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Struggling to cope with this mess

(24 Posts)
messychocolate Wed 15-May-19 20:23:38

My marriage has been bad for years.... there is no intimacy, no sex, no affection, we don't even particularly like each other. But I had kinda settled with the situation as we have 2 children and we don't argue and can quite adequately live together in a flatmate like arrangement. I thought I had made my bed and had to lie in it, for the sake of the kids.

About 2 months ago a man at work started emailing me and made it clear to me he found me attractive and showered me with attention. We soon started an affair, he is also married. I soon was completely infatuated with him.

I realised I couldn't go on like this and ended my marriage at the same time as ending the affair. Doing this on the same day actually made me a complete wreck! I had feelings for work man above and beyond my feelings for my husband. But the feelings of guilt for my husband and loss for work man were overwhelming.

A few days later I regretted ending the affair so I told the work man I wanted to start things up again. I needed the distraction from what was happening at home and I missed him terribly. He was shocked and didn't know what to think or do but after a couple of days our texting started again as it was before and this made me happy. Then he broke his leg, this was about 2 weeks ago and he told me the affair had to stop as the thought of not living with his daughter was awful and if we carried on it would end badly etc. I agreed with him it was the right thing to do but inside I am devastated. I guess I thought there was something there and maybe one day we would be together.

I overheard at work that he will actually be back in the office in 3 weeks and I am worried that I'm not going to cope knowing he is just there but I can't have him anymore. I think about him all the time and I just want to text him and tell him how I feel but I have resisted so far. How am I going to deal with this when I have to see him at work everyday? And don't say find another job, I need this more than ever now I am not with husband and it is specialised so I won't get such a good job again.

I am lonely and scared about the future. I won't have my husband or the work man. I am so scared about being alone and I am just so miserable at the moment.

Please don't be too harsh, I am struggling to cope with everything at the moment and can't really function normally.

Pixikitten0123 Wed 15-May-19 20:28:35

I actually think you could do with being alone and concentrate on building your life with your family and building your self confidence.
An affair is never a good idea and you’ve rolled the dice and been hurt. There’s nothing much I can say about that considering my marriage ended as a result of my husband’s affair.
Try distraction, read a book, join clubs/gym and heal yourself properly before entering into any further relationships.

brokenpromisesorlies Wed 15-May-19 20:46:18

Yep, so.. OP, I’ve been where you are-ish!

My advice is just stop, stop everything except the things you have to do..Work, DC, eat etc

Listen to music, see friends, begin to enjoy life again!

Work out how you got into the mess you’re in! Do some reading and research, think about your future, build resilience.

Focus on you.. for me that was spa treatments, gym routine, new clothes.

Consider how you want your future to look - I’m at this point! Some sets are really really hard, but those days are getting less!

Good luck op flowers

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 15-May-19 20:50:54

That is going to be very hard for you but you have to respect his decision. He has (belatedly) made the right decision and it would be really unfair to try and undermine that.

Focus on your kids and just keep going day by day.

Lifeisabeach09 Wed 15-May-19 20:54:33

Can you book a few weeks annual leave timed for when he comes back? Or get the GP to sign you off for a month with stress.

You need to avoid this man and focus on your marriage ending. Start counselling.

messychocolate Wed 15-May-19 21:00:41

Thanks all for being kind. I need to save my annual leave for the school holidays really and I really want to avoid being signed off as moping around at home would be worse I think. I will have to face him eventually anyway.

TryingToCope101 Wed 15-May-19 23:03:12

Take some responsibility for the mess you have got yourself in, think about his poor wife and accept his request for you to leave him alone. And next time, perhaps go for a single man when you want a distraction. It’s quite simple really.

bluebell34567 Wed 15-May-19 23:10:44

you still have 3 weeks to recover from your situation with workman.
after 3 weeks you can feel stronger to face him.
i bet he will find it hard to face you there, too.
its good that you took time off from them both. work on yourself, look after yourself.

Lozzerbmc Wed 15-May-19 23:15:13

Just deal with things one day at a time so you dont get overwhelmed

Avoid man at work at all costs and keep busy. You know its for the best and your feelings will fade. I dated a guy at work once which didnt work out; time heals, a cliche i know, but true!

Focus on the DCs and be kind to yourself. Enjoy the calm of being single! Good luck

messychocolate Thu 16-May-19 05:31:32

So when work man does return to work should I say anything to him? I feel like I should ask him how his leg is, and just be friendly?

The thing is we work in close proximity and there will be times we need to speak to each other about work stuff. I don't want there to be an awkward atmosphere.

CupoTeap Thu 16-May-19 05:44:43

Fake it till you make it. You can either only talk about work, or you can do polite chit chat when others are around.

