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Help please

(13 Posts)
Lolliew Sun 17-May-15 12:49:25

Hi. This is my first posting on here and I'm in need of some impartial advice from you. I have 3 children (20, 15 and 12 my youngest and eldest are disabled).

My Husband of 25 years has had a friendship with another woman. They grew close as they were running together 4 times a week in preparation for a marathon. During this time they kissed but decided to stop as they are both married to other people. They continued running together until my husband told me about what had happened. Just prior to this the other woman stopped talking to me (I was friends with her too) and I had a suspicion that something was going on. This was in February this year.

I asked him to stop running with her and to break all contact with her, which initially he did, he has since seen her at events and spoken to her whilst I have been at the same event and seen them speaking, he knows this hurts me but thinks that it is rude to ignore her or walk away.

During the last few months that we have been dealing with this, I have lost both my grandparents (within a few weeks of each other) been very ill with a jaw infection and subsequently had to suspend my university studies due to too much time missed to complete my exams to gain a decent pass. This has led to me becoming depressed and feeling as if I have nothing In my life.

I have also given up attending our weekly parkrun as this woman attends and I don't want to be anywhere near her as I don't really trust my self to not say anything to her and cause a scene, this also means giving up my parkrun friends as she is part of the same group of friends.

My husband thinks that I am being unreasonable asking him to not speak to her as it is rude to walk away and has said that he wishes he hadn't told me about what happened. I haven't asked him to stop running, to give up the park runs he loves or stop running with his running club, just asked him to not speak to her.

I know that their relationship wasn't an intense affair but it feels as if it was like that to me and I just want him to put my feelings first in this - am I being unreasonable?

Pollyswall Sun 17-May-15 13:01:05

So your DH thinks that it would be rude to ignore her, REALLY?

I think that it was rather more than rude on her part to kiss your DH and she has no problem ignoring you.

I don't think he has fully taken on board how bad his behaviour has been.

YvyB Sun 17-May-15 13:04:59

I would say no, you are not being unreasonable. If his loyalty isn't firstly to you, he's sticking two fingers up to his marriage vows, isn't he?
He should be working so, so hard to regain your trust. You shouldn't HAVE to ask him to give up anything - he should have already done it voluntarily.
So sorry you've had such a crap time of it x

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 17-May-15 13:26:33

I think you are actually being too reasonable. You are dealing with an affair here. He should have cut all contact with this woman and some counselling wouldn't have gone amiss. A confession of kissing often means they've had sex.

It's outrageous you've had to leave your group and outrageous that he chats to her in front of you.

Lolliew Sun 17-May-15 15:27:42

Thanks for all the advice smile I have been protecting him (and our children) by not making it public and I have protected her too with this action. I just want him to understand that I have done this with all the best intentions and that he needs to respect what I have asked for.

CheersMedea Sun 17-May-15 15:39:36

My husband thinks that I am being unreasonable asking him to not speak to her as it is rude to walk away and has said that he wishes he hadn't told me about what happened.

WTF? Seriously.

"Rude"?!? How f*cking rude and disrespectful is it to be kissing a person other than your wife?

I'd tell him you don't care if he thinks it's "rude" and that he needs to sort out his priorities asap. You are in the right.

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 17-May-15 15:54:01

He hasn't respected what you've asked for and he's not going to.

Unfortunately stupid cheaters are only capable of understanding consequences. Maybe it's time for some.

Lweji Sun 17-May-15 15:56:18

You believe that they only kissed?
And that nothing is happening?

ALaughAMinute Sun 17-May-15 16:08:49

He's being unreasonable, not you!

Tell him to stop all contact with this woman immediately (including the parkrun) or else...!

You should go to the parkrun and leave him at home looking after the children! I wouldn't worry too much about the OW because she will probably be too scared to talk to you but it might be advisable to take a trusted friend along for support.

Pollyswall Sun 17-May-15 16:42:56

Lolliew I am furious on your behalf, "He wishes he hadn't told you" Implying what? That if you don't behave how he wants, then he won't tell you anything in the future.

Please, please start running again, make them both uncomfortable, let them worry that you will expose their dirty little secret, don't cut yourself from your running friends.

Your life is difficult at the moment, he should be bending over backwards to help you, not worrying about her.

Have some flowers you sound lovely.

Lolliew Mon 18-May-15 08:01:25

Again many thanks for your help and advice, I knew I wasn't being unreasonable but when it consumes your whole thinking time and you don't discuss it with anyone else sometimes your view becomes singular and you can be convinced that you are wrong.

Thanks again everyone

winkywinkola Mon 18-May-15 08:12:26

What a creepy pair. And how very noble to kiss and yet because they are married, not to take it further.

Well, I would take it further actually. I would be meeting her h and telling him exactly what's been going on.

I would also be saying to my h that if I ever saw him with her again, our marriage is over. He has massively transgressed and he doesn't get that.

How on earth are you supposed to trust him now?

Joysmum Mon 18-May-15 08:34:48

Ah so it's more important to him that he doesn't hurt HER feelings by 'being rude' at the cost of hurting YOU hmm

He knows you're hurt but doesn't care that he's hurt you.

In essence, he's valuing her more than he does you and by saying he wished he'd never told you that tells you he'll keep secrets in future in order to do what he wants to.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. sad

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