Flying monkeys

[Chamonix1]

It's been 10 days since either me or dp have had contact with his toxic parents, of which we have had a huge bust up with, due to dp making 1 almost negative comment to his mother and his father going crazy over it because she cried all day, thus resulting in an angry fil at the door at 8.30 at night whilst we had friends round telling dp that he had "upset his mother" blah blah blah and she was destraught blah blah blah. Basically I lost it and told fil they need to back off and that dp had hardly said anything worth all the drama and he was an adult who has an opinion; so what?
Fil then took it further telling me to wind my neck in, asking me if I'd taken all my "medication", telling me to watch out and throwing the whole "blood is thicker than water" crap at me. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty blunt with him and told him dp feels trodden on by him and his wife, that we have tried beyond belief to get along with them and that it was never enough, I got upset and I cried whilst fil laughed at me telling me I was crazy.
Dp then told his farther via email he wasn't welcome at our wedding, very simply that he didn't feel it was appropriate considering how little he thought of his future wife etc, fil responded being all nicely saying it was up to dp, but he should think carefully about his decision to marry me, referring back to the things I said to fil. He genuinely believed that because I had had 1 fall out with him that dp would leave me!
Now we have in laws next door neighbour calling up telling us that dps parents are very "disappointed" and asking to come round and speak to dp, of which he's allowed!
I'm devestated that this is continuing and that it's only taken 10 days for this to happen, how predictable. Dp feels he needs to stick up for me so people don't believe what his parents are telling them, I feel it's pointless and defending ourselves in this situation will get us nowhere, his parents are using these people as a tactic to et to dp.
I'm fuming, I feel like ringing the in laws up to tell them to stop involving other people in it but I know it'll get me nowhere.
What do I do? Right now I just want to move house!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Both his parents are toxic and his dad is a combination of bystander, enabler and hatchet man to his wife. He being weak also needs someone to idolise i.e. his wife.

Ignore the next door neighbour and cut all contact with such a person. If they are calling you block their number from your phone; you have no need to speak to them at all. Why this person at all feels a need to be involved is beyond me; this person is certainly not acting in your interests but in theirs alone. You are correct; this person is being used as a flying monkey by his toxic parents to get back at him and by turn you.

Do not contact his parents at all; that is what they want because the contact is the reward. You both need to be completely no contact with them. They also need to be blocked from your e-mail account.

How would your man feel about cutting all contact now with his parents?.

Moving house and leaving no forward address is an option going forward.

Remember too that they are and were not good parents to him. They will not be good grandparent figures either.

I would suggest he reads Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward and you read Toxic Inlaws by the same author.

[Chamonix1]

The next door neighbour is also dp's godfather and his wife dp's godmother, they've known dp all his life and had a big part in his upbringing. Dp doesn't want to lose contact with them, I don't blame him- they are lovely people.
I don't know why they think it has anything to do with them though, well I do- because mil has made them feel it's got something to do with them and made them feel like they need someone to still up for them in all this.
Dp is done with his parents and wants them out of his life- he though got he had achieved this and now they are sending people round to try and get information out of us, why would they involve people in their problems like this? Dp's father was not only rude but actually threatening to me, yet none of my family have got involved like the neighbours have.
The fact they feel "dissapointed" in dp and I makes me furious because they should be ashamed of their own behaviour, honestly they have never respected their son, not as an adult or as a parent.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No they are not lovely people at all if they are overinvesting like this towards their godson and by turn you. This is not their concern so should back off; they are indeed flying monkeys. Doing the donkey work for his mother at your overall expense shows them simply acting in their own interests, they have never considered your man in all this at all.

Ultimately his godparents and all his side of the family need to be cut off. None of them bring anything nice into your lives.

Such toxic people like his parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. The "normal" rules of familial relations completely goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families like your man's.

I hope he can set himself free from them ultimately.

[Chamonix1]

I guess it depends if his godfather is coming over to hear dp's side of the story and comport him or if he's coming over to get information and pass on- I believe his godfather has been manipulated by my in laws, I have never seen a side to them I dislike they've got far more respect for dp than his parents ever have an regularly express that my in laws are hard work.
Dp feels he needs to convince his godparents that we aren't in the wrong here, I however couldn't care less what they think or chose to believe.

[DontMindMe1]

i would use this opportunity to let dp 'give his side' like he wants to. Then make sure dp tells them that he doesn't want them involved in this any further. You both need to set your boundaries down with them clearly.

Then at the first sign of overstepping them you switch to the consequence - going low or no contact. You and dp need to discuss how to handle this properly before they come over.

