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Am I doing the right thing?

(29 Posts)
SillyBillyMe17 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:12:18

Hi All!

I need some help/support/a kick up the backside..

I have lived with my partner for four years. No DCs, not married (this is part of the problem - he doesn't want it)..

Recently my desire for children, a future and marriage has come to the surface quite often. He know tells me he thinks about it sometimes, but never commits to saying yes let's do it (perhaps a positive looking at the bigger picture). I'm 33, he's 42.

I moved away from home (almost 200 miles) to be with him.

I work and pay 100% of the bills/food. He works sporadically but is renovating his house (that we both live in, but that he owns outright). He will only work enough to afford to purchase whatever materials he needs at the time (self-employed craftsman).

We've argued a lot, especially recently. And this weekend it erupted yet again. His family and he (I feel) keep secrets from me about his ex and her contact with them. She was awful when I first moved in and almost broke us up a few times. She recently got married and invited his family - they said no because of me, she couldn't believe I wasn't 'over' it yet, he told them to go because I didn't mind. I should say, I don't mind, it's not an issue anymore, but the fact I only found out they went through seeing photographs online riled me. So when he got arsey and asked where all my money went every month (I only work in admin - I don't earn a lot) and started asking how it all got spent on bills/vehicles/pets/food I flipped and asked him why he didn't tell me that I had been talked about.

Of course it escalated, he got really angry, screamed "I'm the man of this house", ripped a swing door down and through it into the kitchen (where I was). It hit my legs and he apologised profusely. An hour or so later he started saying I should get some help, I shouldn't push him to that extent and make him react that way. I have a chronic illness which makes me sad and that I have considered counselling for, but now it seems I need the counselling to sort my head out.. So, it's all my fault basically.

I really felt rock bottom, and spoke with my mum. I have booked to go and view a flat on Monday, with every intention of moving out (he is unaware), but he is going all nicey-nicey on me again and saying how much he's looking forward to Christmas, which is making me doubt my resolve.

We don't want the same things - sometimes I think he is future-faking to placate me.
We argue.
We have very little in common.
I am fed up of being the bread winner.
We've never been on holiday, we don't go out (because I can't afford to pay for it).
He has a heart of gold and loves his family, but I can't help but think this relationship is toxic for both of us.

Am I doing the right thing?

AnnaThursday Thu 19-Oct-17 10:17:15

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck in your new place, op.

Nottalotta Thu 19-Oct-17 10:20:52

Yes!! You are. Get out now while it is easier to do so. (No children, not married, no joint mortgage etc)

I'm in a similar position except I have all of the above ties and no money. I feel totally stuck. And Hove is also future faking. I mean he's going all out but I just want to leave.

Sorry , to hijack.

Go go go.

TheVanguardSix Thu 19-Oct-17 10:23:28

Go! Do the right thing and don't look back! flowers

Beek84 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:32:03

Be grateful you haven't had children with this man-child. Do not let him make you feel like his behaviour is your fault. It isn't. You don't 'make' him do things - he is responsible for his own (abusive) actions.

I know it's easy for strangers like me to say just leave and I appreciate it's scary to think about changing your life so drastically but you have taken the first steps, you know tou need to go. Good luck with the flat viewing, lean on your family and look after yourself X

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 19-Oct-17 10:36:53

View the flat on Monday and then move out asap. He is adept at telling you what you want to hear.

Christmas after all is but two days of the year; this person is a supremely selfish individual who has and is continuing to future fake you. At 42 years of age as well, he is not going to change and this is who he really is.

ElspethFlashman Thu 19-Oct-17 10:37:35

Heart of gold?

Heart of gold??!

Fuck me. It doesn't take much to be considered a great guy, does it?

Move in with a chick, persuade her to pay for everything whilst you live rent and bill free whilst doing up your home that you're adamant she will never own.

Sorry OP, you've been a right mug. Best get the fuck out.

Looserwoman Thu 19-Oct-17 10:39:30

A heart of gold?? I don't think so.

category12 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:39:57

Please don't get hoovered back in, he's being nice but it's temporary. Make the break.

AlternativeTentacle Thu 19-Oct-17 10:41:22

Yes you are doing the right thing.

sabbath84 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:43:14

Your doing the right thing op , leave and don't look back. It will be hard but I think you'll find your life is happier and more fulfilled away from him.

If you try ignore everything else and just ask yourself what do I get from this relationship ? Does it make me happy?, am I supported and loved for being me? You'll know the answer and what you should do.

