Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU?

(11 Posts)
Mummyalready1 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:22:20

Needing some advice.
Sorry it's a long one- please read!!

We are a youngish couple with a 1 year old and engaged to be married next year.
However the past 3-6 months i haven't felt 100% like I want this wedding.
Our relationship isn't as fun and loving as it ever was. We both work too so always tired and busy which doesn't help, but our sex life is awful and I dread what it would be like when we are married! confused
He recently spoke to me about his low sex drive and doesn't know what to do or how to change it but the subject is so touchy I don't know what's best to do. It makes me feel so low then too because there doesn't feel like there's any love or emotion there at all!!
Mid wedding planning and I just can't help but think I'm doing the wrong thing but my heart is there??

Please help!!!

Stuffedshirt Sun 29-Jan-17 22:24:45

Listen to your instincts, if things don't feel right then they aren't.

MotherofA Sun 29-Jan-17 22:28:00

Postpone make out it's financial or too busy etc to friends family and nice your time . Plus maybe consider relate / other help for the sex issue etc ... its perfectly doable splitting but bloody hard work & complicated at times to say the least .... often think I should / could have tried harder with my DD dad but hey ho smile

Mummyalready1 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:30:04

Thanks, main issue is father in law to be is paying for the venue so one of the biggest costs which I think make this harder. 😩

BitchQueen90 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:36:10

Please don't get married if you don't feel it's 100% right. I did and it was the biggest mistake I ever made, the marriage only lasted 2 years.

Is there any way you can postpone? You really need to talk things through with your DP.

Mummyalready1 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:38:19

I've tried to talk about whether it's the right thing for us to do and he thinks everything is ok and it's not a big deal.
I think I need to be firm and try and get my point across.
He just thinks I'm having a moan though 😴

RedastheRose Sun 29-Jan-17 22:38:59

Your baby is still very young, you are both still young, you are both presumably working hard and no doubt you are under some (possibly a lot) of financial pressure. All of these or any of them can cause stress and anxiety which can affect libido. Why don't you have a frank conversation about postponing the wedding to take a financial pressure and stress of that off the table. Then make time each week for just the two of you, a date night is a really good idea. It doesn't have to be expensive but it will put the two of you as a couple to the forefront as opposed to tired parents. Get relatives to babysit or offer friends with young children a swap so you don't have to pay for a babysittter and go to the pictures or a few drinks or a meal even if it's just pizza. Worth giving you as a couple a chance.

Shnorbitz Sun 29-Jan-17 22:40:32

As the pp above, listen to your instincts. Can't say it enough. Life is too short, believe me. Regardless of the 'shizzle' that may happen in the short term, live YOUR life as you need to!!!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 30-Jan-17 12:46:27

Parenthood can put even a long term relationship on a different footing and sometimes it's tough to adjust.

How long were you a couple before the baby came along? Did you live together long before you were pregnant? (Sorry, 20 questions, trying to get a picture).

Was DP present at the birth, was he overwhelmed by seeing you in pain giving birth? He may have begun to feel anxious about hurting you unintentionally post-birth and the break in sexual intimacy may have been welcome. Then when you felt ready he was unable to get in the mood and he's got more anxious over time.
It's good he has broached the topic with you, he hasn't totally closed down.

Is he medically fit and well, any health worries, does he need a testosterone check? Suggest a trip to see his GP.

Even with the most willing partner it's possible to be genuinely tired a lot of the time with an infant in the home. Ordinarily I'd say you need to make more of an effort with each other, consciously making time to unwind and relax together. That means showing consideration, and giving each other your full attention at home no electronic distractions eg compulsively checking phones or tablets. Do the grandparents ever offer to have your LO for a few hours or overnight to give you both a break?

The wedding's planned for 2018. If you decided on the very morning you can't go through with it, that's your decision, no matter who pays for the venue, the food and drink etc.

I recommend counselling before this summer.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 30-Jan-17 12:50:15

PS he thinks everything is ok and it's not a big deal Meant to say, if you say to him very bluntly you are seriously reconsidering getting wed and fpr that matter, remaining in the relationship, surely he has to recognise it is a big deal.

user1479305498 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:58:10

no you are not being unreasonable. I am myself now at 55 just not that bothered and think maybe it was a bad idea to marry someone who was "very bothered" at the time I thought it was something I could live with but it just is not, it becomes the elephant in the room

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now