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Scared he is going to take kids away

(73 Posts)
Hotwaterbottle1 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:08:37

Please help, I need urgent advice.

Quick background - Separated but living together, 2 kids ds 15 & dd 12. He refusing to accept its over. He made living there intolerable, causing tension, awkwardness, huffing & lately being unreasonable, shouting, following me, stalking me by phone, smashing patio doors, punching wall.
After being shouted down on Sunday to leave I did & came to my mums. 2 mins drive away. He works from 7am to approx 5pm. I have therefore gone over at 7am to get kids sorted for school. Then as part-time after work to cook their dinner, do their washing etc. Then leave before he is home. Also took dd to cinema Tuesday and had them both here for dinner tonight.
Emailed him today about various things (money we owed from his friend, Xmas present for kids, interim contact details). He replied saying won't reply until he has seen a solicitor. I replied asking what a solicitor has to do with any of it. He got back to me re money owed but nothing else. I am now terrified by leaving I have potentially caused an issue for me re access to kids. Should I go back?

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:19:14

Wow. I was in your situation and 2 years later still in litigation due to access to DS. (See my thread ExH seeking sole custody -I'm miserable).

My big mistake was that I volunteered to move out. XH always said he would never move out as it was 'his house' - it was his deposit that got us the house and I thought his point was fair. But I made a colossal mistake.

I would suggest that you go and see a solicitor yourself immediately. I took a year before seeking legal advice as XH kept promising we would co-parent but then it turned out he'd been lying to me just to keep the clock ticking in his favour as the 'status quo' of DS living principally with him apparently gives a huge advantage in the eyes of the court!

I may be wrong but if I was you I would seriously contemplate going back, and telling him to move out. It was him who has been acting out - smashing and punching walls etc.

He may well refuse to move out but if anything escalates I would call the police if I was you. It is threatening when the partner is punching walls. My XH used to also do this - he even stuck his fist through a few doors and once broke his fist altogether!

You can bet he's on some Fathers 4 Justice site right now getting advice on how to screw you over with regards to the house and access to kids.

I used to support the idea of Fathers 4 Justice in principle, but I then tried to join their secret web forum to get support as I was in the position that the father typically is in, and I paid money and they still haven't let me join, presumably because I'm female (I've sent many emails to them asking but no response), and the thought did occur to me that my XH has probably been an active member on their secret forum since our break up because he's certainly orchestrated so many things to fall in his favour, and now he is brutally only allowing me to see DS half of each weekend.

My XH also talked me into 'we can solve this without solicitors as they are such a waste of money'. Please please see a solicitor ASAP. You can get a very cheap consultation and do not have to spend more money unless you want to. You can get a consultation without signing an agreement with a solicitor. Please see one. I took 12 months to see one and it was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Strength and hugs to you flowers

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:21:47

My XH also changed locks so I couldn't get in the house anymore. I would prepare for the worst if I was you - then you can hope for the best.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:22:46

Every hour you aren't in that house is an hour your ex has to poison your dc against you. I would move back in.

Hotwaterbottle1 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:32:34

I believe changing locks is illegal?

He refuses to move out.

A solicitor can't make him move out though. What can they do?

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:42:48

They can do something, I'm sure. I took what I thought was the easy way out but that was because I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that XH would then try to deny me access to DS!

If I had consulted a solicitor, things would have panned out VERY differently. I don't know how exactly, but I know enough now that I indeed made several cardinal errors, it all came down to being too trusting of XH when sadly all my trust turned out to be false.

The solicitors will be able to advice on everything, and maybe even write him a letter requesting that he move out. More importantly, if there is any more domestic abuse going on, when OP moves back in (which I hope), then she needs to call the police and have XH removed. In fact XH can even be removed anyway based on the shouting and punching walls... a solicitor will be able to advice with this.

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:44:42

Also, another option is that you remove yourself and the kids to your DM. There are many, many options available, none of which I was aware of at the time this was happening to me. Seeing a solicitor is of priority importance right now flowers

crazybat Thu 06-Oct-16 21:47:43

Apply for prohibited steps order. If granted it can bar him from the house and/or removing destroying your belongings.

Have a look at non moleststion order too. Be careful his solicitor could advise him to get prohibited steps also.

crazybat Thu 06-Oct-16 21:49:51

Sorry occupation order not prohibited steps*

crazybat Thu 06-Oct-16 21:50:16

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 22:26:02

Yes, it's important that you see a solicitor asap because your XH may act first on this very thing.

Hotwaterbottle1 Thu 06-Oct-16 22:37:13

How can he apply for this when I've not been abusive? I'm now even more panicked

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 23:34:24

I was hoping someone with more experience than me would come on and advise you. My instinct is for you to be with your children.

