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50/50 custody

(21 Posts)
Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 17:24:29

Recently separated from stbxh who has said he wants 50/50 custody of the children despite working very long hours. He's never been involved with the day to day care of the kids, but is now seemingly wanting to have them 50/50. The reality of this is that it wouldn't be him looking after the kids it would be his parents. Would this be something that would be considered?? Obviously panicking massively now.....

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 22-Nov-14 17:37:34

He's proposing this in order to avoid paying child-support. A lot of men do, but the majority of them are purely using it as a threat. Your counter-argument against this is that he wouldn't be caring for his own children given the long hours he works, his parents would, and that's not a suitable solution.

How old are your children? They could be old enough to have their own views considered in this.

daisychain01 Sat 22-Nov-14 17:40:55

There is a lot to consider, such as how close you live to each other for the 50/50 arrangement to be as least disruption to your DCs as possible, and the level of commitment the DGPs are prepared to make. It's all very well saying in principle that they will take on the lions share of his 50% responsibility, another thing them actually doing it.

The devil is in the detail, those are the things you need to be comfortable about.

The main thing is to ensure that you are both able to build as strong and caring a relationship separately with the DCs as you did when you were together.

My DP only lived 2 miles from DSs DMs home after their split, and it made a massive difference getting his 50/50 shared care arrangement agreed by the court. Also they took account that he was the primary carer for the 8 years of his son's life, which it sounds like your STBEx has not been. His self-employment also gave him full flexibility to do daily school runs.

I am not suggesting for a moment you must take it to court, but These are the factors they take into account.

daisychain01 Sat 22-Nov-14 17:45:56

Bitter, I don't agree that DGPs aren't suitable to care for the DCs and the Ex may not have this as a permanent working arrangement.

It is making a big assumption he is only doing it to avoid maintenance payments. Um, maybe he loves his children perhaps??

It is comments like that, that vilify men who desperately want to have proper access to their children. Despite long hours, he can still give them a loving home.

Herald Sat 22-Nov-14 17:49:15

A lot of men like myself also propose this then they can see their children and not just to avoid paying child maintenance.

We have been doing it for nearly 18 months now and it works well , I do have a flexible job and work more hours when I don't have my Dd , and the time she is with me I don't fob her off on others.

I do rely on my mum for the odd emergency like meetings etc , we sorted it between us without any court needed, we then go 50/50 with uniform,school clubs etc
It's not always easy but well worth it to see as much of her as I can .

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 17:57:40

Children are just 5 and 7 months. He's never had them on his own. He's never got up with the youngest through the night. He's actually been in a separate room since before he was born. He's not hands on at all and I feel this has come from his parents rather than him. I strongly object to his parents looking after the children for half their lives. I'm willing for them to be part of their lives, but absolutely do not want them in effect bringing up my children. I work part time and have sacrificed my career to look after my children and do not want to give my children to their grandparents.

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 17:59:44

He would absolutely not be able to do school runs or pick ups so that responsibility would be his parents which I disagree with. They are not my children's parents and I feel this request is to benefit them, not our children.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 22-Nov-14 18:05:59

Would your five year old be able to remain in the same school given that it's proposed he'd be spending half his time away from you?

I wouldn't be handing over a seven month old child to anyone, not even this "father". It would take a court order to force me, and even then I'd put every single obstacle in the way I could think of.

daisychain01 Sat 22-Nov-14 18:11:28

It sounds like an emotive subject right now , and I think you may be seeing things through your own point of view only, and not your Ex's. To say that the DCs grandparents aren't suitable to help with childcare is IMO cutting out some beneficial important relationships from your DCs lives.

From what you have written, I suggest you get some RL advice to separate your emotion from what is and isn't right for your DCs. If you can discuss your concerns directly with your Ex that would be a good thing.

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 18:13:05

I'm presuming that his parents would be expecting to take him. I object to my children potentially spending a massive amount of time away from me and not spending it with their father. There is no way he will be taking my 7 mth over night given he's never spent the night in the same room as him.

daisychain01 Sat 22-Nov-14 18:20:30

He would absolutely not be able to do school runs or pick ups so that responsibility would be his parents which I disagree with

You are stating this as fact, when you have no way of predicting the future.

