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Do you see watching porn as cheating?

(219 Posts)
jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:46:57

My DM has caught my stepdad watching porn. She is so hurt and doesn't know if she can look at him in the same way because she sees this as cheating.

I do understand where she is coming from but at the same time I feel a lot of men watch porn. (Women too!)

What do you think? I'm trying to console her but I don't really know what to say!

AntiHop Tue 09-Jul-19 21:49:21

I see it as cheating. Also most porn involves violence against women.

BertieBotts Tue 09-Jul-19 21:49:36

No I don't see it as cheating. But it would bother me because I find porn is mostly quite degrading of women and I'd be upset to think that my partner was getting off on that.

TooManyPuppies Tue 09-Jul-19 21:50:15

No.

jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:50:21

@AntiHop I agree. I understand why she would see it as cheating.

She has very low self esteem as it is so this is going to make her feel worse. I feel awful for her.

Goldenhorn Tue 09-Jul-19 21:51:05

No

Justmuddlingalong Tue 09-Jul-19 21:51:14

I don't see it as cheating, but if your DM does, then you have to support her in her opinion.

OldAndWornOut Tue 09-Jul-19 21:52:10

No, I don't see it as cheating.

MerryDeath Tue 09-Jul-19 21:52:40

definitely not

jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:53:18

Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?

SandyY2K Tue 09-Jul-19 21:55:02

No. It's not cheating.

ADogRocketShip Tue 09-Jul-19 21:56:12

Not at all.

greyspottedgoose Tue 09-Jul-19 21:57:07

Personally I don't, I know my partner watches porn and we occasionally watch together, but every relationship is different and if it's an issue to your mum then he should respect that,. They need to talk openly about what they both expect moving forward

BertieBotts Tue 09-Jul-19 21:57:35

I do think there is possibly a generational difference - most people my age seem to see masturbation (obviously normal, healthy, not cheating) as synonymous with porn as though you can't do one without the other, and therefore porn is totally normal, healthy, and something everyone does as well.

Whereas for my parents' generation it was seen as something seedy and disgusting. I think there's a split as well there between men and women - in that women still think of it in that way whereas men of that generation have usually moved on from that mindset to the more modern view that Internet porn is normal and fine, but do keep it discreet from their wives in the main.

If it's specifically the cheating part you want to reassure her about maybe compare it to fifty shades of grey? But tbh I don't think I could stomach having a conversation about my dad's porn habits envy (not envy)

Justmuddlingalong Tue 09-Jul-19 21:57:56

*Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?"
Are you doubting the majority of posters who took the time to answer your question? 😕

KitKat1985 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:00:28

No I don't see it as cheating.

CountFosco Tue 09-Jul-19 22:00:37

Considering what the porn industry is like I think it means the person watching the porn has no empathy. They are watching underaged girls that are trafficked. Why would this turn you on? It's worse than cheating, cheating is consensual.

codenameduchess Tue 09-Jul-19 22:00:40

Not cheating, I don't see the problem with it unless it's something genuinely disturbing and/or illegal ... people masturbate, it's not a bad thing or a dirty secret. Maybe a conversation for a couple to have to agree what they are comfortable with, although I don't see how you can police a partners free time.

Honestly the only other caveat I would add is that it shouldn't be accessed on a family device that children use and history, cookies etc left behind.

SallyWD Tue 09-Jul-19 22:03:40

Definitely not cheating

jonesy22 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:04:03

Sdad had recently purchased a new tablet for my mum. Unfortunately for him his phone browsing history was linked up.

I do feel bad for my mum, we're all grieving for the loss of my Nan and this has made it worse. He hasn't even tried to be discreet about it.

3luckystars Tue 09-Jul-19 22:06:10

No. It's not.

DickZillaofTheVilla Tue 09-Jul-19 22:06:16

No

LoafofSellotape Tue 09-Jul-19 22:07:23

Not cheating but it's a deal breaker for me,I don't want to be with someone who has such little regard for women.

