20 16:25:43

I'm a new poster here and just wanted to get some feedback. I got out of a relationship with an abusive narcissist last year which has left me with emotional scars. Being honest my relationship history has been horrific and all of them have been abusive.

Deep down i have also always known that I'm a lesbian but forced myself to date men just to try to be 'normal' (even though i was miserable all the time). I would love to find love with a woman but feel too terrified to date again.

I'm in my late 30's and am constantly harassed and told I'll end up 'old and alone' if i don't find someone and this just makes my anxiety so much worse. Can anyone here relate?

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Mon 25-May-20 16:37:10

Who is harassing you? U fortunately if we have had narcissists I our life in one capacity, we often find we have them in another. Eg: fam or 'friends'.

First off, totally remove these arseholse from your life. Second, do all the reading you can on narcissists and how to spot them. And third take the time to learn how to be happy in your own company - also using this time to work on your boundariess. (Be aware that the later two are ongoing things that you will need to do wee refreshes on throughout your life. So that you can ontinue to spot arseholes and trust yourself to avoid them).

Only then can you think about dating again.
There are plenty of female narcissists too and you are right to be cautious.

No dating yet. You have other stuff to deal with first. But you'll get there.

Bunnymumy Mon 25-May-20 16:37:34

*unfortunately

Bunnymumy Mon 25-May-20 16:48:40

Oh and - you arent even forty. Even if you get a partner now, there was be nothing to say they would still be with you in your old age. You might meet someone at 45 who only stays for 5 year or someone at 60 who is there till the end. You'll probably have periods of being single, even when you are older, but so what? What's the big deal? You could have tons of pals, or a wee dog, or ho off travelling. Single doesnt have to mean lonely. And in a relationship doesnt necessarily mean happy. As you've learned.

Tell the judgey arseholse to mind their own damn business and keep their mouths shut if they have nothing nice to say.

Bunnymumy Mon 25-May-20 16:49:19

Fs

*would be

Ohnoherewego62 Mon 25-May-20 17:38:29

Have you any children OP??

First off, well done on getting out of a bad situation. It's not necessarily bad choices on your part but mere some people sense others vulnerability.

Anyone giving you a hard time for staying single and working on yourself shouldn't be in your company just now.

wenhen11 Mon 25-May-20 17:42:31

Bunnymumy thank you. It's actually been family members and aquaintances who have been the ones to go on and on about things. I now realise that i don't owe any of these people any explanation and they need to mind their own business. You are also right about relationships and as i know, a relationship really is not alwaus a guarantee against loneliness.

Ohnoherewego62 no I don't have any children. I've got endometriosis so am unable to have any

OP’s posts: |
Tappering Mon 25-May-20 17:43:19

Everything that @Bunnymumy said.

Besides, I'd rather be old and single than old and tied to someone I didn't love who treated me badly. A relationship is only worth anything if it makes you happy

Tappering Mon 25-May-20 17:44:24

Tell family members to back off and focus on their own lives. If they refuse to do so, then be less available to them. See them a bit less and spend time with friends who make you happy instead

NoMoreDickheads Mon 25-May-20 18:02:30

I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship again after finishing with my 'ex' who had narcissistic traits.

Like you, I think I'm quite gay- have had a few encounters with women but lack experience and confidence. I did have a relationship with a woman for a couple of weeks last year, so I know the right woman won't mind that I don't know what I'm doing. She wasn't the one for me as I wasn't particularly attracted to her, but it did boost my confidence/make me more optimistic for future relationships.

The whole thing of them not wanting you to be left alone is so retro! If I were you I like to think that nowadays I'd think I'd come up with some sort of comeback. You could consider what you might want to say.

You could a) say you don't have a problem with being on your own after the bollox you experienced with your ex

b) If you want to, instead say you're actually gay but lack confidence.

c) Say the whole idea that people should marry etc/be in a couple is so retro.

or

d) Something else that you come up with.

I suppose some people might even just say 'that's my business.'

AMemeByAnyOtherName Mon 25-May-20 19:07:58

I can relate. I name changed to answer because I guess I find it embarrassing. I genuinely don't feel attracted to men anymore. I've had horrific experiences with them and was it worth it for being straight? No. I could picture spending my life with a woman I love until the day I die, and I've been feeling that way for years now. I just don't think anybody would appreciate me saying 'hey I've never had a relationship with a woman before but are you up for being my first?'. I'm sure any decent person has better things to do than hold someone's hand when they could just meet someone who knows what they're doing and is comfortable in their own skin.

LexMitior Mon 25-May-20 19:17:59

The way you feel is okay. Your family need to mind their own business, but they may well be motivated in seeing you settled down after what has been I suspect a very nasty experience for you.

As for feeling that you prefer women to men, I’d just explore that for yourself. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone, and dating a narc can make you very suspetible to the idea you have to explain yourself to others. You don’t!

Spain1 Mon 25-May-20 19:24:26

@Bunnymumy I find that interesting what you said about narcissists. I sometimes feel I am surrounded by them.

pizzamaker Mon 25-May-20 19:25:35

I am in exactly the same position. Have been separated from ex, dated a few guys since and questioned what the hell I am doing.
I've always known I like women but like you have gone for guys because it's the norm.
I've now had two dates with a lovely girl who doesn't seem to mind my lack of experience. Just go for it, it might be the best thing you've ever done!

101521a Mon 25-May-20 23:28:32

I'm sorry to hear about everything you've dealt with x

And I definitely understand where you're coming from. I had a short but very intense relationship with someone I now suspect was a narcissist well over a year ago and still haven't recovered, in all honesty I feel like my 'sense of self' has been totally diminished...

I've recently had 2 separate incidents with men I suspect were narcissists too, it's like they can smell blood!

I briefly went to therapy and my therapist suggested it's not that some people attract narcissists, but most people have healthy boundaries in place that deter narcissists. Others lack those boundaries and hence end up with narcissists prowling around them.

If you're able to get therapy it might be really useful - if not, there's some good books out there that might be helpful, 'Out of the Fog', 'Why Does He Do That?', or have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube, she has some great videos smile

anyway wishing you well, it really does suck xxx

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