Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I fix my marriage / myself. So desperate.

(16 Posts)
feelinginthedark Sat 23-Apr-16 01:58:52

DH and I have been fighting constantly for what feels like forever. Things are always so stressful, young kids, no sleep, work is crazy for both of us, constant juggling, no money, have had to move 4 times in the last 5 years for work (his) blah blah blah. Sometimes we truly hate each other. But our lives are just coming together and there is light at the end of the tunnel in terms of practical stability, finances, kids sleeping better etc. A few weeks ago I realised that he really really disliked me, for the first time. I had done something silly with the baby and the look of disgust on his face was shocking. Since then I have really tried to change my attitude, I realised that this is my marriage, I want to make it work. I have been trying to be more affectionate, have sex more, be less naggy. But this evening we had a row and he has now left the house. This is pretty much the first time he has done this. I don't think he has 'left', I know he's gone to meet a friend and vent. What is scary is that he no longer seems to want to try to make it work. The row was over me asking him to go for a run early tomorrow morning rather than later, as we have a day out planned with friends. And he exploded. And left. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that he doesn't want to make it work any more. During a previous bad patch I had suggested couples counselling and he said that if his marriage was bad enough to need counselling, then he didn't want to be in it. I'm really scared that my marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do want to make this work.

GraysAnalogy Sat 23-Apr-16 02:12:48

You did the adult thing and accepted that there were problems and suggested counselling. If he's going to write that off then he's an idiot. Your counter to his reply should have been well if it;s worth saving then surely you would try?

If he isn't willing to even do that for you OP, then I think it's too far gone. But that could have just been a spur of the moment response. Have you managed to both just sit down and speak about things or has it just built up and built up?

Also you shouldn't have to have sex more to make a marriage work, especially if he isn't willing to go to counselling. Why should you be willing to give your body but he isn't willing to sit down and talk? I know that sounds harsh but do you think thats got a bit of truth in it?

It seems like you're doing all the trying and making all the effort. You deserve to have that reciprocated

loobieloo32 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:00:40

sad the part where you said you realised he dislikes you made me feel so sad for you op, you deserve to feel loved and cherished, not jumping through hoops trying to make a petulant man-child like you again sad

This next part will sound harsh, but if he has decided he doesn't want to invest in your marriage and work at it, there is pretty much nothing you can do about it. Working through bad times has to be joint and reciprocal, give and take on both sides. You owe each other this-and if he isn't prepared to do that, he doesn't deserve you.

The storming out may be his way of cooling off, when did he come back? It was an over reaction, but when people argue sometimes they are like coiled springs and the slightest thing can get huge, illogical reactions. I am not accusing him, he is in an adult relationship and should behave like it, but we all lose it occasionally.

Wait until you have both cooled off before attempting to talk . If he isn't prepared to work at it, then you deserve better. Hold on to that.

loobieloo32 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:01:36

*excusing not accusing lol

Choceeclair123 Sat 23-Apr-16 20:09:38

I think if I were you I'd take a big step back and just let things be for the time being. Stop trying to fix things just give it some time. Leave him be and give yourselves some space. Sometimes the more you try to fix things the worse it gets.

Iflyaway Sat 23-Apr-16 20:34:48

have sex more, be less naggy

baby kids

have had to move 4 times in the last 5 years for work (his)

No wonder you're exhausted....and fed up! As the classic MN saying is "What are you getting out of this relationship right now?"

The sooner you offload him the better your life will be. ! and your kids growing up, eventually

inastew Sat 23-Apr-16 20:57:28

Enjoy the peace and quiet while he is out.....

tribpot Sat 23-Apr-16 21:09:29

I'm scared that he doesn't want to make it work any more.

I'm not sure when you last had the impression that he wanted to make it work anyway? You haven't mentioned anything he's done to make you feel valued in the relationship? You asked a perfectly reasonable question tonight and he's stormed off in a massive huff to make you feel that you have been 'naggy' (a horrendous, sexist term) and in the wrong.

