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Heroin addict brother at our wits end

(25 Posts)
MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:53:56

Hello I wrote on a previous thread about my brother who has been on this horrible drug for two years.

He has now rocked up at my mothers house he's been there 5 days my poor mother is upset because she can't sit in her living room because he's sleeping on the sofa.
So she has gone to so sit in her bedroom this morning eating her breakfast bless her!

He is going through her cupboards like someone that has never eaten before.
Cups of teas biscuits huge bowls of cereal leftover dinners making milkshakes my mum has been buying milk everyday!!

I don't know what to tell my mum because she feels like she can't throw him out he has nowhere to live. But obviously she can't afford it he also left the heating on from 2:00 until 9 this morning when my mother woke up to turn it off.

He moans that we don't help him (boohoo) we've tried drug recoveries centre. Even sent him down to cornwall to a family friend and he ended up shoplifting and being arrested and being sent back down here.

What do we do now? My mother is in her 60s she should be relaxing and enjoying her life but has a huge burden on her.

TheBouquets Sat 26-Nov-16 15:37:53

Perhaps you could send a male relative to go to your Mum's house and speak to the brother about his conduct. I know addicts don't care about anything other than their own needs but just maybe something would get through. Otherwise the only thing to do is throw him out and change the locks at mum's house and let him face the full horror of being addicted to drugs (or anything else)

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 15:55:06

Have asked my dad to come round this will no doubt turn into an argument but we don't know what else to do. He is really selfish he's had the heating on again full blast and sleeping in his clothes for the past four hours. He's been shoplifting again as well we're both just really fed up now and if it comes to it we will have to throw him out sad

SmallTownTwirl Sat 26-Nov-16 16:24:45

No experience of this in my family but just wanted to say, how horrible for you, how draining and sad brew

Do your mum and dad disagree on whether or not to show tough love or not. If your dad is not in favour of tough love (self-protection) then maybe he could house your brother but it would be very unfair of him to judge your mum for asking their son to leave if he himself could not cope either.

Underthemoonlight Sat 26-Nov-16 16:30:04

Sorry your going through this my DB was the same, he would punch holes in the walls, even punched me in the face, would steal etc it actually took my DM to have a heart attack and he went to a rehab in Spain. It has helped him and he's been clean for 10plus years. The Catholic Church were the ones who helped arranged this rehab centre. Throwing him out is easier said than done it is her son and no doubt he is extremely vulnerable. I would suggest trying to find a rehab centre why they are professionally trained to deal with his drug addictions and those demons attached to it.

SmallTownTwirl Sat 26-Nov-16 16:33:34

Please excuse my ignorance, I don't want to upset you by being so ignorant on the subject but can an addict walk in to a gp and get prescribed methadone or do you have to go on a waiting list to be part of a programme

YoungPretenderMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 16:38:31

It's really tough, OP. Methadone might be a starting place.

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 17:01:39

My mum and dad are both huge softies and have both attempted tough love but it never goes anywhere. He went to live with my dad but because there are no drug dealers or that type of people near my dads he thinks it's boring. He likes to stay at either me or my mums because he can just walk out of the area across to town and back into a rough area where he can score.

I've been left with him this afternoon/evening while my mum has gone into town she wanted me to keep an eye on him in case he steals anything. Its been horrendous coughing up Phlegm, sweating saying he needs to score begging me for money.
I'm 41 weeks pregnant and don't want to be around this crap! Seems like he doesn't want to come of the drugs either I think he quite enjoys it to be honest.

I'm waiting for him to go out and will call frank helpline but what is the use trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

roundandroundthehouses Sat 26-Nov-16 17:07:41

Christ, I feel so sorry for your Mum and it must be unbearably hard for her... but... she left her 41 weeks pregnant dd to 'keep an eye' on a heroin addict? I'm sorry, love. I know you're doing it for your Mum but you shouldn't be there. You shouldn't have been given that responsibility.

mummy6tummy Sat 26-Nov-16 17:14:59

Has he tried Iboga/ibogaine therapy? Supposedly more successful than the traditional therapies?

