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My husband has walked out on us!

(19 Posts)
Tippytoes13 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:14:17

Hi, me and my husband haven't had a happy relationship for some time, lots of problems, which have put a strain on things. He walked out on me and his three children today, threw his tools down, slammed the door, called me a few words, said he's done, threw his wedding ring on the floor and left, we have been out this afternoon, I have returned and he's packed his clothes and everything and left, not heard a word from him. What do I tell the children and how do I cope as a single mother of 3, one who's very ill with a cold and poorly teeth at the moment, so I'm not getting much sleep. I only have my father to support me, who is older and can't help me a lot, I am also a SAHM so have no financial income. What do I do? I'm in such a mess!

Greydiddi Sun 21-Aug-16 19:17:20

Oh gosh Tippy I'm so very sorry, you must feel overwhelmed and quite scared as to how you will cope. I'm afraid I don't have any experience of this but didn't want to leave your post I acknowledged and I'm sure someone wise will be among very soon.

flowers and you will find the strength to get through this.

Mybugslife Sun 21-Aug-16 19:20:39

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have an friends in real life that you can call just for a bit of support?
I'm so sorry I have no advice but didn't want to read and run. Sending lots of hugs xx

Arfarfanarf Sun 21-Aug-16 19:25:15

thanks
Did he just throw his tools down and storm out out of the blue or during a row?
I think the best thing you can do is apply for benefits as a single parent. That has to be your priority. You need money.
If you have any good friends tell them. You might be surprised.

Focus on the practicalities to get you through the first few days. You can process it emotionally over time.

Disappointednomore Sun 21-Aug-16 19:32:24

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think the advice to apply for benefits is a good one. I also think you should tell a couple of close friends as you will really need the real life support. My STBXH left suddenly 10 months ago and my friends have been lifesavers. How old are your children?

Allalonenow Sun 21-Aug-16 19:34:33

If you have joint bank accounts move some money into an account only you can access.

Collect together as much paperwork about the family finances as you can, his wages, pensions, debts, credit cards, insurances etc etc.

How are you for food and household stuff? Do you have any store loyalty cards that would help you?

chitofftheshovel Sun 21-Aug-16 19:35:54

Sorry you are going through this.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but do you think that's it now, forever? If so you need to get your feisty head on. Do you have any savings to fall back on?

If you rent get onto housing benefit first thing on Monday. Also, if he's left you he shouldn't be coming back into the house willy nilly.

Is he employed? Self employed? Either way get onto what was csa asap.

As for telling the children, can you wait and ask him to tell them? Although they must have picked up on the tensions.

You will be fine as a single mum, sounds like you have been the majority already and it's actually easier parenting on your own than with someone you don't have a happy relationship with.

Best of luck to you, it'll be hard but you can do it.

Tippytoes13 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:52:00

Thank you for all the replies so far. My children are 1, 5 and 10. Sadly, I don't have any close friends to fall back on, I lost contact with friends over the years I've been a SAHM, I always focused on my children, although I did have weekend jobs and worked part time in between. We have a mortgage and as I have no income, I won't be staying in the marital home. I am planning on going back to work, but not sure how that's going to work now, as I will have no one to have the children, I was hoping to do evening work, so that I could work around the holidays, without relying on holiday clubs etc and still look after my 1 year old daughter during the day, but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. My children will be devastated. I have a small amount of money in the bank account I use, where my husband transfers money every week, which should keep us going for a week, for food shopping, but will mean we have no funds for activities during the holidays. I haven't even told my father yet, I'm just worried about the lack of support I have because I am alone in all this, my mother lives far away and doesn't keep in contact regularly and we don't have a close relationship.

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 21-Aug-16 19:56:16

Do you have access to any other family money?

Tippytoes13 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:49:22

Thattimeofyearagain-No I don't have access to any other money. I'm just trying to think what needs to happen now, but not thinking straight, lack of sleep's not helping either.

Chitofftheshovel-I think it's very unlikely we would try again, I think it's too late. I do parent better on my own, never have liked husbands parenting style, although he's a good dad though, we just can never agree on anything, there been other things that have happened too and I think of anything was to ever happen again, we would need counselling, it's not something I'd be willing to work on as a couple.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 21-Aug-16 20:55:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IonaNE Sun 21-Aug-16 21:07:53

So sorry to hear this has happened, OP. Get to a CAB tomorrow and ask advice on claiming benefits. You will also need to talk to a solicitor about finances.