You want to make it work, there's no evidence he does. And it takes two. Personally I'd be quite glad to get away from such an unappreciative, immature, rude fuckwit but I appreciate it is rather more complicated than that.

springydaffs Sun 24-Apr-16 00:13:58

I had suggested couples counselling and he said that if his marriage was bad enough to need counselling, then he didn't want to be in it.

This attitude drives me nuts. Marriages don't work like magic, sometimes there are tough, tough times. Just like you'd keep a piano tuned or your body fit, same with marriage: if something is going wrong you take it to an expert.

I'm sure you agree.

If he honestly thinks marriage is supposed to be a breeze, give or take, then he needs to grow up a bit. And guess what: on top of all the stresses he has faced it is YOU who carried those babies and have birth to them. So if anybody has a right to be getting sulky and feeling hard done by it's you.

Understandable to feel the need to be compliant to placate him - but please don't.

springydaffs Sun 24-Apr-16 00:15:04

Do you /does he know anybody older or longer married who could sit him down and spell it out that marriage can be tough sometimes.

AmyAmoeba Sun 24-Apr-16 01:56:26

You saw his dislike for you and you are doing everything you can think of to make him like you again.
The problem with what you are doing is that if it doesn't work and he still dislikes you, you will be crushed utterly.
But it's your marriage and you feel you have to give it your all? You have to try whatever it takes to save it? Because you owe it to yourself and your children, right?

Deep breath

Visualise if you can the marriage/life that you want. Is it one with a partner who respects you, who loves, cherishes and supports you? Who cuts you slack when your tired and frazzled with the kids? Whose first thought when you're grumpy isn't a nasty comeback but to wonder what he can do to make you less stressed.
Think about what you actually want your marriage to be.

That is the relationship that you should put all your energy into.

And sorry to be so blunt but you won't get it by prostituting yourself. You get it by holding your head high and knowing you deserve all of that. You deserve it when you're sweet and affectionate and willing in bed, and you deserve it when you're tired and grumpy and tearful, and you still deserve it when you are half crazy with sleep deprivation or worrying about a sick child, or you have puke in your hair and haven't showered in three days. You deserve it.

If he can't deliver and you're willing to lower your standards, that's fine too as long as you remember that he is lucky that you put up with him.

When you dance around trying to make him love you, you run a serious risk of feeding his contempt for you. Please don't show him pathetic gratitude when he comes back or you will be giving him terrible power over you.

On the other hand if you stand tall and proud, and act like you value yourself you stand a far better chance of gaining his respect and affection. I know it's counter intuitive and you may have to fake it at first. If you try and the relationship fails you will still have your self respect.

How dare he walk out on you? How dare he disrespect you?
When he comes home remember that HE is the one who should be grateful if you are willing to take him back.

flowers for you because you're worth it.

springydaffs Sun 24-Apr-16 02:01:26

But marriage is can be haaaard. In years to come he may be ashamed of how he was during these hard years.

yes, hold your head up. But give yourselves some space, too. It's not unusual to 'hate' your partner at very tough times.

Baconyum Sun 24-Apr-16 02:05:06

Is he military by any chance?

Basing this on the frequent moves, aversion to counselling, your feeling more sex will help...

catbasilio Sun 24-Apr-16 11:49:22

My husband was like this and well... today he is moving out. I really liked Amys post. I tried to make him like me with more sex, less nagging.. while I knew he was explicitly texting to some girls...
None of my effort made a substantial difference I must admit. He happily accepted more sex but as soon as I was too tired everything went back to his usual self.
He still tells me is all my fault that he has to go. He will not accept his fault. It hurts terribly but I have to stand tall and proud. I secretly hope that he will regret not putting an effort one day; but I doubt this will happen.
It takes 2 to work on the marriage...

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 24-Apr-16 16:24:35

If he dislikes you then it is already over.

Do you like him?

Hillfarmer Sun 24-Apr-16 16:29:28

Good luck catbasilioo. It's really tough when you've done everything you can, they've done nothing, but it's still all somehow 'your fault'. Yes, stand tall and proud. Dignity is precious and you have yours. I am sure he will one day regret being a toe-rag, but he will never admit it to you either!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now