Split up after having a baby: how many of you has it happened to?

[RLEOM]

Whether you had PND or the stress of a new baby tore you apart, or for other reasons (cheating, financial stress etc), how many of you have split up from their partner (doesn't matter who left who) after having a baby?

I left my ex when my baby was 3 months old. I had PND caused by the discovery of his porn addiction, finding out he'd cheated on me at the start of our relationship, him prioritising another woman (who he is now with), we were stressed from lack of sleep, and it was the 2nd anniversary of my mum's death. I couldn't cope. I walked. He never looked back, eventually moved on with the OW.

I regret it, still love him - wish I didn't, often think we could've worked it out had we had more information about supporting each other and the challenges of a newborn, and the signs of PND and how to get the right support. Obviously wouldn't take him back now after him being with this other woman but it wouldn't have come to this had we had the right information in place.

I want to see how common it is and if you had any information prior to having your baby (midwife, antenatal lessons etc). Ideally, I want to try and find a way to help - I don't want families being destroyed through lack if understanding and support.

[Mumteedum]

Think it's common. I think it's hard though because maybe some couples could come through with more support but others, like me and ex, were never going to be happy. Strain of baby just brought out (his) abuse and everything that wasn't right.

[AngelsSins]

I think you’re putting too much weight on PND and not enough on him being a cheating, porn addicted scumbag. You did the right thing, does that means it’s easy or doesn’t hurt? Of course not, but you should be incredibly proud of yourself that even at your most vulnerable, you didn’t accept being treated like crap.

[RLEOM]

@AngelsSins - I'm over my experience, thank you. The cheating was when we were dating/becoming official, he broke it off with her (unbeknownst to me) so it was kind of like dating 2 people at the same time before making a decision, but he portrayed her as a friend and tried to get me to meet her, which is what hurt the most. I could've forgiven him for this had we had the chance to talk about it.

We could've worked through the porn addiction. It killed my self esteem but any addiction takes its toll on their partner. In any relationship you have to be prepared to support each other because life is never easy or straightforward, so this shouldn't be seen as a reason to leave, unless you've exhausted all avenues, which we hadn't.

I just want to see how many people have split up with their partner after having a baby, but thank you for your input.

[StLucia4]

My marriage collapsed within weeks after I gave birth to my 4th child, aged 4, 3, 18months and 12 weeks.

His ONS fell pregnant and was due to give birth 6 weeks later.

I knew this person as we were all based abroad in the military. They worked together and we were going through a rough patch.

He couldn’t live with the guilt and told me after she gave birth.

I kicked him out immediately and have never regretted it. Started divorce proceedings ASAP.

Their father has never once seen me short of money (never went down the CSA route), paid me monthly.

He has a ‘fair’ relationship with all of his children. They see him for the dickhead he is but still, he never fails to cook and buy gifts for them.

I was a stay-at-home mum until youngest turned 5 then went to work full-time. Have remained FT since.

Children all grown up now aged 23-28. We are so close.

He remained single for a whole year after his gf gave birth as he told his best man ... “I’m just biding my time.. she’ll take me back!”

Never laughed so much .. ever.
I did not take him back .
It can be done

[AngelsSins]

RLEOM I’m not trying to make you feel worse or invalidate your question (I think personally it’s very valid and more support would be beneficial) but I just hate too see women settling or even chasing men that treat them badly and I genuinely do think you should be proud of walking away. Yes people should support each other in relationships, but where was his support for you? It just seems to me like you deserve so much more.

[loutypips]

It would never work out with him if he cheated on you.
I'm sorry, but blaming lack of support from professionals is just an excuse. No way could a midwife or antenatal classes stop a man from straying or using porn.

Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes, couples assume that a baby will fix everything. But they don't. They make things harder.
Lots of couples split after having children. And honestly, it's better they split than giving their children a toxic home environment.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

DP left me when DD was 6 weeks old, never bothered with her and she's now 18.

