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How do you know when a marriage is over?

(27 Posts)
AtTheEndofTheRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 22:43:36

Clearly where there's abuse going on or fighting of any sort it's easier, but what about when there's just no affection anymore? And no physical attraction?
I feel like i've tried and tried, but been rejected again and again. I don't get hugs anymore or a kiss goodbye, we don't touch in bed.
We are a good team when it comes to sorting out the kids. He cooks and cleans up the kitchen fairly frequently, but leaves everything else to me. He prioritises his own interests totally over spending any time with me.
I just feel terribly sad and don't know what to do about it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

LadyBlaBlah Mon 22-Jun-15 22:56:07

What does he say when you tell him how you feel?

MsPepsi Mon 22-Jun-15 22:57:10

Can you imagine being with him once your kids have flown the nest?

lostinnormandieland Mon 22-Jun-15 22:57:29

Sounds like he enjoys everything except spending time with you. It seems you have tried and maybe both of you need to acknowledge the obvious. Did you tell him you are considering ending the marriage? Usually it helps to get the true feelings out.
It seems like a tough time for you. flowers

AtTheEndofTheRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:03:39

He says he's just busy and stressed. He's been working far harder than this before and we used to love spending time together. I guess I haven't made it clear how strongly I feel- i worry that it won't be an easy thing to come back from.

MsPepsi- at the moment, not really. We are well off and could afford to do nice things, but I'm not sure that helps if you don't have any common ground left. We get on better after wine.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:05:47

Lost- that's where I am now- on the brink of doing just that- it just seems a fairly irreversible thing to say!

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 22-Jun-15 23:09:03

You sound a bit like I imagine my STBXH felt towards the end of our marriage. I hated touching him but we got on well enough, he would never have left though, but in the end I despised him. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. Only you know if you can live in this essentially loveless marriages

WhatifIdid Mon 22-Jun-15 23:09:36

Does he do anything to counter the stress? Does he need to be so busy?

And, most importantly if it came to choosing between money/career and your marriage which way would he jump?

Which would you choose?

AtTheEndofTheRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:20:05

MyGast- no, I'm open to all opinions, perhaps i do need to hear that- a lot of my reluctance to say anything more to him stems from my reluctance to upset the kids and my upbringing, which firmly reinforced that marriage is for life. Ironically i think my Mum should have ditched my Dad years ago as he is a controlling bully.

WhatIf- He does inevitably have a fair amount of stress at work, but he doesn't work excessive hours. We are busy partly because we ferry the kids around a lot- we live up a busy country road which isn't safe for them to walk along. Mainly he is busy because he does courses for his own interest, goes to the gym and does a lot of music.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Mon 22-Jun-15 23:23:33

Financially I haven't needed to work while the children grow up, but I always have because I have a job I love and find fulfilling and I have always wanted to be able to be financially independent.

Cassawoof Mon 22-Jun-15 23:43:58

Please just talk to him and tell him. My h has left me, he was having these feelings and never said a word until he had emotionally checked out. When I asked why he hadn't said anything when he was having doubts he said "he didn't want to hurt my feelings". Well he's gone now I am really devastated because I didn't see it coming.

I don't mean to post about me, but your husband may have no clue how serious all this is and it may have never crossed his mind that you might actually leave. It's so easy to let you as a couple slip and not even notice it when life and kids get in the way. And if it can't be saved, at least you gave him a chance to try knowing where things had got to.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Tue 23-Jun-15 00:53:03

Yes, you're right. I will. Not sure how to start this conversation, but must before lack of sleep makes me irrational. Thank you all; i wondered if i was just imagining it until i started this

magiccatlitter Tue 23-Jun-15 05:49:10

Agree with Cassawoof in you should try to talk to him because he may not be aware of how unhappy you are.

It might be a chance to turn things around.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jun-15 13:27:55

No affection and he hardly spends time with you, he must be incredibly selfish not to have noticed! Sorry but I'd say there was nothing left there, by all means give him the chance to change but be prepared for it not. You can co-parent without having to live this life.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Thu 25-Jun-15 16:50:17

Well I had the conversation. He says he doesn't want to give up yet, but i don't hold out much hope. He didn't say anything that made me feel any better about anything.
With that in mind, I've arranged to see a solicitor tomorrow- Forewarned is forearmed as they say.
Thank you.

Jan45 Thu 25-Jun-15 17:24:11

Good, well good you are taking action, it's empowering.

sleepsoftly Thu 25-Jun-15 17:52:48

When it no longer provides what you emotionally seek, and when you firmly believe that it will not in the future when the talking is done.

Then, the marriage is over in my opinion.

ALaughAMinute Thu 25-Jun-15 19:25:29

Good luck OP, I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow for similar reasons to you so perhaps we can compare notes.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Thu 25-Jun-15 20:38:22

Sleep softly- that's pretty eloquent.
Is there ever any way back from that emotional detachment ? Is it worth trying? I talked to a friend last night and she suggested going away on our own, but at the moment I can't imagine spending the weekend with him without the kids there to talk to. And I don't really want him to touch me, because I'd feel like he was faking it.
A laugh- good luck too. Hoping I can get through the solicitor's appointment with a bit of composure.

ALaughAMinute Fri 26-Jun-15 10:17:25

Thanks AtTheEnd, my appointment is at 2.30 pm, what time is yours?

Goodbetterbest Fri 26-Jun-15 10:33:19

You are wise going to the solicitor, but also some counselling just for yourself might help you sift through your feelings?

Can you get away on your own and have some headspace?

FWIW my kids seem perfectly content and secure since we split. We didn't move house, he moved out, and he didn't really engage much anyway. I can't say they have come out of it unscathed because I don't know what is going on inside their heads, but from what I can see, the appear to be fine at the moment.

I'm certainly a lot happier, but I am also overwhelmed, stressed and a little lonely. XH doesn't have the kids ever. Sometimes he takes them for tea on a Sunday or has one over night on the occasional Monday. That's it.

It's much tougher than I imagined. But for me it was right. Clarity is important, and that is maybe something you can work towards as a first step?

Sickoffrozen Fri 26-Jun-15 10:34:22

If you are at the stage where you think him touching you would be faking it then it is on its last legs by the sounds of it. However, if you would prefer it not to end and he too is also committed to that, then couples counselling may be worth a try. If nothing else, they will lead you to a place where you can have an amicable split.

AtTheEndofTheRoad Fri 26-Jun-15 13:16:01

A laugh- I've been this morning. Not England/Wales though so may be different. good luck this afternoon.
He started being really friendly last night and now I'm really confused!

AtTheEndofTheRoad Fri 26-Jun-15 13:21:40

Solicitor also talked about counseling, but for us as a couple. I have a couple of very close friends I can talk to as well.
I would be much worse off financially, but manageable. Would need to sell house which might be easier said than done as nothing is selling round here.
If DH is really trying and it wasn't just for 10 minutes last night I guess I have to give it a go and see if we can find a spark again!?

ALaughAMinute Fri 26-Jun-15 13:26:38

At least you've been to see a solicitor so you will have an idea what you are dealing with, so well done you for going!

Do you think your relationship is salvageable? Have you considered counselling?

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