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Husbands affair

(104 Posts)
Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 14:51:31

About 3 and a half years ago I found my husband was texting a woman he had met on an online game. They were saying they loved each other in some of the texts. I confronted him and he said it just got out of hand that it didn't mean anything. I tried to call the woman but she never answered. About a week later just before xmas she text me with a screenshot of my hisband saying he wish they were at the hotel sleeping together again. He promised it was only one time, they live opposite ends of the country. A few weeks after he said he would stop contact Ifound out he had called her, he said it was to close things. I was devastated why would he talk to her again after she grassed him u to me! Does he love her that much?! Now three years on he is in contact again I haven't confronted him yet but I don't know what to do. We have been married over 20 years so has she! I know from what I saw she wants to be with him but neither wants to move to where the other lives because of the kids. He told me he didn't love her before that he was foolish made a mistake and regretted it he sobbed ad begged to stay. I don't know if its been going on all the time or just started up again. I don't want to lose him but scared he wont give her up its like he is addicted to her!

Tootsiepops Thu 13-Oct-16 14:54:03

Why don't you want to lose him? He sounds like a total dickhead.

BombayBonsai Thu 13-Oct-16 14:55:35

I'm sorry flowers

I'm afraid that he's repeating behaviour and since you've forgiven before I fear that if you do again he will continue as he sees that you will just forgive and forget.

SandyY2K Thu 13-Oct-16 14:55:37

I'd tell him to leave. He won't stop.

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 14:56:20

I know but we've been together so long and he has been a good husband and dad until this. My friend said he must be having a midlife crisis but is that just an term used to excuse such disgusting behaviour!

Chewingthecrud Thu 13-Oct-16 15:00:20

Bluebird don't set yourself such a low standard

He has cheated. Denied. Been caught out. Cheated again.

Is this really the man you want to be with? The life you want?

Tell him to leave.

SheldonsSpot Thu 13-Oct-16 15:01:49

He's too weak to make a decision one way or another.

I'm sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear but I think he probably does love this woman... just not enough to disrupt his cushy life at the moment.

If you kick him out he'll go running to her, if you let him stay he'll continue to be in contact with her until either she's had enough and calls it a day, or you do.

The only thing you can salvage here is your own self esteem and dignity by taking control and making the decision for him.

Your relationship is dead in the water either way.

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:06:21

Thank you I have never been with anyone except him sexually and him the same until her thats why I think he is so obsessed. The kids found out before too and were so upset I dont know how we will cope without him. I think you are right about him scared to leave because financially it would be hard and she lives too far away for them to have a life together without such a drastic move for them both. We tried counselling before clearly it didn't work

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:09:07

Get him out OP and salvage your self esteem, you should have kicked his cheating arse out when you discovered it 3 years ago, and I doubt it ever ended.

Please do it, he clearly does not want to be married or has the ability to give you a fair and equal partnership, you'd be better off without him, he is bringing you nothing but misery, he sounds a complete arsehole who is not your friend at all.

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:13:46

I feel sick having to confront him over this again. He will try to talk his way out of it. I just don't know him anymore. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about them together him sharing things about our life with her. Talking about our kids abd everything.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 13-Oct-16 15:17:06

He took up with someone else, you found out, he said he would stop, he did it again, you found out, he said he would stop, you found out, he said he would stop, he did it again, you found out, he said he would stop, you found out, he said he would stop, he did it again, you found out, he said he would stop, you found out, he said he would stop, he did it again, you found out, he said he would stop...

Is that the right number of loops you have been through or did I misread?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 13-Oct-16 15:18:25

You don't have to confront him now. You know there is no point. All you have to do is see a solicitor, get your ducks in a row, then serve papers for adultery.

Simonneilsbeard Thu 13-Oct-16 15:21:14

You sound like you're torturing yourself right now op and I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree wholeheartedly with pp you need to be rid of this man and for your own sake stop excusing his appalling behaviour..he has not been a good husband, not even by a long shot. He's been repeatedly unfaithful and deceitful..get him gone!

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:27:37

I know it is true what you are all saying. After over 20 years together I can't believe this has happened but I do deserve better I can not keep forgiving him I can not trust him again. I will go see a solicitor see what my options are then pack his bags and tell him to go. I don't know why I am worried where he will go.

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:31:39

Sorry OP, we are being brutally honest, it must hurt a lot, you sound lovely and he just sounds like a selfish entitled lovesick teenager, so what if you have only had sex with each other, that doesn't give him the right to go and cheat on you, in fact he should have been proud of that and cherished it and you, he never, he continues to lie to you and swoon over a woman who is also attached fgs.

Show him you value yourself more than the crumbs he can offer you, you do not need him!

It might give him the shock he needs to wake up but for your sake do it, you know you don't deserve this shit life he's giving you.

