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8 months pregnant with second child and thinking of leaving partner! Help!

(20 Posts)
Evaandteddy11 Mon 06-Jun-16 14:58:44

In a summary of my situation, I have been married for 6 years together for 7. My husband is from the UK and I'm from the US. We live in the UK where he is from so he could persue his band. We never discussed in detail what exactly we planned for the next 6 years to come but I had faith that I was with someone who would adjust to accommodate my needs as I accommodate his. We fell pregnant right after getting married (which was not the plan) and I waited while pregnant for my visa to come just in the nick of time to move to the UK before the airline wouldn't sell me a ticket (5 months). I had expressed to him that I feared becoming a lonely depressed tour widow who brings up the kids while partner is on tour living like a bachelor. He promised me this wouldn't be us. He said that we would travel with him and if we saw this through we would be financially able to have a place in California where I am from and my kids would get all of this amazing experience. I'll just start with the fact that none of this ever happened. It wasn't totally unlikely as his band did receive a large break and now after 6 years we are seeing a healthy bank statement to show for it but certainly not for several years. Basically, exactly what I feared when I stood there in my Grandmother's garden with tears streaming down my face, is exactly how the outcome to my story has unfolded. All these years I have expressed how unhappy I am being alone for so long a periods bringing up a baby with no friends or family support to boot. (My extended family (I have no parents) and friends are not very well off and can only come so often) my whole life has been swallowed up by my husband and what he does for a living. We found out we were pregnant even though I had an IUD put in that should have prevented this and I had an abortion many years ago and will never do it again. I knew he had a massive tour planned that I already wasn't happy about but now I was devastated. I've spent this pregnancy alone and it's been very unfortunately a hard one. I'm looking after my 5 year old who goes to school on my own and along with a pelvic disorder that has become debilitating I struggle with depression because of the pain and my inability to cope. I finally threatened to leave and move back to where I am from with my kids if he doesn't make compromises on his side. He is not willing to look into any other line of work but will try and tour a little less.
I don't believe that it will work out that way as I am already close to my due date and he's gone to the US again because the stand in's Visa fell through. He has been gone the majority of 5 months and was just home a week and a half saying he wasn't going to leave anymore to help me but got the news about having to go. I'm hurt because I love him so much and have tried to stick with him but have lost myself and my connection with my loved ones back home while I am sat here in the evenings crying. I can't see this being the right path in life.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 15:13:06

What a horrible situation to be in.

As he's gone so often I think being in your home country is a better option, with family to support you.

Was it too difficult to tour with him with DD? Why didn't that happen as planned?

With your DD now in school how could you continue touring? Homeschooling maybe?

You'll need to have the baby here move back in time for DD to start school in the US in September. Unless you tell him this is your plan, he won't understand the seriousness of the situation.

I'm not saying to leave the marriage, just leave this country so you have support.

Muscians need to travel to make it big.

Unless you can get a nanny to go on tour and help, you will still be exhausted then.
If you love him try think of solutions to be with him on tour. If you make him tour less he will become resentful and blame you in the end.

Evaandteddy11 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:02:52

The band won't have us on tour with them. That's been made clear. Now my 5 yo is in school it's tricky because I feel I can't just rip her out of school. I shoud have left before things got like this. He has been chasing this job for 8 years. They are big enough for us to have a comfortable living but not enough money to hire nannies or realistically for me to rent where I am from. (The Bay Area :/) I think there are other jobs a person can do involving music. I was also a musician when we met but of course family takes priority. I think I've had enough of one-sided relationship. If he would resent me then he can keep what's more important to him....sadly his job.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Jun-16 17:56:59

Then you have to move back to the States and let him decide the next step. You need to have support around you.

Women often give up their dream career or put things on hold supporting their man. Tell him your going to be returning home with the kids, because you can't live this way anymore.

Evaandteddy11 Mon 06-Jun-16 18:38:42

Thanks for your input. I really just want to make sure I'm reasonable for feeling this way. He doesn't think so, he acts like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I have questioned myself a lot over the years. I finally called home and told them what was going on and they think I'm perfectly justified to be feeling this way...and why didn't I call sooner...of

SandyY2K Tue 07-Jun-16 00:20:48

Your almost a single parent with him on tour so much. Is he just expecting you to suck it up and manage?