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 17:16:19

Well I can't expect my mother to stay in all the time she's already depressed as it is and I know I shouldn't be here but this is our life at the moment unfortunately so it has to be done.

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 17:21:18

I have never heard of that before but I will do some googling. I have just spoke to frank helpline and they have said he has to be able to want it badly for himself otherwise there is no point he often says to my mother "il get clean but il do it for you mum" then he goes and scores again right away. So this makes me think he can't want it that badly right?
My plan was to move in with my mum for a few weeks when the baby is here so I could get some help but this is looking like it won't happen now as he is staying here and I won't have my son around this mess.

YoungPretenderMortificado Sat 26-Nov-16 17:26:18

Has he at least tried methadone?

mummy6tummy Sat 26-Nov-16 17:33:56

(Ibogaine therapy).

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 17:55:00

He has never got as far as the Methadone as you have to attend several appointments for a few weeks and he never sticks it out. My dad has tried picking him up to take him to every appointment but he disappears for weeks on end. Thanks mummy6 will have a look now

smilingmind Sat 26-Nov-16 18:08:16

I have experience of this and it took years for my family to realise that you can only help people who want to be helped. Some never will.
Perhaps a course at an addiction centre for family may help for you to see the situation clearly. I believe Al Anon meetings are not just for families of alcohol addicted people.
It is so hard but really you are enabling him by supporting him. Maybe he will realise when he reaches rock bottom that he needs help.
In our case we had to ask the person to leave. 10 years later they are still using but they survived and with the help of a support worker, arranged by the police who were very helpful and sympathetic when they broke the law, have somewhere to live and claim benefits.
This is a horrible situation OP and I really feel for you.

TheBouquets Sat 26-Nov-16 19:43:35

Heavens, I know you have agreed to stay with DB so that your DM could have a few hours out and away from al the stress and worry. I really do not think a 41 week pregnant woman should have been left with a drug addict. There are so many NO reasons to this. You could have gone into labour suddenly and fast, what use would DB have been in those circumstances. You need someone who is more than able in case of your birth starting.
I definitely do not think you could consider staying with DM just after the birth of the baby if DB is there. You could not have the midwife or HV seeing a baby in those conditions. It also means that DM wont be wanting to come and stay with you after baby is born.
I don't know what theanswer to all this is but it just confirms that the drugs situation in this country is so far out of hand. After birth you will have enough to do to take care of yourself and baby you wont be able to help DM like this. Something has to change and clearly it is the drug taker. He wont change so he has to be removed from the situation. Harsh but probably best.

TheRollingCrone Sat 26-Nov-16 19:56:41

You all need to let him hit his own personal rock bottom
Resign yourselves quickly that he will stop taking heroin or heroin will stop him
Never stop telling him that he is loved, he is worth loving, you want him to stop self medicating his pain/boredom
He has to take responsibility for his own recovery
He can't be around you all while he's using, keep that boundary, you will feed him if he's starving then he goes

I'm sorry you are going through this- he has to want his life.

I've been in the same position with my own db

Our family enabling him prolonged his recovery.
I wish someone had told me the above

Pl feel free to PM me if I can help

flowers huge congratulations on your baby

MissUnderstood91 Sat 26-Nov-16 20:22:23

I completely forgot about health visitors coming round I will defiantly not be staying there unless my mother throws him out. He's very unhygienic as well does everything to avoid having a shower constantly talking to himself about how he is going to "graft" so he can score. It's really sad to watch because it's like a completely different person.

Think it's time we started toughening up with him because he is just taking the P now. I will just worry now about where he is sleeping and living it's really a tough one!
Thank you therollingcrone x

lljkk Sat 26-Nov-16 21:56:11

My brothers are/were crystal meth & crack cocaine addicts. Brother 2 had spells of sobriety before finally got clean ~ 14 yrs ago.

@MissUnderstood: you are allowed to be selfish & to put your own family & indeed your own sanity first.

Your mom: She doesn't have any good choices. No matter what happens, there is going to be heartache & stress. This is not your responsibility if she makes choices that are too stressful for you to deal with. My mother couldn't bring herself to chuck my brothers out until they physically threatened her. Brother 1 never got clean. Brother 2 only got clean because he stole stuff from my mom (for his habit) & she pressed charges to send him away; in prison he got on a programme that finally clicked for him.