Is there any record of the abuse you suffered? You should have called the police at the weekend. Especially after the patio doors as that would be something physical they could see.

Can the children come to your mothers?

Iizzyb Thu 06-Oct-16 23:48:47

You need to get some proper legal advice. Borrow the money from your mum/dad/anyone. I second what the others say about moving back in as a tactic (maybe just move yourself back in when he's at work - don't ask him) then just live with it until you can get a proper plan of action together with your solicitor.

If you are living in the house and doing most of the childcare and he's in the habit of punching walls then there's lots the law can do for you.

Your dc'a need you & you are in a much stronger position if you are in the house & with the dc's.

If he changes the locks & stops you seeing them you'd find the £ to pay for proper legal advice. Do that now & it will be much easier for everyone to sort out esp you & dc's. If you ring in the morning you'll get a quick appointment I'm sure. Good luck xx

user1475501383 Thu 06-Oct-16 23:56:05

Hotwaterbottle, Please don't panic, just keep calm and see a solicitor.

Hopefully your H isn't as vile as my XH but you got to prepare for the worst.

The allegations XH has thrown at me in court proceedings show that one can get away with pretty much any lies at least in the short run. XH stopped me seeing DS for 3-4 months completely without a few supervised hours a week, and then only agreed by consent to 1 overnight a week, unsupervised, presumably because he wanted to appear more reasonable to the judge.

Our court proceedings have lasted for 10 months and so far the court has not made any decisions because XH's allegations have been so serious that they have had to get the bureaucracy mill involved with social workers, legal guardian etc. All the contact I currently have with DS is because XH agreed to it in court. The law has been powerless so far with regards to this. And the longer it continues the better for XH as he can use the status quo principle in his favour.

I have not ever posed a risk to Ds's wellbeing in any way but XH did make those allegations, and they need to be investigated, and it takes time, - a long time. With no guarantee of outcome.

I sincerely hope your H won't turn as vile as mine, but you need to prepare for the worst. My great mistake was trusting XH, thinking his good nature would never allow him to act like this. But I was 100% wrong on that.

Oh, my XH has also accused me of domestic abuse of all sorts, but those allegations pale in comparison to the allegations he has made regarding DS. So yes, I would urge you to shop around for a lawyer- go and see several, it is money WELL spent at this point, because your H may well go behind your back and suddenly you find yourself at court at a without notice hearing getting accused of DA and being locked out of your own home...

Just thinking of the worst case scenarios here but I do hope your H will not stoop that low and that you are luckier than me.... Have strength and look after yourself flowers

crazybat Fri 07-Oct-16 06:51:35

They can lie... you dont need a solicitor just make an appointment with the judge and fill out your form giving your reasons. This is the exact reason why the exist. He is using threatening behaviour to warrant not having you in the house.

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 07-Oct-16 07:56:41

I don't want to go to court, not doing that to kids. Have no proof of his behaviour at all.

Iamdobby63 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:09:30

I do think you need to move back in (unless you think you are in danger). If he kicks off then call the police, keep a record.

How would you want access arrangements? 50/50 doesn't seem possible with his working hours. I don't know if you moving out of the family house and leaving the children would go against you in court. I know you don't want court it you may have to if he takes you. I don't think the children would attend.

Please see a solicitor asap.

Iamdobby63 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:10:16

And do tell the solicitor why you left.

Sunbeam18 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:14:14

Can't your kids be with you at your mums?

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:14:46

I moved in late last night.
He refuses to move out and says he refuses to let me take kids.
He started within minutes of accusing me of leaving him for someone else. I'm not. I have casually seen someone though (since separated) & told him that last week after him shouting at me.
He says this is kids home and he staying here. He won't listen to reason that if he pursues this then we will be forced to sell it.
It has no completion certificate, work still needs done to finish extension. Selling now we would lose £50-60k.
He is coordinating & finishing work, I have no way of finding out what's still to be done.
Found a drop in cab so going for 9.30.

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:16:09

Mums house only 2 bedroom

Iamdobby63 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:30:02

Okay. First get the advice and take it from there.

He may force your hand and if he doesnt get work finished then that amount will have to be lost.

Try not to discuss anything else with him, it will only lead to an argument. See cab today but you really will need a solicitor. Remind me, do you have an income?

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 07-Oct-16 08:44:51

Im going to ask cab for solicitor recommendation. I work part-time. I had called legal aid yesterday but told not entitled to legal aid as earned too much, if I was living with kids I would be. Now I've moved back don't know if that changes even though he living here too.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Oct-16 09:26:31

Hope CAB are helpful to you.
Also get in touch with Womens Aid.
They can put in touch with local solicitors who are used to dealing with abusive pricks!
They can give you a lot of advice right so use them.

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