XXVaginaAndAUterus Tue 09-Jul-19 22:07:32

I would be okay with it, on the proviso that we had discussed and found that we were on similar pages regarding the exploitation of women in the industry and I'd like to know what he was watching - so much of it is as others have said violent or degrading treatment of women, "barely legal" or other stuff that I couldn't be attracted to a man who was turned on by it.

Also that it didn't affect our intimacy - porn addiction and porn related impotence are real. I was recently seeing an otherwise fit and healthy guy in his his 30s who couldn't sustain an erection because by his own admission he'd masturbated to porn too much and couldn't get reliably aroused without it. That's a problem, in a way that other types of impotence isn't.

SweatyPie Tue 09-Jul-19 22:11:07

I think you answered your own question. If you have low self esteem, of course you'll be bothered by porn(not saying that everyone who disagrees with it has low SE). But yes, you'll be upset.

I don't think it's cheating though. Plenty of people watch porn as a quick release. It's no more cheating than walking through the lingerie department to me.

BunnyKelly Tue 09-Jul-19 22:12:01

No

Jesus.

hadthesnip2 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:18:57

No.....definitely not. in fact if tge opposite. It can stop cheating by giving the viewer a release.

Also porn, in one guise or another, has been around for decades. In the early 1920's & 30's it was dirty photos. In the 70's & 80's it was "girly" magazines. Then came the VCR and then DVd's......now its on the internet.

Obviously some people don't like it. That's their choice. They may not like their partner watching it.......but its not cheating.

Winterlife Tue 09-Jul-19 22:25:38

No, I would not view it as cheating. My husband has no interest in porn, but if he did watch it, I wouldn’t be upset. As long as he’s “eating” at home, I don’t care where he gains his appetite.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent Tue 09-Jul-19 22:42:30

I do not view it as cheating.
But I do view it as sleazy.
Not sure if that helps!

raspberryk Tue 09-Jul-19 22:47:16

No it isn't, I don't have a problem with it unless it causes problems as mentioned above re impotence, disgusting content, etc

PositiveVibez Tue 09-Jul-19 22:47:37

I wouldn't view it as cheating, but it would open my eyes to the fact that the man I was with, thought that women were just there for his objectification and sexual gratification.

This would turn my stomach. Especially as we have a daughter and I don't think I could look at him in the same way.

MrsMiggins37 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:49:09

I might not like it but it’s not cheating

Anothernick Tue 09-Jul-19 22:49:58

I'd guess pretty much every man in the country has watched porn at some time and many do it regularly. As someone said earlier, there has always been porn and there always will be. I think I read somewhere that 25% of all internet searches are for porn - might have got that number wrong but you get the general idea. There are millions and millions of people out there watching it and many of them are in stable relationships. So as long as there are no other problems in your DMs relationship then I think she should not be worried by his porn use. It's certainly not cheating, it's way over the top to see it like that.

Chloe9 Tue 09-Jul-19 22:50:49

I don't think it is no
Sounds like he's breached her trust though, regardless

AloneLonelyLoner Tue 09-Jul-19 22:56:33

It really isn't cheating in my view.

Also there is good porn out there. I have watched some great (non-abusive, non-degrading) porn with my partner.

I understand that she feels let down and you must support her as it is about her, and her feelings. I would've felt the same when I was much younger and less confident. I think if you're confident in yourself, in your relationship and in your own needs then porn is neither here nor there.

LittleDoll Tue 09-Jul-19 23:24:04

I dont really think who sees what as cheating matters.

The fact is it's been hidden, her feelings havent been considered at all and hes probably also lied to her for years about his feelings towards porn aswell as obviously claiming not to use it.

That's awful for her regardless of what it's about or who considers it cheating. He needs to understand why she is hurt though.

TooManyPuppies Tue 09-Jul-19 23:26:04

Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?

I wouldn't be fine with it being done in secret if it wasn't something we had decided was ok. But the title was "Do you see watching porn as cheating?" and my simple answer to that is: No.

madeofstarlight Tue 09-Jul-19 23:36:27

No I don't see it as cheating. As long as it's not anything illegal or taking away from our sex life, i really don't think it's my business how my partner masturbates.

