I am so distressed , please help

[Fuckingstupid2015]

My name says it all really. N/C obviously ...

I am early 50s. I have two kids now 17 & 14. I was divorced from my drug using exH in 2009 - a relief as he was abusive, unreliable and aggressive to the children. shortly after this I met DP.

I fell totally in love, as he did with me. He is divorced with two children (older and independent) Within a year he had moved in to my home (which I kept after the divorce, bought ExH out) . All very nice. He was very supportive to me during my divorce negotiations and in a big work problem that arose for me subsequently.

The problem is that I think he hates my kids. The elder has problems, the younger is a great kid. He won't allow them into the living room in case they damage his stuff, we have locks on the doors as the elder has previously thieved money. He is so hostile to them at times (not always but it's unpredictable).

He does not work, and had lived off me for almost 7 years. I am deeply in debt. Last year he stRted a business - it costs me every month to maintain that business.

We had an argument on Sunday and he called me a "stupid fucking cow" .. The argument was because I had bought my kids a PS4, he will not allow the elder to stay in the house unless an adult is there- but I work and am constantly under pressure to leave early so he can go to his 'business' ... I am so stressed I could scream but I cannot talk to him about it as he shouts at me and cuts me off.

I had a breakdown last year, caused I know by his behaviour to my kids. I tried to pretend it was other things but it wasn't.

I know what I need to do, but I feel sick, anxious, ill - and terrified of the loss of what was, once, such a happy relationship. I know I can't make him change, but I'm grieving for the loss of what I though I had. Please be gentle , I'm not stupid, I have a high paying professional job, and manage very well in every other aspect of my life.

[19lottie82]

OP, there is NO benefit for you staying with this man.

You must KNOW you need to get him out of YOUR house, but it seems like you just need the support to do so. Do you have a relative or friend who can come stay with you for a short time, while you get him out, then support you?

If not please contact Women's Aid xx

[TanteRose]

I feel very sorry for your poor children.

How can you let this man treat them like this?

You should ask him to leave

[19lottie82]

You should ask him to leave

I think the OP already knows this! She just needs the support to do it.

[CantAffordtoLive]

My Ex treated our two kids differently, as in he favoured one. The damage done will never be repaired. Please get him out of your home. The sooner the better. The sooner you will be able to heal.

[ArtyBat]

First of all a big Hug for you .

You're right, you're not stupid, but I think you have been targeted by this man. He was very nice to you initially, then once he'd moved in the mask came off, and now you're seeing him for what he truly is. He won't change for the better so you need to make a decision.

If it helps, write down a list of all the pros and cons of him as a DP, and I bet the cons will be way longer than the pros.

If you're so stressed you can't talk to him, then change the locks whilst he's out, and leave his belongings outside....and Don't let him back in.

The grieving for what you had is natural - but remember what he offered you was fake, merely a ruse to to have the use of your house and bank account.
Once he's gone it will hurt, but be kind to yourself, you will get through this.x.

[mamaslatts]

terrified of the loss of what was, once, such a happy relationship.

Actually it sounds like you met when you were very vulnerable and he exploited that. He behaved himself until he had his feet under the table and you financially supporting him. He now bullies you and your children. Your children are not allowed into the living room?? This is really not normal. He has taken their home and made them into second class citizens.

You sound so, so stressed that it does seem you need support to get him out. Women's aid can probably advise you on the best/safest way to do this and you may need legal advice also. Good luck. x

[mamaslatts]

cross post with Artybat

[Flangeshrub]

I'm wondering if you never had time to heal after the end of your first marriage before embarking on this relationship so in effect the end of this relationship means facing the end of both?

Being alone is really not that bad. You are being treated atrociously and I guarantee that if you summon the strength to bin this guy within 3 months you will wonder why on earth it took you so long. You will feel free.
You must think of your kids but most of yourself and your self-esteem. He does nothing but suck the joy out of life. Life is too short.

Be alone with your kids. Heal. Find an equal partner.

[HawkEyeTheNoo]

OP so very sorry you are going through this. Your kids and your MH come first. He sounds like he targeted you at a vulnerable point in your life. I'm afraid this is my very first LTB

[verystressedmum]

You swapped one man who was abusive, unreliable and aggressive to your children for another of the same. The only difference between your dp and your ex seems to be the drug use!
You know you need to get him out of your house and out of yours and your children's lives and fast.

[verystressedmum]

Sorry my pp wasn't very helpful. I hope you're ok, it won't be easy but you did it once before you can do it again. He took advantage of your vulnerability but you can get out of this.