Atenco Tue 07-Jun-16 04:34:04

But, you say you can't afford to rent in the States? I didn't understand that bit. If his work is mostly touring could he not just return to spend his free time with you in the States, indeed of in the UK?

Toomanymarsbars Tue 07-Jun-16 06:25:42

I'd move back honey. Be with your family. My best friend's husband is a musician, the kids and her barely ever see him as he's always, ALWAYS putting him and his precious music before them. It's all about him being able to "live his dream" etc (he can play well, but his genre is extremely limited and he sounds like a girl when he sings so I can't imagine him ever at this stage in his life making it big). You're like a single parent as it is.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Tue 07-Jun-16 06:32:26

Could the family home move to the States so he visits you all there when he isn't touring? That would be an easier decision financially as you only need to maintain one home.

Or do you want to split and make a new home for yourself and your children? In which case will he agree to the kids moving abroad? What would your financial situation be like after a divorce?

HandyWoman Tue 07-Jun-16 07:01:00

If he is so very seldom 'home' I am baffled that he gets to decide where 'home' is confused

Move to the US. Would you be able to stay with relatives until you can get back to work?

Life has to work for the two of you, not just for him. Also please tell your midwife about how things are. They can make sure Heath professionals are all in the loop and keep an eye on you.


Evaandteddy11 Tue 07-Jun-16 09:27:18

Yes, I'm afraid so. He thinks that because there will be several months where he's home. (But doing promo, meetings , rehearsals, recording, or media) that it equals the time someone would be gone a 9/5. Badically he lacks empathy for the situation.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 07-Jun-16 09:29:56

I'd move home in your shoes. It doesn't sound like it would make much difference to how much you see him.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 07-Jun-16 09:30:37

You don't have to end the relationship, but I think you do need to put the ball in his court about whether he is able to compromise at all to make you happy. If he isn't, there's your answer.

Evaandteddy11 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:14:15

We have a mortgage to pay in the UK and couldn't afford it and rent in the Bay Area without me getting a job over there and raising the kids on my own (which I'm willing to try and do). I'm scared to ripe my daughter out of a school she loves and move her to another country. I just want so badly for this not to hurt her. I need to get the ball rolling if I am to do this as there is school, housing, healthcare, and (potentially) a divorce to work out. I'm scared and heart broken to do this with a new baby. But once upon a time I was brave enough to move to the uk and have a baby so hopefully I will find the strength. I'm not a particularly religious person but I've been praying for strength to see me through.
I wrote him a letter saying that I can't go on like this and that I am going to move to Ca with the kids. I said it didn't have to be the end of our marriage but that we would need some serious work. I said I thought he lacked empathy and responsibility for his decisions. I pleaded that he looked in his heart and really thought about what he really wants. Perhaps, being with someone willing to see him through this no matter what, for example. And to be thoughtful in his reply so we might all be happy someday.
He replied, and right out of the gate, he addressed the letter with "Hi" (I spent hours making this letter respectful and considerate, mine began with "dear") in his opening sentence he chooses the lifestyle over me. and there the letter was just thoughtless and inconsiderate. He didn't really address my points and attacked my character saying that I'm unhappy no matter what so why should he quit the band? Basically he has his hands tied because he could never possibly do anything else for work and I'm miserable anyway. But in his next sentence he'll say that he loves me and the kids more than anything? Confusing. .....funny if you ask all my closest friends back home no one would ever think of me as miserable. Very much the opposite. I was the wild adventures girl that loved to socialise and travel and have fun. I try and incorporate that with my daughter and take her in hikes and picnics, bike rides. And I'm happy when I'm with her. But me and husband fight a lot. And usually over his lifestyle. So, the happiest person will shrivel up eventually. .......sorry about the rant. It's just that I really sense this is the end. It's like waking up and seeing the sky falling. My dream was to be a happy family. It might be more than I can handle having this poor baby with us already separated. She doesn't deserve this.

expatinscotland Tue 07-Jun-16 12:40:27

What might become a real issue is if he doesn't want you to take the kids to live in the US. This is the first thing you need to hash out. Divorce involving children of dual nationality can be complicated and I don't know of any state that will grant a decree of divorce without all child custody and support arrangements being in place and satisfactory to the judge. It's not as simple as 'just move back' when you have children of dual nationality. In the UK, it's fairly easy for a mother to just up and leave to another area with the kids, but that's not so in the US.

