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She doesn't know that I know what they did.

(107 Posts)
Phantommanflinger Tue 10-Jan-17 01:13:45

Have name changed.
Think I just need to talk about this if you don't mind?

8 years ago I caught DP out FB messaging a work colleague (now former) inappropriately, mainly sex talk about what myself and DP got up to and what her and her husband got up to in bed what kind of sex they each were in to, how often etc. (Weird I know)
It very nearly ended us (along with a few other transgressions) and it took a lot of trust rebuilding before I agreed to try again.
This woman lives quite close to us and I see her daily walking passed our house on the school run. I found that difficult but eventually got over it.
Fast forward to today, I attended my usual weekly evening class and who has joined? FB woman. I kept saying to myself it's 8 years ago, it's over etc. To talk myself down from the horrible feeling rising in my stomach, but then she actually comes over to me and strikes up a convo about my DP! How they used to work together, what's he up to now? Blah blah and all I can think is 'I know what you we're up to with him then, how can you have the brass neck to come over here and talk to me!' I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and made small talk then went and sat elsewhere.
I don't know how to feel about this, I don't want to give up my class but I feel so uncomfortable there now.
I told DP what happened and he just kept apologising and saying he wishes he'd never laid eyes on her and what an idiot he was.
Sorry for the rambling post, I just needed somewhere to get it off my chest. sad

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 10-Jan-17 01:17:29

I would have to have said, yeah I remember the messages you were sending him. I'd have had to let her know that I knew - I couldn't stand her still thinking that they still had some little secret.

But that is probably a very petty way of thinking! It sounds like you coped really well in a difficult situation OP flowers

Phantommanflinger Tue 10-Jan-17 01:18:00

Actually I've got that time frame wrong it's 6 years ago, not that it matters.

Phantommanflinger Tue 10-Jan-17 01:20:21

Thanks Olivia, that's what I thought after I left! That I should have just said 'you obviously think I don't know.' And watched her squirm but maybe that's vindictive? But then she didn't give two shits about mine or her poor husbands feelings back then did she?!

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 10-Jan-17 01:28:11

I don't think you owe her any kind of kindness at all, to be honest.

But I would say, don't let it ruin this evening class for you, if it's what you love doing. If I was in your shoes, I know there'd be a danger of stewing on the situation, and the class becoming all about her rather than whatever hobby it is you enjoy.

What bloody bad luck she's turned up! Is there another session you can attend instead? Don't let her take this from you, but at the same time don't put yourself through unnecessary stress or pain.

And in my opinion, your DP should be on his knees apologising again for the effect his actions are STILL having on your life, 6 years down the line.

Phantommanflinger Tue 10-Jan-17 01:32:20

He is, he's gutted she's turned up there and can't stop apologising now. I don't know what to say to him, it was all behind us but tonight it's just brought all the old upset feelings back. I don't think I feel angry about it anymore just really sad.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 10-Jan-17 01:36:18

Don't give up your class, why should you?

Try and freeze her out, but if it comes to it, just say it.... I know about the messages you and my DP exchanged,, please fuck the Fuck off now.... She'd probably leave the class.

What a nightmare OP,,I hope you get it resolved.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 10-Jan-17 01:38:16

Ah OP. I always like the quote 'the past is another country; they do things differently there'. I take it to mean that things can move on so much in such a short space of time, and when we look back at the past sometimes it's hard to understand how and why things happened as they did.

If your relationship is strong and happy now, don't let this bring you down. By all means remember how sad you were at the time, but things are different now.

dontpokethebear Tue 10-Jan-17 01:38:22

I would have said a very cold "yes, I know who you are".

Sorry OP, what a crappy situation to be in.

Joysmum Tue 10-Jan-17 01:43:23

I think you've done the right thing to let it pass that first time.

However, if she seeks you out again and tries to get more info, I'd say something then.

PerspicaciaTick Tue 10-Jan-17 01:43:54

Perhaps she has forgotten or it wasn't very significant to her. Perhaps she has a lot of sex chats with random others? Whatever - don't let her eat up an ounce of your time or energy. What matters is that your DH and you have worked hard to get to where you are and she is history.

Phantommanflinger Tue 10-Jan-17 01:47:30

Thanks so much all of you, you're all making so much sense. My mind and stomach have been churning all night but talking about it is helping me settle down a lot.

CakesRUs Tue 10-Jan-17 01:50:17

Yes I'd have to say too. It's drive me nuts otherwise. But you have time to think of what, if anything, you say to her next time.

Brightredpencil Tue 10-Jan-17 02:16:01

In your shoes I would definitely make a pointed remark to show you know and are unimpressed. She should find a class elsewhere.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Tue 10-Jan-17 02:19:28


I'd look her in the eye and say, very quietly, 'Why the hell are you talking to me. I know (hold her gaze until she looks away)'. Then pretty much anything she says can be replied to with 'Just fuck off'.

Brass fucking neck on her.

Iris65 Tue 10-Jan-17 07:29:04

I agree with the other posters.
Sorry you're going through this.

tiej Tue 10-Jan-17 07:42:01

I would say, "Is there any chance you could join another class? It's not nice for me having to see your face, I'm sure you understand".

Huskylover1 Tue 10-Jan-17 08:21:20

Maybe it's me, but I couldn't forgive and forget this, whether it had been 6 or 16 years ago. It's a horrid thing to have happened and you are not gong to ever be "ok" with it. If I bumped into my "best friend" who slept with my first Husband 9 years ago, I would still feel the raw rage and emotion that I felt at the time. This is despite me being blissfully happy with my second husband. Sorry, that doesn't address how to deal with this. But please don't feel bad for still hating what happened.

GinIsIn Tue 10-Jan-17 08:31:16

"What's DP up to?" I'd have looked her dead in the eye and said 'oh, did you mean sexually, or socially? I don't think either of those are any of your business.' Why the hell did she even approach you?!

Blu Tue 10-Jan-17 08:37:31

If you do let her know you know don't for one second give the impression that it matters one jot to you. Let the suffering be all hers.

If she chats again next week laugh and say 'I've remembered now: you're that Facebook woman, bloody hell, how embarrassing for you!"

shovetheholly Tue 10-Jan-17 08:52:17

I would do what blu says - just make it clear that you know and let her deal with the embarrassment. My guess is that she'll leave the class and leave you in possession of the field smile

SparklyMagpie Tue 10-Jan-17 08:53:56

I agree with the replies some posters are giving in response to her.

Please don't give up your evening classes, unless it really does start taking its toll on you

I'd definitely have to mention something if she's there next week, and you never know, you may never see her there again. I know if I was her I couldn't go to a class knowing you was there, I wouldn't have the balls to show up to the next one

flowers I know what it's like to have it all come flooding back! Xx

cheeseandpineapple Tue 10-Jan-17 08:54:16

Oh what a bummer OP. Not what you need.

Would you feel up to messaging her (you can do that via FB without being "friends") something along the lines -

I'm writing to you as it wasn't an appropriate setting for me to let you know at the evening class that I'm aware of the messages you exchanged with my DP in the past. In the circumstances, I think it would be best if we keep our distance in class. I also fully understand if you might want to rethink attending this particular class if it makes you uncomfortable.

What do you think?

Backt0Black Tue 10-Jan-17 08:54:57

I'd have shot back ... 'ahhh yes, yes you DID know DP. Are you messaging someone else's DP now then?'

Don't leave your class, but do shame her into doing so.

cheeseandpineapple Tue 10-Jan-17 08:55:09

Oh that was meant to come out in italics!

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