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Opinion please who is right and who is wrong?

(113 Posts)
Curviest Thu 01-Sep-16 21:21:38

Could you say who is in the wrong here, and (if you like) why. Thank you very much.

Couple get together, he is 27 and (through shyness) only ever had sex with one woman. She is 37, had lots of boyfriends. They are both sex mad, move in together, and it's a very highly sexual relationship: "at it" every day before and after work, and several times over the weekends.

Joint mortgage, expenses shared, then she gets made redundant and can only get a part time poorly paid shop assistant job, so he partially supports her. They are not married and there are no kids.

When she hits 45 she has some gynae probs then hits menopause. High libido suddenly turns to zero libido. She isn't bothered; he is utterly gutted.

She says: "I don't want sex ever again, but you cannot do it with anyone else." She has always been very possessive, and this does not change.

After 3 years of no sex, he calls for a discussion. He says: "I'm only 38, still extremely highly sexed. Sex means an awful lot to me, but I have had no sex for 3 years and I am not happy to live without sex for the rest of my life. Is there a chance that you may get your libido back, or is there any way you would let me have an affair? If not, I think we will have to split up."

She says, "We can't split up - ever. I cannot support myself on my part time shop job. My share of the equity in this flat (if we sell it) isn't enough to buy even a bedsit. Cannot rent as no landlord will accept my two dogs. Besides, this is my home! I have decorated it and made it beautiful for 13 years and I don't see why I should leave just because I won't let you f__ me."

Friends and family say: "you can't throw her out onto the street just for not giving you sex. There is more to a relationship than sex."

So, stalemate.

In your opinion, who is right and who is wrong?

sooperdooper Thu 01-Sep-16 21:25:59

I can see both sides but I think it's unfair of her to say they can never split up because he has to support her.

Nobody has to be in any relationship that makes them unhappy for whatever reason - if he's not happy he has every right to leave.

And surely the part time shop job doesn't have to be forever, she could look for another job, or a second part time job

Runoutoftime16 Thu 01-Sep-16 21:26:53

No one, it's just not working out.

thewookieswife Thu 01-Sep-16 21:28:05

So could she not even be bothered to help him out with a hand job even ? Not very fair I'd say ! Are you sure she hasn't just emotionally checked out of the whole relationship ?

Even if I couldn't or didn't want to have sex, I still could leave my poor chap with nothing !! That's just not the caring thing to do IMO.

Further conversation between you both needed me thinks !!

Good luck !!

NoahVale Thu 01-Sep-16 21:29:23

no one is right.
can she not take hrt,
ky jelly.?

couples counselling.
other intimate ways that arent penetrative.

can their love survive?

thewookieswife Thu 01-Sep-16 21:29:55

*still couldn't leave

Epic auto correct fail !!

Buzzardbird Thu 01-Sep-16 21:32:26

No-one, you just need to make a decision what you want to do.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 01-Sep-16 21:33:03

It's not a question of right or wrong.

He should leave. I would.

SandyY2K Thu 01-Sep-16 21:36:57

They aren't married and he has no legal obligation to support her financially.

She cannot enforce celibacy on him.

She needs to find a full time job and start supporting herself.

He should give her a choice .... either

he can get his needs met elsewhere with her knowledge OR he leaves her and the relationship is over. They can sell the house and split the profit/equity.

Her family haven't got the right to tell him what he wants or needs in a relationship

She should get out of the mindset that this man has to support her for life. Why should he?.

whattheseithakasmean Thu 01-Sep-16 21:37:08

You can't stay in a relationship out of guilt, if it is over, it is over. They need to split up, he is not responsible for her. Of course, if they have children, that is different as they both have a duty to support any children. But a grown adult? She has to make her own way in the world. 48 isn't that old to find a full time/better paid job - I got a great career opportunity at 46 after years of part time work.

mydietstartsmonday Thu 01-Sep-16 21:38:09

He is it happy and she is taking him for granted by not being able to support herself . He should just walk away, the relationship has had its day.

deathtoheadlice Thu 01-Sep-16 21:39:10

She is wrong. Either sex is deeply incredibly important, worth defining your relationship over and all that, or it's not. If it is so super important it is totally unreasonable to demand that someone who wants it and loves it go without it forever.

