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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sexual harassment uncovered a bigger problem

79 replies

StupidSlimyGit · 15/05/2017 21:31

I had a thread in AIBU about sexual harassment at my work place asking for advice on whether I should take it further and how to do so. The advice I got was amazing and the issue is resolved but, in the investigations it has emerged that my DP has been cheating on me with one of the cleaners where we both work. He has told people we are in an open relationship (we are not and have never discussed one) advised people to send me sexual messages. Original thread is here if anyone wants to read it.

I have a 7 month old baby and I'm still on maternity leave. We have been together for around 4 years. I got with him after I managed to leave a (physically and mentally) abusive relationship. I've got some health issues along with PTSD, anxiety, depression and personality disorder but I've been his carer since we got together because he has some serious MH issues himself.

He doesn't know I know, I'm shaking from head to foot and feel sick, just want to cry. My whole world feels like it has imploded. I can't leave right now, I'm very limited contact with my family who live on the other side of the country and the rest live abroad and don't have many friends because of my MH issues (find it difficult to go out meet people etc). I can't afford my home alone, and he is the only childcare I have for DD because I'm where I am. I cant not go back to work because then i owe them hundreds of pounds in enhanced maternity pay so I'm stuck for at least another 5 months.

Sorry this is rambly i don't really know what I'm asking. Hand holds maybe please?

OP posts:

Report

hazeydays14 · 15/05/2017 21:34

So sorry this is happening to you OP sorry I don't have any useful advice but I'm sure someone will be along with some soon.

StupidSlimyGit · 15/05/2017 21:44

Thankyou

OP posts:

marthastew · 15/05/2017 21:48

I'm so sorry op. What an awful situation. Coming on here to calm down, seek support and make a plan is a good first step. Whatever you do next, do it for you and your DC.

Mehfruittea · 15/05/2017 21:54

I remember your previous thread but think I just lurked. Glad you got it sorted but OMFG!!

Do you really think you can stay in this relationship until you enhanced mat pay obligations expire?

What are your other options? I assume HR have disclosed this info to you. Can you have an open conversation with them about your next steps?

If you go back to work p/t can you keep the mat pay you've had?

If you leave, and obtain emergency housing through council/women's aid etc, how does the money stack up? With paying for childcare? Can you get some benefits advice?

What process with your employer use to claw back the enhanced mat pay? Can you negotiate?

I can't imagine staying in the relationship, I'm too weak. I'd leave but understand why you feel you can't. Such a tough situation

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 15/05/2017 22:01

Gutted this has turned out this way, so sorry OP, you don't deserve this.

Surely your "d"p must know that it's only a matter of time before you found out, given that he'd sent the other guy messages, and that these messages would be used as evidence?
Otherwise he's very stupid.

Sorry I can't offer advice. Here's my hand.

43percentburnt · 15/05/2017 22:03

Can the store transfer you to a store near your family? They have treated you terribly and it's worth asking.

StupidSlimyGit · 15/05/2017 22:37

He and this guy discussed in the messages how I wouldn't "go for it" if I knew they had talked etc.I genuinely think he was fucking stupid enough to believe I wouldn't find out. That or he thinks I'm stupid enough to believe they are only friends
I only work 20-30 hours pw because of my health issues, it's not much but I've spent years working up to this after my first DD died and I had my breakdown. I don't really have any options regarding my enhanced pay. I have to pay it back as soon as I notify them I won't be continuing employment.
If I left him today I wouldn't have the money to feed or clothe DD, and childcare costs almost the same PH as my hourly wage.
My mother and father live in the same city as my ex, and blame me for my DDs death due to their religion hence the limited contact so I can't go to them for help with childcare and we have no stores in the country my family live in.
I think I can stay till my obligations run out. I still love him which is killing me tonight, I'd love to just run but if I can stick it out for this few months then I can get things in order and leave in a better financial position so I can support my little one. She's innocent in all of this.

OP posts:

MadamePomfrey · 15/05/2017 22:51

Did they get the messaged from the other guy??! You can't trust this guy not to let your 'd'p know. So you need legal advice ASAP! Try citizens advice if you don't have cash right now! Start gathering evidence and information!! What are you entitled to as part of the investigation get copies of payslips bank statements ect if you can safely. Agree you have good grounds for a transfer so see if you can finish your time elsewhere! I'm sure there are lots of things I haven't thought of but use the time! And most importantly go to your gp and get support for yourself throughout all this

HelenaDove · 15/05/2017 23:21

I rather think they are not going to insist on you paying back enhanced maternity pay are they?

