Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex?

[malgrat78]

Hello, Father of a 12 year old Son here.

I separated from my Sons mum in 2012 & we have always tried to keep things amicable. At the beginning I lived in a 1 bed flat & my son stayed over on a Saturday night. When he was due to start High School I picked one that was a little more distance from his mum's house but it is a good school. I then decided to move to a bigger home close to his new school so that he could make his way to mine after school & wait for me to finish work. Over the last few years he started to find it difficult living at his mum's. There always seemed to be friction. I have never been totally happy with his mum's parenting skills which is one of the reasons that we separated. I suspected that she was taking amphetamines on the weekend & there were times where she allowed our son to have time off of school because she was feeling rough after her weekend binges. Due to my son starting high school & his unhappiness at his mums I suggested that he should stay with me 3 nights per week to which she agreed.

Over the last year things have got worse at his mums. Around 6 months ago she started seeing a guy who I later found out was on a methadone treatment plan. She basically moved him in within a matter of weeks. My son was immediately distressed especially as his mum tried to force my son to be affectionate to this guy. I have had reports from a neighbour that drug dealers are visiting the house. His mum is heavily in debt & she asks to borrow money from me regularly. Due to the concerns that I had I phoned Social Services who confirmed that the boyfriend was a know drug user but because there appeared not to be any immediate danger to my son they said they couldn't do anything. However, they did phone his mum who said everything was fine but she did lie about how many nights he stayed at my house. When I found out about that he was on a methadone treatment plan I advised his mum that I only wanted my son to stay over 1 night per week. I also spoke to my son prior to this & he said he wanted to be at mine 6 nights per week as he feels very uncomfortable around his mum's boyfriend.

When we changed from my son staying 3 nights to 5 nights I agreed that I would pay maintenance according to the .gov website calculator which calculates on him staying 3 nights per week or more. It doesn't give 5 nights. So, I basically reduced payments to what I thought was correct. She didn't like this & said that she wouldn't be able to manage to live which I found odd. The family based arrangement for child maintenance was agreed when we first separated & it was agreed that I would pay all her utility bills & give her any spare money left over totalling the amount calculated from the .gov website. So, what I did a couple of months ago was to stop giving her extra cash but still paid the gas, electricity, water, broadband & TV license.

I have started to struggle a little financially as I now have my son more & I still pay for things like clothes, his hair cutting, mobile phone, trips etc. She has stopped giving him pocket money recently & when I bought him his new school uniform which cost £200 she could only offer to pay me £20 a month towards it. This is all really annoying as she is on benefits & has her rent & council tax paid plus she now has this guy living with her who I don't think she has declared so I see no reason why she should be struggling for money unless she is in heavy debt which I believe she is or maybe the money is going on other things that it shouldn't be. But, at the end of the day my son is suffering. She also still receives child allowance from the government. When my son stays there he says that they are always mentioning that he should go back to living with his mum 3 nights per week but he doesn't want to. The boyfriend tries to make him feel guilty by telling him how upset his mum is that he wants to live with me more. They tell him that I am trying to buy his love because I spoil him which I don't. I enjoy taking him places & I will reward him when he has been good. I truly believe his mum & boyfriend have an invested interest in money & that is why they are always nattering him.

What made me post this question is that I have just stumbled across the Child Maintenance Service leaflet that says if both parents have shared care 50/50 then neither parents need pay maintenance. Prior to this I had agree with his mum that I would pay the bills totalling £160 a month. Now he is staying at mine definitely 5 nights & this could be 6 then I now think that I need not pay anything? If this is the case I have no idea how to break this to his mum as if I stop paying the bills she might not be able to have gas or electricity. I know this really isn't my problem & my main concern is to make sure my son is provided for which currently I do not believe he is from his mother. My current logic is that reducing the child maintenance that I currently give his mum can then go directly on my son for clothes & essential items. But, I am finding it difficult to not feel guilty if I do reduce the maintenance but again I currently have him stay over 5 to 6 nights so I cannot really see that she is entitled to much. Last week I had him 7 nights as he didn't want to sleep at his mums as he felt uncomfortable.

Any suggestions how I can tackle this & is it correct that should not be paying anything?

