Caught Checking Partners Phone

[Usernametaken098]

I'm looking for some advice about what I should do.....
I've been with my partner for around 11 months, however we're not living together though I spend every Wednesday and Thursday at his and when we don't have our kids at the weekend we we spend them together.

I have severe trust issues as every one of my ex partners have cheated on me and my last relationship which ended 3 yrs ago was very abusive. My current partner knows this and I have been trying so hard to put my past behind me, however its is very difficult.😣

Things were going well until about a month ago, I had spent the Thursday night at his and we both left for work on the Friday morning, however I decided to go to the petrol station for a coffee. To head out of town i had to go past my partner's house and as i did so his car was parked in his driveway when he should have been on his way to work.

My anxiety took over and i went to his door, he took a few minutes to answer it. I asked him why he was back home. He explained that he didn't feel like going to work. I asked why not tell me as I knew he was going through a lot at work so would definitely have supported him if he wanted to have a day off. He said that he was an idiot for not telling me.

Since that day I've been really anxious about how he feels about me to the point that I checked his phone a few times between then and last weekend, but I didn't really find anything.

He caught me checking his phone on Saturday and I don't know what to do. He wasn't angry but really disappointed and now our relationship seems strained. He said that we're ok and that he'll see me when he gets back from his course but the texts seem a wee bit different. He's still saying good morning and night with ones in between but I mentioned last night that my period was really bad with me passing a few clots and bleeding heavily which is unusual for me. He didn't even acknowledged it or say I'm sorry to hear you're not well.

So I'm wondering have a totally ruined everything or will he forgive me?

Sorry for the long post but need some advice. Thank you x

[MMadness]

You have to back off. Knocking on his door because he's not where YOU think he should be? Your anxiety needs to be dealt with as it will continue to impact relationships.

As for the text about your period? Truthfully, I'd not even send that to my partner and we've been together 5 years.

[PinkFluff2]

You definitely need to get some help with your anxiety. It will ruin every relationship you ever have if you don't.

The period text was probably too much information. I wouldn't send that to anyone. I think you were maybe sending it to try and get some reassurance from his response that he cares about you.

Maybe you need to give him a bit of space at the moment

[Nicolastuffedone]

Wow! You knocked on his door to ask why he was at home, checking his phone....and unless he’s a gynaecologist, why does he need to know about your heavy period??? Personally, I’d run a mile if I was him!

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I’d be furious if I caught a partner checking my phone because I wasn’t making the exact movements they thought I should be. Your insecurities and your previous experiences are not his fault or his problem to resolve: sure, he should be understanding and supportive, but it’s not for him to put right other men’s wrongs and alter who he is to make up for it. When we enter into a relationship we have an obligation not to make our shit somebody else’s shit, and you need to get whatever therapy, counselling or self-help so that this applies to you.

He’s probably having a bit of a think right now about what he wants to say to you next. That doesn’t mean it’s over just that, quite understandably, he doesn’t want to seep this under the carpet and pretend what you did was fine. Your period text was just a bit weird, really: I am the least squeamish person when it comes to bodily fluids and my partner knowing I sometimes have periods, but I wouldn’t send such a deeply unsexy and medical text to someone I was seeing.

[BeanBag7]

The period text thing is weird. I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years but I wouldnt text him to say I had a heavy, clotty period. What would you even say to that!?
Next time maybe say "I'm not feeling great, a bit hormonal at the moment" rather than going into gross detail.

[user1481840227]

If you are a strong couple then you'll work things out. If this ruins it then it wasn't meant to be.
I think therapy or some kind of self improvement is necessary here to help with your relationship anxiety to stop this kind of thing happening again.

[category12]

You were being a bit manipulative by trying to get him to feel sorry for you about your period.

[P1nkHeartLovesCake]

God just 11 months in and your checking his phone 🙄

You knocked his door because his car was on the driveway when he should of been at work

You didn’t like he didn’t answer the front door in his own home quick enough You then don’t like he didn’t tell you he wasn’t going to work that day

Why the fuck you text him telling him about your heavy clotting period, is beyond me? Why? What response did you want? 😂

It’s been 11 months, and in any relationship they don’t need to tell you every little detail.

God you need help for this aniexty and weirdness or no relationship is going to work. If I was him I’d be running........

[RichTwoTurkeyFriend]

You’re clearly not over your last relationship and it sounds like you need counselling to address some of these issues. Your behaviour is at best controlling and at worst, abusive. I think you should leave this man be and work on yourself for a while.

[Usernametaken098]

I would like to thank the poster's who replied with genuine help, but wow, just wow to the rest of you!!

I am fully aware that I have completely messed up this relationship, I don't need to bashed about it.

