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Ex Wife Issues

(19 Posts)
Mali93 Sat 12-Jan-19 01:42:16

HELLO EVERYONE, taken a while to get onto one of these things but its probably time before I go crazy.

My fiances ex wife is straight from hell.
We have been together for over 4 years and are expecting our 2nd child together. His ex wife has been nothing but DIFFICULT and TERRORIZING and we have literally been living our lives like what will she do next for this long. sad

Where to start? First she took their 3 children to another country and with held contact from them stating she would only let him talk to them if he gave her money, all the while telling the children that he did not love them and wanted a new family instead of being with or talking to them. He asked her to apply for child support repeatedly and she refused.
After finding out about our relationship she just lost it completely, she spread rumors about me, tried to add me on social media pretending to be men to try show my partner that I am a cheater.
She would tell him if he wanted to talk to the kids he had to leave our home so that I was not present and would only allow him to talk about certain things and make sure she could be seen the entire time.

She did not limit herself to sending photos of herself to him with the kids or even alone and still using his last name as well as telling people that they are still married.

Before you ask HE ONLY KEPT THE CONTACT HE HAD FOR THE CHILDREN they were 8,7 and 5 during this time. They would cry out for him and were so so happy when they got to talk to him.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with our son, and she told him that my son would not survive the delivery. I should note that they were back in the same country by the time I was due to give birth and YES she was still saying that I was not pregnant and there was not way we could have a child together.

The day after our son was born she dropped the kids to our door and left. Not too long after was NYE and she bought the kids to us and then called later to speak with them saying she was at the airport and would be back in 2 weeks. During this time my father was sick and sadly passed away. She did not care that the children has to be present during all of this.
After schooling in another country for 3 years on the first week they started school she left to go away but there was no one else to look after the kids so who did she turn to but me... I should also note she couldn't ask me directly but had to go through my partner. OF COURSE I WONT SAY NO BECAUSE ITS NOT THE CHILDREN FAULT.
So here I was taking them to the first week at a new school in a country they are not all that familiar with while shes off and STILL BAGGING ME to anyone who will listen.

FINALLY the child support it gone ahead with but she refuses to tell IRD that we see the kids at all even though they come to our house EVERY FRIDAY until Monday morning. WITH NO CLOTHING because she does not want to send them with anything, for the only reason that that is THE RIGHT THING TO DO. She would not admit we cared for them because it would cut the amount of money she would receive from Child Support.

She accused me of beating her children and spread rumors about me and my partner saying as well that he is not the father of our child as well as talking badly about me to the children. She has never hidden her hate for me from them.

I asked to meet her many times but she refused to and the kids would even ask us why she was so mean to me or made them feel bad for liking me. We have always told the kids not to worry about the adult stuff and not to worry about what mean things mum says.

Im just at my whits end. She wont stop, she recently went overseas for two weeks and did not even tell us until the day before. She could not drop the kids off herself and so her mother did and we were given a schedule from them as to what we needed to do with the children!!!
She did not bother to call the kids until while she was gone.
When she came back we dropped the kids to her and have not seen them since. That was 4months ago.

It is now going through court as she has got a protection order against us. This happened because after 4 years she saw us together in public and got mad and came rushing over yelling at me in front of alot of people... I stood up and knocked her out.

Now I know that wasn't the best idea BUT IT FELT GREAT!!
So hence the protection order.. but the things she stated it was for were PURE LIES. She does not realize how stupid she looks and with her latest tirade im just done. After telling people I am a threat to her and what not and she feels scared and im the vengeful one she has posted on her social media that I always sent the kids to bed without any dinner when they were at our home.

If this was true SHE STILL SENT THEM EVERY WEEKEND... or when there was no one else to watch them and she wanted to party.

Am I the only one who has to deal with this?? And also what do I do.
I know shes an complete idiot and needs a life but I think its the fact she says all these things about me to others and I cant sitck up for myself.

I know i was nothing but good to those kids, they have full wardrobes at our home and it was myself who purchased school shoes for them because theirs were falling apart, me who cut finger and toe nails that were disgustingly long and combed all the nits out until there were none left . Even though mum always has her nails done and hair done professionally.

Seriously does anyone else deal with this! AND HOW!!!

Sunkissedbeachdream Sat 12-Jan-19 01:59:17

I stood up and knocked her out
Classy hmm

Tell us again, who is the one with the problems? hmm

Mali93 Sat 12-Jan-19 03:38:02

After four years of her sending photos of herself to my fiancé and telling people I beat her children OH AND wishing my children dead... yes I knocked her out after all that crap she did and still does. Like to see how you deal with someone making death threats against your life and your children.

Don’t know if you read the part where I said I knew that wasn’t the best idea.
But hey great you pick that out of all of what I wrote....