[ChilledBee]

I'd stop focusing on who gives who money and ensure you are down as RP for your son. That should be your focus - getting him safe and in a stable home. Then let him visit his mum when he wants to.

Recalculate the maintenance based on how often he stays with you now and adjust the amount accordingly. You'll be in the process of changing to RP anyway.

[ChilledBee]

And 50/50 = no maintenance isn't true for everyone.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I have never been totally happy with his mum's parenting skills which is one of the reasons that we separated. I suspected that she was taking amphetamines on the weekend & there were times where she allowed our son to have time off of school because she was feeling rough after her weekend binges
So you thought your wife was abusing drugs and wasn't caring for your son properly so you moved out and left him behind? Jesus christ.

Anyway, now you've finally stepped up, I think you have to be direct with her. I'd be making an application for the CB in your name as you have primary care, and tell her you won't be paying any maintenance as you have son all but one night. Tell her you're happy to have it resolved in Court if she's unhappy

[Thingsdogetbetter]

If he stays with you the majority of time surely you should be formalizing this? You are now the resident parent in all but name. She should be paying you maintenance. Your son is old enough now that courts will take his wishes into consideration and having a known addict in her home will also go in your favour. Your son needs stability and you are his best chance of that.

[Angrybird123]

I would basically assume that you are now the resident parent. Ring child benefit and tell them he now lives with you. Theyll investigate and transfer the payment to you .trchnically she should then be paying you maintenance but it seems unlikeky she would. I think its important that your son can see he is the priority here and you are doing your best for him. Whilst you have no obligation at all to help the rx with her bills, if you can afford to, maybe carry on for a bit but tell her to prepare fot it stopping. Keep contact minimal and do your best to protect your son frpm these discussions.

[Musti]

I would speak to a solicitor and looking to getting sole custody. He may be old enough to decide where he wants to live now.

[Aminuts23]

You shouldn’t be paying anything if he’s with you 6 nights per week. She should be paying maintenance to you

[malgrat78]

I would basically assume that you are now the resident parent. Ring child benefit and tell them he now lives with you. Theyll investigate and transfer the payment to you .trchnically she should then be paying you maintenance but it seems unlikeky she would. I think its important that your son can see he is the priority here and you are doing your best for him. Whilst you have no obligation at all to help the rx with her bills, if you can afford to, maybe carry on for a bit but tell her to prepare fot it stopping. Keep contact minimal and do your best to protect your son frpm these discussions Yes I was considering informing child benefit & also his school. I was thinking of giving her a months notice. I have already given her 3 months when I reduced it slightly before when it went from him staying 3 days to 5. She complained at this. I do not involve my son in any discussions about money & direct our discussions on him & how he is feeling. We have a good honest safe relationship with each other.

[malgrat78]

So you thought your wife was abusing drugs and wasn't caring for your son properly so you moved out and left him behind? Jesus Christ

Anyway, now you've finally stepped up, I think you have to be direct with her. I'd be making an application for the CB in your name as you have primary care, and tell her you won't be paying any maintenance as you have son all but one night. Tell her you're happy to have it resolved in Court if she's unhappy

With all due respect it wasn't as easy as this at the time. I didn't just leave my son behind & his mother was having months were things seemed ok then she would slip back into old habits. At that time my son appeared to be happy & would cry for his mum. Has he has got older things have gradually got worse to the point that we are at now.

[Cornishmum00]

You should be getting the child benefit now as she is claiming illegally if he doesnt live there majority of the time, you may then be able to claim tax credit if you wish. No maintaince should be paid by you (if anything she should pay you) go to court if she objects

[MoodLighting]

Should your son really be staying over at all if drug dealers are visiting the house? I'd look towards getting sole custody and would then certainly stop paying maintenance and get the child benefit switched over etc.

[malgrat78]

If he stays with you the majority of time surely you should be formalizing this? You are now the resident parent in all but name. She should be paying you maintenance. Your son is old enough now that courts will take his wishes into consideration and having a known addict in her home will also go in your favour. Your son needs stability and you are his best chance of that

The only way we can formalize this legally is through the courts. Before I can go through the courts we must attend mediation & my ex isn't willing to attend mediation. When I spoke to Social Services they said that they were putting me down as the main carer for my son. When my ex spoke to Social Services she lied & told them I only had my son stay 3 nights but Social Services said they would go with what I said. My Son regularly tells me that he is happy with the current arrangement but occasionally he will say that he wants to live with me full time.