This is clearly an unsettling time for you all, it's a break up of a family home, it is painful and disruptive, but please at least give your ex half a chance to reconfigure his life, to get things straight and prove his intentions, before you are so negative.

My DP took a while to get himself resettled, it wasn't perfect but he did what he could. The net result was continued access to the DS he loved, and Ds has benefitted hugely from that, despite it not being perfect to start with.

I can appreciate your concerns, but there is another side to every situation.

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 19:08:49

He has not been available to do any school runs so this is not being negative, but stating a fact. Given he has just lost his temper and dragged my eldest by his arm causing his to fall into a chair, I would say the above is now irrelevant. His back is marked and still was 45 minutes later. I've asked him to go, which he has refused to do so I'm a bit stuck as he's said the police won't make him go. He's also taken the credit card, which is in his name, but I have used for a long time, so I'm effectively without money. I don't know what to do

Castlemilk Sat 22-Nov-14 20:08:29

Right, first thing you do RIGHT NOW is call the police.

They WILL make him go, and if you are concerned about his 'interpretation' of 50/50 custody then the biggest thing you can do to prevent it is take a picture of your son's back and call the police so that this incident gets logged - no matter what ends up happening re house and him leaving, GET THE INCIDENT LOGGED and it will be a huge help to you preventing him getting 50/50.

Castlemilk Sat 22-Nov-14 20:11:53

Oh and by the way I agree with you and I think posters are missing the point. Wonderful to have a close relationship with grandparents. Not wonderful for them to have 50% of their time spent with those grandparents taking on the parenting role that their father should, because although he doesn't have the time and inclination to parent them, he wants 'equal custody'.

Personally I think you will be ok. You can pretty much prevent overnights until your smaller one is at least 18 months, and yes you can object to 50/50 on the grounds that he doesn't plan to do most of the caring.

But all this is secondary to the fact that he's just assaulted your child. I hope you are on the phone to the police. And take a photo!

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 20:12:35

Thanks castlemilk. I've got pictures, both 5 minutes after and 30 minutes after. I've not called the police yet as both kids now asleep (amazingly). I am however going to log this as an incident tomorrow. He's always been a bad tempered bastard but honestly this shocked me to the core. The nice thing then was trying to blame my son for not doing as he's told...

lunar1 Sat 22-Nov-14 20:18:54

Is he still there? Ring the police and get him out. Show them the pictures.

50:50 care is one thing but not if he is going to outsource his share. It's bad enough splitting between two homes never mind three.

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 20:20:54

Sorry, posted too soon. He tried to make out it was ds's fault for not doing as he was told. Also, I'm evil and he is 'appalled' I'm 'spouting this shit' to my family for phoning my bil to come and get him out of the house if necessary.

He's desperately trying to make out that it didn't happen despite me seeing it with my own eyes!!

He's unaware I've already instructed a solicitor and will be on the phone to him first thing Monday morning.

Practicallyimpractical Sat 22-Nov-14 20:24:49

To be honest, I don't want to antagonise him whilst I'm on my own with the kids. Truth be told, I'm a bit frightened of what he will do, so I will have to play the long game here. I've got pics and I honestly dont think he will try anything else.

RustyParker Sat 22-Nov-14 20:47:50

Unfortunately the photos won't do much good if you don't follow through and report the incident.

If you are frightened of what he will then I urge you to call the police. You can be strong. More informed posters than me can advise you what options are available to you now if you feel able to tell us if you own or rent your home? Is he employed or self-employed. Womens Aid would be a good idea to talk through your options.

I feel for you, but remember, you can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person so you have to play this the right way and protect yourself and your little DCs. Good luck.

daisychain01 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:50:08

I have just returned to this thread and so very sorry for this terrible turn of events.

I feel for your family, and wish you well for the future.

WinterGloves Sat 22-Nov-14 21:56:33

You need to call the police tonight really, I know it's a scary thing to do but it's important, especially given that he is talking about 50/50. It's also important because if you were to report it in the future then the question would be raised of why you waited, it's a safe guarding issue, and it wouldn't reflect well on you. I do understand that you are scared (and I have been there, in a very similar situation).

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