SandyY2K Sun 21-Aug-16 21:13:39

Well you will have child support from him for 3 children. He can't get away with not doing that unless he runs of with no contact.

No matter what the issues are between you, he has a parental responsibility to the children.

I'm sorry about this situation for you.

Tippytoes13 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:47:31

Yes it's happened today, I think it was a long time coming. The problem is, I've not been able to get close to him, since I found out he was messaging a work colleague, I don't think the messages were sexual, but she had sent him a message with a line from the book '50 shades of grey' and there were a lot of other messages, always followed by a x, by both parties, it's messed with my head and it has affected the way I feel about him, he was messaging her, whilst we were together, at weekends and in the mornings. That is something I have a tough time forgiving and I have some anger towards him over this, but also parenting styles has played a big factor.

Allalonenow Sun 21-Aug-16 22:22:29

I hope you don't mind if I come back with a few more thoughts, especially in the light of your last post.

Be prepared to discover that he has done a lot more than merely message her, is that where he has gone today? My bet would be that it is.
You've not been able to get close to him because he has been too busy getting close to OW.

Be prepared for him to blame the breakdown of your marriage entirely on you, but do not believe him. Very few men leave a marriage because they don't like how you iron their shirts, they leave because they think it will be more fun to screw someone else.

Don't make any hasty decisions about the house, he will have to pay the mortgage for the time being, and your childen will have the right to a home until they are are 18, as you have a one year old that is far in the future.

Don't agree in any way at all to any financial settlement offers he makes you in these early days, that will be decided during the divorce. Just tell him he will be hearing from your solicitor.

When he contacts you, don't discuss any emotional, relationship details, just tell him to forward money to feed his children ASAP. Contact all the agencies as advised above, find out as much as you can about your rights. Knowledge is power.

Don't forget that he has only limited help and advice available, while you have the collective strength of Mumsnet behind you.

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 22:26:18

Even if the house ends up being sold, you don't have to leave immediately. First thing you need to do is to speak to a solicitor about your finances - he can't just walk off like that and leave you and the children without any money.

It sounds as though he might have gone off to visit the 50 Shades woman - well, that solves one problem of where he should live. Get tough, OP. He's treated you badly - don't take it lying down!

Tippytoes13 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:01:23

This happened ages ago with the other woman, but it's something I haven't forgotten though. He's gone to stay with his mum and dad as far as I know, they live 2 hours away. His mum liked me a lot, (that's the impression I got) but none of his family have messaged me and asked how I am, even though I've been left with our three children, alone, to pick up the pieces, financially and emotionally.

Ladyloose Tue 23-Aug-16 02:34:11

Hello Tippytoes,

Sorry to hear about what has happened. I wish you the best.

Firstly it seems that everyone is offering indecent advice against your dh based on him throwing some tools? Were they aimed at you or was it out of sight?

You say he gives you money every week for food and things? What makes you think this will stop? Is he the kind of person too just suddenly pull the plug on this?

Imperialblether, speculating that he has ran of with fiftyshades lol isnt helping and as the op said, it was nothing sexual. However imperial is right, the house cant be delt with that quick and its both there responsibilities.

So, to get it clear in my mind so i can help.

What lead to this moment? Something must have happened that we are all missing? No one just throws tools, chucks a ring and leaves? I made my man angry once and he walked for a while. Turns out we both just wouldnt back down from each other.

It seems you have both lost touch with each other where you say he is a good dad yet his parenting styles are different? Everyone has different ideas of parenting and its not uncommon.

Sorry if it sounds like im being biased, im just trying to comprehend whats happened so i can give the best advice possible.

sad

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Aug-16 10:28:28

Hope you are OK OP?
Firstly get onto the bank and ensure he can't empty any accounts in joint names.
Unfortunately there is not much you can about accounts in his name only.
Get onto CAB and find out why benefits you are are entitled to.
Then get onto CSA and find out how much maintenance he should be paying you.
Then get in contact with a couple of local family solicitors who offer a free half hour. Find out where you stand financially.
Gather any information you can.
Pay slips, pension info, saving info, bank account details, etc.....

As you haven't been back for a few days I'm hoping you are sorting all this out.

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