Breaking nc with my dm?

[Dirtydishwater33]

Can we talk about how this might happen & what might be the consequences? Over a decade nc on my part & I never regretted it. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a mum but not how it used to be. Now she's made contact & I'm not sure what to do? Do I risk my mental peace? Am I supposed to just list my grievances in a letter? Meeting is too much right now. Anyone else done this & had a successful outcome? I think you call them flying monkey's? I've had one of those swing into my life recently (delicately) So I think there've been discussions back in my old family.

[pocketsaviour]

Did her letter apologise or accept responsibility in any way?

[Sleepybunny]

Is this the first time DM has tried to contact you in all that time? What is the reason fir her to get back in touch?

Also I think it very much depends on why you went nc in the first place.

it must be hard not to have the relationship you want with her

[Dirtydishwater33]

Yes the letter did contain an apology although she doesn't really know what she's apologising for specifically as I didn't spell it out. She knows things were difficult at times though. I was abandoned to a paedo father at 8, she walked out. I never held that against her though, she did what she needed to at the time. What I held against her were the many times through my life since when she let me down. For instance when I got married she was very mardy & badly behaved & when I arrived home from honeymoon there was a letter on the doormat telling me my wedding day was the worst day of her life & I had my gran to thank she bothered to turn up at all! In my book appalling behaviour.

[ricketytickety]

Why would she have changed?

[Dirtydishwater33]

I have no idea why now? But I have been through some massive changes & news may have drifted her way.

[Dirtydishwater33]

Rickety, do you think she's had time to reflect & now regrets past behaviour?

[Humble314]

Wow... you dont owe her sh1t

[sayatidaknama]

Do you actually want to be in contact with her again? Or do you just think you should be (guilt)?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How and why has she made contact?. Why now?.

I would ignore her letter if this was sent and maintain your no contact stance particularly as you have never regretted going no contact with her.
She has not really apologised nor has taken any responsibility for her actions.

Such people like your mother do not change.

[Dirtydishwater33]

I would love to have a nurturing, doting mum. I think she always thought she was. On some small trivial levels we had pockets of 'nice'. But they were only pockets. Do you think she's had therapy & is now in a better place?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such people rarely if ever seek the necessary help and I would very much doubt she has ever had therapy.

You are happy with the no contact position you have; I would keep it that way too. You owe your mother precisely nothing.

[NameChange30]

OMG no. I'm sorry but she's never going to be the mum you want and need her to be. Please stay no contact. And it's OK to mourn the mum you never had.

[NameChange30]

That was supposed to be , sorry!

[Dirtydishwater33]

She made contact in a brief letter. Why now? Either because she's heard about my life-changing events & thinks 'now's the time' or she's waited long enough & genuinely wants to reach out. Either is possible but I'm tempted to believe the latter. I think this is a real make or break point; consider the possibility or bin it forever. I have relished the freedom when others complain of the burden of aging parents but on the odd occasion I remember it ia sad. I don't really feel pain over it though. My decision to go nc was brewing for years.

[sayatidaknama]

Yes she may have had therapy and be in a better place but you have to think about you in all of this. What do you want. Don't do anything out of guilt or a sense of obligation. I'm in a similar position and I still don't really have any advice. It's so tricky to know what to do.

[NameChange30]

"Yes the letter did contain an apology although she doesn't really know what she's apologising for specifically as I didn't spell it out."

You shouldn't have to spell it out. If she had been to therapy and really changed, she would be able to recognise what she did wrong and apologise for it. She hasn't done that. I'm sorry but what she did to you is very hard to forgive, and completely unforgivable without a full and heartfelt apology, as well as a genuine change in behaviour (even then it would still be very hard to forgive).

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I sometimes think it would be nice to have a mum

Just remember, you won't get A mum, you'll get YOUR mum. The person that you went NC with, she may have changed but chances are she won't have changed that much.

I am NC with the MIL (14 years), DH didn't speak to her for the first 3 years but now maintains phone contact (she calls him at work once a week, he answers every 2/3 weeks). It isn't 'successful' as such, and DH does sometimes regret re-establishing contact. However, knowing how aggressive she became the first time we went NC, it wouldn't be worth going through it again for the sake of a 5 minute phone call twice a month but we do still talk about moving and not giving her our address

I don't know what I'm saying really, just don't rush into anything and have realistic expectations. Oh, and don't do it just for the sake of a flying monkey (they'll have their own agenda, even if they don't realise it).