You must be a wonderful person all round 😊😊

GloomyMonday Sat 12-Jan-19 04:45:41

If all of that is true then yes she sounds awful, but from experience the new partner's perception of the ex wife is usually skewed and biased.

Assuming it's all exactly as you write, then you deal with it by getting your partner to step up and handle all arrangements with his ex.

He needs to formalise both contact arrangements and child maintenance payments, ignore all communications that are not to do with the either of those issues and help you to feel secure enough to ignore anything she says or does to hurt you.

But, as I said, I do wonder what her version would be.

oiiiiiii Sat 12-Jan-19 04:49:40

You're over involved emotionally.

This is the reality of being with this guy. You can let it play on your mind, get het up, assault her, etc and waste all this energy on her - or you can simply accept that she is part of the package deal, and work on reducing how much it affects you.

Or you can leave him, I suppose.

If you want to keep yourself mentally embroiled in the drama - go for it. Just remember that all this energy could be spent on your children instead.

Good luck, the situation sounds stressful bit you've definitely made it exponentially worse by being carried away with the drama

Justagirlwholovesaboy Sat 12-Jan-19 04:58:42

I’m sorry OP, but I’ve been the step parent and have often been portrayed as being in the wrong. However I’ve never “knocked someone out”. This is an anger issue and I wouldn’t want you around my children because of this regardless of anything else. Also this entire post is all about poor you, your step children’s needs seem secondary. I’m sorry but based on what you’ve typed I feel so sorry for the children. Read back what you typed and tell me honestly is this post about the children or your wounded ego?

MumsyJ Sat 12-Jan-19 05:23:42

I think your fiancè needs to seek legal advice in terms of kids' arrangement, maintenance etc as from what I deducted from your post, it'll be a waste of time trying to be civil with the ex wife. You've done your bit by being too emotionally attached to the kids, which of course can't be helped, but it's time to channel your energy on your kids. She's clearly using the innocent kids as a weapon to punish both of you as she's not over him.
Have a good and long chat with your fiancè, this needs to be nipped in the bud. No matter how dramatic and in your face crazy ex wife is, please don't knock her out anymore as that overshadows your good deeds and makes you the bad person/ psycho. Be the bigger person by walking away and avoiding any confrontation between you two. Take it easy and hopefully this drama comes to an end sooner for the good of your mental state.

MissLanesAmericanCousin Sat 12-Jan-19 05:47:00

She does not realize how stupid she looks

hmm Nor do you.

If this is true, you both sound as bad as each other.

everydaymum Sat 12-Jan-19 06:00:20

She sounds like a nutter, but where is your partner in all of this? Why hasn't he formalised arrangements?
Years of lies spread by her could have been stopped (or maybe not), by the threat of legal action for defamation.
She essentially abandons the kids when she dumps them and leaves for weeks on end, why not report this?
No wonder you're at your wits end with this having gone on for so long, but your partner should have have taken steps years ago.

Gina2012 Sat 12-Jan-19 06:18:42

Stop getting involved

Leave it to your partner

And hitting her wasn't the best idea? Are you mad? IT WAS AN APPALLING IDEA. The worst idea you've ever ever had. Do not do it again.

ISdads Sat 12-Jan-19 06:46:21

Jeremy Kyle could help you sort this one out

Your ex didn't pay child maintenance for years until forced to?
You knocked her out ?????????
She has a restraining order against you
Your fiance tells you all the horrible things he claims she says about you?
Can't wait for the bit where she comes on and tells her side.

Sunkissedbeachdream Sat 12-Jan-19 08:55:29

OP
Your initial post is all over the place, so my replies may be too.
Firstly, with all the LARGE letters, you come across as aggressive.

Why didn't your dp pay child support initially?
Why didn't he himself start the ball rolling with maintenance by contacting the CMS and telling the ex this was the way he'd rather pay?
Why didn't your dp just block the ex"s number if she were sending unwanted photos of herself? . He could've just dealt with any communication by emails instead.

Why are you moaning about the lack of clothes she wouldn't send her DC"s with to your house?
You've said they have a full wardrobe at yours, so presumably she expects her children's father to provide a set of clothes for his own children when they're with him.
Or, maybe she did send regular clothes, but they'd never find they're way back home with her children so stopped bothering?

We don't know her reasoning for this, only yours. And as a pp says, ex wives are often portrayed as the awkward ones, who are always in the wrong no matter what.

You say she still has her married name, so what?, Why shouldn't she? , many women keep their married name purely because they want to still have the same name as their children, and not because they're still in 'love" with their ex"s as you seem to be suggesting! . My mum still has her married name years after divorce, nothing abnormal about it!
If the ex is really as bad as you make out, why hasn't your dp sought custody of his dc"s?, Why haven't you both gone to the Police to see if they can stop her harassing you?
As for saying that I must be perfect, well yes, I wouldn't resort to 'knocking someone out" (whilst pregnant also I'm guessing?, nice hmm) as that would not only make me look like a moronic chav, but I'm not aggressive and if I had to deal with problematic people, I'd do so within the law, as most normal people do.
I actually think it's you who is likely the troublemaker in all this, and just blaming the ex, probably because of jealousy on your part.

