Small argument turned huge!

[Nik22d]

Hi girls,
Right then I need a women's perspective on this.

My girlfriend of 4 years recently returned from a family holiday with her family in which I couldn't attend this time around due to work anyway we spoke everyday texts the odd phone call everything was cool. Until, she gets home she has letters and emails from the bank saying that she has been overdrawn and that they are charging her penalty fees etc. Well understandably she goes into frenzy really upset over the fact she has no money until her next pay day. I assure that everything will be ok and that I will give her money to tide her over until she gets payed. Now she's a proud girl this way and won't accept which is ok the offer was there anyway. Know she's back from her holiday a few days I come back from working away and say hey stranger missed you do u want you want come over tonight....in which her reply was...and do what? With this I flipped I was like do u need a reason to see me? I know you very little money but come on I haven't seen you in almost 3 weeks I was angry that she didn't feel the same. So with this the little insults and bickering got worse over 2 days and now it's like I'm the one to blame. She is accepting non of the blame and it's all my fault. She has since gone down the road to analysing our relationship to the point where she doesn't want to talk to me at all. Now I have apologised and that I do understand that I went in all guns blazing at a bad time and it didn't help at all. But surely this isn't all my fault? And that she is just taking her upset out on me?

[Penfold007]

I think she's taking her anger out on you and that's not fair. Maybe time for you to end the relationship.

[newstart15]

How old are you both? She replied to your offer in a sulky way, maybe she was hoping you would coax her out if her bad mood.I don't know what you mean when you said you 'flipped' as that was probably not a healthy response even if you were disappointed..You could have said 'I'm sad you don't want to see me' and let her sulk.

If she is an adult and can't manage her finances for a holiday and can't deal with the responsibility that comes from overspending then that's a warning to you.Not all relationships are meant to work out, they can help you determine what you want and cruically dont want from a relationship

Don't overinvest in a relationship that is hard work (especially in the pre kids, pre responsibility stage) as you need to be able to communicate well to get through tough times and handling over spending on a holiday should be a blip in the scheme of life that doesn't derail a couple (unless she has a immature attitude to financial responsibility which might be a lifelong condition)

[Nik22d]

I'm 28 she's 24.

By flipped I mean shouted down the phone and was probably more my tone than what I said that kicked things off. I'm genuinely more gutted that she said she needed a reason to see me! But even so i backed down I didn't want to continue in my mind a ridiculous petty argument.

She's not great with her finances I'll concede that but seriously i will baffled by it and it's not helped by the fact she now refuses to talk to me....

[andthenagain]

Let her be--if she wants to act like a spoiled brat let her stew, She is 24 FFS not 4.
I would take a long hard look at your relationship--it really doesn't sound too great from what you have posted

[cailindana]

You shouldn't have shouted - she was clearly in a bad mood and being a brat but you did overreact.

That said she sounds like hard work - is she worth it?

[scarletforya]

Sounds like she engineered this argument. It's illogical. Which makes me smell a rat. Could she have done the dirt while on holiday and is now trying to make you break up with her?

[mrsmeerkat]

Totally agree with not over investing when you have no responsibilities at the moment. If she cannot talk and be interested in seeing you when you are clearly being kind in offering to help - what will happen if kids arrive on the scene. Sleep deprivation, sex life on hold temporarily, money worries, i law hassles..

Not to be negative but the dating stage should be fairly rosy in comparisson.

[Nik22d]

We do get long amazingly we'll, yea we clash at times who doesn't!
At the time shouting felt like the best thing to do but of course it's always later we regret things.
The thing is after it had calmed down I realised she deals with things like this with me often being cast aside. Which is shite sometimes but I know she'll come around sooner or later but I know it's not fair on me when it does happen. I do feel like it's worth saving but I can't get my head around her

[Nik22d]

She can be extremely stubborn! Like pain in the arse stubborn and not just with me I mean everybody. She does sound a nightmare and I know she can be but Id hate it to end over something so trivial

[andthenagain]

If you stick with her you will have a lifetime of this brattish behaviour--you happy with that !! .

[Nik22d]

No, I'm pretty confident she didn't do anything on I mean she was with her family too and they love me lol. I have thought about asking her this? But with the way it is now I don't wanna make it worse? Or should I? See I'm so confused

[cailindana]

It just shouldn't be this complicated Nik, not at this stage. She should be dying to see you, grumpy or not, and you shouldn't be on your own tearing your hair out trying to find a way for her not to be shit to you.

[Dynomite]

It's not trivial. Managing your finances and acting maturely and responsible and without sulking or taking your problems out on your OH are basic minimum requirements in most adult relationships.
OP, the best relationship I've ever been in, the one I am in with DP now, is also the easiest! We have our arguments but neither of us sulks or blames our own shortcomings on the other.
Also, it does seem she engineered that argument. There are bigger issues here.

[nequidnimis]

I think that, if she loved you, she would be dying to see you, grateful that you offered her a loan and just generally seeing you as a good thing in an otherwise crappy situation.

When something goes wrong for me I turn to DH because I know he'll make me feel better, I don't lash out or see him as part of the problem.

I suppose what I'm saying is that she doesn't sound as invested in your relationship as you are,.

[MsDragons]

I'm seeing it from her side here. You don't say what her tone was like when she said "and do what?" but if it was me and I had no money I would have asked the same, because I'd want to be sure I could afford it, not because I didn't want to see you. If you'd responded to that by shouting at me then I would actually not want to see you, and would be reconsidering the relationship, especially in the early stages where its not supposed to be hard work.

I genuinely have no idea which one of you was on the wrong, because so much depends on the tone of the conversation. It could be either of you, it could be both, or it could be a misunderstanding. It does sound like a lot of hard work though, and that's the sort of relationship I would want to avoid/get out of.

[Sleepsoftly]

Cool off for a few weeks, step back and see what happens.
Not as a 'punishment' - really don't let it feel like that to her - just say you are going to step back and give her space.
Let her come back to you when she is ready, there may be things getting on top of her generally.

[Hissy]

I don't like the "hey girls" it's patronising, many of us are old enough to be parent to your gf, or indeed YOU.

It may be a 4 year relationship, but trust me, there are plenty of posters here who have been cut dead by inlaws that supposedly loved them. She should want to see you, to just hang out and chill, but her response is weird and out of character. She's had ample opportunity to do wtf she wanted to with or without the knowledge of her family or not.

If she's looking for a way out, tell her to take it. Apart from the hey girls comment, you sound pretty considerate and thoughtful, perhaps it's time for you to trade up and find someone who doesn't take you for granted, and who does want to see you.

[Hissy]

So the idea of her cheating has crossed your mind? Listen to your instincts, and don't ever keep quiet for a peaceful life when someone is treating you like shit

Stay calm, and ask questions. Let her lose it, see what reaction she has, then tell her you won't be treated like that.

[Whathaveilost]

I don't like the "hey girls" it's patronising, many of us are old enough to be parent to your gf, or indeed YOU.

FFS! Someone always has to take offence!

[Hissy]

Ffs yourself! My comment wasn't addressed to you, and I gave constructive comments.

What pearls of wisdom have you given?

Was that it?

[Weddingcakefor1]

No I don't like girls either. I'm 36 not a 12 year old with pig tails.

Tbh op you could have mistook her tone.

It could have been "and do what?" As in what do you fancy doing as I'm skint?

Your responce would have got my back up too

[PoundingTheStreets]

Without knowing either of you, it's impossible to tell what's going on here really. But I would say that if you're not living together yet and you've already had several clashes, I wouldn't be making too many plans for the future.

[Whathaveilost]

My pearl of wisdom to you would be stop getting het up and finding offence there is no offence or malice intended. Also although it wasn't directed at me it is on a public forum so I can comment and have an opinion. I quite like the 'hi girls' malaky.

My advice to OP is that I don't think it is your fault and ( I could be wrong though) but sounds like she is engineering a row to make you finish things so that she doesn't have to do it.

[Tequilashotfor1]

Another one for not liking be called 'girls'. It is patronising.

I think you blew it up Straight away with your responce. I'd leave her to calm down if she wants to be in touch she will

[pocketsaviour]

I'm 42. Your girlfriend is 24. Neither of us are "girls".

It sounds like your relationship is over. Move on.