Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If I describe a situation please can you tell me what you think?

(128 Posts)
Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife Fri 30-Sep-16 07:23:01

DH and I are having problems. The problems are mostly that I'm no longer attracted to him and questioning whether I want to remainin the marriage. I feel guilty and sad for feeling the way I do, particularly when I've always felt it's not his fault.

Something happened the other night that made me feel uncomfortable and I'm really struggling to understand whether it's because of the way I feel (or don't feel) about him or whether it was not quite right.

We were away in a hotel for work (we have always worked together). We went for dinner with a colleague and he was texting me to say I was talking too loud (possibly slightly true, my voice is quite loud, but I wasn't drunk or shouting and was talking about boring work stuff in a moreorless empty hotel bar - nothing terribly embarrassing).

After my colleague left I said (nicely) that it felt very critical being texted like that and he stormed out. He came back a few minutes later saying he knew he was being childish. It was a bit strained but we had a drink in the bar then went up to our room.

He wanted to have sex. I didn't and was going to sleep. He came up behind me in bed and started touching me. I moved his hand (nicely) and said I was too tired. He moved his hand back and carried on. I said I was still bleeding (end of my period) and not really up for it. He carried on and said 'that's no reason we can't play'.

I said 'i really don't feel like it, can we just have a cuddle?'he carried on for a minute or so as if he hadn't heard me then huffed and rolled over away from me..

All night he made a big thing of not being able to sleep. Getting up every 5 mins and sighing etc. In the morning he said 'I had really dirty dreams about you and really want to fuck you'. I still didn't want to and said so so he picked up my hand and put it on his dick and closed my fingers round him. I touched him half heartedly for a couple of minutes then pulled away. He put my hand on his nipple and pulled my head on to his shoulder and had a wank until he came.

i feel really weird about it all.,I know I didn't want to do anything and felt really uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if his behaviour was unreasonable. I'd really appreciate so outside views

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife Fri 30-Sep-16 07:24:02

Fuck that was long - sorry

PoldarksBreeches Fri 30-Sep-16 07:26:47

Yes he was coercing you into sex. That's not acceptable.

Your husband is an arsehole.

SlinkyVagabond Fri 30-Sep-16 07:30:12

Course it was. He was trying to coerce you into sex when you had said no. Using guilt and trying to wear you down. Was this the first time?

Graceflorrick Fri 30-Sep-16 07:30:40

I've never been in that position. No is a very clear no in my house. Perhaps he knows your relationship is on the rocks and is struggling to cope and acting strangely? You could have walked away at any time I guess?

manandbeast Fri 30-Sep-16 07:30:43

Not his finest hour.
But he's clearly noticed you're not into him. Maybe you should tell him so you can both move on?

TheSparrowhawk Fri 30-Sep-16 07:40:04

He sexually assaulted you. You need to end this relationship asap.

skyyequake Fri 30-Sep-16 07:42:38

I know how you feel... Do you know why it is that you're not attracted to him? I say this because that is not something normal men do, and sometimes a lack of attraction can be linked to something deeper. Do you feel like he supports you? Is he often very critical of you like he was at the work thing? Or is it just simply a lack of fizzle on your part?

I think if there's lack of attraction then you should begin examining your relationship dynamic. Sometimes its just a sign that one or both parties have checked out of the relationship or it has "run its course", other times it can be that one or both parties are behaving in a way that makes them unattractive to the other person. Ie, not helping with housework, being critical, sulking a lot. You get the idea.

How is your relationship usually?

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife Fri 30-Sep-16 09:21:01

It's very difficult to leave because of work. I do have an earlier thread about it I this name but I can't link it on my phone. Basically neither of us can realistically leave work for a few years so I've been trying to make it work.

We usually have sex every 2-3 weeks because he progressively asks/gropes and generally pesters until the line of least resistance is to agree because at least then he'll stop following me round like a horny puppy for a bit. This is the first time I haven't agreed

Happybunny19 Fri 30-Sep-16 09:52:44

I disagree with suggestions you were sexually assaulted. If that's the case I am guilty of this against my oh many times when I've come on to him and tried to get him in the mood. Admittedly I would stop after the first knock back, but would feel rejected.

