Am I Overreacting?(17 Posts)
So recently me and quite a good friend fell out. She thinks I am being unreasonable but I think she is overreacting. I'd quite like an opinion from someone who doesn't know either of us. So this is what happened, I'm trying not to sugar it up in my favour:
I had arranged to meet my friend at the weekend, on the morning of our meeting she sent me a text to say she couldn't make it because she didn't have enough money. Apparently her benefits weren't paid for some reason. I was annoyed, but I didn't say anything and swept it under the rug. We arranged to meet a few days later after work. At lunchtime I got a text from her to say she couldn't make it - no excuse or apology given.
I was so annoyed and couldn't believe she didn't even apologise - 2 meetings in a row she had cancelled. However I kept my cool and just didn't reply. I knew if I did I would say something I would probably regret.
A few hours later she sent me a casual message asking if I could do some printing for her. This really annoyed me and felt like she was taking the P. So I decided I was going to let her know that I was annoyed that she had cancelled on me again, this time with no excuse or apology. She said she didn't seem the harm as she let me know. I was actually disappointed that someone who I thought was a good friend could be casual and didn't see the problem in wasting my time.
This friend suffers from chronic back pain and at times can be very painful. When I told her I wasn't happy she had cancelled twice in a week, she said her back was giving her pain and that I have been friends with her for long enough to know that it can stop her from doing stuff. She has cancelled on me before because of her back pain, which I understood - but twice in a week with no apology isn't good. She then proceed to tell me that if I had a problem with that to never speak with her again.
I personally hate hearing adults saying those words - it's a very immature way to deal with conflict in my opinion. So I told her not to behave like a child. She then got super aggressive and told me to f**k off and never accuse her of being a child. I decided to end the conversation there as I didn't want it spiraling out of control. Her reaction to me questioning her about cancelling our plans actually upset me more than her cancelling.
When the dust had settled I reached out an olive branch, which she kind of accepted. She told me that our exchange of words had deeply upset her and that she would not be making arrangements to see me again. This was 5 months ago, and while we text every now and then, things are not the same and we haven't met up in person since.
So I'm looking for an unbiased opinion, was I unreasonable in being annoyed at her for cancelling twice in a row or is she just overreacting.
In the past when we have had minor arguments she has deleted me as a friend on Facebook. So I know from experience she is very quick to cut people out of her life.
Friends and family that I have spoken to about this situation told me that perhaps she didn't hold our friendship with very high regard. I thought of her as a close friend, perhaps to her I was just a 'friend' - which maybe is why she found it so easy to cut ties with me. Some have said that not all friendships are meant to last forever, and I should just move on. There were times before this 'incident' that when we were discussing things I found it difficult to understand her opinion. That's not to say she is wrong, but I didn't always see where she was coming from which made it difficult for me to sympathise with her.
However, I'm finding it difficult still to adjust from speaking to her everyday to not at all. Sometimes I'll see things and think 'oh, she would love that' and I'd get the urge to contact her but then I remember she doesn't want me to contact her anymore. I actually get a little jealous when I see how she's moving on with her life on social media.
All comments and thoughts welcome, I'm very happy for people to tell me if I was being an idiot.
If you have chronic pain you don't get to decide when it will happen ffs. Twice in a week must have been utterly horrendous for her.
I don't blame her at all, you know she has chronic pain and yet your more concerned about being cancelled on, and questioning her friendship to you.
A good friend would have checked she was ok, perhaps taken lunch round not gone into a sulk because they were not getting their own way.
Maybe that was a bit harsh, but I doubt your the first person to be less than sympathetic about her cancelling when it is for a reason beyond her control. I expect she can at time feels very isolated at the world.
You need to accept that you messed up, you either apologise and say you miss the friendship and then spend time actually understanding the extent of what she goes through or just walk away.
It's hard to understand the agony of chronic pain unless you have had it. At the time niceties go out the window. A good friend would understand that a friend with a chronic condition may cancel twice in a week and be a bit flaky. Seems you are not that friend sadly.
I call bullshit on her "back pain" though. She only said that after the two cancellations so if Shen had been suffering and been honest then the OP would have been understanding and not pissed off
So OP I think youre in the right but do you want this relationship back anyway? What does it feed in your soul or hers? It sounds to me like part of you liked being needed more than having a balanced friendship. I understand as I am a "lame duck collector " as my mum says. I make friends with needier people as I naturally am not comfortable being vulnerable so I gravitate to people who will need me to be the strong one so I can keep my walls up. I now see that and have changed a lot with real friends to be more open and with those who weren't really good friends and were just using me I have eased off from those "friendships".
Have a good long look at your patterns of relating OP. But I don't think you were wrong for what it's worth.
The minute you called her a child it was game over.
I get where you're coming from OP. It's not the cancelling that's the issue but the lack of basic manners.
1. "Sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it. Back troubles."
2. "Can't make it. Back troubles"
1 is courteous and acknowledges you.
2 is all about her.
And from your OP it sounds like she didn't even give an explanation. Like how very small children expect you to read their mind. I agree with you it's not a very mature way of communicating.
Thought the first time, it was a money problem? Couldn't she just have said she was in pain (both times?)
I think you a perfectly entitled to be upset with this person . Even if she was in chronic pain ...it doesn't take any effort to apologise for letting you down ..again ! What you have to ask yourself is do you want to continue this friendship ?
I don't think you were wrong to be upset about her cancelling without explanation or apology. I don't think you were unreasonable to let her know you were upset, although you did close the door somewhat by calling her a child. For whatever reason, she's not so bothered about your friendship. I don't think you caused that, I think she could have felt that already. (A good friend would always apologise for cancelling on you.)
Hard though it feels, I think you need to move on and take up with new friends. Don't blame yourself though, it sounds like she was already backing off a bit if she kept cancelling and didn't think you were worth an apology for doing so.
Thanks for the responses guys, it has really helped clear things up for me. I've learned that I should be more understanding of my friends conditions, but I am also entitled to be upset at someone for letting me down.
Most importantly I think it's cemented the fact that she didn't view our friendship as an important one. So I'm going to try and move on and make some new friends
Absolutely agree Mooneus, right decision.
I don't think you were wrong. If she'd have said she was having back pain then you would have been sympathetic, but the way she only used that as an excuse AFTER you had a go at her makes it sound like it was bs. She sounds hard work.
I think you need more sympathy. When you have chronic pain and you have a bad day it is understandable that the person; needs to look after themselves and prioritise their day so they have enough to do the basics. She isn't taking the piss. She is being sensible.
I know because I have an ongoing chronic issue and I don't need friends who have an attitude so her behaviour is not unacceptable
I think it's her, not you. The fact that somebody has back pain doesn't give them the right to be rude. She didn't tell you that she was cancelling because she was in pain, so how were you supposed to know? She only came up with that excuse when you challenged her on her flakiness which makes me think it was less than truthful and a story that she knows she can rely on in a pinch. Surely if it were genuine on this occasion she would just have said in the first place "sorry I can't meet up later, I have back pain today". Simple.
She totally overreacted and the flouncy "don't ever speak to me again" was pathetic. I'm not surprised you accused her of being childish.
To be honest OP she sounds like bloody hard work and I'd just move on from the friendship.
I think you are overreacting to two cancellations, overreacting and overthinking. Why the scorekeeping? You meet, you meet. You don't meet, you don't meet. Who cares who did the cancelling or why. The next two times may be you having to cancel.
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