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I think I need to leave him

(20 Posts)
LittleRedRiding Sat 30-Apr-16 09:48:55

I'm feeling pretty depressed. I'm a sahm with two dc. My partner doesn't help me much with the dc, they are aged 3 and 1. Every few weeks he takes a day off work but he spends it in his shed, making stuff that he says he will eBay but there's little evidence of much money from this.

He says our relationship is too rocky to get married but we have no shared bank account and I live in his house, I have no claim to it as he didn't want to buy something in joint names when I was working. Every couple of weeks I get really fed up and have a meltdown and then he takes the children out for a couple of hours but doesn't acknowledge me on his return. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling ever, even the day after I've been crying etc. He helps out with housework but basically guilt trips me if I want time 'off' by saying things like 'but surely you don't mind me raking the lawn for an hour?'

I've said to him that it's really cruel and unkind to ignore someone who needs help and is distressed, not least because I'm mother of his children! But it's always excuses 'you didn't ask for help' 'I haven't been in my shed much this month' (when he has, but it's not like I keep a diary of it!)

I can move out but I feel very guilty as the dc have had a really unsettled start to life and the only place I can move is my old flat, which is quite small with only two bedrooms when there are three of us (two dc and me). I'm glad I have that option but my partner is making it very hard for me to leave and still refuses to give me any money (he gave me no money previously either, luckily I have savings from the past and my old flat did have tenants so he argued that was my income).

fuzzywuzzy Sat 30-Apr-16 09:52:29

Move out and put in a claim with child maintenance.

A two bed flat is perfect for you and DC 3 & 1, they can share.

It will be much easier when you're not putting o with and doing chores for an adult man as well.

Have you friends and family? Rally them around and accept support and help from everyone.

RavioliOnToast Sat 30-Apr-16 09:55:44

You know what you need to do. That's no life. I wouldn't want my DCs to grow up up thinking that was a normal relationship either

BieneBiene Sat 30-Apr-16 10:43:41

That sounds really lonely sad

I would go back to your flat.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 10:54:38

what exactly is in the shed ?

Leave him to his "man cave" and go and find a proper life for yourself. You might as well do it now because you are in very vulnerable position. Any time he gets fed up of you insisting you are treated as a human being with equal rights he can turf you out into the street

LittleRedRiding Sat 30-Apr-16 13:16:56

Thanks. The shed is quite large and he's been trying to make furniture in it but after several months he hasn't finished yet...he earns enough from his day job for us to be comfortable, so I find his time consuming hobby really hard, when I've been asking for him to help me with the children for months but he doesn't help. He has no respect for me. I agree I have no security, it puts me in a vulnerable and difficult situation.

I'm scared to leave as he will make it hard but if I do it calmly and methodically hopefully he will be ok about it.

hellsbellsmelons Sat 30-Apr-16 13:34:25

How will he make it hard?
Get your flat sorted and ready for your arrival with the DC.
Get things over there as and when you can.
Then when he's at work you move out and into your own flat with your lovely DC.
It really can be simple although it might not feel like it right now.
You know what you need to do so it's time to start getting it all in place.
Definitely get onto the child support agency and make sure he is supporting his kids.
Do you work out of the home yet?
If not then get an appointment with CAB and find out what you are entitled to in benefits.
Make yourself happy.

Eminado Sat 30-Apr-16 13:37:51

You are really fortunate that you have somewhere to go. Make your plans and go. Your DC will hardly notice as he is not contributing to their lives in any way. You deserve better.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 13:56:03

He is using the shed "activities" to get out of his responsibilities as a partner and as a father

Is there a pc in there ? Does he take his phone/tablet ?

RandomMess Sat 30-Apr-16 14:00:39

How is he making it hard for you to leave?

Give notice on your current tenants.

Is the child benefit in your name? The day you move out, or the day you stop doing any domestic chores for him you phone up and start claiming as a single parent and a claim to CMS for maintenance for the DC of him.

hellsbellsmelons Sat 30-Apr-16 14:18:56

Or does he smoke week in the shed?

LittleRedRiding Sat 30-Apr-16 18:54:52

Thanks. He has a phone in his shed but I suspect he goes there because it's more his thing than family life, he's totally disinterested in days out/ spending time with dc etc.

Luckily the tenants had already moved from my flat so it's sitting ready for us to move into. He has said we can't move as the tenants damaged the bathroom but I'm going to be phoning plumbers on Tuesday to get it fixed it's not a major job. I'm looking for a job as was made redundant from last one.

He's also very secretive with his phone, won't tell me the code or let me use it (this came up by chance when I needed to make a call a few months ago) so I suspect he's hiding something/cheating.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 30-Apr-16 18:58:40

Another man who sees children as less of a commitment than marriage sad.

OP, do what is best for you and I'm sure it will be best for your little children.

Sallyingforth Sat 30-Apr-16 19:03:46

It may not seem so now, but you are very fortunate. Unlike many women in your position you have somewhere safe to move to.
If your children will haven't yet noticed how unhappy you are and how unbalanced this relationship is, they inevitably will when they are older. Move out this week.

Atenco Sun 01-May-16 05:05:50

I think you will also enjoy your children more once you are away from this poor excuse for a father. I was lucky enough to already have split up from my ex before I realised I was pregnant and I really enjoy my dd when she was small. But I know that if I had stayed with him I would not have, as his attitude that it was not his job, but women's work would have made me resent looking after the baby.

BugPlaster Sun 01-May-16 06:35:16

Glad you have somewhere to go. I can imagine just getting into your own space without his presence will be comforting.
Pp is right, 2 beds will be fine.

sunnyoutside Sun 01-May-16 07:15:04

Get out Get out Get out

Life has so much more to offer you than what you are tolerating now - an existence, not a life. Don't waste anymore time - I did and honestly, looking back I wish I hadn't. I wasted years. Don't be me.

flowers

LondonKitty Sun 01-May-16 07:26:30

Leave him. He's a complete arse and you will be happier without. Your DC will be fine in the flat.

Agree, you are very lucky to have somewhere to go. Good luck!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-May-16 07:35:10

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This individual is no partner to you and you and he need to be apart asap. He is simply dragging you and your children in turn down with him.

Move back to the flat as soon as you are able to do so. Your children will thank you.

hellsbellsmelons Sun 01-May-16 07:54:17

I hope a plumber can get that sorted out for you
Then you can be free this knob head

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