Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My husband makes no money and lies about it all the time. I am de facto the breadwinner.(38 Posts)
This would not be bad in and of itself but I simply don't trust him any more. Also I am pregnant with twins and I simply in 2 months will have no income but the ridiculous maternity allowance that barely pays for nappies. But worst of all, by far, is that I can't trust my own husband. This started on day one of our marriage when without telling me he paid for most of his extended family's attendance of our wedding, which took place in Poland. I thought we agreed we pay for the party and the accommodation, for one night but he apparently paid for much more. My parents paid most of the costs, I paid 3 grand and he paid 6 grand and I thought that was it. But it looks like in addition he paid for a lot more. Since he has 10 brothers and sisters and they all have families the expense must have been astronomical, how much, I will never know. Then he worked as a consultant and seemingly made good money, so much so that for 2 years I did not have to pay a mortgage and house bills and I only paid for our food, holidays, petrol, clothes etc, which roughly amounted to 2/3 of what he paid for. Then one day he announced he has (surprise, surprise) 30.000 pounds tax bill to pay from his previous company that allegedly was stolen from him by the umbrella company that also conned " thousands" of contractors, only he did not remember the name of that company and for 4 years since refused to give me any details. Then he was unemployed for a year and spent this year doing nothing but whining and blaming me for putting him under pressure. In the meantime I was working full time to keep us going, doing 5 ivf attempts ( he is infertile) and working until,1 am after my usual work to do my post grad training, which I managed to complete through bitter hard struggle after 5 years. He, on the other hand has been telling me about exams he needs to pass for 5 years plus and so far has passed not a single one, despite having a year off effectively. He did finally find a job a year ago, and was in a series of short time gigs but contributed no more than 500 pounds a month to our budget. I was paying the other 1600 or so,in different expenses and mortgage/bills. The rest of his salary went on more mysterious tax bills. Now for the last 4 months he has moved to another town and apparently makes good money ( about 4 grand net a month) but I see none of it because it is all to pay more of his overdue taxes, so he says. He still refuses to disclose where this money is going but I do get letters from HMRC threatening fines if this or that does not get paid. But if he pays taxes all the time what happens to the rest of his income? He refused to show me his accounts after 5 years of marriage and I am in complete dark. Through my determination and paid for by my money alone and we also got a cycle from
NHS I did finally get pregnant. But this means I will have no income and we also live in a shoebox where there is no room for twins. We desperately need a bigger house and I even managed to save for down payment ( the flat he bought at the top of the market in 2007 is close to negative equity so,no money from sale here) but I am worried about entering in any financial arrangements with my own husband, because I don't trust him, including buying a property together. I wanted to put the savings I made against the mortgage we have on the shoebox we live in (on which I paid full mortgage for 2 years although I have no ownership claim) so at least the mortgage is smaller but he did not sort out the paperwork that would give me ownership rights to part of it, despite having promised to. I simply don't know what to do. Given lack of trust and the fact he may have more mysterious skeletons in his financial closet I am not putting a penny of my life savings on a property that is in his name alone and that is not suitable for the twins I am expecting anyway. I don't know what to do because if he simply refuses to show me his accounts or add my name to the flat then there is nothing I can do. Does anyone have any advice? I can't afford to buy a bigger house for the twins on my own and the savings I made through the years are not enough for a substantial down payment. Worst of all there is breakdown of trust in my marriage that is undermining its very foundation. I am exhausted from working like a slave 12 hour days in late pregnancy, because I can't afford to go on maternity leave - I work in private sector and there are no cushy provisions for pregnant women. It is strictly the minimum statutory leave/pay. I just see no future for us, and I told my husband that if he can't manage to run a limited company which seems to be like a tax black hole that is dragging us down rather than giving us income he should get a normal job. But the truth is simply I don't know if it is taxes to what else that have swallowed 75% of his income in the last 2 years since he got a job and before. There were a few other