NeverSayFreelance Tue 09-Jul-19 23:39:42

Its not cheating, no. But I think you should have a conversation with your DP about it beforehand. DP and I both watch porn and we are open about it which stops anyone feeling hurt.

Ultimately everyone has different opinions about porn and your mum can't help being hurt by this. They'll need to have a long talk and sort it.

happybunny007 Tue 09-Jul-19 23:39:52

No

Meowington Tue 09-Jul-19 23:42:12

Absolutely not cheating in my opinion.

Exploitation issue aside which I know some people are concerned about, there is absolutely no physical contact. It’s a means to and end, it meets an almost clinical need. Then the website is closed and people move on with their lives.

It baffles me that people feel insecure about it!

Snoopertrooper Tue 09-Jul-19 23:58:30

Not cheating

RubberTreePlant1 Wed 10-Jul-19 03:46:46

Surely no one would be fine with their SO watching porn on a regular basis though?

Huh? Why do you think that?

OH watches porn, so do I, don’t have an exact number of how many times per week he watches it as what he does with his own body is his business alone and personal unless he wants to share (which we sometimes do, sometimes don’t), he has a very high libido and for various reasons I’m not interested right now and can’t have sex so I’m happy he’s still meeting that need on his own. It’s probably near-daily atm given our sex ban 😂 doesn’t bother me at all. Would only be an issue if he preferred porn to me but that’s not the case so hope he cracks on and enjoys it. It’s a means to an end/masturbatory aid.

Sobeyondthehills Wed 10-Jul-19 03:50:54

I don't consider it cheating.

However, I wouldn't be happy.

Also on a different note, I consider porn addiction the same as any addiction, its fine to have a drink once a week (for example) but once you start watching the clock till you can start drinking you have a problem. Same with porn, if you are looking and trying to find that time alone to have a look then it is a problem

1forAll74 Wed 10-Jul-19 04:05:14

It's not cheating watching porn.Your mother is shocked about her partner watching it , especially as it was secret,until found out. I guess the only thing to happen,is that she can or can't accept this, and make her own mind up for what to do about her hurt feelings now.

StarlightLady Wed 10-Jul-19 06:17:41

No!

timeforakinderworld Wed 10-Jul-19 06:29:09

No, not cheating but I wouldn't accept it in a relationship because of the damage it can cause (and yes I know you can get "ethical " porn but I still think it feeds the industry). Wouldn't accept someone who uses drugs for the same reason.

TheVanguardSix Wed 10-Jul-19 06:43:51

It feels like cheating to me.
And it shouldn't have to be accepted. Your mum feels undermined and devalued. She doesn't have to tolerate porn in their relationship.
There's either room for it in a relationship or there isn't. And your mother shouldn't be pressured into making room for something that doesn't sit well with her.

HigaDequasLuoff Wed 10-Jul-19 07:05:29

I don't see it as 'cheating' - it is a lot worse than that.

It is participation in rape culture, violence against women, objectification of the female body, sexism, trafficking and grooming.

The fact that lots of men do it is no excuse. Every woman who stays with a man who uses porn is choosing to uphold and support patriarchal objectification of women. Every man who uses porn is part of the problem. Sexism will never be a thing of the past until men start rejecting this sickening stuff. They are wanking to images of another human being being treated as a thing to be used.

The fact that some women "consent" to be used in this way is meaningless as their "consent" has come after years of being groomed by endemically sexist culture to believe that is all they are worth.

FookMeFookYou Wed 10-Jul-19 07:12:09

It depends on whether she feels he is watching it/using it in place of spending intimate time with her... that though isn't a conversation I'd want to be having in any depth with my mum.

I don't see it as cheating but it can have a great impact on relationships

NameChangeNugget Wed 10-Jul-19 07:18:14

Cheating?? hmm

FermatsTheorem Wed 10-Jul-19 07:22:34

I don't think of it as cheating.

However, knowing how exploitative the industry is, and that some porn is in fact filmed rape (and the viewer, at the point of consumption, cannot tell), I would consider it a deal breaker.

