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Advice needed of introducing his other children

(18 Posts)
ConConstance Sun 26-Feb-17 01:35:00

I don't know if I have posted this in the right area on here but need some advice please. I posted about a month ago for the first time and now need some more help please.

I had an affair for 5 years with my married boss. We have a child just under a year old (wasn't planned)

His wife found out a month ago and they have since split. Since then, he has wanted contact with my baby. We had an agreement in place where he wouldn't have contact.

we have spoken and to be honest I think I pushed him out of having anything to do with pregnancy, birth and her upbringing or any financial help. He has met her a couple of times and has given me money to bank for her.

NOTHING is going on between us now and if he wants to be involved I'm happy for that to happen. His three children with his wife also now know about my child and his youngest is desperate to meet.

My question is how do I go about this? I don't want to rush things especially with my child being so young, still BF and only having spent such a small amount of time with her father while I have been there.

Her first birthday is soon approaching so I was maybe thinking of suggesting he brings along to little party. The whole situation is a complete mess and I don't know what to do for the best or want to make things awkward for him with his youngest by putting it off too long.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 26-Feb-17 08:07:58

I don't know of a birthday party is the right time and place. It's very raw and emotional and while there might be the best intentions it could all kick off and turn into a bit of car crash TV with both worlds colliding. How old is the youngest? Do the others want to meet? You are doing the right thing in meeting, as it's your child's siblings but you can protect your selves, and them too.

jeaux90 Sun 26-Feb-17 08:12:28

Ask yourself what is right for your child and his children (they are probably having a difficult time, and if one wants to meet and the other don't etc)

Sounds like you should take a step back for a bit whilst the man sorts out the shit storm.

Focus on you and your baby.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Feb-17 08:18:05

I'm not sure how old his youngest is, but could you arrange a visit to a soft play centre and they meet there? Depends on the age of his youngest of course.

If I was you I'd also make sure the mother, is okay with her child meeting the half sibling. It wouldn't be right to do it without her knowledge and agreement.

I don't think the birthday party is a bad idea as a place to meet. There's no pressure, as other stuff is going on.

F1GI Sun 26-Feb-17 08:22:27

How old is his youngest?

If it's just a piece of cake at home then you could try that.

Warning though, if youngest is 8+ and this goes wrong, it will be etched on his/her memory forever.

tribpot Sun 26-Feb-17 08:24:13

I agree, everyone needs to be if not happy, at least ready, for the children to meet. This is all extremely new to his children and I would be concerned that meeting your child so soon could be harmful to them.

There's no benefit for your dd in having contact with her half-siblings at this age, so it's really a problem for him and his wife to resolve as they think best for their own children.

stitchglitched Sun 26-Feb-17 08:49:15

Surely it's best for the father to establish regular contact and then introduce his children when he and his wife feel the time is appropriate during his own contact time. I'm not sure why you need to be involved in that process.

Emeralda Sun 26-Feb-17 09:58:56

Stitchglitched is right to an extent - the decision about when his older children meet their sibling is his to make with their DM, and for him to carry out during the time he has DD. You don't need to be there or to be involved in that decision. If you trust him to have contact with DD, you have to trust him to make the right decisions for her while she is with him. The best you can hope for is that he keeps you informed. By keeping your own emotions out of it as much as possible, you'll be in a better position to make decisions for DD.
It's really hard to work out how you're both going to be as separated parents when you have a small baby. You may not want to be parted from her for a minute. If you haven't lived together or met his older children, you may not know what he's like as a dad.

What support do you have in real life? Do you have family and friends around? In a situation like this, people may be quick to judge so you might have to work on building up a support network for you and DD.

I'd be thinking about practical stuff and planning for the future. Is he going to contribute regularly towards her upbringing? Is his name on the birth certificate - does he have parental rights?

You might find the Lone Parents board here helpful. Good luck.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 26-Feb-17 10:19:32

I'm not sure I agree that the OP should contact the (ex) wife to make sure she's OK with it etc. You had an affair with her husband, and her life has been torn asunder. She probably doesn't want to hear from you to arrange play dates... He needs to sort that out, and as a PP said, he manages the introduction of the siblings during his contact time. In my first post, upthread, I wrongly assumed your child was older - so there is no rush to introduce. The father needs to Make arrangements, consider the feelings of all of his children and then to a lesser extent you and the ex-wife.

ConConstance Sun 26-Feb-17 11:40:51

Thank you all for the non judgemental advice. His youngest is 12 years old. At the age she is, I really don't want anything to go wrong. His other two are 15 and 17 years old but he hasn't seen them since everything came out. Apparently the youngest is very keen to meet and I get the impression he is too for her but I don't want it to be for the wrong reasons on keeping her on side.

Emboo19 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:49:37

Does he not have your baby alone at the moment op?
Maybe you could meet him at a local park or something, leave him with baby and go get a coffee. Then you aren't far if baby needs a feed or anything, yet you aren't there as well. At 12 if you're there I'd imagine it would feel like she's meeting her dad's new girlfriend and baby, even if that's not the case.

Emboo19 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:51:22

But as others have said it's his decision to make. He knows his child and if she's ready or not.

ConConstance Sun 26-Feb-17 11:53:07

No, he's only met her a few times so far. The park is a good idea I will put it too him. I would rather not be there to be honest.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sun 26-Feb-17 11:55:15

He's a father, I would've thought he would arrange the meet and take your DC for a couple of hours.

His DC might be keen or curious on meeting their half sibling, but might not be keen on meeting you as you are the reason that mum & dad aren't together anymore.

So if I were you in this situation I'd just let him organise and agree the timings he can take the baby.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Sun 26-Feb-17 11:57:33

I would really try to delay if at all possible. Do you not need to sort the access arrangement with the father first? I know you said initially he wasn't going to have access but if he now wants it, this needs to be resolved as the priority - especially before his other children are introduced.

I think 12 is a very, very difficult age for his youngest to be exposed to this. Probably still not quite old enough to fully understand the ramifications of what has happened with their parents, and what their half sibling represents within this difficult relationship. It would be awful if s/he met your baby for instance, but then the father didn't further contact himself - where does that leave this poor 12 year old in all this?

ConConstance Sun 26-Feb-17 12:02:22

I did forget to add to orbital post, likes been said he does want contact and to help financially and has suggested going through a solicitor to put something in place.

I think I will ask him to hold off a little longer until I'm comfortable for him to take Baby himself so he can do it. As it stands, I happy for him to be involved but as for me I don't want to be with him so don't want to be involved especially where his other children are concerned.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice.

Charley50 Sun 26-Feb-17 12:04:23

He should pay maintenance. It's positive that he and his daughter want a relationship with DC. It's going to be very painful for his wife/ ex-wife but the long term has to be considered.

Holly3434 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:43:15

I think you need to take stock of this man's intentions, he was happy whilst his wife was oblivious to not have much to do with his child now she's left, he wants to play happy families. I think you should cool this off for a bit imagine being her finding out then a month later he takes her children to your house to meet his love child. Way too soon for anything like this and you should have some compassion and respect which you did lack before for his wife

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