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Partner cheating?(34 Posts)
I have two Young kids with my partner. Before we had children we were only together about a year, and it came close to finishing when he went out to a work do, and had a female colleague who I knew he fancied a bit stay over night in his room. He told me cos I used to work at his workplace and he said it was innocent and didn't want me to hear about it via gossip etc. At the time I didn't really, truly believe it was wholly innocent, inconsistencies in what he said etc, but he's maintained it was, and I thought ok, give him a second chance. Ten months ish in to our relationship, we moved in together, and I got a new job with shifts. He was p*ssed about it, feeling left out, and he told me one night he was thinking of sleeping with other women. Red light. I stalked his email/texts etc, and he had indeed been flirting about, but nothing concrete. I felt bad for stalking, fessed up and he was like, angry at me for invading privacy and I felt bad about it. Found he'd been skyping one person, because I wanted to Skype my friend and logged on as him. I didn't check chat history cos was not au fait with the tech, and then I asked him about it and he got uncomfortable. Next time I logged on he had deleted their chat history.
So more of the similar over the years, I stalked maybe 3 or 4 more times, and felt very bad about it! Always found flirty stuff and membership to swinger sites. I always had this niggling instinct I couldnt trust him in this respect. One day I asked him if he still sees colleague who he shared the hotel room with.... His reaction was a flash second of bemusement and slight panic, as he said 'yes....what made you think about her.'
Ever since he responded like that I knew instinctively sthg was up. So on three occasions since over the past 2 yrs I've checked up on him via texts/emails and managed to check his work chat. Found out the following:
- He had arranged to go out for her birthday drinks and told me he was actually going out for someone else's leaving do. His texts in the morning were to this woman he shared hotel room with. She actually had t gone to her birthday drinks and he was texting her to ask where she was and ensuing flirting occurred
- one night he didn't come home, then arrived home in the morning saying he'd missed the last train home back from London and had slept in London on streets
- found on his work chat function hotel room woman was his favourite contact and there was plenty of seriously flirty chat
- in initial discovery of work chat (described just now) I didn't read it all properly cos my heart was pounding etc. I have since logged on and read it properly......
Here are the details: lots of flirting, and it shows they have been meeting up for professional meetings, and he took her out to the pub for lunch and paid for it and he most certainly didn't tell me about this. I worked out it happened 5 days before my birthday last year and I remember my last birthday with him was totally awful. He bought me an obviously last minute birthday prez, a book. Which he obs swiped after picking up a book he'd ordered in for his work colleague, which he told me about, hotel room woman maybe? And he was so disinterested in me and a selfish *rse, resentful it was my birthday and we had fights. But 5 days before he has been taking this b*tch out for lunch? Wtf
I now have no trust in him and pretty much have arrived at decision to break up with him in the most constructive and low impact to our kids kinda way. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I checked his phone, he has just signed up to an adult swinging site, stating he is looking for women and couples. I worked out from his date of signing up he did this on a day when I was taking our eldest to a party. Did he do this whilst looking after the younger one?! Eurghh.
I understand some couples are more relaxed about flirting and Internet porn etc, (who exactly are they though?! Lol) but I am quite a normal person who until now felt passionately in love with her man, only wanted to do him, and I don't do any flirting beyond the very normal spontaneous stuff such as smiling at a handsome chap In a shop or similar....
I would greatly appreciate people's opinions on this, especially those who have uncovered cheating before? I think I'm on the right track.... Do you think so?
PS I forgot to say I also found out that he quickly deleted this woman's texts after the night out he had been trying to meet her for birthday drinks.
Also he is always cautious and protective with phone and tech and I know he deletes msgs etc left right and centre
He's done a right number on you over the years that you even need to ask. Wtf have you put up with this
I don't even know what else to say to you. It's glaringly obvious that he is doing everything he can to cheat on you, if he hasn't already but I'd put money on the fact he has.
don't question it anymore and drive yourself mad. get your house in order and end this mess and get rid of him .let her have him..More fool her!
I'm sorry your going through this x
Thanks Joysmum! It's kind of a relief that you have said that. I've confided in a few close friends and they are all like, oh well, just try to be calm, maybe it's just a little flirt etc, and they are all wanting to think the best of him I guess. He is very sweet and charming on his good side, so I guess when people don't know him like I do, they wouldn't want to think of him as a sleazebag.....
I know he's done a number. He's mugged me right off.
I'm going to print out the most incriminating chat conversation, and present it to him tonight and tell him it's over.
So just to be sure, I'm not......overreacting?? I don't want to break my kids hearts over this sh*t unnecessarily.
I'm in one of those cant see the woods for the trees type thing.
It's really refreshing to get this response. I've honestly only had people trying to get me to calm down about all this....
I always had this niggling instinct I couldnt trust him in this respect.
That's because he's been cheating for years and you've had evidence but wanted to believe everything was ok. Normal, but not helpful long term.
You are on the right track now. Plan and depart. Never regret the loss of him, he's a loathsome toad. Good luck.
I don't think you're over reacting either. On the other woman, it could actually be innocent and just flirty, but signing up to swinging websites is something else.
I also think the fact he told uou he was thinking of sleeping with other women as uou worked shifts is quite shocking and well out of line.