[pocketsaviour]

I think you're going to find when you get rid of this cock-lodging fuckwit, that your elder boy improves dramatically.

Do you have family and friends around you who can support you do this? Are you worried that he will be verbally/physically abusive when you ask him to leave?

Please stop subsidising his business immediately. If he has access to your bank accounts, change the passwords/pins.

I also think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme, because it sounds like you came out of a relationship with your druggy ex and swapped a grade 10 arsehole for a grade 7 one. In comparison with a violent drug abuser, he was always going to look good, and he was nice enough to you for just long enough for you to get on the hook. The FP is not just about violent abuse, it's also about emotional abuse and control.

[verystressedmum]

Just out of interest why did your eldest dc take money?

[Viviennemary]

No ifs or buts. Get rid of him. He is a selfish controlling monster. How dare he behave in this way in your house and in your children's home.

[Joysmum]

Would you like help with a list of practicalities and some emotional support to get him out?

[xavierfondue]

Darling

First things first. Your kids come first. It must be horrific to see someone who claims to love you treat your children this way.

Secondly, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could at the time. You will do the best you can right now.

Thirdly, imagine DP isn't there. You can start to manage your debts, your house will be less stressful, you can start to plan. Yes, you'll be on your own, but at least you will have ownership of yourself (does that make sense?)

Go and see a solicitor. If you are not married, if you have sole ownership of your house, you have sole name on all the utilities bills and you have bank records to show that your DP has not contributed financially to the running of the household then you're fine. Forget about this "common law" stuff. It actually does not exist.

Finally, this may sound flippant, but you'd be surprised.... if DP won't leave, then put another thread on AIBU to ask MNers for help sourcing the "heavies."

We're here for you. But you know that already xxxxxxx

More [flowers) and a big (((hug)))

[Fuckingstupid2015]

joysmum yes please. And reassurance that it will be ok. And hand holding. And reassurance that it will be ok

He has literally no where to go . And a houseful of his stuff. And no money whatsoever.

He will not go willingly.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

Maybe as well as the pros/cons (or instead) you can just write a list of the ways life WILL be better once he is out of it.

For example - you will have more money; you will have less stress with work (not needing to leave early); your kids will know you are on their side; you can remove all the stupid locks and go back to a normal family life; no more stress, arguments and insults... it sounds like there will be a TON of benefits, and maybe looking forward to those can help you past the immediate difficult bit.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

Maybe as well as the pros/cons (or instead) you can just write a list of the ways life WILL be better once he is out of it.

For example - you will have more money; you will have less stress with work (not needing to leave early); your kids will know you are on their side; you can remove all the stupid locks and go back to a normal family life; no more stress, arguments and insults... it sounds like there will be a TON of benefits, and maybe looking forward to those can help you past the immediate difficult bit.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

oops sorry for double post...

[19lottie82]

He has literally no where to go . And a houseful of his stuff. And no money whatsoever.

not your problem. that's no reason for him to keep living in YOUR house and emotionally abusing you and your children.

He will not go willingly.

I'd mention once to him you want him out in X days, so he has chance to arrange. If he doesn't go, get the locks changed when he goes out. Call 101 in advance to warn them he might kick off. If he does, call 999. The police will attend and while they are there you can let him in to get some stuff, and they will also attend at a future date when he can collect the rest of it.

As already mentioned, do you have a friend or family member who can support you and stay with you for a few days?

[19lottie82]

He has NO legal right to stay in your house (thank goodness!), you are not married and he isn't a joint owner.

[inlectorecumbit]

It is not your problem that he has no where to go--he could go to a B&B until he sorts out housing.
Your poor DC's need to see that you are putting them first they seem to have been bullied by this twat for too long now.
Sit him down-give him a deadline to move out--say the weekend and then change the locks..

[19lottie82]

OP, you know what you need to do. So what it comes down to, is you have 2 choice here...

1. Kick him out and start building up you life again, plus your relationship with your kids.
   
   Or
   
   
2. Don't kick him out and keep things they way they are.
   
   What's it going to be? I don't mean to be harsh, but that's basically the bottom line here.

[oldgrandmama]

You poor lady. Yes, what others have said - get rid of him. I was in your position once, but I put up with him for only two years before realised I was being taken for a fool - and he hated my kids too, sponged off me, and was generally an arse. NEVER regretted kicking him out - even though it was quite awkward, since I'd married the twat . I'm so glad that you, OP, are not married to him. Get loads of support behind you and sling him out. You will be, and feel, so much better and your kids will thank you - he is behaving atrociously to them.