Do you have to live in the Bay Area? It's one of the most expensive places in the world. This is another thing to consider.

CamembertQueen Tue 07-Jun-16 12:56:03

Agree with expat. You can't just "move back" so your first step would to be to seek legal advice. Understand what your options are and take it from there. Though as he is away so much, I suppose he would rarely see the kids anyway.

Evaandteddy11 Tue 07-Jun-16 15:02:36

I would come to an agreement with him. It wouldn't be forcibly. I am born and raised in the Bay Area and that's where all my friends and family are located. The major reason for wanting to move is for the support. I come from a humble background so a lot of my family rent without extra rooms. I could crash on a sofa but I have two kids (one a newborn) so it would be hard. I might have a friend with a spare room. (Until I can get a place)

expatinscotland Tue 07-Jun-16 15:50:00

I'd see a solicitor who can tell you how your application for divorce would proceed in the UK if you want to apply from here. How long have you been here? If you have a residency visa/ILR this will expire if you leave the UK over a certain length of time (not sure anymore as I have been naturalised here for some years). Try to do some research into how divorce might proceed in CA. Have you kept your CA driving license and/or bank accounts in the US? I go back to my native state, TX, once a year and swapped my CO driving license for a TX one before I left with my parents' address and just keep renewing it so I always have a valid driving license there.

The housing will be tricky but perhaps your spouse would agree to fronting the deposit. He will be compelled to pay child support, too.

There'll be a delay, anyhow, since you can't fly anymore and after the baby arrives, you'll need to get her passports before you go anywhere.

All three of mine were born in the UK, but it's not hard to get them US passports. You just make an appointment at the nearest Consulate/Embassy and bring along your paperwork. They get a SSN and card, too, and a Certificate of Birth Abroad. I found it harder to get their UK passports, tbh, even though they were born here, since citizenship is not jus soli (my husband is Scottish).

I'd use this time to do some research into the practicalities of splitting up as an international couple with dual-national children and into how things will be realistically in CA.

Evaandteddy11 Tue 07-Jun-16 16:26:42

Thanks for the helpful info. I didn't realise I could get divorced from here. Thought I would have to go to court in America. I have been here 6 years. I have a residencey permit I think? I took the citizenship test and passed. My 5 year old has dual citizenship and an American passport so I would do the same for baby. I have UK drivers licence and I'd have to renew my American one. I haven't been for two years to renew it. I didn't keep bank accounts. I was planning on moving back just not this soon! I'm still desperate to fight for the relationship if I can. For all of his stubbornness and inability to take blame I just really can't see myself with anyone else and we can be great together. I just hate the lifestyle. And can't handle fighting about it anymore.

expatinscotland Tue 07-Jun-16 16:35:36

I'm not sure that you can get divorced from there, though, that's what would you'd need to research because I'm not sure what CA's residency rules are. You may be construed of having given up state residency there and/or have to live there a while again. If you let your CA driving license expire you might have to resit the test. I kept two bank accounts there. I came via CO to Scotland, but as my family is in Texas, I left the two accounts open with about 100 bucks in each, and then the first time I went to Texas to visit, I swapped to banks with lots of branches in TX (one is my dad's old employer's credit union).

Next time you go to CA, for whatever reason, it might be a good idea to get a bank account.

It can be tricky to get a lease without things like a driving license, bank accounts, etc.

Also, do look into naturalising. It can make things so much easier. I don't know what the rules are now, because I've been here 14 years now and it used to be quite easy, but if you have perm residence/ILR it won't be such a huge leap to naturalise and well worth it in the long run.

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