Good luck

WhoWants2Know Thu 19-Oct-17 10:45:04

He's abusive, OP. Go back to your family and people who really care for you.

Cricrichan Thu 19-Oct-17 10:52:06

What an awful awful man. So he's got someone funding his life whilst he invests everything into his house. He is wasting your life. Get out now whilst you're still young and have no ties to him. Or wait until you're 40 with no assets, no kids and then.it'll be a lot harder to have them.

Also, the fact that he tells you that you need counselling and questioning the person who pays for everything where your money.is going are big alarm bells.

SillyBillyMe17 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:52:28

Thank you all so much - it's hard because I feel guilty for leaving him, I know he'll cry, but I also know he will be Ok.

I worry about the silly things - like when his dog dies how will he cope, I know that's daft!! But I know I have to put myself first.. It's so very scary.

@Nottalotta so sorry to hear you're going through the same thing but with all the additions, I am grateful now I don't have them, otherwise I would feel trapped. Be strong and do what's right for you and DC's xxx

caringdenise009 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:54:42

He's got you there subsidising his renovations and he isn't even grateful. Definitely move out ASAP and cut all contact with him. He is not the kind of person you want as a friend. He is a cheeky fucker at best, a nasty abuser in the making.

You deserve better than him.

SillyBillyMe17 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:55:44

@ElspethFlashman Yep, I'm a mug alright. It's amazing how utterly stupid you can be! If I was my daughter I'd be dragging me out of there!

Thank you all for building me up! I know it's right deep down, I'm just being soft.. I think the door throwing/counselling jibes was the last straw...

SillyBillyMe17 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:56:42

Thank you @caringdenise009

I can't believe I've let it happen for so long... sad

letsdolunch321 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:58:41

Get out as soon as possible.

A heart of Gold ...... the only thing his heart is foing is keeping him alive. He is a vile specimen who is happy for you to work & pay the bills.

Get out and don't go back. He has zero respect for you

Good luck on viewing the flat on Monday

Apileofballyhoo Thu 19-Oct-17 11:01:30

Absolutely doing the right thing. flowers You deserve to be with someone who deserves you.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 19-Oct-17 12:41:16

WOW!
He is basically using and abusing you.
Time to go back to where people really do love you and get some support.
Please do the Freedom Programme once you are out.
There are a huge amount of red flags that you have chosen to ignore.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 19-Oct-17 12:51:38

An hour or so later he started saying I should get some help, I shouldn't push him to that extent and make him react that way.

THIS IS HOW ABUSERS EXCUSE THEIR BEHAVIOUR.

Believe me, it's not you. It's him.

You are definitely doing the right thing OP. Even if the flat is a bit of a shit-hole, take it to get away from him, then you will have time and space to plan your next step. Well done for telling your Mum. That can be very difficult as it makes it 'real' but you're doing great. Keep going and get the fuck out! flowers

teaortequila23 Thu 19-Oct-17 12:58:15

Go and get a place of your own!
How ridiculous that he turned his anger outburst on you!
You and him want totally different things and you can’t stay.
Go get yourself someone u can have a family with a build with.

SillyBillyMe17 Thu 19-Oct-17 13:10:53

Thank you.

@hellsbellsmelons what is the Freedom Programme?

I'm looking forward to seeing the flat and getting some space . It's going to be so hard but I just keep reminding myself of how low I feel about the relationship, and that I've felt that way for a long time.

The support here is wonderful!

SillyBillyMe17 Tue 31-Oct-17 15:44:10

I just wanted to update...

I spoke to a self-referral counselling service, who identified emotional psychological abuse, that was hard to hear but not a surprise.

I've passed referencing, paid my deposits and have a move-in date 1st December! Now, just to get through this next month - any tips? He's getting increasingly snappy so it's going to be hard to (a) not tell him and (b) stick around for a month..

I only have clothes to pack, so that can be done when I tell him/leave - any advice on that, too?

Oh, and one other bit of news.. I'm going to be an Auntie woohoo! grin

Thank you all for your support and advice!

Walkacrossthesand Tue 31-Oct-17 15:51:25

Have you got any friends with a spare room who would put you up for a few weeks? Matey's got a rude awakening when he finds out his bill-payer is leaving - you'll have a fair bit to do, cancelling direct debits etc. is there a time of the month that's best to do that? Plan your departure, either to your rental or to friends house, for the smoothest possible transition. Good luck!

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