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Need advice!!(7 Posts)
I'm needing some advice on my relationship. I have been with my partner for just over 7 years now and we have a 9 month old baby together. We have been living together for 2 and a half years and Just recently over the past couple of months he's been making me feel unhappy. My partner gets so stressed and angry so easily I always feel like I'm in the wrong when something doesn't go his way or somebody has made him mad, as soon as I do something he doesn't like or do something wrong, I get all his stress thrown at me he can get that mad sometimes he has to punch A wall, which I hate because I'm not a violent person. I have confronted him about his anger issues and told him that he needs to go to the doctor's, but he says he doesn't need to see a doctor, and that he'll sort himself out. He got a job about a month ago which I'm happy for him, but over the past couple of weeks he's been saying I don't appreciate him. I don't know what else to do, I give him everything that he needs, I wake him up in the morning for work, make his morning coffee ,wash ,dry and put away his clean clothes, make sure he's got pack up for work, go to the shop when he needs something and everything else in between, as well as look after a 9 month old baby from the moment she wakes up till she goes to sleep everyday. I haven't had a they are since I gave birth to her. he never does anything for me though, he hasn't made me a brew in the morning in years, never goes to the shop for me, never cooked me tea, never takes me out on dates, out for meals and we haven't even spent a night in a hotel together. I just feel like I'm a single mum all the time even though I'm in a relationship.
we argue over stupid things all the time and then we do argue they can be quite bad sometimes. every time in arguments he ends up calling me names which I hate because it makes me feel like nothing. I don't want to feel like this anymore I don't know what to do. I finally built up the courage to tell him how he makes me feel because I knew it would start an argument, but all he said is that he would try change and that we would see how the next couple of weeks go. that was 3 weeks ago. I feel like I'm stuck because I do love him and I know he loves me but I don't know if that's enough. when we have good days they are good but when we have bad days they are really bad!
I'm only wanting a bit of advice guys, thanks everyone! X
You say you "know he loves you", but that is certainly not the vibe Im getting. What does he do to make you think he loves you? Firstly, he is taking the piss by having you as live in childcare and cleaner/chef, etc, and not pulling his weight.
Thats the not so bad bit.
But he is also abusive, and a bully. Children should not have to be brought up in homes with a parent punching walls, shouting, etc. Or to hear one parent belittling and name calling the other.
Of course you do not deserve this either. But I expect you have lost some of the respect you had for yourself- so please think of this from your DCs POV.
Finally, there is a decent risk his behaviour will escalate. Many violent peoples behaviour begins with generally "angry" violent behaviour (throwing things, breaking things, etc). This may be because they cant control their anger (and eventually you may become the broken object), or it may be a very purposeful attempt to intimidate you. Either is bad news...
What do you get out of this relationship now?. You brought a child into this as well. What is the situation re the property and finances?
And you are with this inherently angry and violent person because...
Would you want your child to grow up thinking this is normal because it clearly is not.
He won't sort himself out; he is simply paying lip service to his problems. You cannot fix, rescue or love someone like this better and you can only help your own self ultimately.
He has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He is also not above projecting his own issues onto you; it is he who is not appreciating you, not the other way around.
Punching walls indoors is an example of domestic violence and he does nothing for you or his child. You seem in turn to run around after him anticipating and facilitating his needs. He does nothing for you in return and only cares for his own self. You state you love him but he neither loves you or your child; he is treating you with contempt. Do you really love him or are you confusing love here with codependency?.
If you ultimately do not want to feel the ways you do any longer then you and he will need to separate. Womens Aid can also help you here on 0808 2000 247.
This sounds such an unhappy situation for you. There isn't one positive thing in your entire post other than you saying you know he loves you. How do you know that, what is he doing to show his love? Punching walls is a form of domestic violence and I think you really need to take a long hard look at your relationship and ask yourself is this the best life has to offer. Look into going it alone, you have your young dc to think of and your own mental well being.
When your baby grows up and meets a partner and bring them home to meet you; how will you feel if:
they are angry
they punching walls
they do nothing to help at home
they make your child feel like they are walking on eggs shells (that is how you feel isn't it?)
How will you feel?
Maybe you will feel sad for your child. Worried for your child. Worried for their safety and future. Worried the wall punching may end up in people punching, your child being punched.
Now your child tells you, they love this person, and they believe this person loves them.
What would you say to your child?
You call him ypir partner bit this is no partnership. You are not his mother or his slave. Of he doesmt chamge you need to move on from him
Life is short. Don't spend it with someone who is treating you shamefully and setting an appalling example to your child. Get legal advice and support and move on. This is not love.
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