[Chamonix1]

Dp really does want to give his side as he doesn't want his parents alienating Him or me. He's concerned they'll spread a rather one sided version of events and being an only child with little family he really doesn't want to lose contact with the few close people in his life- unfortunately they are all close to his parents too.
I'm concerned that dps godfather will go back and tell dps parents, I've heard him drop dps parents in it with dp before, saying something to do that his parents have said about him, I do hope he's not coming for that reason.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

I wouldn't just cut off the godparents-they sound nice. Equally, no one needs to tell them all the ins and outs. They are probably quite naive about what it has been like for your DP over the years.

All he really needs to tell them is that the doorstep confrontation is not the only problem, various problems have been going on for years and he has come to a considered decision to cut contact. Also, this is not a situation where a go-between can really help, and his godparents need to accept that.

[Chamonix1]

No, I'm not so sure ccutting them off is a good idea either. Although we will never be able to round theirs anymore with dps parents being just next door.
I think in some ways dp needs to be able to tell someone other than me what his parents have been like to him but I do worry it'll just cause even more drama.
We get married in 3 weeks and I'm personally on verge of a breakdown whilst dp just seems happy to have his parents out of his life.
It's like mil is still getting her way, all this stress and drama just before the wedding, I thought it was done with when dp told them not to come but still It continues.
Mil and fil have done a great job convincing people we are th ones in the wrong, so most of dp's family won't come to the wedding now, it's such a shame.

[howtorebuild]

Shame for the. Not you.

[Nonnainglese]

More fool them if dp's relatives listen to mil, have they told you they're not coming or is it the mil?

If the godparents are merely going to feed everything back to the inlaws then perhaps do just needs to say that if anything is discussed then it is on the understanding that it does not go back to them.

[Chamonix1]

the people we have invited to the wedding on dp's side are literally 3 couples of which are close friends with the in laws (that's how dp knows them) dps godparents and dps fathers sister, the only people that MAY come are fil's sister and her family but I'm not 100% sure. Nobody has said they aren't coming due to the in laws absence but I know the friends won't now as they were staying with the in laws to attend, it only leaves godparents, of whom I am convinced will feel pressured into not coming and be made to feel they've betrayed in laws if they do.
We really just don't know who will turn up anymore.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Dp really does want to give his side as he doesn't want his parents alienating Him or me. He's concerned they'll spread a rather one sided version of events and being an only child with little family he really doesn't want to lose contact with the few close people in his life- unfortunately they are all close to his parents too.
I'm concerned that dps godfather will go back and tell dps parents, I've heard him drop dps parents in it with dp before, saying something to do that his parents have said about him, I do hope he's not coming for that reason".

His parents though are already alienating you both. Giving his side to these godparents of his may well prove to be a wasted effort because they could well be simply used by his parents as flying monkeys. I think your concerns expressed in your second above paragraph are very valid and he needs to consider that.

Do you have a plan in place and can you both present a united front?. may well only come from a small family and he may well still not want to lose contact with them (this is also how conditioned he really is) but it is really better to have no contact with his family of origin and their associates either. If his mother is for instance narcissistic in terms of personality then it is not possible for him to have any sort of relationship with her at all.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You may well have to prepare for the eventuality that none of his side of the family will attend your forthcoming wedding. They also do not want to risk the wrath of his mother in particular, they would perhaps rather see you two as the fall guys rather than run the risk of they themselves getting caught up in his mother's rages.

[Chamonix1]

Dp doesn't want to lose contact with his 1 Aunty and her family, and his godparents basically, he knows his mum will try and turn them against us and doesn't want to allow her to. He's pretty much sick of his own parents and seems to have washed his hands of them, he's actually taken all this better than me.
I know mil and fil will make us (me) out to be an evil cow, I've tried so hard with them for so long, knowing deep down I was just feeding their narcissistic supply and they threw it all in my face saying we aren't good enough "what do you ever do for us" and that they hate me, which in all honestly was news to me. Dp has always had it in the ear from them, he's a different man in their company, shrinks into a boy again with no opinion and scared to upset his mother. It's been very difficult to watch all these years.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

If he wants contact with them, then I think he would do well to establish independent contact now. Don't just wait and see about the wedding. He could ring around and say to people he hopes they will still come.

He needn't go into the ins and outs of the fall-out with his parents, and it's probably better if he doesn't.

But from now on he cannot afford to sit back. He should send birthday and Christmas cards, and make phone calls, to anyone he wants to have in his life.

[Chamonix1]

I have mentioned to him he should
Call and ask if "xy & z" are still coming and tell them we would really love to see them, but he doesn't feel comfortable answering all the questions, I do think his Aunty would understand though, she has helped in the past when he couldn't turn to his dad. How can she be such a lovely person and he be such a shitty human being, they're both so different.
When we went up to see them and stayed at their house I could see such joy in dp's face to be around his family, he was so normal and relaxed, it would be a shame for him to lose his lovely Aunty and cousins.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would agree with the previous poster; your man needs to talk to his aunt and asap particularly before his parents get the chance to further put the boot into the two of you.

