Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

trapped friend?

(125 Posts)
airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 20:15:52

About a month ago I met up with a male friend I have known for some time. Just before the meeting he had told me via email he was getting married in the summer, which I had already guessed would be happening this year so had fully expected to hear this news.

When we were talking he was obviously not happy; his fiancee was on holiday that week and he hadn't gone with her as he thought the holiday was too expensive. He also complained about having to pay for an engagement ring and also about having to contribute financially towards the wedding (his fiancee's parents had given them some money for a deposit on the flat they now live in so he was therefore expected to cough up for the wedding).

He also said that his fiancee is not interested in discussing his work problems, and is generally too focused on her very demanding career to have time for him. We used to work together, so I know the people involved and am able to advise him and be understanding.

He has always been able to confide in me, and there is a definite attraction between us that we have never acted on although he has previously hinted that he would like to take things further. We are extremely compatible and have a great connection but I'm a lot older than him and hardly marriage material!

So, I was left firstly feeling quite concerned about him, as he had previously told me he felt trapped. I'm worried that he is marrying this woman for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, I just feel so jealous, although I try to rationalise the situation, I can't bear to think of them together and seeing a photo of them together just about kills me.

Part of me thinks he's asking me for help but I don't know what to say to him, beyond asking if he really wants to go through with the wedding...or should I just protect myself and not see him at all?

TIA for your thoughts!

Backtoblackcoffee Thu 24-Mar-16 20:21:34

Really he's just trying to get in your pants - sorry might as well say it how it is. Lucky her.

Smoochnmoveon Thu 24-Mar-16 20:22:12

I'm sorry to be so blunt but if he hasn't expressly said anything then he at best is just offloading and at worst knows you fancy him and just wants to get a bit of attention from you.

If people want you to make your feelings known or intervene somehow, they are much more obvious than he is being

InaMay Thu 24-Mar-16 20:24:07

I started reading this waiting for the part where there was an 'attraction' between you two... And there it is.

I'm not sure what help you could give him exactly? He's a grown man, making a decision to marry this woman. I'm sure he's big and bold enough to help himself out of this if that's what he wants. I doubt there are any guns being held to any heads.

The best thing you can do is help yourself. Avoid him and what will potentially become a very hurtful and damaging situation for you if you continue to become over invested.

I'm sorry for you. I understand the feelings of wanting someone you can't have, I really do. But this has heartbreak written all over it and part of me thinks you're seeing things that may not be there because you are hankering after him.

corythatwas Thu 24-Mar-16 20:29:34

I would steer well clear here.

You say you are not marriage material but personally I would have my doubts about a guy who sits around complaining to his female confidante about having to contribute to his own wedding. If he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't love her, he needs to tell her so. But whining about her on the eve of his marriage .... it really doesn't sound good...

When he complains about her being too focused on her career and not interested in discussing his work problems, have you ever asked what he does to support her with her work problems?

He sounds like a have-your-cake-and-eat-it type.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Thu 24-Mar-16 20:35:29

He's complaining about having to pay for his own wedding? Who did he think was going to pay?

You need to step away.

He's not reaching out to you to rescue him. He fancies a bit of extra curricular and knows you like him.

That's all.

mum2mum99 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:49:43

you sound very naïve!

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 20:56:45

I actually feel a bit sorry for his fiancee; if my husband-to-be talked to another woman about me in that way I would really be having second thoughts about the whole thing!

Looking at it objectively, and quite apart from any feelings I may have for him, surely it would be a mistake for him to go ahead with the wedding and even to continue with the relationship if that's how he feels?

Waltermittythesequel Thu 24-Mar-16 20:59:27

I'm sure he's not telling her that's how he feels.

What is it with these threads lately?

corythatwas Thu 24-Mar-16 20:59:49

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 20:56:45

"Looking at it objectively, and quite apart from any feelings I may have for him, surely it would be a mistake for him to go ahead with the wedding and even to continue with the relationship if that's how he feels"

I'd say, from what you have told us about him it would be a mistake for her to go ahead with the wedding. But it is not your job to tell her that.

Just make sure you don't get yourself mixed up with this sorry specimen of a man: there has got to be better blokes out there.

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:00:24

Not sure why I sound naïve?

Backtoblackcoffee Thu 24-Mar-16 21:00:28

What Walter said.

SecretsAndStuff21 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:15:03

What a whingey, whiney entitled little man !
I suggest you jump his bones at the earliest opportunity; tell the fiancé ; and spare her a lifetime of misery with this 'orrible little shit.

On a more serious note, you, need to back off .
It really is only a matter of time before he uses this ( unoriginal ) script to hit on another woman.

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:16:15

just to clarify; by trapped I mean that he is trapped financially as they have bought a house together thanks to her parents' money.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Thu 24-Mar-16 21:21:24

Well he's not trapped then, is he? The house has been bought with her parents money.

If he isn't happy, he can walk away. To be honest, it's actually none of your business. And no, even though he has told you about, it's still none of your business.

mum2mum99 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:22:16

He is not taking responsibility for anything! It is either a game and sleeping with you is the prize, or he is a total coward who rather marry a girl he does not love because selling the house is too complicated. Not a catch but great big massive red flags!

SecretsAndStuff21 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:22:54

Ah so the poor babe is trapped; had to buy an engagement ring??
Such hardship, I don't suppose his fiancé contributes a single penny to the household.
Oh how my heart bleeds!
( yes it seems there are a lot of these threads at the 'mo)

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Mar-16 21:24:21

If the house has been boiught with her dps'' money he's not 'trapped' financially or in any other way as he can sign it over to her and walk away with exactly what he put into it, which would appear to be zero.

Otherwise, exactly what StayAwake said:

You need to step away.

He's not reaching out to you to rescue him. He fancies a bit of extra curricular and knows you like him.

And you would be naive to believe anything else.

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:29:52

By sharing his feelings with me he has kind of made it my business though, and he's a friend. If a female friend told me she was having second thoughts about a relationship I would be equally concerned.

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:32:56

Or are you all saying he is actually NOT having doubts at all and is just fibbing to get into my knickers?

He actually looked as though he was crying or going to when he was talking to me...

Backtoblackcoffee Thu 24-Mar-16 21:35:42

Into knickers I'm afraid. Heard it all before.

corythatwas Thu 24-Mar-16 21:37:47

Could you just explain how buying a house with her parents' money would mean he is trapped?

pictish Thu 24-Mar-16 21:38:05

My thoughts?
He's shallow, tight-fisted, self-centred and disloyal.
Bets on he'd soon be whinging about you to the next lady friend.

SecretsAndStuff21 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:40:29

Walk away love, you are going to make an almighty tit of yourself.
He doesn't love you or have any deep feelings for you because if he did he would have left his relationship by now,
He is looking for any port in a storm in which to hide the sausage.
Are you flattered by this notion?

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:41:51

The only way they could afford to buy is by her parents helping out with the deposit. He wouldn't be able to buy on his own if they separated and sold this house.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now