incidents on top when he said he needed 5 grand for this tax and another 5 for another but I did not even mention it. The fact is he never recovered after the 30K "tax" debacle 4 years ago and I don't know even if this was about tax or someone conned him otherwise. He is very easy to con and gullible and gets ripped off on everything he buys. But he won't accept my device with catastrophic financial consequences. The flat he bought in 2007 was a cheaply built new build, fitted with the cheapest, worst quality materials and with a massive leak in the roof which only became apparent after he spent 2 grand or so of his own money finding out where the water is coming from, rather than claim insurance. He refused to have me handle this which lost us probably 20.000 pounds because rather than claiming insurance on the massive damage ( half of the floor space was rotten and we had to rip it out and replace) he decided to handle it his way. I put about 10 grand into the refurb as well because we had to rip out bathrooms which were leaking and replumb. So this flat effectively with all the work cost us about 24Ok but it's current value after sales costs is about 160 k of which 90 percent is outstanding mortgage. So the 10k that would be left from sale of the flat is the net wealth my husband managed to build at the age of 44 and he only managed to keep the flat because I was paying the living costs for 5 years and all of the mortgage for 2 years. I just feel there is no way i can build any nest for the twins with my husband hemorrhaging money like this left right and centre. Thank goodness I kept my account separate after marriage or the saving I made would be gone too since it really all we have now.
You lost me at " he is infertile" is there anything you don't blame him for?
I recommend that you get legal advice without delay. A lot of solicitors provide a free half an hour consultation. Please also contact Women's Aid. They can perhaps recommend a solicitor and can give you advice regarding finances and housing. I have never been in your situation but I did leave an abusive marriage with a 2 year old and another baby on the way. Women's Aid was an invaluable source of advice for me back then.
My husband had wasted away all our money and did not work so there were no financial implications because he had nothing. I was heavily in debt trying to keep us afloat.
I left him and rented a flat privately. I got help with housing benefit and got working family tax credit when I returned to work. I had the children's benefit and got help with child care costs. I found things relatively easier when the children were babies because for the first few years they can pretty much sleep anywhere and don't need expensive toys or clothes.
If you chose to leave your husband your children will not go through any trauma related to a break up. Your main outlay will be nappies, food, fuel and clothing. As a single parent you will get help some assistance.
Make no mistake he is abusing you financially. I know it looks like your problems are insurmoutable but you can get yourself out of this mess. No man should ever put his heavily pregnant wife in a situation where she has to work 12 hours a day. That is a disgraceful way to treat your wife and unborn children. He is a poor excuse for a husband and father to be. He won't suddenly get any better.
It sounds like he did not have any insurance on the flat. Either that or he put in a claim and did not tell you.
Maybe the threat of you leaving will shock him into action. Only you know what the best thing is for you and your babies. Don't be scared to leave because you CAN leave and things will get better for you. You and your babies deserve better treatment. Don't be afraid to go it alone. You can do it. I did it with nothing and lots of other mums have done it too. Look after yourself and get some rest before the babies arrive. You can get yourself out of this mess. Please believe me! My DC are 18 and 16 now but back then we were very cosy together in our tiny flat. We eventually moved to a bigger house and life goes on.
SoontobeSix, I can only assume that your post was a sick joke.
No it wasn't a joke it wasn't relevant who was Infertile. It read as another criticism of her dh.
My first thought is that I would be suspicious that he is gambling. It sounds like a lot of money has mysteriously disappeared over the years.
Soon! I read it as a statement if fact. If the OP had said "he has asthma" would you see that as a criticism. Some people have asthma; some are infertile.
I didn't read it as a criticism, I read it as her clarifying why she required IVF (posters could have thought perhaps it was down to her being of ill-health, which would further implicate her situation, for example).
I cannot top browsers ' post, but I have to emphasise that you CAN escape this situation and you must.
He won't get any better-he'll probably get worse. I think it may get harder to leave as time goes on, so do it now. This man is dishonest and financially abusive, and your babies deserve better. So do you.
