Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Unplanned pregnancy, new relationship

(13 Posts)
AstrantiaMallow Sun 25-Jun-17 21:58:49

I think I'm pregnant. It's not planned and I feel like I've fucked up in a big way...

I'd been feeling weird, missed period, did two tests today, both positive. We've been going out 18 mths, going nicely but not living together, and it's not really on the cards. I already have DCs from my 1st marriage who he's slowly got to know.

I feel scared. I left an abusive marriage and was just getting back on my feet. My ex became more abusive and controlling when I was pregnant. I'm scared what my bf's going to say, we don't even live together, he's mid/late 40s with DCs who've left home. We discussed the future including children and I'd said I didn't want anymore because trying to get career on track and my own DCs take priority. He said he was too old - he's older than me. I don't know how it happened. We used condoms and I thought we were careful. I didn't think we'd had a fail although maybe they're not 100%. I feel so silly and angry with myself. Like I've messed up. And let everyone down, DCs and myself.

I haven't told him or anyone. All I can see is how vulnerable this is making me ... Huge step back and yet can't imagine getting rid. Has anyone been in similar position and made it work? My head is all over the place tonight. There's no way positive tests can be wrong is there?

Somerville Sun 25-Jun-17 22:04:42

Hand hold. flowers

Have you got a RL friend you can get support from in complete confidence? A complete unexpected pregnancy is a massive shock.

adifferentnameforthis Sun 25-Jun-17 22:07:16

Sorry, I don't think so. I think you are pregnant. I'm so sorry. flowers to you

LouiseTM Sun 25-Jun-17 22:20:07

Dont look at the parts of this that u feel are negative, a baby is also a postive and amazing experience which im sure you know, It doesnt seem to me that there is a major reason why this cant turn out to be a happy accident. Good luck OP, dont judge yourself too harshly.

AstrantiaMallow Mon 26-Jun-17 11:08:37

Thank you for replying. I'm in shock and I know you're right that I must be if the tests say.

I've got a friend I see nearly every week. I'll speak to her when I see her later this week. She knows my bf and the bigger picture with my ex and the DCs. My previous pregnancies weren't happy because of the abuse but there was stability financially which I don't feel I have at all now.

Louise Happy accident I wish - I'm a single mum to my DCs, their father doesn't support us, things are very tight money wise. I've been looking for full time work. None of that goes with looking after a baby and then the early years and childcare costs. My bf is lovely but he split with a previous girlfriend as she wanted to start a family when he didn't. It was a few years ago and he's in a different place now and has been great with my DCs. But still I'm not sure how he's going to take it. And then my DCs as well ... I've done everything I can so they're least affected with everything that's happened in the last few years, it takes a lot of my time which I'm very happy to do but a baby will take all that attention away. I can't see myself going through pregnancy just by myself either if I'm honest.

C0RAL Mon 26-Jun-17 11:33:56

I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation to be in. Please get some RL support from a friend who can help you work out what you want to do.

Remember you have options . You can

Keep the baby yourself
Raise the baby with him
He can raise the baby alone
Someone in your extended family can raise the baby
Someone is his extended family can raise the baby
Place the baby for adoption
Terminate the pregnancy

There's more than two options here, but only you know what's right in your situation. None of them are easy and you will feel guilty whatever you do.

Please don't feel stupid or angry with yourself . Pregnancy is a common side effect of sex and he knows that as well as you.

This is the responsibility of you both but ultimately your decision .

AstrantiaMallow Mon 26-Jun-17 14:04:44

I'm aware of the options ... I don't know if it's just my decision though.
Even if he says he'll be supportive I don't know how to make this work in practical terms. The relationship has been really good but it'd be like fast forwarding it. That's also what scares me.
I feel stupid because I wasn't on the pill. I stopped taking it when my ex left. I never liked taking it and I wasn't keen to start again so we settled for condoms. Had it been both methods, it wouldn't have happened.

Somerville Mon 26-Jun-17 14:12:31

If your boyfriend is as dead-set against having more children as you think, then he bears equal responsibility with you, and may well feel guilt at not having had a vasectomy. I think you'll both need some time to work through those thoughts and feelings, but if he ever begins piling the guilt onto you for the contraception responsibility then I suggest you ditch him quick.

Once you've both worked through the shock and the self-recrimination (not that you need to do the latter - many of us have been there with a contraception failure), then that'll be the time to make some desicions. You may even find by then that sub-consciously you already know the right future steps for you.

category12 Mon 26-Jun-17 14:29:46

Well it doesn't have to fast forward it. It's the temptation and what people usually do, but you could stay as you are. Stay dating, don't push things on, have him still as boyfriend not living together, and when the baby is born, have him pay child support. It wouldn't be easy, any of it, but it is an option.

I would put serious consideration to ending the pregnancy as well, in your position.

Ultimately it is up to you, as your life and body will be more impacted than his.

Angeldt Mon 26-Jun-17 18:34:31

As you are not married/living together I really believe this is your decision. Yes I know it takes 2 to make a baby but as you do not live together and from what you say it doesn't come across as if it's in the pipeline ,you are the one who is financially looking after yourself and family so only you know if it is something you want / can cope with.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme Mon 26-Jun-17 18:52:32

Hope it goes well when/if you tell your bf OP

WaahImTellingTheDorchester Mon 26-Jun-17 19:01:29

No, this is your decision and yours alone. He can turn and walk away without a backward glance: you cannot. His children need not ever know - yours will see their lives fundamentally change.

Take a bit of time to get over the shock first, and then think carefully.

In your shoes I would not continue with the pregnancy.

AstrantiaMallow Mon 26-Jun-17 22:28:10

Dead set against I don't know, but he told me his last relationship ended as she wanted a child and he didn't feel ready, and that he's too old. I said myself I didn't want more, so it was a non issue at the time. He's always been fine about me having my own and is kind to them.

The DCs and I only moved last year. It's not like he ever said anything against us moving long term. It just doesn't feel it's that stage in the relationship. That said I'm the one who was super cautious and wanted to take things slow. He's been really patient and understanding of my divorce and situation.

I'm not hard-nosed enough to make a decision without telling him first. I couldn't face him to be honest. Thing is it's a lot more complicated than if we already lived together anyway. After my ex I find it hard to trust my judgement, I can't really think of a solution I like without feeling totally deluded. I want to tell him but I can't see him before the end of the week. I'm so upset.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: