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In laws and my newborn. Is this weird?

(114 Posts)
Caffeinefreecoke Wed 05-Aug-15 10:14:58

My PILs are lovely. MIL probably doesn't like me as much as FIL, but still lovely. They ADORE my 10 week old DS, it's amazing. Had a few boundary issues (described on here under different user names) but I'm happy now and I love how they are with him, it's clear they're besotted.

My issue in this thread is with the wider family of ILs. They keep saying very strange things to me such as 'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!' And taking him from me?! the other day Dh's uncle said 'do you ever pinch him to wake him up?' Why would I do that? Next thing my sleeping baby is screaming in this uncles arms. Is this normal and I'm just overthinking or is it a bit odd?

jonrotten Wed 05-Aug-15 10:21:37

Hang on, he pinched your baby?! That's what it sounds like.

They sound batshit crazy.

jonrotten Wed 05-Aug-15 10:24:15

Sorry posted to soon. Yes it's weird. The comments are odd. If I thought for a second someone had intentionally hurt my child to wake them up I would have gone crazy and they would never be around me or my child again.

Caffeinefreecoke Wed 05-Aug-15 10:24:37

I think he must have, or it was a bit coincidental that he said that and next thing the baby is awake and screaming! I think they are a bit batshit but wasn't sure if I was being pfb

jonrotten Wed 05-Aug-15 10:27:10

No! Not PFb at all!

What ca you do? Do you have to see these people often, what does your dh think?

jonrotten Wed 05-Aug-15 10:28:20

I've never understood people who think it's ok to randomly take a baby from its mother either. It's not on and very strange.

FishWithABicycle Wed 05-Aug-15 10:29:51

That uncle is bat shit crazy and shouldn't be allowed to hold your child without very close and paranoid supervision.

You aren't being pfb.

Nolim Wed 05-Aug-15 10:33:56

'she thinks DS is hers when really he's ours!'

Erm.… what?

Battleshiphips Wed 05-Aug-15 10:42:17

My mil use to say she felt horrible when I was taking our ds home like I was taking her baby away. Is your DH an only child by any chance. It use to bother me but looking back on it now I know she was just being a bit ott. She adores our ds. As for the uncle, I'd pinch him and say "oh sorry I thought you'd fell asleep"! Could just be coincidence though. Not sure why anyone would think pinching a baby is acceptable!

Battleshiphips Wed 05-Aug-15 10:45:06

Just realised I've read your op wrong. I thought it was mil saying she felt like your baby was hers. Re-read and realised what you meant. That is definitely weird!

Fugghetaboutit Wed 05-Aug-15 10:49:30

Freaks

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 05-Aug-15 10:50:04

Caffeine

Not just weird, this is also dysfunctional.

Your ILs sound decidedly strange; they do not adore your DS so much as are obsessed by him. Never forget that you are his mother and that you as parents always have the final say with regards to your son.

What does your DH think of all this?. His opinion is also key here in respect of yourself.

I would tread very carefully with regards to these people as well as the wider family you write of. If you continue to see them at all you need to maintain and have firm and consistent boundaries. You do not want them at all badmouthing you as their mother in particular to your son; this is not beyond the realms of possibility here. Infact I would limit all contact as much as possible with them, they are not emotionally healthy at all to be at all around.

StaceyAndTracey Wed 05-Aug-15 10:52:43

No they are odd .

You don't have to share everything you think and feel with everyone , however inappropriate . Most adults learn this - they haven't .

You might FEEL sad handing back a baby to its parents . You might FEEL like it's being stolen . But you SAY " thanks for letting me hold him " or " he's got your eyes" .

And you say to other people

" we have such a lovely DIL, she brings the baby over to see us " .

IMO You will need to keep an eye on them as your baby gets older, they are just the kind of people who try to compete with the child for the parents affection

" come to grandma - SHE won't get cross because you won't brush your teeth"

" oh dear, will mean mummy not give you a biscuit before lunch "

" who do you love more, Grandad or daddy ? "

" you don't have to eat nasty vegetables at grandmas house - she loves you"

Croatianmum Wed 05-Aug-15 10:53:03

If someone---note ANYONE---pinched my baby I would hit the roof.That person would not be permitted to come even close to my newborn baby.

piechuck Wed 05-Aug-15 10:56:01

I think MIL is joking and you're having a sleep-deprived sense of humour failure. She's being nice (I think).

