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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP lost his shit with DS this morning...

108 replies

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:09

I have three DC (5, 7 and 10). Ex h and I are divorced.

DP and I have lived together for 18 months.

Ex h is a very hands on dad, always clowning around and cuddling. DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.

DS 7 who is normally a very placid kind child has been whining a lot lately and bickering with his younger brother, this often ends in whacking each other and someone crying. He isn't really fond of DP.

Last night DC were telling me that DP has favourites and he doesn't like DS 5. DS 7 said yes, I can whack my younger brother as hard as I like and DP says I just tapped him and he's crying for nothing....

I brought this up when we were all eating last night. DP got cross with DS 7 and said its not true he doesn't have favourites.

At 7am this morning the boys start bickering. DS 7 hits DS 5 really hard. DP hears this and starts bellowing at DS 7, who starts crying as he's scared if DP.

All DC are now glum, I feel glum and depressed and DP is at work.

In DP's defence he has developed a severe back problem, is in a lot of pain and awaiting surgery.

OP posts:

Report

Marchate · 09/03/2016 09:13

The back problem is NO REASON for unkindness towards a child

For their sakes you must listen to the alarm bells that are ringing very loudly

MajesticWhine · 09/03/2016 09:16

Well your DS deserved a telling off so I wouldn't blame your DP. we all lose our shit sometimes (well most of us) whether we like it or not. Do you or your DP ever have one on one time with any of the DC? That might help build better relationships.
I don't think bringing up the favouritism issue over dinner was the right thing to do, just talk to your DP in private.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 09/03/2016 09:18

I'm shocked that you would live with someone that your son wasn't keen on for 18 months. (Siblings don't count.)

Your p may have overreacted when the boys squabbled because of what was said last night.

How do you normally deal with your sons squabbling and hitting? I'd be furious if my children were hitting their sibling really hard- doubly so if I'd been woken up by another squabbling match.

What does your ds1 have to say about his recent behaviour? Sibling squabbling pisses me off too.

fluffypenguinbelly · 09/03/2016 09:18

You have a man living in your house that isn't very close to your children and your oldest son is scared of.

pictish · 09/03/2016 09:19

Why on earth have you made your son live with someone who isn't arsed about him and who he is not fond of?

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 09/03/2016 09:19

The back problem is only an issue if he got up to deal with the boys and you were still in bed or something.

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:20

DP doesn't often get involved with raising the DC. He will tell them off if they have done something particularly badly behaved but not often.

Before his back problems really set in he would play with them everyday after work and help them make or do things.

He's on morphine for the pain and surgery in two weeks.

OP posts:

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:22

DS 7 said he feels DP doesn't like him because he doesn't play with him anymore. I have explained he can't run and jump around at the moment and is in a lot of pain.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/03/2016 09:22

Uh huh - but again, why have you made your son live with someone that cba with him and who he is not fond of?

museumum · 09/03/2016 09:22

So you all as a family accused him of favouriting the younger. I don't really think that was the best idea.

Why don't you sit with him in private and say "why does older push your buttons? He's no worse behaved than younger" agree a way forward when older hits younger.
Maybe your dp felt bullied by an older sibling when he was young? Or maybe your younger is more like him?
Either way this is for you and your dp to discuss in private. Not for you and your boys to air with Hamas is you're ganging up.

Chippednailvarnish · 09/03/2016 09:22

Welcome to MN op, your family set up sounds pretty miserable for your DS. Imagine how you would feel bing forced to live with someone you don't like.

whatdoIget · 09/03/2016 09:24

You live with someone that your children are scared of?

Mondrian · 09/03/2016 09:26

Obviously lots of issues to sort out such as why a "placid & kind DC 7" talks about whacking DC 5 "as hard as he likes" and then follows through with it the next morning!

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:27

They are scared of him if he shouts, but then they are scared of me when I shout and also ex h if he shouts.

OP posts:

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:28

Actually, I'm not sure if they are that scared of me when I shout, although they do listen, but then they know me a lot better.

OP posts:

Mondrian · 09/03/2016 09:29

As for DP - stick only works if there is also a carrot!

Your children will develop behaviour problems if they just get his harshness without the love - you need to make him aware of that.

UmbongoUnchained · 09/03/2016 09:30

Why are you making your children live with someone they don't like? Dont be surprised if when they are old enough they don't bother with you anymore. My dad married someone who I hated and she hated me and now I haven't spoken to him for 5 years.

pictish · 09/03/2016 09:31

DP is much quieter and more serious, he's not very close to my DC.
He isn't really fond of DP.

Stop with the bad back excuses and minimising. You have got a problem on your hands in that your dp is 'not very close' with your children yet feels entitled to bellow at them. Your son doesn't like him.
Why is he living with your children?

Didiusfalco · 09/03/2016 09:32

Your DS doesnt like him? He doesnt treat your DS's fairly. Doesnt have a very good relationship with them.

Get a grip - of course youre feeling glum! Stop putting your need for a relationship above your sons need for a stable and happy family life. It doesnt sound like your dp brings anything to the table where your boys are concerned.

pictish · 09/03/2016 09:33

I mean if he cba to build a caring relationship with your kids, he sure as fuck doesn't get to bellow at them...right? Why do you allow this?

DafferDill · 09/03/2016 09:34

They did like DP before his health problems, but now he can't play the same way as is in pain/on heavy pain killers the relationship has been affected.

We spoke about it the other week and DP has been really trying, I have also explained the situation to DC.

Really hoping the operation will help.

OP posts:

lookoutitsapiano · 09/03/2016 09:34

Poor things. Don't make them like with a man they don't like and are scared of. You're setting them up for some serious issues.

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TheFlyingFauxPas · 09/03/2016 09:35

I wouldn't have a partner my ds didn't like. I certainly wouldn't live with him. How the hell can a dp live in the same house as kids but not be involved 😞

SugarMiceInTheRain · 09/03/2016 09:35

You said your DP is not very close to your DC and that your DS is not fond of him. All your DC agree that your DP has favourites. Your DS is scared of him. All of these phrases leaped out at me from your OP. I think you seriously need to rethink your living situation. Regardless of pain that your DP might be experiencing, I think the whole setup sounds unfair on your children.

That said, in this situation, I don't think your DP was unreasonable to get cross at a 7 year old for hitting his brother hard.

Secretlove · 09/03/2016 09:37

So he has been living with your family for 18 months but is 'not close' to your children. What kind of set-up is that for any of you?

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