Furthermore, much of it is deeply misogynistic (choking, coming on women's faces, simulated rape, "barely legal" barf) and I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought of women that way.

Windmillwhirl Wed 10-Jul-19 07:41:46

No, definitely not.

Windmillwhirl Wed 10-Jul-19 07:46:45

The fact that some women "consent" to be used in this way is meaningless as their "consent" has come after years of being groomed by endemically sexist culture to believe that is all they are worth.

Bit of a generalisation there speaking on behalf of all women in porn.

Most women are aware there are other ways to make money.

NeatFreakMama Wed 10-Jul-19 07:47:54

Not cheating no.

ShatnersWig Wed 10-Jul-19 08:28:38

Of course it's not cheating, that's a bizarre response.

You can loathe porn and it be a dealbreaker if you partner watches it knowing you have a problem with the industry. But it's not cheating.

Ellabella989 Wed 10-Jul-19 08:33:37

It’s definitely not cheating!
I wouldn’t like it if my DP watched porn very regularly but I couldn’t care less if it’s now and again

MissPollyHadADolly19 Wed 10-Jul-19 08:36:31

I see it as cheating.
He's mentally having sex with another woman.
Also porn is disgusting and portrays women as sexual objects which leads to less satisfaction in real life sex.

raspberryk Wed 10-Jul-19 08:51:01

@FermatsTheorem - I agree with you when it comes to the rape and barely legal stuff, however choking and coming on womens faces (and actually the former two but much more niche) are regularly practiced by consensual adults leading normal sex lives... aren't they?!

And yes many men and women watch porn regularly and yes many of their partners are totally fine with that.

FermatsTheorem Wed 10-Jul-19 09:08:56

I'm an old gimmer raspberry - choking (which incidentally I know many BDSM enthusiasts who won't go near it because the risk of getting it wrong and ending up dead/killing your partner is too great - it's actually an extremely dangerous practice) and coming on people's faces were not a part of normal sex when I was younger (in fact, the first - and only - time a man ever came in my face I assumed he'd done it by accident and laughed at him).

They have become normalised in the last 20 years, I'd say - strangely enough at about the same time internet porn really took off. Now of course lots of people assure me that's just a coincidence... Not buying it. A practice which hardly anyone did (because even back in the dim and distant mists of the past in the 1980s, we did compare notes about our sex lives) has now become mainstream.

For me, choking is just such a dangerous practice I can't see why anyone would do it.

And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept. In getting on for four decades of being sexually active, I've had quite a lot of partners, a lot of fun and varied sex, lots of orgasms, and never felt the need to engage in practices which were dangerous or which I found demeaning.

sandy541 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:19:15

About six months ago I noticed that my dh had become distant inside and out of the bedroom. I came to the conclusion he was having an affair, odd behaviour around the phone and table ect. I eventually plucked up the courage to confront him, I got over emotional and did not handle it very well. He said he had been looking at porn, no cheating. The last six months have been hell, it's not really the porn use itself, although I am uneasy with the ethical side of it, it's the secrecy any subsequent lack of trust. Our sex lives had dwindled done to virtually nothing, just thought it was a natural thing in a long relationship. the thought that he prefered porn to me has knocked my self confidence for six. I am surprised at how badly this has effected me, he says he just thought I didn't want him any more. As someone mentioned earlier, the attitudes to porn is very different in older people, I had no idea how readily available it is. The idea that it's ok because it's not cheating does not help at all. I feel very sorry for your mum and emphasize totally . The only advice i can give is to say to her to look at the other areas of they life together, are they happy other wise. Coming to terms with it is not easy i wish her luck.

username5789954 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:21:46

No I don't. Do agree it could be a generational thing as I know my mother would. I was unfortunate enough to come across my fathers 'porn stash' once confused I just hope my mother never finds out shock

zippey Wed 10-Jul-19 09:37:28

Watching porn is participation in rape culture as much as buying clothes in high street shops participation in people exploitation, or eating meat and dairy participation in animal cruelty.

