Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Will I ever get over exdh leaving me for OW?

(149 Posts)
Spectacular2 Mon 10-Oct-16 13:52:56

This is my first post but I have been watching these forums and can see that there are a lot of ladies possibly in the same boat as me.

I have been divorced from exdh for nearly 6 years now and I still can’t get over that he left me for OW.

We were together for 13 years and married for 3 and he truly was the best husband in the world, I idolised him. I thought I had it all, he was kind, funny, clever and handsome and had a lovely family who welcomed me into their family unit. His mum was like a mum to me as I lost mine to a long standing illness when we had been together 3 years. Looking back now I can see that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him and he later admitted that he had been pressured into marrying me, I always felt like he cared for me, but wasn’t in love with me. After we married he seemed reluctant to start a family with me and I know I shouldn’t have tricked him but I ‘fell pregnant by accident’. He seemed happy and loved our ds to bits. I felt like I could make it work.

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

I was broken, he was my life and gave me all the security I wanted. That was six years ago and I still can’t move on. I have been to counselling twice and was on anti-depressants for a good 18 months after he left. I am ashamed to admit that I still want him back and pine for him.

I hate that he seems to care so little for me now, I don’t even get a card on my birthday or xmas. I don’t even get to see him to be friendly with him as he had his contact order changed when ds went to school so that he picks ds up from school on a fri night and drops him at school mon morning every other weekend he has him. Its like he wants to forget I even exist.

I feel like a fool. I am nearly 41 for gods sake and still can’t move on. I did try online dating for a year or two to try and get over him but the guys on there were awful!

Buggeritimgettingup Mon 10-Oct-16 15:55:08

You tricked him into having a child?!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 10-Oct-16 16:03:36

I do feel for you OP, but unfortunately he has well and truly moved on and you need to also.

Can only suggest you maybe look at filling your life with other stuff. If you have5 already, get some hobbies that you can concentrate on.

6 years is a long time to still be pining.

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 10-Oct-16 16:03:50

Why do you think your ex should send you birthday and Christmas cards? Of course he doesn't want to, and he won't.

Why do you want him back? He doesn't love you. He has said that he never loved you. Why do you want a man who has never loved you and never will love you? what kind of relationship would that be?

I'm sorry to be harsh here but I suggest you look at more counselling. You really do need to move on. You say he gave you all the security you ever wanted. An equal, loving relationship is not based on security. It's based on love and respect.

MissPathetic30 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:11:17

Oh I feel for you. It's very hard when they move on with the other woman. I'm kind of in the same boat and it sucks big time. The OW and my ex just went on a weekend holiday to Spain. But I don't pine for him, I miss who I thought he was. He's showing you he's moved on, so try to pick yourself up if you can, guaranteed he's not crying over you. It's sad that he never loved you, but maybe now is your chance to find someone who does. Online dating is soul destroying but I've promised myself I would never settle. We just have to keep plodding on. Remember all his bad points don't just sit at home snd remember all his good points. And if you did trick him, what's done is done, there's no use judging you, you're paying the ultimate price now. We can't make ppl love us or chose to be with us. Sending hugs your way.

Spectacular2 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:19:21

I know, I feel pathetic for still loving him. It seems his only bad point was not loving me. he really was my perfect man. I thought we had it all, lovely house, good jobs, our beautiful ds.

i really think he has made a mistake, everyone told me he would realise what he lost and come crawling back, but he married OW instead. they have been married 5 years now and have a little dd. I'm sure if he would communicate with me again he would realise that we had a good life.

I am still close to hid DM and want to be part of the family again so much.

Arfarfanarf Mon 10-Oct-16 16:20:50

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

You really would benefit from counselling to help you truly see that he is no prince.

He married you even though he says he never loved you?

How utterly cruel. How selfish. You deserved to be with someone who loved you but he wasted years of your life in a lie.

You need to get angry about that. How he acted without not one care for your feelings. Used you while it suited him, chucked you away when he found someone 'better' (in his eyes).

I am not going to get into the issue of the child. I dont think you really need input on that choice right now, not with how you're feeling. I think you need some help to see the reality of this man and his treatment of you.

Arfarfanarf Mon 10-Oct-16 16:24:25

You think that if he would talk with you he would come back to you? Is that what you are saying?

He wont. He used you and he left you. He wants her. Not you. You need help and support to accept that.
He has acted as though you were never a person to him. You were a need temporarily fulfilled. A stopgap.

Get angry about that!

Use that anger to move forward.

Crispsheets Mon 10-Oct-16 16:26:45

He has moved on, got a new family and clearly doesn't want anything to do with you.
You need help as you are not behaving normally. And to trap into having a child is just awful. Maybe that's why he left for someone else.
You sound horribly clingy.

Spectacular2 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:31:31

Arfarfanarf I have done the angry bit. I spent 2 years angry and bitter. I have done the whole revenge thing (stopped him seeing ds for a month, nail polish on OW's car etc) none of that was really me and I hated myself for being that person. I just don't have the energy to be angry anymore. I know he used me, he told me he didn't know what love was so just settled down with me as thought that was what he was supposed to do (all his friends were getting married etc). I am still angry that he took the best years of my life. he left me a washed up 35 year old. How was i supposed to find a man as a single mum in her late 30's?

I am mostly angry with OW, she has everything I want, the family I wanted.

All the men i have met over the past 5 years have been losers just out for a quick shag / no job prospects / no interest in my ds etc. I hate that exdh is a doting step dad to OW's son, when i can't find a man to take my son on!

Buggeritimgettingup Mon 10-Oct-16 16:34:24

I honestly think you need to speak to your gp and try and access some help/counselling. In the nicest possible way this isn't normal behaviour and you need professional advice.