[AnotherEmma]

I'm with @AngelsSins on this, OP.

[Zofloramummy]

Split when dd was 18 months old, after I got pregnant he stopped seeing me as a woman and stuck me in a pedestal as a mum. He had a porn addiction. He also had a psychotic break and I had to get SS involved re access. He was my best friend, he’s now someone I barely recognise.

Dealing with a partner who prefers to wank off to porn (which I find degrading and often dark) rather than them prioritising the relationship they have with their partner is difficult. We were like flat mates and co-parents, we had no intimacy. It wrecked my self esteem and took a long while to get over. I don’t love him anymore and I value myself far higher, I could never and would never wish I could rewind the clock. What’s done is done, in the kindness possible way seeking stories online isn’t going to help you move on. Counselling helped me, it may help you.

[Zofloramummy]

Kindest not kindness

[GilbertMarkham]

his porn addiction, finding out he'd cheated on me at the start of our relationship, him prioritising another woman

Sounds like three v good reasons to be glad the relationship ended and not get back together.

[RLEOM]

Thank you for everyone's input. I'm honestly not bothered about my situation, it's done and dusted. Despite still loving him, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole for all the above reasons. I wanted to give an example but it appears to be deflecting from my main reason for posting.

[GilbertMarkham]

Sorry, I'm a bit list re your main reason for posting.

You said you wanted to ask if people had been given I do that would've helped them after having a baby but only one if the things that caused you to break up with your ex could have been covered, as such, by midwife/antenatal etc. services .. the PND.

Your ex's porn addiction, cheating and lying way in the relationship and "prioritising" another woman are separate issues that would not be covered by antenatal services. It would probably be widely thought that if a partner dud those they(or both partners) should seek out counselling and resources related to those issues.
Not that counselling can make someone with no integrity, have integrity.

[GilbertMarkham]

*given info.

[GilbertMarkham]

Sorry about all the typos.

[Barbararara]

We didn’t split, so I don’t know if my pov is relevant. It was an extremely difficult period in our marriage, and just as difficult when we had dc2.

I think that some kind of antenatal education for dads might have been helpful. I didn’t understand the effects of sleep deprivation even when I was going through it, or that the anxiety and rage I felt were part of what is unhelpfully called pnd. He isn’t a research and read up kind of person and couldn’t understand why I was breaking myself in the rocks of breast feeding, and had some unhelpfully outdated notions (backed up by his dm).

However, we got on with it. He was very considerate of me sexually. He was faithful. He did his best to support me and our dc. It was a steep learning curve, and while we weren’t at our best, he was doing his best as a husband and father.

It was definitely the time when our relationship was most vulnerable, but I can’t see what sort of help, support or education will help if a man is unfaithful or abusive.

[GilbertMarkham]

It was definitely the time when our relationship was most vulnerable, but I can’t see what sort of help, support or education will help if a man is unfaithful or abusive.

Agree

Finding out that your partner was unfaithful in the early stages of the relationship, including introducing you to the person they were unfaithful with as a "friend" and encouraging you to be friends with then etc. .... would test any relationship regardless of new baby, one etc.; many people would simply be unable to get past it, immediately or if they stayed, in the longer term.

Likewise a porn addiction (did it start before the baby arrived or ...?) is a huge and difficult issue that would test any relationship, again regardless of new baby/pnd.

As the poster above highlighted it also sounds like his response to stress and difficulties was more infidelity, if not physical - still focusing on and getting close to another woman. These are all related to him, and his choices.

[WelcomeToCranford]

Split in the second trimester (just) when he told ne to 'get an abortion or else". Stupidly, I didn't report his violent threats to the police or social care as I was in shock at this, so he got away with it. Hasn't bothered with dc from some point between their first and second birthday, although they paid CMS as they have a professional job so difficult to avoid paying without losing their registration.

[AgentJohnson]

If PND triggered you leaving, then thank God you had it, otherwise you’d still be with the twat.