There’s a good argument that all of the above are true but people generally don’t care and only care about satisfying their needs (eating meat, buying clothes, getting off).

Humans are a selfish lot. We also tend to be outraged about one thing (porn) while being not caring about other atrocities (animal suffering)

raspberryk Wed 10-Jul-19 09:43:59

I guess it depends on the level of "choking", since it's not really choking at all if done correctly. And just so you know it's not all about men being dominant over women, it's practised the other way too. As well as for example women "sitting" on their other partners faces. If you find something demeaning fine don't do it, but it doesn't mean everyone thinks the same way about it. Ok so some of it may not be mainstream exactly but I think that the readily available info on any subject due to the internet and of course the anonymity of forums and such means that people are a lot more aware of what goes on outside their own circle. Not 100% porn has that much of a direct impact it's probably a combination of stuff.
Let's face it people aren't honest with their friends, read some statistics regarding anal sex a while back and something like twice as many couples report to practice anal regularly in anonymous surveys in comparison to how many would tell their friends.

ImMeantToBeWorking Wed 10-Jul-19 09:46:08

I see it as cheating. Also most porn involves violence against women.

No it does not. I have yet to watch a porn video that has violence against women in it.

No I would not see it as cheating. DP works away during the week and I have too keep myself entertained sometimes. He is starting a new job where he will be be home every evening next Monday so my use of porn will diminish then.

Tyrotoxicity Wed 10-Jul-19 09:52:15

OP if I were you I would talk to her and try to open up the "cheating" label to see what she's really feeling.

I think a lot of people go for the "it feels like cheating" phrasing to describe their feelings about a partner watching porn, because we don't really have the words to understand and talk about why it feels so discombobulating and distressing for us. But when we use this 'it's cheating' narrative to talk to other people about our feelings, everyone gets stuck in the story and argues over whether the behaviour constitutes cheating on you or not - which obscures the real issue.

The real issue is: DM feels really uncomfortable about her partner's sexual behaviour. She understands on some level that it's wrong, but she hasn't got the words to say it in ways that he will accept and act on. So help her find the words.

Personally, I wouldn't call it "cheating". I'd call it completely unethical on multiple levels, and a partner who wasn't willing to engage with me on this one would be showing his true colours and cast out accordingly.

Zenithbear Wed 10-Jul-19 09:59:13

No definitely not cheating

RubberTreePlant1 Wed 10-Jul-19 10:33:44

And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept

You’re entitled to your own sexual preferences, Fermat. But they’re not really relevant here are they? Whether you find being choked and ejaculated on stomach churning or arousing is kinda by the by; many women do find submission in a sexual relationship arousing and appealing and willingly, enthusiastically consent to their partner doing so. You don’t speak for all women.

And as an aside, many men enjoy being dominated by their female partners doing things like face sitting, which isn’t any less of a display of dominance and power.

FleurNancy Wed 10-Jul-19 10:52:43

Absolutely not.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Wed 10-Jul-19 11:19:05

Not cheating at all.

If it was pneumatic-boobed trout pouters and clearly misogynistic or exploitative, I'd think less of the person, though.

codenameduchess Wed 10-Jul-19 12:58:25

* And both choking and coming on a woman's face are about the man displaying dominance and the woman being placed in a submissive position, both of which I find stomach churning as a concept*

That's your opinion, there are so many variations when it comes to sexual tastes you can't generalise. Not everyone likes anal, they may even find it 'stomach churning', but that doesn't mean it's wrong or stop others enjoying it. Many men enjoy submission and being dominated by their partners just as women are free to choose a submissive role. When done with care (and consent) choking can be enjoyable and is practised by many.

Reputable porn is monitored and has rules, the actors are protected, regularly tested, paid and have chosen that line of work. The moral aspect is down to the individual and how much they want to research the background/distribution etc of the porn they choose, the same buying chicken or eggs from caged hens vs free range.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 13:03:41

Yes it absolutely is cheating. This vile man is fantasizing about sex with other women (and God knows who/what else).

