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I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

(800 Posts)
Poppysquad Wed 07-Jun-17 23:10:21

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.<br>Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. <br>Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.<br>On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. <br>I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. <br>He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

scottishdiem Wed 07-Jun-17 23:13:57

What benefit are you getting from this relationship. He is offering you nothing and demanding that you are some kind of compliant slave.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Jun-17 23:14:55

Oh god, surely living without this man would make you happier?

WeeWillyWinkieFromEccles Wed 07-Jun-17 23:16:41

God that sounds hideous. He needs kicking out once and for all.

HopeClearwater Wed 07-Jun-17 23:16:56

You haven't mentioned why in god's name you got together with him in the first place...
Why live like this? Don't you deserve better?

Giraffey1 Wed 07-Jun-17 23:22:24

He sounds very unpleasant- do you really want someone like that in your life? It doesn't seem as if you have a loving partnership going on there ....

SellMySoulForSomeSleep Wed 07-Jun-17 23:25:44

He is manipulative and nasty. You don't deserve that. I was in a relationship like it once. You lose all sense of what is normal.
Look after yourself. flowers

Moanyoldcow Wed 07-Jun-17 23:26:24

He sound like a total arsehole. I cannot see how you benefit from this relationship in any way.

WickedLazy Wed 07-Jun-17 23:31:37

Just because he's "retired" doesn't mean he's not a cock lodger. Was he always like this? When did the rages, nastiness and entitlement start?

WickedLazy Wed 07-Jun-17 23:33:00

You say you bought a house "together" but refer to him as you're "partner" so assuming you aren't married?

Whose name is the house in?

Poppysquad Wed 07-Jun-17 23:34:17

It's not all negative. He has been very supportive. I have worked hard to loose a lot of weight and he was there for me. I started running and he encouraged me, although he has said recently that I could 'forget the running' when he raged at me one time, and he hasn't run with me since.
He has sorted out my finances, and my pension, he is an accountant, and he has helped me do my tax returns
He has done lots and lots of work in the house and has started on the garden. He is retired and this is sort of his project.
He says that we don't spend enough time together. I think he'd ideally like me or take early retirement.
I am affraid that my poor son feels like I do, and he will go away to university and will not want to come home if I am still with him.

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:34:43

Just imagine him not being there. No sinking feeling when the key turns in the lock. No walking on eggshells - is he mr nice or mr nasty today?

He sounds like a toad. What are his redeeming qualities?

Why do you think you should endure this man?

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:35:51

If he cooked dinner and wiped the surfaces for when you get in you could spend more time together.

Poppysquad Wed 07-Jun-17 23:37:35

The house in joint names. He paid in cash I paid cash and also a have a mortgage on the property. It's all tied up appropriately with a legal document setting it all out

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:39:45

If you gave up your job he could moan at you all day and you would not be so financially independent. Plus you could cook him his lunch too. I can see why he wants you to retire.

A relationship, to me, is choosing to share your life with someone. My husband brings me joy. I love coming home to see him. He wants me to be happy.

The fact he would not be there for your test results. Can you imagine doing the same to him, what would he say about it?

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:40:40

If you split could you manage financially?

BorisTrumpsHair Wed 07-Jun-17 23:40:47

Disentangle your life from this man and tell him to go. He's not at all pleasant to be with at all is he?

WickedLazy Wed 07-Jun-17 23:42:09

You could say he was the nicest, most honest man you'd ever known, and I would still ask are you 100% sure all documentation is as it should be?

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:42:22

The running comment. He said he won't run with you anymore to make you unhappy, yet he wants to spend more time with you. Surely running together is spending time together.

Poppysquad Wed 07-Jun-17 23:42:47

The rages started once we moved in together. He says that he just gets so frustrated. It's the constant threat that he might leave that wears me out - and now he has, sort of.
I am a bit over whelmed by the responses. So many and all saying similar things. I thought It was me.

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:45:05

Poppy, it's not you. He threatens to leave to get you to toe the line. Next time you behave better.

He said he would not wait with you for biopsy results to chastise you like a naughty child who doesn't deserve his presence. This is who he is. Mean and callous.

Poppysquad Wed 07-Jun-17 23:48:10

I am lucky, yes I can be financially independent. I have a large chunk of money sunk into the house, so it will need to be sold but I could rent somewhere.
My son has his last A level on Monday. This is such a s**t time for him. He is trying to stay out of the way and has said - is it my fault mum?

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:48:55

Sorry to go on about this, it's just really sad. If a colleague was worried about getting her biopsy results would you go with her? The man who you bought a house and share your and your sons life with would not sit with you for test results.

Fuck I'd hold a strangers hand to give her comfort in that situation.

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:50:07

So Tuesday then! I'm sure he will help you pack.

Seriously take legal advice, see where you stand. Can you buy him out?

43percentburnt Wed 07-Jun-17 23:51:37

There is never a perfect time.

How did you feel when he disappeared to the hotel?

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