If he won't be totally honest with you, and you can't trust him, you'd quite frankly be better off without him! You'd be high priority for social housing if line parent of young kids, get hb, tax credits etc which would frankly be more stable, if lower, income than could expect from him, and he'd have to pay child support as well. Or you can stay with him and never know what's happening with finances or any idea of what you have coming in each month, and basically have 3 dependants who offer you no support! Good luck and congratulations on your babies
As lone parent of young kids that should say! Damned autocorrect!
Congratulations on your twins. Try not to worry. You don't need a bigger place. kids grow up happily with unconditional love, food & warmth. All that's needed is a crib, nappies & Mummy. Can't comment on your hubby but he doesn't appear very transparent/supportive.
I am so sorry you are going through so much OP. He sounds like he has been dishonest with you for a long time. Do not buy a house with this man, make sure it's in your name and your name only. personally, I see a lot of holes in this story. if you have no idea of his finances - how do you know he used to earn a big salary - or was he just getting into debt? I think now is time for him to share with you the details of his income because if not, he is hiding it. What is it? gambling? He needs to come clean with you completely and if not, I'd be saying goodbye. Sorry to state the obvious
As you are married you are already linked financially, you need a solicitor to unpick it.
As your savings and the flat would be seen as part of the marriage?
Do not buy a house with this man, make sure it's in your name and your name only
Except I understood that when people are married their property automatically belongs to both of them no matter whose name it is. I am not a lawyer, so don't take my word for that, just an avid follower of MN.
From the sounds of it, OP, the love has gone along with the respect. If that is the case, you definitely have nothing to gain by hanging in there with him and everything to lose.
I can imagine where he got it wrong.
Lots of people who work for instance in IT claim that they are contractors.They gain financial profit by using umbrella companies to "employ" them and they only are paying minimum tax.
Your dh might have then been investigated by Inland Revenue and when found that he was trying to hide the fact that he was in fact employed for months or years by the same company he was claiming to be contracting. It happened to someone and he had to pay 6 years worth of taxes, hundreds of thousands of pounds!
Your dh was perhaps ordered to pay taxes he owed to IR and every single penny of it!
When did he arrive in UKL? Soon after 2004?
I would go and see a lawyer as his wife you may be liable for his debts.
He may owe IR thousands more.
Protect yourself and your children.
He won't change his ways.
If he is a limited company can you check details about his company on companies house. I believe you can access his company financial data via this website too companycheck.co.uk. Please check the t and c's etc before using it. Apparently it shows ccjs etc too.
I couldn't deal with the stress of living with such a man.
It sounds like you have had enough. Put your plans in place to leave him, this will give you options.
Have you got someone in real life to speak to? You will feel vulnerable post birth and you will need support.
He sounds like a conman. And he's sucking you dry.
I would separate finances and leave. You will be less stressed without him.
Why on earth wouldn't she blame him? He sounds like a complete and utter tosser!
OP - why are you even with this man? There is nothing in it for you.
It sounds like he's already living somewhere else - is that right? IN which case, you are already on your way to separation. I'd go for divorce if I were you and concentrate on you and your babies.
(However, no need to be so sniffy about the maternity rights that you have - they are way, way, way better than when I had my children, about a million years ago)
From what you say, he probably does not earn as much as he claims to. But if course you don't know as he is being secretive.
If you divorce him, all the financial details will have to come out in any case.
Although it sounds overwhelming, you can do this alone if you want to.
I can't help asking though, why you went through cycles of IVF not trusting your own husband and not happy with your living arrangements. Fertility treatment requires a rock solid relationship and your babies are more planned than if you had conceived them in the conventional way.
If you are married it doesn't matter that your name is not on the deeds, it is seen as a joint asset.
Go for a free half hour with a solicitor.
I would get myself separated from him financially. Unfortunately I don't think a free half hour with a solicitor will be in any way long enough to do this.
It must be an incredibly strain on you. I know twins will be tough alone, but I can't see him being any help at all.
I'm confused... if the lies started from day one of the marriage, and you can't trust him, why were you trying to hard to start a family with him?
Now you've been married and got babies on the way, OP, can you manage without him? Because that sounds like the better option.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.