Arfarfanarf Mon 10-Oct-16 16:38:06

I dont mean angry as it bitter or vengeful. That is like taking poison and expecting him to die (as the saying goes)

I mean an empowering anger that you use to truly move out from under him (mentally) and to see him for what he is and to take back the power.

That's what I'm not reading from your description.

The will to move on with your life.

You need to be happy with, about and by yourself before you think about a relationship.

TheUnseenAcademic Mon 10-Oct-16 16:38:58

You say his only bad point was not loving you. In fact, it was treating you appallingly by taking the cowardly and lazy route and stringing you along all of those years. Until you stop idealising him you won't get over him.

Spectacular2 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:43:19

I don't idolise him, but i was the happiest I have ever been in my life with him.

i have accepted that he didn't love me, but I stupidly thought he would never leave me if we had a dc. Now he has the best of both worlds.

I know it sounds nuts but I genuinely think I could be a better wife to him that OW.

BolshierAryaStark Mon 10-Oct-16 16:48:18

Yes I agree, stop seeing him as 'perfect' he really wasn't.
Where you are now is not healthy, you're never going to find the man for you while you're still pining after your ex.
Speak to your GP, truthfully.

Buggeritimgettingup Mon 10-Oct-16 16:50:34

You can't be a better wife because he doesn't love you and you can't make him. You found out to your cost that a dc doesn't act as a plaster in a bad relationship. After all this time maybe you could get help to move on and then you can start enjoying life. You can't hold others responsible for your happiness eventually you need to take the bull by the horns which you may be able to do with the right support.

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 10-Oct-16 16:50:42

"...i can't find a man to take my son on!"
That's quite shocking OP. Neither you nor your son need a man to 'take him on'.

"he left me a washed up 35 year old
You are very bitter sad. Every change, no matter how hard it may seem initially, is also an opportunity.

"I am mostly angry with OW, she has everything I want, the family I wanted."
Your anger is a waste of time, energy and strength. It benefits no-one. Please seek additional counselling. You really do need to move on.

barkinginessex Mon 10-Oct-16 16:54:53

Sorry you are hurting OP but you need to seek professional help, you sound obsessed. Why do you think he'd be happier with you? You know nothing about his life or relationships with his partner and children. What he did to you was cruel but it doesn't sound intentional, sounds as though the OW is the love of his life. Until you move past these feelings you'll never be able to move on and start a new relationship.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:57:46

Oh Spector, I'm sorry you're still feeling like this, you're not alone, lots of people feel that they will never fully recover for such a life changing event, but we do heal. It sounds like, life is a lonely dark place and one of the ways we cope with this, is by dwelling on the past and reflecting on how wonderful life used to be and building an image in our mind of what an amazing man he was and still is.Our minds flooded with negativity and we just can't focus on being without him.It seems like you've got stuck at this stage and until you actively do something, you'll remain here.

The reality is, he is Insignificant and all that matters is you and your son.You need to work on yourself (good food, friends, exercise, rest and fresh air, are the keys to this life), counselling maybe an option and slowly your mind set will change and you'll realise that he is irrelevant, but you are alive and kicking and there is a hell of a lot of living to do.

Spectacular2 Mon 10-Oct-16 16:57:54

I am just upset that he has bonded so well with OW's son. It broke my heart a few weeks ago when i saw him out jogging with him. He should be doing that with our son. I know he dotes on him when he has him and ds is always happy at his house, but i feel I have been relegated to proper ex wife status.

I hate that ds calls their dd his little sister too sad

I have seen my gp, i am not depressed, just bitter I guess.

I have tried to move on, but at 41 and no family around me and ds its hard. I work full time in a dead end job that i've been doing for 20 years, I have so little time and energy for online dating weirdo's.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 10-Oct-16 17:01:48

How often do you see his Mum, OP? What does she say about all this?

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 10-Oct-16 17:04:59

I have been relegated to proper ex wife status

Er - not being funny but, what did you expect? He's remarried now.

A lot of your posts sound like you haven't accepted what happened at all.

Mrskeats Mon 10-Oct-16 17:06:16

Hang on a minute, you put nail varnish on the other woman's car?
You are lucky you don't have a criminal record.
I agree that this is not a normal reaction and you need to seek some help.
Tricking someone into having a child is pretty low also as is stopping your ex from seeing his child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 10-Oct-16 17:10:16

Firstly OP, stop dating. There's no point at the moment, you're still fixated on your ex and what can never be. No, he shouldn't have married you because he didn't love you but sometimes that happens. It sounds as if he was honest with you that he 'settled'. As hard as that sounds, it rings of the truth and you will have to come to terms with the fact that he is now happily married and will not be coming back to you.

You tricked him into a baby and he is a good father to his son. You can't ask for more than that. He doesn't want to see you and having changed access arrangements so that he doesn't should give you that message. You wanted your son and you have him. He will always be your son. Delight in that - and the fact that your son actually has a pretty good dad.

There's no point being angry with the OW because she is firstly now his wife and your son's step-mother and secondly, if it hadn't been her it would have been somebody else. Your husband was not going to stay with you whatever the cost. You really need to stop thinking that you could get him back if you just had a conversation with him... that thinking is holding you back very much.

I think that you should get some counselling but not about your husband leaving you - but about the loss of your mum, your parents, because I think that's the key to it all. This overwhelming need to be part of somebody else's family, to crave it so much. This is because there's a hole in your left that your MUM left, not your husband. That's what I think anyway.

Off to your GP for a first step - counselling is what you need - for your sake and your son's.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 10-Oct-16 17:15:12

Spector-at least you have a job which is more than some folk.

Forget dating until you are right, you don't need a man for validation.

Don't watch him jogging with ow son, get jogging yourself.

Turn it all on its head or the bitterness will eat you alive.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now