Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Those who have had a long term relationship or marriage with a man who has a short fuse/easily irritated - does he show that side to you?(15 Posts)
Those who have had a long term relationship or marriage with a man who has a short fuse/easily irritated - does he show that side to you?
or is he able to compartmentalize it to just other areas of his life?
You know the kind of man who gets road rage if someone makes a mistake in driving, gets verbally annoyed at inanimate objects for not performing like he wants them to, etc.
(Please no posts saying you shouldn't be with someone like that as I guess everyone has weaknesses - another person who doesn't get easily irritated often has a shortcoming in another way) - really just interested to hear from people in relationships/marriages with people like that and if it affects their relationship, please.
Well if it’s to everyone then a case for anger management and lots of serious social embarrassment as someone cannot control their temper.
If it’s just directed at the family, out of sight and otherwise the person is utterly charming in company then you have an abusive person on your hands.
Politicians or party activists, cyclists not adhering to rules of the road, rival football teams during a game and happy clapping vegans trying to hand him leaflets all get short shift. With swearing. 0 to 60 in seconds and then it's gone.
The rest of the time he's Mr Calm. Never raises his voice at me or others. Just those few things.
My DH is like this a bit, he’s mellowed now as we have young DC, but it can still rear it’s head. I have had to have a few stern words with him about it though.
The way he saw it, he wasn’t getting mad with me or our twins so it wasn’t so bad.
The way I explained it to him, you are exposing it to us either way, so we are being affected by it. Me because you losing your temper over silly things puts me on edge, I grew up with my Grandparents - my Granddad had an explosive temper and I didn’t want to spend every day wondering when my the next, disproportionate reaction was going to be. Our DC are affected because they only see/hear that you are angry, that’s scary for them - they won’t be thinking “oh it’s okay that daddy is shouting and acting angrily because he’s only mad at the TV remote (example)” all they will see/hear is anger.
Did I have to help him through his temper issues? Yes - a lot - but the effort was worth it with him, but it did take a lot of patience from me, and some not so fine moments where I lost my temper with him (pre-DC).
Yes, regularly shouting and swearing with what sounds like the most uncontrollable anger down the phone when phoning a call centre... when it’s the automated computer bit. Human come on and he suddenly switches to polite and agreeable!!
He does the road rage and inanimate objects as well. I’ve never seen him lose his shit with a human, or with me / DC. Not sure why some people are like this but it seems to be a fairly common trait in men.
He has made a big effort since teaching DC a couple of choice road rage phrases and doesn’t show this side of him to them anymore so it is totally possible for him to control if he wants to, guess he just didn’t want to enough pre-DC!
DP has a very short temper, on occasion it has been aimed at me at the beginning of our relationship when he was under immense stress (no excuse but his DM had passed and there were some other issues) it has never been aimed at me since especially as I stand up to him and tell him in no uncertain terms to back off. He can have a bout of road rage on occasion and once I point out he’s making himself look stupid it’s over in seconds. If I could change one thing it would be his temper. It makes him sound awful but he is a lovely man, apparently he’s mellowed over the years, i have told him I would never have tolerated some of the antics I’ve been told about (from friends and family) and would have left him rather than put up with it, I genuinely think him being older but also someone not afraid to stand up to him and say stop has probably helped
As soon as you no longer serve a purpose to him, you'll see that face.
Divorcing one of these is torture.
DH is like this.
He does show irritation towards me and the children. I tell him off for it and he apologises.
We get on well otherwise.
My DH is a complete bastard to work for.
He owns a large company and expects everyone who works there to be a workaholic like him. He would think nothing of sacking someone. Years ago when he first met I was waiting in reception for him when two employees were talking about him calling him a fucking prick 🤣🤣
But he is nothing like that at home thankfully. He is very laid back, happy generous and since dd2 arrived he has cut his working day down and is always home in time to spend time with her.
I have a very short fuse and do all the things you describe OP. I try very hard to control it but I can't claim 100% success.
yes and i’m struggling with it. He never directs it at me as such but his lack of patience with everyone/thing else puts me on edge subconsciously and so if he does make any comments i tend to take them as him being impatient even if he doesn’t mean it that way. He really needs to change before our DC (15 months) copies him or things aggression is ok. I don’t feel at risk but i am utterly lost at how or why i’d want to put up with this forever. He’s generally a lovely generous and fun person but has a switch and can go from laughing to swearing aggressively at a light bulb in nanoseconds! I’m really losing the will.
How it works, is over time it gets worse and worse and you have to tread on more and more eggshells and you begin to think it is you ... when it isnt. Should you have children and your partner be ultra traditional, you can expect financial threats at every argument and be told "Who's the main wage earner" you may end up using all your savings for maternity leave and then gong part time and be accused of being a sponger. Your short tempered partner will certainly be unable to cope with children or teens being provoking and will "rip" the confidence from your daughter, who will likely jump into the arms of the first teenage numpty for approval that comes along and provoke aggression in your son. At some point he may actually physically attack you or cut off any support and certainly be unreasonable and vindictive should you split up. Good luck. Remember because you cope and are amazingly mentally strong and intelligently nimble to navigate the "short tempered one's self indulgent behaviour" doesnt mean you should put up with it. Please get some counselling.
Yes and yes it has been directed at me, once I got to the point of living on eggshells, I gave an ultimatum he goes or gets anger management counselling.
He went for the counselling and it's helped a lot, he's not a new man but much much calmer.
My ex had a short fuse, did show that side to me, and we are now divorced and I never have to walk on eggshells again. We were together for 22 years and the last many years of our marriage were increasingly awful. He also subjected me to endless silent treatments which would go on for 6 to 8 weeks.
So I am a lot happier out of it.
Please login first.