CiaoVerona Sun 27-Nov-16 01:12:01

Well, there is hope it may not feel like it right now dealing with anyone in active addiction in particular opiate addiction is very difficult.

The options, he could get detoxed and do a 30 day rehab most are based off 12 step the goal is abstinence with the addict attending 12 step for ever.

Methadone detox, usually take methadone for 3/4 weeks once the addict is stable its tapered down to zero till they are drug free. The problem is, usually young addicts need some type of help to obtain the skills to live drug free. Maybe Detox followed by some type of therapy to help the addict deal with his problems.

Subutex, same as above though its less difficult to taper down.

Methadone or subutex long term treatment usually called maintenance.

Lets look at how addicts deal with the various interventions.

The majority of those who attend rehabs and 12 step fail at least once if not multiple times the risks are when they detox they use at the same dose as before OD and die. Success rate of abstinence based treatments is can be as low as 5% at meetings and as high as 40% at rehab.

Detox, regardless of the method can be dangerous, again due to the fact they have a lower opiate tolerance if the use they can OD and die, hence the thought behind maintenance. Long term opiate substitute therapy ( Methadone and Subutex) if dosed correctly( Both block the desire to use opiates) both are opiate derivatives and are addictive themselves both give active addicts time away from using heroin allowing them time to get their lives together. Id say a Max 3/6 Month maintenance would work.

For any treatment to work the addict has to commit to some type of treatment intervention.

There is a school of thought( Id don't believe in) that family members should show tough love if the addict does not get clean when the family demands you cut the addict out.

That said, addicts in active heroin addiction tend to be extremely selfish people, at some point if they fail to stop its wise as a family to limit what you'll do for your family member.

Ginkypig Sun 27-Nov-16 01:50:56

My sister was (somtimes is if she has a blip) a heroin addict.
She was very young so we were the same. She only got clean (the first time) after a stay in hospital because she nearly died and lost both arms. Luckily she survived and kept her arms!
Her life is still very chaotic to say the least but I don't think its the police asking me to identify Her body when the phone rings now.

You must stop enableling him. He can choose any life he wants because he has a net to catch him and allow him to live dangerously.

He won't change until he has no other option (in my opinion) I know that sounds harsh and it kills you/me to watch but Ime it's true.

It's taken me hundreds of pounds, countless nights staying with me, as many with her at hospital or police stations or out searching the streets for her. Many phone calls to her pimps or crazy clients to scare them off (so they would know she had somone who would notice a battering or a kidnapping or rape) when she was "working" as a prostitute for me to to learn that nothing I say or do can change anything. My only option was to step back and hope she survived without my "net" luckily for me so far she has (but might not forever)

Ginkypig Sun 27-Nov-16 01:57:26

I'm not saying I stepped out her life.

My rules are clear no borrowing money ever, no staying at my house, no going to hospital (for reasons she has caused) police to bail her out etc.

I love her and Il see her but mostly she doesn't want anything to do with me unless she can "get" somthing from me. I serve no purpose to her so she doesn't have time to fit me in. I see her at family stuff and Christmas etc. I love her so so much.

stripeylion3 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:13:11

Research naltrexone implants and see if you can get them free somewhere in your area. Very effective at inhibiting cravings for opioids and allows the person to deal with all the shiz that goes with recovery, sans the anxiety associated with hanging out.
Email Dr George O'neil at and see if they can refer you to someone in the UK.
It will be time wasted if your brother is not keen or only agrees under duress.
Methadone and subutex really just stop them from feeling sick so they can get on with scoring in earnest.
It is a dodgy situation for you being pregnant, heroin junkies don't care about anyone or anything else while they're in the grip.
Best wishes to you and your son.

UnbornMortificado Sun 27-Nov-16 04:26:45

I think I posted on your last thread miss. You really shouldn't have to deal with it at 41 weeks pregnant although neither should your mam or anyone for that matter.

Sadly I agree with the pp who mentioned him having to hit rock bottom. I'm sorry this is happening to your family flowers

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