But you need to respect him if he only wants to do work chat.

You had made the right choice originally. This will pass.

Focus on the kids and doing fun things with friends.

messychocolate Thu 16-May-19 07:25:49

I am also angry... he started the affair and now he is ending it because he doesn't want things to end badly! He's ok, gets to go back to his happy little family while my life has been turned upside down and I am hurting.... it has ended badly for me!

Part of me really wants to tell his wife... I have hundreds of messages and pics he has sent me.

brokenpromisesorlies Thu 16-May-19 08:02:17

messychocolate there’s no point in being angry, what would that achieve? Move on with your head held high!

UnicornDust9 Thu 16-May-19 08:16:28

@messychocolate - did he ask you to leave your husband ?
If not then you have no right to moan he’s kept his happy family at home.

That was a choice you made and maybe you should of thought a bit more carefully about would you be happy if you had neither of them considering he still had a wife.

People are entitled to end things when they want.

RagingWhoreBag Thu 16-May-19 08:28:29

Part of me really wants to tell his wife... I have hundreds of messages and pics he has sent me

Take the high road @messychocolate

You’re not planning to tell his wife out of concern for her, but as revenge for the fact that your life is fucked up and his isn’t. That’s not fair - not to him, not to his wife, not to yourself.

Causing more chaos won’t make you feel any better, it will make the atmosphere at work untenable - he won’t suddenly fall into your arms because his wife throws him out. She may not even throw him out, plenty choose to work through these things.

Chances are, it’s not even about HIM as such - he was a distraction from your failing marriage. You’ll probably find that now you have moved on from the problem relationship, this one loses its appeal. It’s quite common to latch onto an ‘escape route’ partner as a way to justify leaving a long term relationship when you can’t bring yourself to leave otherwise.

OM owes you nothing, see your split from your H as the right thing to do for both of you, you both deserve to be properly loved and you weren’t doing that for each other. You’ve given the pair of you a chance to meet someone new in the future, but that shouldn’t be your priority here. Work on building a single life that you’d be happy to share with someone, not on filling a void.

Howdoisortthis Thu 16-May-19 08:53:17

I’ve been in a similar situation and am currently having counselling. One of the things I’ve learnt from my sessions is that I need to stop pretending I’ve somehow been a victim.... you entered into an affair with a married man. You knew he was married.. Did he ever suggest for one moment he would leave his family for you.?

Your affair happened because of the state of your marriage, you’ve done a brave thing by leaving, hopefully it wasn’t to see if the OM would do the same.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Focus on your life now, moving on from your marriage and who knows in time you’ll meet someone new.. someone available and it’ll be wonderful.

My affair wasn’t physically but it’s been very long term and difficult to untangle myself from, it will be worth it.

If you can, see a counsellor and when you see the OM at work act completely indifferent to him.

bluebell34567 Thu 16-May-19 08:54:14

relationship with a married man is risky, it usually doesnt end well. it was the risk you took, it didnt work, put into experiences and move on.
enjoy your free life now.

bluebell34567 Thu 16-May-19 08:55:48

dont ask about his leg or anything, avoid him.
try not to flame the fire, it will be easier for you to move on.

GarnierBBCream Thu 16-May-19 09:32:37

You had an affair with a married man, broke it off with him and your spouse, then wanted to keep shagging the married man to distract yourself from the mess you caused and are now feeling the victim and wanting sympathy and support?

Grow up!

messychocolate Thu 16-May-19 10:37:37

It was more than just a shag though, I do really like him a lot.

I never expected or would ask him to leave his wife. Maybe deep inside I had a small glimmer of hope at times but I now understand him. Although he never mentioned his wife only his daughter. He is only 28 by the way, married just 3 years with a 7 month old. He's a boy, hopefully he has learned his lesson and won't do this again.

OldAndWornOut Thu 16-May-19 10:42:55

You never expected him to leave his wife, and he hasn't.
It's that simple.

Pigeonpies Thu 16-May-19 10:50:17

Hopefully you have also learned your lesson and won't do this again.

You are both to blame. Only a victim of your own decisions.

I speak as someone who has been through the same. You will have to do some serious soul-searching, try and understand deeply why you made those bad choices. There is a happy future waiting for you.

Musti Thu 16-May-19 11:01:11

He's a cheating bastard. You don't want him. Now that you are single you'll have a chance to go out and meet other single men and you can choose someone who is available and not just some arrogant cheating twat who is self confident enough to approach someone for an affair.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 16-May-19 15:26:06

You were a distraction because he wasn't getting enough attention while his wife was exhausted from looking after their newborn. What a peach, eh?

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