Honestly, I'd bin him he sounds like a total dirt bag.
Thanks all you lovely people for posting on my thread. Xxx
I wish I had posted on mumsnet years ago and then maybe I could have got a more balanced perspective.
In my defence of having been a total mug, well, I've been raising these two kids you see, one is 22 months old and the other is nearly 4 years old. So I've kinda been busy with giving birth, breastfeeding, having no sleep, you no the score, so it hasnt made for the perfect chance to be my normal 'I'm not taking your sh*t mate' self....
I've never experienced this before, that I know of. So to all you people out there who have been through this/are going through this, my heart goes out to you.
Now I'm just going to go and sort my kids out and then quietly take myself off to the bathroom to vomit.
Btw, when I first found out I was pregnant with our first child, I actually messaged this hotel room woman, very politely asking her if anything had indeed happened in the hotel room..... She said 'I know how it could look but nothing happened' .
Now in that instance, if I was her I would have stood right the f*ck back away from this guy, and thought ok, I won't have contact with him any more. But no......
Equally if I was the said toad (my 'partner') who made the drunken error of sharing a hotel room with woman I would have crawled on the floor, begged forgiveness and deleted all social media links with hotel room woman. But no......
Bloody hell what you are going through is massively similar to what I went through.
He isn't worth any more of your headspace. Just the Swingers but is enough.
I ended my marriage, we had a reasonably amicable break up (I just did what I had to do to get rid so we went to mediation, I went house hunting with him, did his packing, organised removals etc). It doesn't have to be hideous - the end result is the same.
Doesn't stop him being any less of a knob though.
He won't change. If he's anything like my XP you lost your appeal when you turned your attention away (to your babies). Mother/whore bollocks. XP thinks he's 'a player' (he really isn't) but needs the thrill to make himself feel better about his miserable existence. He thinks he is a good dad, but has never emotionally engaged with his kids and sees them as an extension if his ego.
Honestly, you have nothing to lose by ditching him and everything to gain. Years and years of misery, self-doubt ahead of you of you don't. Do it while you are still strong and he hasn't battered you down to a shadow of yourself.
Lol ohforfoxsake!! Thank you for telling me your experience. And in such a satisfyingly to the point way.
I hear you on the ego thing! And the mother/whore bollocks. On the time previously where I confronted him about flirty chat, he made a nice violin tune about it being about his insecurities. Oh poor thing. It must be horrible for him right?
Right, if you have done it in a calm level headed way, then I can too. Thanks so much, you have made my day. As much as my day can be made right now xxx
This has been going on for years! I'm astonished at his lack of respect for you, the mother of his children. How dare he think this behaviour is acceptable! I'd be tempted to give away his prized possessions, cut off one trouser leg and one shirt sleeve from every item of his clothing, put prawns in his shoes, shove them in a bin bag and send him packing. You are NOT overreacting!
Pinky - I think XH has very Narcissitic tendencies and possibly something called Borderline Personality Disorder. Might be worth you looking at too. It really helped me realise that it was him, not me, and I wasn't the shell of a person he had turned me into.
Don't get me wrong, I suffered a lot of emotional abuse and it's hit me two years on. I've started seeing a therapist.
These men destroy us. Get out while you can. I know that if I didn't end the marriage when I did, while I still had the smallest glimmer of my true self, I would disappear entirely.
It's also a really, really shit way to teacher your DCs about relationships. Get out before they start to think that's how relationships are meant to work.
Thank you Tallwivglasses!! I'm going to the shop now to buy some prawns! Lol!!! Thanks for making me laugh xx
Ohforfoxsake you poor thing, man, what the f is it with the effing men?? I totally hear you on everything. I also suspect he has borderline personality disorder, there are so many other little signs. He has also punched the door in once when I was in bedroom with newborn and daughter, and he pushed me the other day. Whilst I don't think this will escalate, I think it demonstrates a person who has serious issues and isn't going to change.
I hope your therapy works out for you! Keep at it, even when it gets uncomfortable. Actually when therapy is uncomfortable that can be when it is really working. Message me any time. Hugs xx
Thanks, that's kind of you There's a thread in relationships about parenting with narcs/difficult X's. We're on our third - might be helpful to you
Thanks. I'll most certainly be having a good look at that thread!
Hi Pinky - you do know you don't need anyone's permission to end this, don't you? You can choose to do it calmly or otherwise. He sounds like a self-centred knob.
And now I've read he punched a door while you were with your baby and your child...and that he's pushed you...I wouldn't even bother hesitating. Your life can be better than this, you and DCs together, safe and calm. I wish you all the best, and strength to do what you need to do.
Thanks so much FantasticButtocks! I think Ive just had a bit of a life where Ive been too giving at times and too naive when any other savvy, more centred person would be like 'hang on a mo, that is not on.'
Thanks for your support. It means a lot! Xx
Defo not over reacting... sounds like you have been under reacting for years when he has been a complete prick... you'll be well shot of him, hugs lovely xxx
Please leave this horrible human. You don't deserve that.
Well The confrontation is scheduled for this evening. Wish me good luck! Xx
Good luck pinkyponk36 you sound really lovely and don't deserve this arsehole's behaviour!
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