This is a clear cut case of sexual harrassment and sexual discrimination at work.

Not to mention the abuse from your DP.

notapizzaeater · 15/05/2017 23:27

Agree, speak to work quoting this and see if they will let you off

Sorry about your dick of a partner

Ginkypig · 15/05/2017 23:45

Iv got no words, I'm just very very sorry to hear your update.

I really hope you find support slim.

No matter how bad you feel, remember you are fucking awesome and you haven't deserved such horrible treatment

StupidSlimyGit · 16/05/2017 00:10

I'll talk to work and CAB tomorrow and see what they both suggest. I'm swinging between wanting to hit him, wanting to run, and wanting to cry in a puddle on the floor right now, finding it hard to keep a straight face. Work haven't told the git that I have seen the messages so he wont know to warn dds dad.
I've finally got DD to sleep though and she gets up at 5 every day so I'm going to go have a good cry and try to get some sleep then I'll find my big girl pants in the morning. Thankyou again for the advice and hands.

OP posts:

mariefab · 16/05/2017 06:39

Do you know, or can you find out, your manager's workplace email address?

TheHauntedFishtank · 16/05/2017 07:00

How are you doing this morning?

StupidSlimyGit · 16/05/2017 07:52

I haven't got my managers email but I do have the email for someone at head office who was lovely and helpful.
I'm still shaken up this morning but calmer than I was yesterday. Just doesn't seem real.

OP posts:

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2017 08:13

Have you looked into tax credit and housing benefit entitlements? Entiteled to is a great calculator and usually spot on. You can add in your estimated childcare costs and it factors them in. It will give you a good idea to what your financial situation would be on your own.

You should speak ot your local council too, while housing is in a poor state, some councils are better than others and if you explain your situation you may be housed.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this, it's not fair and you don't deserve this one bit

ItsNachoCheese · 16/05/2017 08:34

Just read your other thread and i am appalled at the way you have been treated by everyone. Remember you are stronger than you think

WellErrr · 16/05/2017 14:03

Awful

user1465335180 · 16/05/2017 18:41

I read your previous thread and was appalled by the abuse from your workmates and even MORE appalled when I read it had all started from your partner. I honesty don't know how you can tolerate being in the same house, I would want to throttle him- he is a slimebag of the first degree! I'm so sorry life has been so hard for you, for your parents to blame you for your child's death is outrageous and unjust, I'm not surprised you have had MH issues. I'm sorry I don't have any wise words for you but I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I hope that you can find a happy life and escape all this crap and go and live a happy life with your child

Tazerface · 16/05/2017 18:57

My god OP I've just read you're other thread too I'm so sorry . You just seem surrounded by bastards at the moment.

I don't really have any advice just wanted to add my support. So sorry for everything.

StupidSlimyGit · 17/05/2017 15:32

Thankyou for all the support. I'm not sure there is much I can say. It's over, he dumped me this morning when I refused to engage in an argument with him because his girlfriend had been shouted at at work by a colleague who had seem him and her together.
CAB was less than no help and I have to pay the mat pay back if I don't work. We have to stay in this place for a few more months because we are still in contract then it looks like me and DD will have to move and find somewhere new. I'm going to ask about returning to work early so work off my obligation and get as much saved as possible before this lease is up.

OP posts:

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/05/2017 16:12

He dumped you? God, just when I thought I'd seen or read about every possible variety of arsehole, here's a new one! Fuuuuuck, there aren't enough swear words for me to communicate to you what I think of this utter pond scum.

StupidSlimyGit · 17/05/2017 16:24

Just feel utterly numb. I will not cry infront of him but right now I really want to go to bed and sob. Stupid isn't it. Gah

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 17/05/2017 16:25

what a bastard.
Did you let him know that you were into him?
Anyway handhold here. Is he still staying with you right now???
I would get a claim in for child support ASAP as l don't think he will be putting his hand in his pocket for DD anytime soon.

StupidSlimyGit · 17/05/2017 16:30

We rent our flat together and he has no family/friends he could stay with so he's going to be staying here till our tenancy ends.
I haven't told him I know about her. I haven't said anything to him since he said it, I I open my mouth I'll cry and I am not crying infront of him.
He was angry this AM because people have been "spreading rumours" about them at work and his 'friend' got shouted at. I've spoken to the person, she saw them kissing and told the girl stupid leg spreading bitch what she thought of her.

OP posts:

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