Ellisandra Sat 12-Jan-19 09:03:43

So your boyfriend has a shit storm of a relationship breakdown to deal with, involving his 3 very young children...

And decided to get together with you and pop out 2 more kids in 4 years.

Slow handclap for your boyfriend.

There’s absolutely no reason why she should provide clothes for their weekend time with you. If she posted on here for advice she’d be told not to. That just makes you sound hysterical so I’m not inclined to believe anything else without a pinch of salt.

And you physically assaulted her. I’d be reporting that too.

I’m not saying her behaviour isn’t terrible. But all 3 of you sound like a train wreck. Poor kids.

SoupDragon Sat 12-Jan-19 09:04:20

You all sound as bad as each other.

GloomyMonday Sat 12-Jan-19 09:35:32

"First she took their 3 children to another country and with held contact from them stating she would only let him talk to them if he gave her money."

Do you mean she returned to another uk country where she had family support, and refused to discuss contact until he paid maintenance?

"all the while telling the children that he did not love them and wanted a new family."

Yes it sounds like she was left to explain the situation to the children.

"she spread rumors about me, tried to add me on social media pretending to be men to try show my partner that I am a cheater. "

Were you ow?

"She would tell him if he wanted to talk to the kids he had to leave our home so that I was not present and would only allow him to talk about certain things and make sure she could be seen the entire time."

Why did she feel that the dc needed to see her at all times? Were they worried about seeing their dad?

"still using his last name as well as telling people that they are still married. "

Many women want the same surname as their dc. They were still married, until the decree absolute came through.

"WITH NO CLOTHING because she does not want to send them with anything,"

Normal for their dad to provide clothes at his house.

"She accused me of beating her children and spread rumors about me and my partner."

Well you played into her hands by hitting her.

"When she came back we dropped the kids to her and have not seen them since. That was 4months ago. "

I thought you had them every single weekend, Friday to Monday?

The fact that she drops them off at short notice is not on, but she is allowed nights away and holidays. Does she really just drop them off and disappear for a fortnight? Do you think she might have told your partner? Do you think he ever messes her around with contact until she's at the end of her tether? For example, what has he done about not seeing them for four months?

stuckbetweenlife Sat 12-Jan-19 09:56:03

People always say the new partner is over involved and that's we should have the thickest of skins to deal with shit crap.
I never spoke to my dp ex, besides offering to met her at a pick up so she could she me before I took her dd out. Sh ignored the message even though she asked my dp to send it again. Then told the world and court that the day I went out with the dd I was a stranger and she was worried for her safety! Then when news of my pregnancy her and her family were calling my dp family saying I had to abort, then after I gave birth she was requesting my dp hand over pr. plus the over crap.
Even though she had a partner, who has kids and is pregnant and cheated at the start with her partner with my dp, before I came alone.
These ex make messes of their life's and blame the new partner.
And people still make excuses for their behaviour.
I'm an exW never met any of my ex gfs, or do I have a say. I don't get involved not because I don't want too, but because it isn't my place and I have my family to vent with when he does things I don't like.
I don't condone violences but I wish I could kick mined in the fanny after the way she's said abusive things about my dc and made my dp look like a neglectful dad.

swingofthings Sat 12-Jan-19 10:11:23

Too much guessing what the other says/does/doesn't do/intends to do/should do/must have said... and not enough what can I do or not do to make the situstuion better.

Sounds like the timing of starting your relationship was very much grey in terms of whether you and he were seperated from previous relationship. Of course you'll have different opinion to them.

Some grey area in regards to paying maintenance too.

You might have felt great punching her but it resulted in your OH not seeing his kids for 4 months. Not the à tion of à loving partner but one who has a point to make and therefore very selfish.

MMmomDD Sat 12-Jan-19 10:15:23

So - this prized man leaves his three young children for another woman (you) - and then refuses to pay support, because CM needs to be formally applied for?
Seriously?
Which one of them started to use kids as pawns in a game?
Did he not feel guilty enough to make sure kids are at least fed and clothed as he went on to have his new life?

But clearly you got yourself a winner there. And he proceeded to pro-create. So - if/when he leaves - you’ll know what to do for child support....

All of you seem unreal. If someone made you up - no one would believe it is true.

And your conviction that physical violence can be justified in any shape or form is mind boggling

Santaclarita Sat 12-Jan-19 10:34:30

You gave her ammunition by hitting her. You're an idiot. So is she, but you are no better.

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