Cath2907 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:14:13

I was happy with my husband watching porn. We even watched some together. It's not an issue for me.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 13:18:29

was happy?
Why do you use the past tense?

Aquilla Wed 10-Jul-19 13:19:22

Not at all.

Youngandfree Wed 10-Jul-19 13:20:41

No

Chovihano Wed 10-Jul-19 13:22:34

It's deceitful and dishonest, but he isn't shagging them.
It doesn't matter anyway, he hasn't been honest and told her so who cares about semantics, she doesn't like it and he should stop immediately.

Cath2907 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:31:47

past tense because he isn't my husband anymore. nothing to do with porn / cheating. I'd be happy with any new partner watching porn also.

Megan2018 Wed 10-Jul-19 13:33:44

I watch it, so does DH - sometimes we do together. So definitely not cheating or anything like in our book.

Chovihano Wed 10-Jul-19 13:40:40

it doesn't matter how many of us watch it, or if we know our partners do and accept it.
The dm didn't know her partner was doing it and doesn't like it.

I watch sometimes alone and sometimes with dh, I'd have hated him doing it behind my back as you need honesty in any relationship.

Thesuzle Wed 10-Jul-19 13:42:18

Yes, god yes

Youcanstay Wed 10-Jul-19 13:50:27

Yes.

MsMarvellous Wed 10-Jul-19 13:53:29

No.

Jellylegsni Wed 10-Jul-19 13:55:21

I do see it as cheating. I think my opinion is uncommon but it's not going to change.

MysweetAudrina Wed 10-Jul-19 13:55:46

I can see why some people might view it as a form of cheating. Cheating means different things to different people. Some would view an emotional affair with no sexual contact as cheating and others could overlook a drunken kiss. You decide what cheating means to you. If your partner getting aroused by looking at other naked women performing sex acts feels like cheating to you then that is your boundary and you are entitled to it.

Time40 Wed 10-Jul-19 14:03:02

No, I don't.

I don't know or care if my partner watches porn. I believe that everyone deserves privacy, and that it's none of my business.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 14:24:53

Vile men who perpetuate rape culture do not deserve ANY privacy. They should be outed for what they are!

ShatnersWig Wed 10-Jul-19 14:30:36

StephanieSJW What about the vile women who perpetuate rape culture? Presumably they should be outed for what they are and do not deserve any privacy? Or is your ire solely for the men?

user1479305498 Wed 10-Jul-19 15:09:24

It’s not cheating, but secretive very frequent use of it to me is sleazy if partnered long term and can certainly change feelings and how you see someone and bugger your sex life , especially when they can’t be honest about it and are on it the minute you are out the door or constantly pestering for a particular thing that they search out

baileys6904 Wed 10-Jul-19 15:25:59

Nope, not cheating. Men and women both watch it. Not all of it is violent or extreme. Porn can be a woman ( or man) just masturbating. I think as a society we are more closed off in the uk about nudity and sex, where as on the continent, for example, its much less so.
But same as watching emmerdale isn't real life, neither is porn so no, not cheating

TwistyTop Wed 10-Jul-19 15:38:11

I don't see it as cheating at all, that's quite a stretch. It's no different to looking at a nudey magazine or reading a dirty book.

However I do think these boundaries need to be clearly established in a relationship. If someone feels like watching porn would be cheating then they need to raise this with their partner and come to an agreement. They have the right to feel this way and have their needs respected. I think each relationship will have slightly different rules on this.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 16:12:46

ShatnersWig
What about the vile women who perpetuate rape culture? Presumably they should be outed for what they are and do not deserve any privacy? Or is your ire solely for the men?

Women have been conditioned by the patriarchy to internalise misogyny. We have all been "sold" the idea that objectifying women's bodies is perfectly normal and acceptable. It is not.

Windmillwhirl Wed 10-Jul-19 16:23:53

Women have been conditioned by the patriarchy to internalise misogyny. We have all been "sold" the idea that objectifying women's bodies is perfectly normal and acceptable. It is not

Why are you continually speaking for everyone? I've been sold nothing.