[sayatidaknama]

But unless you break the nc how do you find out if she's really changed/sorry? Just wondering, not arguing.

[PitPatKitKat]

Will share this in case it helps. I had been NC with my dad since childhood in a very messy way, had some contact in young adulthood to after he got in touch with me over Friends Reunited, saw I had left home as I was working in a different city. At that time I wondered if it was worth trying again, as it had been 20 years.

There was no real apology, no taking responsibility for what he'd done, lots of trash talking about my mum (who had many faults and issues let's be clear, but he said some horrible things about her that he had no sense saying to any blood relation of hers). There was also a lot of tryign to force the same behaviours and patterns that had led to the breakdown of our realtionship when I was little.

So that was brief and I went NC again in full knowledge that the right thing had happened when I was child. It did underline in my mind that the door had to stay firmly closed.

When my mum died he got in touch again.

I reckon he got in touch with me after my mum died because he thought I would be vulnerable enough to be open to an approach (he had this idea that the NC was all my mum's fault, nothing to do with his behaviour and she had poisoned me against him). There was something really premeditated about how he did it, like he had been waiting to hear this news for while. That somehow waiting for my mum to die that was a better chance at reconciliation than saying sorry and making amends as soon as he could.

So he thought the coast was clear after she died. I'd didn't take him up on it. In fact, I found it was done so cynically that it hardened my resolve. prior to that, I had thought that if he'd gotten in touch at some point saying I only have a short while to live, I wouldn't have had the heart to refuse contact then. Now I would do so without hesitation.

[pocketsaviour]

If you had been to therapy and it had made you realise how badly you had treated someone and you now wanted to see if you could repair the relationship, your letter would say so.

I think she's just hoovering you and you are in for a world of pain and losing your hard-won peace if you give her another chance to hurt you.

I hear you on wishing you had a nice num. I'm NC with my mum. It's sad. But you don't have a nice mum and she won't change for you wishing it.

[Aspergallus]

No one can answer your questions OP.

Yes, she might have had therapy and taken responsibility for her actions, or at least be ready to..

No, she might be just the same and has gotten in touch because she's hoping you've gotten "over it".

Why not tread carefully with some letters to and from first and decide then if there's any future relationship possible? But if you already have the answer to that from her first communication to you...well stay NC?

[SevenOfNineTrue]

Why not reply by letter telling her everything you feel. It sounds like she is the type of person who needs things spelt out. Maybe it would be cathartic for you?

If she responds in a good way, then you know she has changed and you can consider next steps. If she turns nasty, you know that nothing had changed and you can re-establish nc.

Good luck.

[NameChange30]

sayati
"But unless you break the nc how do you find out if she's really changed/sorry? Just wondering, not arguing."
Firstly, people like this are very unlikely to change, or acknowledge and apologise for the wrong they've done.
Secondly, if she really was sorry, she would have explained why.

[NameChange30]

Seven
"Why not reply by letter telling her everything you feel."
Because that requires emotional energy the OP might not have or be willing to give.
And because it gives her mum more ammunition and opportunity to hurt her.

[SuperFlyHigh]

I'll give my mum's experiences with her own DM. they wer never really NC but their relationship during my DGM's third marriage was increasingly strained whenever my mum went to see her due to a lifestyle choice and who she hung out with (she went through a lesbian phase and had a lesbian partner as well as being married to my step grandfather (they lived apart but in a 2 next door houses).

My mum found things extremely strained and I think at one point wanted to go NC but realised this may not be right and wanted a relationship there and for us GC.

I do recall when my mum was mid 70s maybe 80 and onward my nana mellowed and also when her partner died (same time and she'd got divorced from her husband who'd died too) things got easier and it was easier for my mum to develop a much closer relationship with her mum.

There wasn't the abuse you speak of but there was the occasional slanging matches and rows (when my nana was younger) and my nana I believe did apologise and was truly sorry. I think she mellowed in her old age.

The times (must've been when my nana was 50 onwards) when it was bad it was bad, my mum was seeing aspects (parties) where her own mum (my nana) was behaving quite wildly and out of character and she was alien to the mother she (my mum) knew.

I think if you really wanted to, you could test the waters to see if she'd had therapy etc and if not you could stay NC. At least it would lay to rest the "what if" you must be thinking and feeling.