I was not manipulating him for sympathy as he always gives me lovely texts when I say I'm not well, but he didn't that time and I am worried that he is thinking about dumping me which he has every right to do so, but when I am not in anxiety mode and I'm not all the time I am a very loving, caring woman who gives her partner space, however when I saw that he wasn't at work my anxiety kicked in.

If you have never been affected by relationship anxiety then I am so happy for you, because when you have it you over think, you catastrophise every little thing to the point where you stop believing what you see and think the worse.

I came on this forum looking for advice not to be belittled and seen as some psychotic woman. I know my recent actions are out of order but I just want to try and have some hope that I haven't lost him because he is a great guy.

I am currently trying to sort myself out with some self help books, but now I am realising that counselling may be the best step for me.

[SpoonBlender]

Definitely go for counselling - if you can, pay for a session or two rather than wait six months for an NHS appt. Talking to someone about it is far far more convincing to your own brain than reading about it.

[LoonyLunaLoo]

I’m not sure people really can give you the hope you’re looking for though as we don’t know the man and we don’t know what he’s thinking.

For what it’s worth my DH if 10 years would be horrified if I text him that about my period.

[JorisBonson]

I do enjoy posters who come to MN, get a reality check and then flounce about saying how mean everyone is.

[onanothertrain]

I don't think I'd forgive you and its not just checking his phone you also questioned where he was and how long it took him to get to the phone. I'm not surprised he didn't show concern re your weird period text. He was probably angry at you and rightly so. It does seem quite manipulative.

[onanothertrain]

Door not phone 🙄

[NormaLouiseBates]

If you haven't already, you need to apologise to him and then give him some space. If your relationship is strong then he should forgive you. You need to ensure nothing like this happens again or you will drive him away. But you know all this. I can sympathise as I've had moments similar in the past and it's not great and it leaves you feeling like shit. Another vote from me for counselling. Worth looking into if your employer provides any; some big places do.

[plantainchips]

Honestly, I haven’t seen any mean comments bashing you. Just genuine replies.

Your period text was way too much information. No one but your gyn needs to know that.

[category12]

I know the responses seem harsh. But, you have to be honest with yourself, if you're going into counselling.

You've learnt some really awful relationship habits through being in damaging relationships, and that's not your fault, but you do have to teach yourself to spot, accept what you're doing and ultimately reject those habits.

So yes, you were going for the sympathy vote when you brought up your period, because you wanted his reassurance that things were back to normal, and it is a bit manipulative to use that to try to replace his disappointment with feeling sorry for you. You can change your behaviours tho.

[Shoxfordian]

I would dump you if I was him
You're acting like his probation officer not his girlfriend, going round to check up on him like that

[NameChangeNugget]

There are no excuses for your terrible behaviour.

[Musti]

He's with you because he wants to be. You spend all your kid free time together. He's not tied to you in any way so trust him. Apologise and tell him that it isn't him, it's you

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Ok, I was cheated on in my marriage too so get the insecurity but your bf is NOT any of your exes and if you can't give him the trust he deserves then maybe it's too soon for you and in all honesty, I think counselling might help. I had some after I found out about my ex and it helped me loads.

Re: the period thing...it amazes me how many owmen think periods are things to be ashamed of and not discussed! They are something that happen to MOST women MOST months and are perfectly normal. If I felt I couldn't tell my partner that I had my period and wasn't feeling great then I wouldn't be with them! I might not have gone into such detail but I think perfectly reasonable to let him know you weren't feeling great and the reason why.

[FavouriteSoul]

You shouldn't have knocked at his door to see why he was home. You shouldn't have checked his phone. The bid for sympathy with the period text was ill-advised. He's probably working out the kindest way to dump you, without provoking you into full bunny boiler mode.

Get some counselling, address your issues with someone impartial, and stay single for a few months.

[AliciaWhiskers]

I get the relationship anxiety, OP. It's horrible, and I can understand why you did what you did. However, you need to get some support and counselling to address your anxiety and trust issues. They won't go away by themselves, even if you meet someone you think is wonderful and you feel you can completely trust. Our past stuff continues to affect us until we acknowledge it, process it and address it.

For the moment, you are going to have to sit with the not knowing how this will affect the relationship, which I would imagine is fairly hideous for you (it would be for me). However, what will be will be. Regardless of what your partner decides to do, you need to work through your own issues so that this situation doesn't replay itself in the future, with this partner or a future one.

[BeanBag7]

If I felt I couldn't tell my partner that I had my period and wasn't feeling great then I wouldn't be with them!
Yes but theres a difference between "I'm on my period and not feeling great" and a graphic description thereof. It's not "being ashamed of periods". I would feel the same about any other bodily function - I might tell my husband I had a gippy tummy without telling him about the consistency of my diarrhoea.