[Gingerkittykat]

I agree that you should now get child benefit, but that could also backfire as she could demand he stays at hers for 4 nights so she can keep it.

Can you get it formalised in court you have residence? Is it a formal or informal arrangement you have now?

[malgrat78]

Should your son really be staying over at all if drug dealers are visiting the house? I'd look towards getting sole custody and would then certainly stop paying maintenance and get the child benefit switched over etc

This is why I changed it from 5 days to 6. I spoke to his mum & said that I do not feel that he is safe at her home due to reports of drug dealers etc. She of cause denied it. Plus I am not 100% certain I can rely on the reports of the drug dealers as it is from a neighbour who is currently having a disagreement with my ex. Her neighbour is concerned over my sons welfare too.

[malgrat78]

I agree that you should now get child benefit, but that could also backfire as she could demand he stays at hers for 4 nights so she can keep it

Can you get it formalised in court you have residence? Is it a formal or informal arrangement you have now?

She can demand he stays there 4 nights but then that is against my Son's wishes so I would take it to mediation & then court but she is refusing mediation so at the moment she is reluctantly going with what my son wants & what I feel is safe for him which is 6 nights. I think she doesn't want to go to mediation or through a solicitor because she knows things will be uncovered. At the moment everything is informal.

[BeesKnees4]

Give her nothing, your son lives with you and visits his mum one night. She gets her rent/council tax paid, you pay every other bill, so all she needs to do is feed herself off her benefits?? Stop funding her addictions. Your son doesn’t live there.

[malgrat78]

Give her nothing, your son lives with you and visits his mum one night. She gets her rent/council tax paid, you pay every other bill, so all she needs to do is feed herself off her benefits?? Stop funding her addictions. Your son doesn’t live there

I agree with this logically. The fact is that the money she has got is not going on my Son. This is the reason why I need to reduce the maintenance so I can provide for him. I have a screenshot from my son's big sister telling me that her mum is spending £10 a day on Cannabis! But, again I have no idea how true this is. What I do know is that she provides nothing for my Son but expects me to provide everything as well as paying her bills. I cannot remember the last time she bought him any clothes.

[ImNotYourGranny]

Your son is with you and that's where he needs to stay. Don't do anything that may risk that. I'd be worried that stopping/reducing maintenance might trigger her trying to get him back.

[LemonSqueezy0]

You can go to mediation and if she refuses to attend her meeting, they'll give you a specific form so you can go to court.

You don't need to pay maintenence and should stop now your son isn't there aside from 1 day per week... perhaps you should be getting it from her. Refer to (I think) article 50 to CMS. It sounds like she should be paying you - but that could be £7 per week.

Sounds like your son needs you to formalise this, and protect him.

[LongtimeLurker29]

I'm almost positive that if she refuses mediation then you need a form signed by a mediator to say that you tried/not suitable, then you can proceed to the court process. Could you discuss with mediation/solicitor if that is possible?

[Scott72]

This all needs to go through a solicitor experienced in custody matters.

[malgrat78]

Your son is with you and that's where he needs to stay. Don't do anything that may risk that. I'd be worried that stopping/reducing maintenance might trigger her trying to get him back

This is what is concerning me but financially I am now struggling as I am having to provide more for my son as well as still paying his mother maintenance for time he is not there. If this triggered her into trying to get him back I would not allow this as I am concerned about his welfare due to the guy she is living with so I would just refuse & as I have parental responsibility there is little she could do apart from seeking legal advice which I doubt she would do.

[category12]

You shouldn't be paying anything. You need to get arrangements formalised.

[Kittykat93]

Jesus she should be paying maintenance to you!!! Not the other way round. I honestly think u need to contact a specialist solicitor. No one on mumsnet will be able to give you the advice you need for this complex situation.

[MzHz]

Go to the cab and get them to advise you on how to get this formalised and your sons wishes upheld 100%

He’s old enough to decide and if he doesn’t want to go there, don’t make him.

You don’t need to pay her a bean.