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Emotional Support In Relationships

(15 Posts)
DaisyGoesAgain Sat 21-Jan-17 17:54:16

Could you be in a relationship with someone who is terrible at offering emotional support?

My OH is a decent man, and I love him. He is really good with my DD and our sex life is good but when it comes to the emotional stuff, he either doesn't react or if he does respond, he responds inappropriately which makes him come across cold and inconsiderate and leaves me feeling really lonely.

Is there anyone here in a relationship/marriage like this? We have been together 3 years.

FlutteringCunts Sat 21-Jan-17 18:04:43

No advice but following with interest. I could have written your post op!

MochaChica Sat 21-Jan-17 18:24:28

Hi, my husband is the same. He can't offer any emotional support. There is one incident where I escaped a major accident but he looked undisturbed. When I mentioned it to him, he got furious with me. I feel very unloved and lonely. I have told him but he doesn't care. We went to therapist but my husband is very agreeable in the sessions but does not follow through. When I complain, he starts verbal attacks on me. I hope your husband is not insulting you. I think deep inside my husband cares but his ego is far bigger than anything. So if he feels wronged by me(even if my intentions are not so), he would not care a bit about me. We both feel unappreciated now. He fights with me, insults me but would never apologise or feel guilty. And if there is an occasion within days like birthday or Christmas, he would buy me lots of gifts. In such cases, I am not in a state of mind to show excitement or appreciation. This makes his very unappreciative, and proves his theory that he can never make me happy.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 21-Jan-17 18:26:29

If you feel he genuinely doesn't know how to give you the support maybe you could give him some suggestions? Actually spell it out to him. There is a difference between not knowing how to and not giving a fuck to.

DaisyGoesAgain Sat 21-Jan-17 18:31:47

We are told by society that "that's how men are they don't do feelings like us women" and I'm wondering if this is actually true or are there men out there, who just know what to say...

Mocha my OH is the same when it comes to emotionally charged situations and acting completely undisturbed, and then when I bring it up he gets completely on the offence.

ILove I have told him time and time again I need some comfort (not physical) when I'm talking about something emotional but he literally can't do it. He just stands there looking bewildered. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from it but boy does it make for a lonely life sometimes.

DaisyGoesAgain Sat 21-Jan-17 18:34:00

Mocha just to add, my OH doesn't verbally abuse me, he has never done that. But if your DH is doing that to you, then he is overstepped the line anyway!

FlutteringCunts Sat 21-Jan-17 22:17:51

My OH is not in the slightest verbally abusive. I think work commitments has withdrawn him a bit. I try my best to be supportive but sometimes it bothers me. We recently had a talk and agreed to change it. It's not an immediate process.

Hermonie2016 Sat 21-Jan-17 22:46:29

Daisy, the basis of a good relationship is communication and emotional reciprocity.

Could your partner have aspergers?

DaisyGoesAgain Sun 22-Jan-17 10:54:40

Hermonie, I went and looked up aspergers yesterday after reading your post. And I got him to do an online test and he scored 28 which suggests he has some aspergers traits. Mind blowing as I hadn't considered the possibility of that until now.

Hermonie2016 Sun 22-Jan-17 11:28:39

How he handles this going forward is whether the relationship will make you happy or not.I read a statistic that said marriages with AS partner have very, very high failure rates.

Look up "different together" a site which was created by a (mn) wife with a AS husband. Also Cassies thread on other place.

I suspect my stbxh has AS but we were further down the line before I recognised the signs and the resentment had started to build.When we had stressful times he just wasn't there for me.Stbxh also had an abusive childhood so didn't learn how to mimic any caring skills.

Early on I would have wrote your post but 10 plus years later our relationship is more akin to Mocha.AS impacts in many ways and any comment is taken as severe criticism so he reacts aggressively.

Each person with AS is different but certain traits are common. The lack of reading people, the self centred approach, black & white thinking. Stbxh and I did better whilst our lives were independent and I didn't rely on him.Also once you marry or live together family & friends all think you have support and withdraw.It leads to incredible sense of isolation.stbxh moved to a new job where being cool was essential and this seemed to cause him massive anxiety which he couldnt/wouldn't share so anger at home increased.

Plus side stbxh was reliable and sex was great.I just couldn't ever count on him to be a true partner.He would be a great as non live in partnership, someone to holiday with and share good times.He is not the person you can lean on during tough times no matter how much he loves you.

Stbxh at first acknowledged AS but later decided I had labelled him with a mental illness and rejected the idea.He started solo counselling for childhood issues which is a terrible idea if the counsellor has no knowledge of AS.His lack of insight makes him unable to see others perspectives but that is not obvious to a non AS professional.

Lila16 Sun 22-Jan-17 12:02:36

My partner has a total emotional void too. And his mum. She's lovely but definitely something missing. I just rely on my friends now, it gets too hard trying to get his help.

Lila16 Sun 22-Jan-17 12:04:11

Is he supportive in other ways? My boyfriend will do nice things for me if I'm sad (ice cream for example) I think that's his way of trying

keepingonrunning Sun 22-Jan-17 12:24:35

If you are not getting emotional support I would consider ending the relationship now because your resentment will grow and grow. You will forever be wondering whether he really loves you or whether it's just words. You need to know from his actions that he cares about you.

keepingonrunning Sun 22-Jan-17 12:34:16

Be wary of taking a partner on as a project. If they are not able to meet your (normal) needs for empathy, you have a lonely, arduous and unfulfilling path ahead of you.
If you don't already have children, it's a no-brainer.
A lack of empathy is not common to all men.

Marmalade85 Sun 22-Jan-17 12:43:24

I'm terrible at offering emotional support and it has caused problems.

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