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Would you class this as cheating?

(71 Posts)
Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 08:00:57

A few years ago I found out that my DP had been messaging other women. There were quite a lot of women that he was messaging. We were going through a rough patch, not long had DS and had PND so was not really up to doing much or really talking with him properly.

He said that it was just for someone to talk to, he had never met them and he was really sorry it would never happen again.

Fast forward 5 years and I've just found out he's messaging women again, none of them seem to live close by and from the messages and it doesn't seem like he's met any of them. The messages range from him just having general chit chat to very sexual.

He doesn't really go out much anymore so I'm not sure when he would find time to physically cheat but would you class this as cheating too?

Just looking for some advice before I confront him!

cakecakecheese Wed 12-Sep-18 09:38:37

It's bad enough to be having these inappropriate conversations but he lied about stopping, mimimised it and reeled off the classic script lines about wanting attention.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were having sexual conversations with random men? Would that be 'nothing' too?

Virtuallyconfused Wed 12-Sep-18 09:47:35

As someone in this position, it can slide easily from innocent friendship into cheating.

But it is cheating.

If he's doing it witb multiple women there might be a purely sexual driver behind it.

With only one personal, emotional and sexual perhaps.

timeisnotaline Wed 12-Sep-18 09:59:30

Suggest to him you ask his parents and friends. See if they all agree it’s not cheating and everybody does it. He knows it is cheating. I’d leave him.

bullyingadvice2017 Wed 12-Sep-18 18:13:35

It doesn't matter really what he thinks, weather he thinks your over reacting, crazy or somehow to blame of course because he makes the rules and changes them to suit him. (all classic identifying a twat clues! )
What matters is what you think and feel and how you want your life to be. You don't need his permission or blessing to be pissed off and want better for yourself.

I had one like this. Traded him in for working tax credits. Best thing Iv ever done.
Didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much of me had been compromised to fit in with his bullshit until I left him and set up on my own. Really wish I'd done it at the first sign of this kind of crap, would have saved me a lot of heartache.

0ccamsRazor Wed 12-Sep-18 18:19:57

He is like a dog with two dicks.

Where is your line in the sand Op?

SilverySurfer Wed 12-Sep-18 18:38:23

I don't know what his reasons will be this time round but I suspect he will get annoyed at me suggesting he's doing something wrong again.

Never mind him getting annoyed with you, you should be absolutely furious with him. Since when is exchanging sexy messages with another woman in any way acceptable?

If he has a problem with that, I agree with timeisnotaline, tell him you will share his cosy sex chats with his family and friends, see what they have to say.

Please don't put up with this OP.

LemonysSnicket Wed 12-Sep-18 19:10:26

Sexual - yes

LemonysSnicket Wed 12-Sep-18 19:12:11

Ask him if he'd be ok with you doing it then

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:40:53

He's just told me that I have made the whole thing up because there are no messages. He's showed me the phone and has deleted everything. I know that there were messages and pictures. He says that I'm paranoid and that he has never cheated and does not message other women.

category12 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:50:18

OK, so he's gaslighting you and treating you like you're stupid or delusional. Get rid of him.

Lou343 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:56:09

This is what he did last time after I'd just had DS but he eventually admitted talking to them. He just made out that it wasn't cheating etc etc. I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with it properly and stupidly agreed and accepted his apology.

He's probably been doing the same thing for years and been playing me for a fool.

LynetteScavo Wed 12-Sep-18 22:13:37

Yes it's cheating, and hurtful.

And he's lying. You know he is. sad

I wouldn't trust him anymore.

Turkkadin Wed 12-Sep-18 23:50:37

These scenarios always remind me of Tess Daly and her lovely husband Vernon. After her husband had been caught sexting other women Tess informed us all that it was because he wasn't aware that you arnt to do that when married with 2 children. She had explained to Vernon that it wasn't acceptable and now he knew the framework he wouldn't be making such an uninformed and apparently unintentional mistake again. The only people these women are fooling is themselves.

sparklepops123 Thu 13-Sep-18 06:02:08

You know you're right so deal with it, he's playing you for even a bigger fool to make out you were wrong to what you saw

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 07:16:25

I was really considering just letting it slide, but I don't see why I should disrespect myself so much. He actually got so angry at the fact I was upset about it. Shouting round saying I was a 'fucking mess'.

He said if I tell his family and friends they won't see anything wrong with it because it didn't happen!! I might just do that anyway, see what they really think!

RyderWhiteSwan Thu 13-Sep-18 07:28:06

Oh OP you know what you saw. He doesn't even have the guts to admit it and is doing the classic delete/deny/ gaslight. These men think they're SOOOOO clever but all run to a script. He has NO respect for you whatsoever.

sparklepops123 Thu 13-Sep-18 07:45:23

Call his bluff and tell them

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 07:51:59

You are not mad. You saw the messages, he is having sexual conversations with other women. His reaction is dispicable, he can’t even apologise to you, he’s twisting it round to try to make you think you’re mad.
If you let him get away with this again, he will carry on and will probably move on to actual affairs (if he already).

Dont stick around and let him disrespect you all over again.

Lou343 Thu 13-Sep-18 08:04:26

Think I've really started something here, he's woken in an absolutely foul mood. Absolutely adamant that he hasn't done it, I think that he may of convinced himself that much.

The reaction tells me everything I need to know though, he's absolutely lost it. Screaming and shouting telling me not to expect any money towards bills this month because I can't trust him.

He's only going to look after himself from now on because no one gives a fuck about him.

cloudtree Thu 13-Sep-18 08:06:18

Yep sorry OP, he's cheating. Whether he's actually having sex or not, the fact that he's sexting other women would be a deal breaker for me.

BlaaBlaaBlaa Thu 13-Sep-18 08:11:46

So, not only is he cheating he's prepared to let his wife and child go without by withholding money. What an absolute dick.

Call his bluff, tell people so you have support and ask him to leave

StopPOP Thu 13-Sep-18 08:16:37

What a twat. What are your plans now? Ignore him, ducks in a row

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:01

He's only going to look after himself from now on because no one gives a fuck about him

God he sounds about 6 years old.

He will carry on behaving like this until you became all meal, mild and apologise to him for accusing him of something he says he hasn’t done.

Do not play his game.

Tell him calmly that you saw the messages, tell him some of the phrases you read (if you can remember any). That he’s been found out again and you are not forgetting about it this time.

LizzieSiddal Thu 13-Sep-18 08:17:15


VoiceOfCommonSense Thu 13-Sep-18 09:34:06

This story has been picked up in Australia on Nine Honey website. More lazy “journalism”...

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