Uncle on the other hand, is out of order and weird!

Caffeinefreecoke Wed 05-Aug-15 10:58:10

Dh isn't an only child but he's the golden child of the family and is the favourite of all of his cousins (there's loads of them), that's not just me saying that either they all admit he's the favourite. He thinks they're just playing and being cute but I find it so creepy and have no idea how to respond when they say these things! We don't see them much, but enough that it's noticeable. They say things like 'he is my baby!' And once I caught MIL telling one of her friends that ds was hers.. It was surreal. The uncle who pinches and his wife definitely don't like me, they're always making funny underhand comments about me. I think it's because of where I'm from because we are from different cities and the city I'm from tends to have a bad reputation.

theendoftheendoftheend Wed 05-Aug-15 10:59:20

Yes I'm sure when they say 'she thinks he's hers, but he's actually ours' that they really mean it and are giving you a heads up before they kidnap him shock
It's just a saying! You might not like it but its not worth getting your knickers in a twist. Uncle pinching thing I don't know. Was there a mark?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 05-Aug-15 10:59:49

Piechuck - I do not think MIL is being nice at all. I would certainly agree with your comments though re the uncle.

What boundary issues have you previously had with them even though you state you are happy now?. How can you also describe your ILs as "lovely" when you're thinking that MIL does not like you as much. Such feelings do not come from nowhere.

StrangeGlue Wed 05-Aug-15 11:04:33

They are v weird! An ex's family were a bit like this. There thinking was that baby boys 'belong' to the male side of the family as they'll be carrying on the name so women shouldn't go thinking the baby is theirs...

V odd and uncle can be told he can't hold Ds again 'as last time you pinched him.' If they don't like you then there's even less reason to try to please him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 05-Aug-15 11:06:28

So he is part of a narcissistic family structure; the golden child role is also one not without price. That is now being also transferred to your son in terms of obsessing over him; it is not lovely behaviour from them at all.

Your DH is going to get a nasty shock re his family of origin one day; unfortunately many golden children do not realise the whole extent of the mountain of obligation they are under.

I would keep well away from his parents and wider family. Its going to be hard also because you are and want to be nice and you likely also come from an emotionally healthy family unit yourself.

How did you feel when you heard MIL describing your son as hers?. You must likely have felt sick to the stomach. Does your DH know that she said this about his child?. His mother has done parenting and she likely was not a good parent to him either; these people are not decent role models to your child.

They are making underhand comments about you because they see you as a threat to their overall order of things; it has nothing whatsoever to do with where you come from. This family would have behaved the same regardless of whom he married.

Caffeinefreecoke Wed 05-Aug-15 11:07:15

They are lovely people, Mil is just a little more reserved towards me than FIL is, he is more chatty with me whereas mil is harder to engage in chatter try as I might, often ends up with awkward silence when it's juste and her in a room.

Boundary issues included walking into my house in the middle of the day when baby was tiny (tinier!) whilst I was trying to bf, banging on windows waking him up, things like that (there was a thread under a different name).

I accept a couple of pps saying I'm being over sensitive re family saying he's not yours he's ours, I don't get it though? What does it mean? They once came and took him off me, took a huge family photo with everyone but me in, then gave him back when he started screaming. And left. The day after I came home from hospital. So it feels to me like they're saying, he's part of our family and you aren't.

StaceyAndTracey Wed 05-Aug-15 11:08:47

That's exactly what they are saying. Your feelings are correct

Caffeinefreecoke Wed 05-Aug-15 11:09:50

MIL describing my son as hers made me absolutely furious and i thought I was going to vomit. I just don't know how to respond to comments like this.

StaceyAndTracey Wed 05-Aug-15 11:10:35

Walking into your house and banging on windows is totally out of order . Your feelings about them are correct, you need to listen to them and act to protect your child

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 05-Aug-15 11:12:49

No issues at all with the "she's our baby" stuff. That just a jokey way of saying how much they love your dd.

Your dh's uncle I'm guessing is childless or was pretty hands off with the childrearing if he was a parent and so said a stupid thing. However, he wouldn't be holding my baby agin just in case it wasn't a coincidence.

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