Your only mistake here has been to at all try with his parents for as long as you did. That is understandable though as you likely come from an emotionally healthy family and thus want the best for all concerned. Unfortunately your soon to be DH has not been so fortunate. He has after all been trained by her to serve her and her alone. He may well never break free of his mother's overall influence on him; I fervently hope that he can actually sever all contact ultimately and be in no contact with them or any of their associated flying monkeys.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I have mentioned to him he should call and ask if "xy & z" are still coming and tell them we would really love to see them, but he doesn't feel comfortable answering all the questions"

Did he elaborate why that is?.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

from experience op don't worry about building bridges with people that don't give a shit about you. People will always takes sides and that is beyond your control. Be honest and frank with the god parents but let it be known that you don't want them getting caught up in all this.

If your dp is happy don't push it.

Your mil will be ramping up the pressure because she will want to be at the wedding, any exclusion will be seen as a total embarrassment to her.

Do not back down with out an apology. I spent 5 years being treated like shit of mil and the first time I wanted an apology turned in to a year long Cold War - which I'm loving

Good luck in your wedding, enjoy it and don't let them spoil it.

[Chamonix1]

I think he worries that he will end up having huge discussions with everyone he mentions it to, people seem to be "but their your parents?!" When he says they aren't coming anymore apart from my family who can't believe we have survived them this long.
He has agreed to call his aunt at least, it's important to him that she and he boys still come.
If dp can say to his godparents calmly and frankly it's been a long time coming and the relationship has always been a struggle and it's just how it is and he doesn't want to drag them into it that would be great, I hope he can keep them close too.
I never thought about mil being embarrassed that her son has told her not to come, of course that doesn't reflect well on her or her husband at all, people don't just uninvite their parents to their wedding for nothing, he doting mother act will be ruined :/

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

Absolutly op , when we had a small garden party for dd birthday and mil wasn't asked she turned up white with rage at the gate and the drove off in a puff of fag smoke. It truley wasn't about not spending time with dd - it was because she wasn't there, other people were and we just carried on with out her. She cried later on about 'being left out' - nothing to do with not seeing dd...

Prepare for the shit to really hit the after the wedding. This is why it's better to adopt an 'I don't give a shit anymore' attitude.

[Chamonix1]

cleansheets wow, she really does sound a treat!
Oh after the wedding I think we shall just block all contact, emails, phones etc only thing is we are worried they'll drag us to court for access to dd, so have left our phone and emails open to them, waiting for the abuse to flow in so we have proof they are unhinged.
I dread to think what she'll start after the wedding, hopefully just silent treatment, I'm really enjoying the silence...

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

char I spent a lot of time letting mil take over my thoughts, lying in bed at 2am thinking about how bad she was making things and I do wished I hadn't given her that. It really made me ill.

Focus on people that do love you. That want to make your day an amazing experience and let dp deal with his own in laws with out you driving it or trying to fix it. Folk that genuinely love him will not be driven away

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"but they are your parents?!"

This sort of trite sentiment is often said by people whose families are more often than actually emotionally healthy and functioning. Ignore such comments.

Its along the same sort of lines as, “your father/mother is getting old and is in poor health, how are you going to feel if he/she dies?” My response to this question is; “what does his or her health have to do with the reason that I don’t communicate with my parents?” My parents had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to me. They made their choices, and apparently through the grid of how these type of statements are meant to be taken, my parents choices are acceptable but my choice NOT to put up with abusive and disrespectful disregarding treatment is NOT acceptable? That is insane. It’s like people are so brainwashed by this whole thing that they don’t even realize how stupid it sounds to be told to accept abuse/neglect/disrespect just because ‘they’ are ‘family’.

I wonder why no one ever asks parents estranged from their kids “how are you going to feel if your son or daughter dies?” Judging by the way my parents act, they won’t feel anything.

There are laws in place to protect children from some of the things that happened to me. Why are my parents exempt from those laws? Why is it up to me to put their minds at ease as they get closer to their final days on this earth? If I will reap what I sow, why does that saying not apply to them?

Grandparents in this country have no automatic rights of access to their grandchildren. A grandparent does not have an automatic right to apply for a contact order and will have to apply for leave to make that application. In order to be successful the grandparent must show that they have a meaningful and important connection with the child. This has clearly not happened here.

I would cut all their means of communication to you now rather than wait until after your wedding.

My guess too is that his mother will have some previously unheard of health scare or issue sometime before or after your wedding as well. That is done by such disordered people as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If they are too toxic for you, they are FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenseless children. Narcissistic people in particular make out for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. You must both continue to protect your child from his parents because they will ultimately do similar damage to her too.