StephanieSJW Wed 10-Jul-19 16:27:37

Not you personally - women as a class have broadly accepted that porn is fine. Just look at all the "cool" responses here. This is as a result of patriarchal oppression by men.

AnastasiaBeverleyHills Wed 10-Jul-19 16:53:34

This is an individual decision to be made by each couple. All you can do is support her in her own beliefs and values even if they don't match yours.

Dadaist Wed 10-Jul-19 16:57:02

It’s patently absurd to suggest that using porn ‘is the same as cheating’. Cheating means having an emotional/sexual relationship while committed with your partner into believing you are in an exclusive relationship.
Anything done in secret can impact on a relationship (gambling, drinking, gaming,) but that they are secret or against the wishes of a partner does not equal cheating.
As for porn - well it’s hardly dissimilar to the use of erotic literature in terms of distraction from the primary relationship into a sexual fantasy.
Suggesting all porn is rape culture violence makes about as much sense as saying all erotica is written by lonely old cat ladies.

StephanieSJW - As for misogyny, patriarchy and ‘false consciousness’- seriously? If you think human sexuality is so pure that only corrupted people ‘objectify’ (ie are physically attracted to) people then I think there are very many aspects that question such a view (eg women finding women sexually appealing, women having physical lust for men, homosexual porn). To suggest that we are all just fucked up for enjoying the physical form or erotic fantasy of others’ sexuality (although not personally of course ...what?) is mystifying. And why if BOTH men and women have been ‘conditioned’ by patriarchy should it be forgiven in women but punished in men?

I think OP’s mum has every right to feel hurt that her husband has liked porn. I might be hurt by any number of things my partner did in secret that seemed outside of our usual relationship or values. But it doesn’t make it OK to be controlling about it and it doesn’t make it cheating - which is an attempt to control the behaviour. I think maybe they need to discuss it in a mature way.

Tyrotoxicity Wed 10-Jul-19 16:57:36

Some people have suggested "It is cheating, because he is thinking about having sex with someone else."

The reason it feels bad, I think, is because he is NOT thinking about having sex WITH someone else. Not with a real human person, with a real inner life and self with whom he wishes to connect.

He is thinking about having sex ON someone else's body. A collection of parts, dished up for his appreciation. An object, not a subject. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with using female bodies for his own sexual gratification.

For the real human being who believes her sexual relations with this man involve a mutual connection between two subjects, the realisation that her own subjectivity is perhaps irrelevant to his orgasm-seeking behaviour is deeply disturbing.

As well it should be. She has noticed he views female bodies as objects used for his sexual gratification. She has a female body herself, and is in a sexual relationship with him. She is right to be alarmed at the implications.

baileys6904 Wed 10-Jul-19 17:00:06

@stephanieSJW fuck off ?!?! Wtaf. You dont speak for me. And weirdly, I can speak for myself. Porn turns me on. I like it, it puts me in the mood. It's a visual stimulation. Just like when food looks nice. I enjoy. I've not been told or encouraged to enjoy it. It's a mental stimulus and a physical response. Its biology. And dont forget, in the day and age when women were treated as second class, they weren't meant to enjoy sex
Or be turned on or show body parts. Its fools like you that make women embarrassed of sex or concerned or guilty about enjoying it. Keep your extremist shite to yourself .
OP it's an individual thing. Same as naked sun bathing. Some people think it's ok. Some would rather stick pins in their eyes. Its upto the individual and their partner and what they agree on.

timeforakinderworld Wed 10-Jul-19 17:00:54

As for porn - well it’s hardly dissimilar to the use of erotic literature in terms of distraction from the primary relationship into a sexual fantasy.
I think you've missed the point. Porn involves real women. That's what a lot of women object to: watching real women being used is not the same as reading erotic literature where nobody gets hurt!

FermatsTheorem Wed 10-Jul-19 17:06:56

^^

Precisely this, kinderworld.

I read (and have in the past written) erotic stories. No women were harmed in the writing of those stories.

They would only become a problem if one partner in an otherwise healthy relationship preferred reading them to having sex with their partner (and the partner felt they were missing out as a result).

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