You don't sound at all interested in him sexually and he's frustrated, that's not good. If you feel like this you need to be honest with him and split if he's not getting all he needs from the relationship. He not guilty of any crime other than wanting intimacy with his wife.

AnyFucker Fri 30-Sep-16 09:59:05 you think this man is entitled to sex with his wife ?

Have you read how he coerces and nags until she gives in ? That is not consent.

memyselfandaye Fri 30-Sep-16 10:01:12

He's a creep, and a sex pest, he held onto your head while he had a wank after you said you did'nt want sex.

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife Fri 30-Sep-16 10:16:25

I kind of agree with that happybunny. I guess I feel kind of uncomfortable because I asked him to stop several times but he didn't. I don't think he was doing anything wrong by instigating sex, but I'm not sure about the not stopping

MrsBertBibby Fri 30-Sep-16 10:20:48

If he stopped whe you said, then it would be a completely different situation.

What he is doing is very wrong, very damaging to you and your relationship, and utterly repulsive. If my partner did that I could never be with him again.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him, your wishes are irrelevant to him.

athenasmum Fri 30-Sep-16 10:28:17

No one should ever force anyone to do anything. But, if he is still sexually attracted to you and trying to maintain that side of the relationship and you aren't at all, nor likely to ever be interested you should let him know and give him the choice to go and find someone who is. It's a big part of a relationship and though people are right that you shouldn't be coerced, he also shouldn't be made to live in a sexless marriage where his wife hasn't told him he isn't what she wants.

Luvjubs Fri 30-Sep-16 10:33:05

I think calling it sexual assault is OTT. The not giving it up is annoying and I would have said so at the time, although I personally wouldn't feel my OH having a wank and trying to involve me is anything bad.
I think the problem here is that you don't find him attractive or sexual. Leave. It's not fair on him or you

MsStricty Fri 30-Sep-16 10:35:57

Happybunny19. Your words: "Admittedly I would stop after the first knock back,"

And therein lies the fucking huge, fundamental difference. Yes, the OP was sexually assaulted, because it was non-consensual. It was also persistently non-consensual, just to make things worse.

Unicornsandrainbows3 Fri 30-Sep-16 10:37:30

It IS sexual assault. She clearly said no and he didn't stop. I'm so sorry OP.

MsStricty Fri 30-Sep-16 10:37:46

And yet again - no wonder why we have so many posts like this when people can't even understand the fucking fundamentals of consent and the definition of assault.

Luvjubs - to take someone's hand against their will, put it on your genitals, and squeeze, and then get off on it, is assault.

Jesus wept.

Luvjubs Fri 30-Sep-16 10:45:25

Msstricty, as a couple, you do things like that, it sounds like he really isn't aware of how deeply op is unattracted to him and he was hoping to get her in the mood. I think if it were the other way round, and a woman putting a mans hands on her, it would seem more acceptable.
As said, bad situation for both of them though. Should split, regardless of work

MsStricty Fri 30-Sep-16 10:49:22

No, you do not do that as a couple. I have been in many relationships where that has not happened.

I would suggest you get some help around boundaries.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Sep-16 10:51:51

I've just re-read your other thread which I remember posting on.

No wonder you don't want sex with this man! He's the one with the top job but you're doing all the work, isn't he? And you do his job before you do his own.

You must feel like his mother, having to do 80% of his job and 80% of all the household jobs (as you said in the thread.) And then he starts groping you when you've clearly said no? Ugh, he's horrible.

Who exactly is tied (legally) into the business - you or him? How many people are aware that you're doing his job for him?

MsStricty Fri 30-Sep-16 10:53:33

Sorry, Luvjubs, my response was totally passive aggressive.

I simply don't agree with you, though, and the same applies if genders were reversed. If I did that to my partner, I would be checking myself in for help. I cannot imagine a place where that behaviour would be acceptable.

But it doesn't surprise me in the least how widely accepted and normalised it is.

MsStricty Fri 30-Sep-16 10:55:39

If it makes any difference, I worked as a sex educator, and one of my roles was to educate counsellors who worked with victims of sexual trauma and abuse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now