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Grown up daughter in relationship with uni lecturer, advice pls!

(109 Posts)
Gemma4444 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:11:33

Hi, new on here, it’s great! In a dilemma and looking for advice. My DD is in her 20s and doing a Masters at uni. Last year she become involved with a lecturer in her field who’s in his early 40s I think. He’s moved to another uni for work but they are still involved. Firstly is this acceptable policy for a uni lecturer to have a relationship with a student? Does it make a difference if they are at different universities? I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study? I’m not sure whether I should do something about this or nothing! All advice gratefully received, thanks 😊🙏

AriadneesWeb Wed 10-Jul-19 11:15:45

Report to his university and let them investigate. Hopefully they’ll take a very dim view of inappropriate conduct, even if it isn’t technically illegal.

Lisette1940 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:17:17

Is he at a different University to her now?

Tighnabruaich Wed 10-Jul-19 11:17:34

I think AriadneesWeb suggestion is very wrong. Your daughter is an adult, not a child, and you can only give her your opinion and your advice. Not jump in and start reporting folk.

Bluntness100 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:18:10

There is no issue with this. They are both adults and he is not teaching her.

And if you take the pps advice and report it, then prepare to lose your daughter for good for meddling in her adult and perfectly acceptable relarionship.

Isadora2007 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:18:43

Is he and was he ever marking her work? If not, she is an adult as is he. Respect their right to have an adult relationship.

Walnutwhipster Wed 10-Jul-19 11:19:44

She's an adult. If you report him you will risk alienating your daughter.

2littleninjas Wed 10-Jul-19 11:19:54

Your DD is an adult and in a relationship with a man who is no longer at her university. There’s nothing unacceptable about that.

Lisette1940 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:20:25

Ah, I see he is. I think there would only be an issue if they were at the same Uni. It would then have to be declared to the University if they were working together professionally as grad student and supervisor for example. If he's working elsewhere then that's different.

Missbee90 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:20:40

Difficult one, your daughter is an adult and I think if you report it then it could cause a huge problem between you and your daughter, I may be completely wrong there but didn’t want to read and run. I understand your concerns and because he was at the same university why it could cause some questions.
I hope you get some more solid advice, i’m just thinking out loud as a 29 year old who has a great relationship with her mum I would be disappointed if she reported him and it resulted in us both getting in trouble when we’re both adults. I hope that makes sense x

Lisette1940 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:21:15

And I mean declared by them to the Uni.

Bluntness100 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:22:19

* I don’t like the relationship but I have a concern as well that if the relationship becomes public at her university could her lecturers think she’s cheating in her work as she’s with a lecturer in her field of study*

This is just ludicrous. Plenty of people have relations in the field they are studying, be it teachers, professors what ever, no one is thought to be cheating because of this

Benes Wed 10-Jul-19 11:22:46

It's only an issue if he's her lecturer and works at the same uni.

Now he's working somewhere else it's not an issue - certainly not professionally anyway.

Bookworm4 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:22:54

Report him for what? He works elsewhere, she’s not his student. Stop trying to interfere it’s none of your business, sounds like you don’t like him and are trying to break them up; a surefire way to lose your daughter.

HypatiaCade Wed 10-Jul-19 11:23:04

The issue would be if he is her mentor in any way. He isn't. So while you may not like it, they aren't currently doing anything wrong.

However, it sounds like she WAS his student? Is that how they met? Of concern is whether they began the relationship before or after he moved. If he moved because he wanted to be in a relationship with her, then at least he is taking the correct approach to it.

housewifeoflittleitaly Wed 10-Jul-19 11:24:16

Your daughter is an adult and obviously an intelligent one. Leave her to it, what harm is being done? Is it the age gap you don’t like?

Benes Wed 10-Jul-19 11:25:44

Oh and they won't think she's cheating as there are robust systems in place to deal with that.
My DH is just finishing his PhD in my faculty in the exact same subject I specialise in. It's not an issue.

Gemma4444 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:42:56

Thanks for advice so far! He was her lecturer before but I’m not sure if he was her supervisor, good point that one. If systems are robust for cheating, that’s reassuring. Yes I don’t like the relationship as the age gap is large and I don’t think they’re suited, I’ve got two friends who married older men and they both ended in divorce partly due to gap seeming to get bigger as they aged. However if someone is in love there’s nothing to be done and I wouldn’t interfere in that way. I was more concerned that the relationship could compromise her course/his job or both but feel better now. smile

Gemma4444 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:43:40


Gemma4444 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:44:53

Yes it does thanks

Gemma4444 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:46:28

I’m not sure if he marked her work as she started her masters while he was at the same uni, that’s how they met

Scott72 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:46:53

There's probably rules in place at his old college prohibiting relationships between professors and students, even graduate students. You could put in a complaint there I suppose and it might hurt his reputation.

Lisette1940 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:50:20

By the way my father in law was teaching on a grad programme in the 60s when he met my mother in law who was a master's student on the course. Her mother went absolutely ballistic when she heard about the relationship. They eventually married and are still married today but a minder had to be assigned to her mother at the wedding so she wouldn't object during the ceremony grin

Lisette1940 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:53:01

Given that she phoned up the church to cancel their first attempt at marrying, it was probably a wise move.

UncleJohnFromJamaica Wed 10-Jul-19 11:55:55

You could put in a complaint there I suppose and it might hurt his reputation

It really won't. Huge, huge numbers of male academics are doing the exact same thing as the man in the OP. It's vile.

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