If it is not that definitively important, then they should be able to come to an agreement where he can have it with others. You can't have this both ways -- not doing it, as it's not important or needed, but then seeing it as so priceless that your partner can't do it with anyone else either.

And they should listen to Dan Savage on the topic.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 01-Sep-16 21:40:21

I'd have zero respect for someone who said 'I can't rent because of my dogs'. I mean...c'mon...

deathtoheadlice Thu 01-Sep-16 21:40:48

And he doesn't have any obligation to support her or arrange for her dogs etc.
Phone corrected to Gods instead of dogs. Not those either!

Ragwort Thu 01-Sep-16 21:43:23

There is no 'right or wrong' - the relationship is clearly not working for either of them - they need to split up. And why on earth are friends and family commenting on their sex life (or lack of)? hmm

sooperdooper Thu 01-Sep-16 21:51:51

Missed the dogs point, it is possible to rent with dogs, just takes a bit more looking around for a suitable place

GingerbreadGingerbread Thu 01-Sep-16 21:52:47

IMO she is in the wrong. She's withdrawn the physical side of the relationship and to say "never again" to sex would be a crushing rejection and loss for many many people. It appears so won't make an effort to try and rectify this. Also if he wants to end the relationship she can't refuse for practical reasons.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 01-Sep-16 21:57:44

A relationship needs input from both partners. She wants to stay out of selfish reasons. He wants to split out if selfish reasons. The relationship sounds beyond saving.

MyWineTime Thu 01-Sep-16 22:32:52

She doesn't want to put any effort into their physical relationship but she thinks he should stay faithful and has to stay to support her - not because of her undying love for him, but because she needs his money.

It strikes me that she doesn't actually love him any more and the relationship is already dead and buried.

HeddaGarbled Thu 01-Sep-16 22:40:43

Maybe he could be generous with the equity split to ensure she could afford to buy a flat.

Very sad all round. Neither of you is wrong, just some very unlucky circumstances - her illness, her redundancy, the age gap.

I think splitting is probably the best thing but with some thought about how to manage it so she that isn't entirely condemned to a life of penury, homelessness and loneliness. He'll be OK, 38 with a good job & income, he'll be fine, but I can understand her panic about the future.

gamerchick Thu 01-Sep-16 22:47:21

He can leave if he wants. If people stayed together just because one party says no we can't split up there would be a fuckload of miserable people in the world than there is now.

TheNaze73 Fri 02-Sep-16 08:07:56

Neither side is right or wrong.

Here list of demands and rules, would try the patience of a saint. Think it's just a matter of time before he'll say enough is enough and walk. He should be generous with the equity split but, she should get a FT job

Trills Fri 02-Sep-16 08:26:22

Nobody is ever obliged to stay in a relationship if they don't want to.

If you split up with someone and your friends/family consider your reasons to be "wrong" you'll have to deal with the consequences.

But there is never any obligation to stay.

Hhmyeahsuremaybe Fri 02-Sep-16 08:34:43

He is allowed to leave the relationship for any reason he wants, isn't that what all the women are told here.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 02-Sep-16 08:34:56

She says, "We can't split up - ever. I cannot support myself on my part time shop job
Tough shit.
Guess what??
Life sucks sometimes and you have to get out there and support yourself.
She may well be entitled to benefits and tax credits if they split.

He doesn't want to be in the relationship like it is so he gets out.
No-one should stay and be unhappy.
Relegated to a sexless life before he's 40 - no way. I'd be off too.
Thousands of people every day split up and have to just get on with life.
He's way too young for that shit.
He needs legal advice. So he should get to a solicitor and see where it goes from there.

She sounds selfish and entitled.
And her family can feck off. This is their relationship and their business and their mess to sort out.
Just my humble opinion.

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