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:33:14

He stays with you because he doesn't want to give up his cushy life, you have made it far to easy for him, see today as a new day where you come first, not him, mad on your behalf OP!!

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:34:05

And if you left him and her husband left her, their dirty little game would not have such a thrill anymore, believe me.

MagicChanges Thu 13-Oct-16 15:34:58

Oh bluebird so very sorry. I'm in a similar position - found out 3 months ago that DP had been having an emotional affair with another woman. I had suspected but he "closed me down" every time, even ridiculing me, saying I had a "jealous mind" - it went on for the best part of 3 years and seems it was mostly e mails and phone calls, but for the last year on a daily basis. They did meet up sometimes as they belong to the same club.

I have been in turmoil and get SO angry - I know he's remorseful but I'll never trust him again. We'r having awful rows - we've been together over 45 years! Neither of us can cope with the thought of separating but I have a horrible feeling that will have to happen.

Anyway how do you know he's in contact again - are you sure? What an absolute cow to send you that screen shot. It does sound like some sort of fantasy they're both in, consisting mainly of texts, but he has slept with her of course and you don't know how often. Living at opposite ends of the country is not a problem - where there's a will, there's a way. They could meet halfway.

You talk about whether he loves her - I think love is a much misused word, it's an emotion like any other and sometimes we feel it and other times we don't. I don't really know what to say - but you need to let him know that you have found out - you mention addiction and i know my DP became obsessed (on his own admission) with this woman. We're trying hard to move on but it's not easy. Can you take yourself off to stay with a trusted relative/friend to put some space between you and give you some thinking time. And try to look after yourself, you won't have an appetite, but try to eat a little but of nourishing food, not too much alcohol etc.

Oh god I've just read your last post and I am exactly the same - I torture myself about what they were talking about - I'm haunted by it - but to be honest I don't think men DO talk about the wives/partners/kids to the OW - my DP admits this - saying I was "airbrushed" out - but you'll still wonder I know. I know everyone is telling you to LTB and they're probably right but I sense you don't want to.................but you need some physical space between you and it would underline to him that he has something to worry about, because you will have taken a step you've never done before. When I first found out I went and stayed in a Travel Lodge because I couldn't bear to tell anyone and refused to answer his calls/texts and he was frantic thinking I'd left him. And that might well happen - I just don't know.

Take care x

statetrooperstacey Thu 13-Oct-16 15:35:59

Sweetheart he never stopped seeing and talking to her did he? You know he didn't. Your husband has been having an affair for (at least) 3and a half years. Don't bother confronting him or her, just make your plans to end your marriage. I'm so very very sorry. X

Vagabond Thu 13-Oct-16 15:40:21

I reckon if he had the chance to go off with her, he would run like a mile.

Tell him to go and give it a shot.

He'll come running back faster than you think.

My advice is to give him this freedom to give it a go. That's surely scare the shit out of him. Of course, you don't have to take him back. But the fact is, he's going to contact her in secret so you may as well get it out in the open and put your cards on the table.

You can come back from this. You don't need to end your marriage over this. So what if therapy didn't work. Maybe a good dose of reality will.

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:42:25

I am sorry for you too MagicChanges after 45 years thats even worse! When I first found out I told him to leave but I let him stay. I thought that was enough then that he was so scared he would lose me and the kids he would end it. I could go and stay away at the weekend send the kids to ky mums but not tell him where I am. But I think a shock to him still won'5 stop it. He tried to blame me before as I ran up some debts in the past which he says hurt him so much.

Bluebird6 Thu 13-Oct-16 15:49:54

I found out this time because she sent some messages that went through to his ipad. She speaks to him like he is the love of her life and he replied she is the shining star in his humdrum life sad

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Oct-16 15:50:08

Don't confront him then.
Just pack him a bag and leave it outside.
Tell him to collect it and give you some space.
You need some time to really think things through now.
Don't make any rash on knee-jerk decisions right now.
Tell him to give you a week of no contact, only regarding access to kids.
Get some head-space.
Is there someone you can confide in who won't judge you if you stay with him?
You'll need someone to lean on right now.
Another shock for you so please do keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
After a week of his respecting your boundaries (yeah right!!) you can maybe get together to talk things through.
If he doesn't understand loss and what life would be like without you, this will never improve.
Good luck OP.
Space for you for now!

Cabrinha Thu 13-Oct-16 15:54:20

You poor thing sad
He's not addicted to her - nothing so grand. Just a scummy cheat.
I think it's far more likely it never stopped, don't you?
I'm glad you're going to see a solicitor.
He got away with it before, it's up to you now whether you let him get away with it again.

NotWeavingButDarning Thu 13-Oct-16 15:54:53

Hmm...sorry, but basically you have either to decide that you are going to stay with him and accept that he cheats and find peace with yourself that that's ok with you (I know couples who do this and are resigned to it)...

...or you have to LTB.

Expecting him to change is a ride to nowhere.

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