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Caught partner watching porn

(110 Posts)
Booboo30 Wed 12-Jun-19 07:49:38

So I caught my partner watching porn. I feel extremely hurt, to me it feels like cheating. He's had the need to look at other woman behind my back and jerk off to them. He lied to me too saying he doesn't. I've been trying to get us closer recently and asking him to come to bed with me and he hasn't been (not all the time) and then I find out this. We were trying for a baby and it hasn't been working and I'm not surprised if he's going off on his own.
I just feel if he was happy and satisfied he wouldn't have the need to do this :-(
I'm hurt, angry and upset and I don't want to be anywhere near him now.
Am I over reacting?

flyingplum Wed 12-Jun-19 07:55:47

Everyone has their own lines. For me, the watching porn,in itself, isn’t a problem. It’s the context - so you’re trying to work on your relationship, and he’s choosing not to. That’s the issue, really - and for, it wouldn’t matter if he was displacing his time and effort into porn, or playing footie...

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 12-Jun-19 08:07:03

Don't they say trying for a baby is one of the most stressful things ? So he has had a quick wank - maybe he just wanted to have a quick physical relief without any expectation or hopes ?

Booboo30 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:09:47

Unfortunately this is more than a quick wank. It's everyday looking at the same person.

MrMagooooo Wed 12-Jun-19 08:19:55

Would you be bothered if your partner was masturbating every day and watching porn 1x a day but having sex with you in the morning and night every day?

I'm not going to get into the whole porn industry thing but I'm sure that's coming...

Booboo30 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:22:15

Yes I'd still be upset. :-(

flyingplum Wed 12-Jun-19 08:22:17

You need to talk to him. We’ve been ttc for 18 months and it’s putting no me through the emotional wringer, to the point where i’m doubting our relationship entirely. OH hates confrontation and it’s really hard talking to him and getting him to open up about this stuff. Which is partly why we’re at where we’re at. Try to be calm, and explain to him how you feel. Maybe don’t be self righteous about the fact that it’s porn, because he’ll get defensive, but couch it in ways that are about his commitment to your relationship and your plans together.

flyingplum Wed 12-Jun-19 08:24:15

Just read your other post. If this really is about the fact that it’s porn, I think you’re probably going to end up with a fundamental difference of opinion. You’re going to have to decide whether it’s something you can put up with, because he will probably still carry on...

Maddy762 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:32:36

@Booboo30 Unfortunately this is more than a quick wank. It's everyday looking at the same person.

How do you know this if you have just caught him this once?

ReanimatedSGB Wed 12-Jun-19 08:33:20

Does he want a baby? If he's not expressed much enthusiasm for the idea then it could be that this is a (rather passive aggressive) way of making sure you don't get pregnant.
It also sounds as though the relationship might be on the way out: sometimes it's a lot better to cut your losses and move on rather than have a baby to 'repair' a failing partnership.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Wed 12-Jun-19 08:33:49

If he's an adult human it's perfectly normal to fantasise about other people sexually and I think he, like everyone, has a right to a private sexual fantasy life. It's a common human behaviour and I'd worry that your reaction to it means you could be setting yourself up for a lot of future heartache.
If you have an issue with the type and nature of the porn he's consuming that's a separate issue. I'm fine with porn as a concept but I do see that so much of what's online is exploitative violent stuff that shapes horrible attitudes to women.

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 12-Jun-19 08:34:01

Unfortunately this is more than a quick wank. It's everyday looking at the same person. Ahhh you didn't say that .....

TheVanguardSix Wed 12-Jun-19 08:38:57

Am I over reacting?
Nope!
The ''I'm totally cool with this shit and we watch it together" cavalry will come over the hill any minute but in the meantime, I'll pop my head above the parapet to say porn wrecked my marriage. Try to stop this before it gets legs! Porn is the worst.

MintyT Wed 12-Jun-19 08:40:21

Perhaps it's the same person because he knows that will be a quick turn off and gets the job done. Sometimes the porn is a means too an end, I would be very upset too. But for men it's very different and is nothing to do with/comparing to you.
Please take a deep breath and communicate with him. Tell him your upset and is there a problem out should know. Make sure he's knows your feelings and view point and do not over think this.

Johngon Wed 12-Jun-19 08:42:12

Do you mean you walked in on him? How do you know he only watches one person?
What part exactly are you most upset about? Is it the type of porn, is it because of your moral perspective on women in the porn industry, is it because you think it means you arent "enough" and dont like the thought of him thinking about other women sexually?

In your post it seems like the latter. And maybe because you arent having sex regularly (as you mention this effecting TTC)? The first part- everyone has private sexual fantasies. And some people may induldge them with porn. But I understand if the fantasy is particularly distasteful in your opinion (degrading stuff etc) or if the women he is interested in are in stark contrast to you I can see how that would make you feel insecure (eg youre a size 6 and he is exclusively looking at BBW/plus size women in porn).

user1479305498 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:44:34

My H watches women mainly exactly like me except it’s all lesbian stuff, reads like gynaecology monthly, but it still hugely pisses me off and totally puts me off oral sex to be honest. He doesn’t know I know , have kept it to myself or he will know I snooped. The thing that annoys me most though is he is a ‘feminist’ type guy, told me he watched it occasionally , which I could live with, but was actually around 5 times a week when I was out. Our sex life has suffered because I am really annoyed and hence that’s possibly why he does it so often— think I will have to say something at some point or tell him to go do one as it’s not something I am ok with at that level

justanswerthephone Wed 12-Jun-19 10:46:49

Unfortunately this is more than a quick wank. It's everyday looking at the same person.

Like a leaky tap....

OP, who is it?

Ellabella989 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:49:58

I’m an insecure person so it would upset me if I saw he was wanking over the same porn star over and over again. If he was just looking at random porn very occasionally then i’d be able to cope with it but would rather not know. Would also hate it if he did it whilst I was at home

Mumofabeauty123 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:52:37

I hat the fact I found out my partner watches porn I felt sick to the stomach. I felt like I wasn't enough for him and neither was our sex life. I did confront him he said he wouldn't do it again and denied that he had. I have to take his word for it but I will be honest I constant worry when he is on his own. I really hope you sort this out xxx

Whatisthisfuckery Wed 12-Jun-19 11:03:08

OP if it were me I’d be more disgusted that my partner thought masturbating over possibly trafficked, probably coerced, doubtless exploited women being sexually degraded and more than likely abused was ok. Cheating would be right at the bottom of my list of dumpable issues with that. Misogyny is not a turn on.

Shinylittleteeth Wed 12-Jun-19 11:06:51

Yes, won't be long before the "I'm fine with my oh watching porn, I love it too" crew come along.

I won't even start on the ethical part, but from actual experience, porn has seriously damaged my marriage and currently my bf is going through a divorce because her dh faked ED, pretended he has a low sex drive and rejected her for years, turns out he was jerking it to porn couple times a day.

Those that say it does no harm haven't yet experienced the damage it causes.

Mumofabeauty123 Wed 12-Jun-19 11:11:21

@Shinylittleteeth I completely agree it can ruin a relationship. Before I saw my partner had watched porn I had every trust in him. Now I wonder what he's doing whilst I'm not there. It has made me very insecure and doubt myself in the bedroom. I wonder if he gets off on certain things that we don't do. I am very open minded and up for anything so can't see why he would t just try these things with me. Xx

Bixter Wed 12-Jun-19 11:20:12

I'd have asked to watch the porn with my OH. Nowt wrong with a bit of porn.

Booboo30 Wed 12-Jun-19 11:46:31

Thanks for replies.
We were ttc but recently he hasn't really been near me.
Recently as well he's been asking to do it in my anus which I really don't want and I wondered why he kept pushing that recently..now I know why.
He says he's sorry and won't do it again but how can I trust him. He says I can vet him but I shouldn't have to do that in a relationship.
I don't have the best mental health I get anxious and depressed and this certainly hasn't helped.

Whatisthisfuckery Wed 12-Jun-19 12:51:36

That’s porn right there. Tell him you wanna fuck him up the arsehole first, and do it steam hammer porno style.

Oh, and tell him, you can’t get pregnant up your arse. That’s for shitting out of, silly.

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