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My husband makes no money and lies about it all the time. I am de facto the breadwinner.

37 replies

Dhamma1980 · 07/11/2014 02:06

This would not be bad in and of itself but I simply don't trust him any more. Also I am pregnant with twins and I simply in 2 months will have no income but the ridiculous maternity allowance that barely pays for nappies. But worst of all, by far, is that I can't trust my own husband. This started on day one of our marriage when without telling me he paid for most of his extended family's attendance of our wedding, which took place in Poland. I thought we agreed we pay for the party and the accommodation, for one night but he apparently paid for much more. My parents paid most of the costs, I paid 3 grand and he paid 6 grand and I thought that was it. But it looks like in addition he paid for a lot more. Since he has 10 brothers and sisters and they all have families the expense must have been astronomical, how much, I will never know. Then he worked as a consultant and seemingly made good money, so much so that for 2 years I did not have to pay a mortgage and house bills and I only paid for our food, holidays, petrol, clothes etc, which roughly amounted to 2/3 of what he paid for. Then one day he announced he has (surprise, surprise) 30.000 pounds tax bill to pay from his previous company that allegedly was stolen from him by the umbrella company that also conned " thousands" of contractors, only he did not remember the name of that company and for 4 years since refused to give me any details. Then he was unemployed for a year and spent this year doing nothing but whining and blaming me for putting him under pressure. In the meantime I was working full time to keep us going, doing 5 ivf attempts ( he is infertile) and working until,1 am after my usual work to do my post grad training, which I managed to complete through bitter hard struggle after 5 years. He, on the other hand has been telling me about exams he needs to pass for 5 years plus and so far has passed not a single one, despite having a year off effectively. He did finally find a job a year ago, and was in a series of short time gigs but contributed no more than 500 pounds a month to our budget. I was paying the other 1600 or so,in different expenses and mortgage/bills. The rest of his salary went on more mysterious tax bills. Now for the last 4 months he has moved to another town and apparently makes good money ( about 4 grand net a month) but I see none of it because it is all to pay more of his overdue taxes, so he says. He still refuses to disclose where this money is going but I do get letters from HMRC threatening fines if this or that does not get paid. But if he pays taxes all the time what happens to the rest of his income? He refused to show me his accounts after 5 years of marriage and I am in complete dark. Through my determination and paid for by my money alone and we also got a cycle from
NHS I did finally get pregnant. But this means I will have no income and we also live in a shoebox where there is no room for twins. We desperately need a bigger house and I even managed to save for down payment ( the flat he bought at the top of the market in 2007 is close to negative equity so,no money from sale here) but I am worried about entering in any financial arrangements with my own husband, because I don't trust him, including buying a property together. I wanted to put the savings I made against the mortgage we have on the shoebox we live in (on which I paid full mortgage for 2 years although I have no ownership claim) so at least the mortgage is smaller but he did not sort out the paperwork that would give me ownership rights to part of it, despite having promised to. I simply don't know what to do. Given lack of trust and the fact he may have more mysterious skeletons in his financial closet I am not putting a penny of my life savings on a property that is in his name alone and that is not suitable for the twins I am expecting anyway. I don't know what to do because if he simply refuses to show me his accounts or add my name to the flat then there is nothing I can do. Does anyone have any advice? I can't afford to buy a bigger house for the twins on my own and the savings I made through the years are not enough for a substantial down payment. Worst of all there is breakdown of trust in my marriage that is undermining its very foundation. I am exhausted from working like a slave 12 hour days in late pregnancy, because I can't afford to go on maternity leave - I work in private sector and there are no cushy provisions for pregnant women. It is strictly the minimum statutory leave/pay. I just see no future for us, and I told my husband that if he can't manage to run a limited company which seems to be like a tax black hole that is dragging us down rather than giving us income he should get a normal job. But the truth is simply I don't know if it is taxes to what else that have swallowed 75% of his income in the last 2 years since he got a job and before. There were a few other incidents on top when he said he needed 5 grand for this tax and another 5 for another but I did not even mention it. The fact is he never recovered after the 30K "tax" debacle 4 years ago and I don't know even if this was about tax or someone conned him otherwise. He is very easy to con and gullible and gets ripped off on everything he buys. But he won't accept my device with catastrophic financial consequences. The flat he bought in 2007 was a cheaply built new build, fitted with the cheapest, worst quality materials and with a massive leak in the roof which only became apparent after he spent 2 grand or so of his own money finding out where the water is coming from, rather than claim insurance. He refused to have me handle this which lost us probably 20.000 pounds because rather than claiming insurance on the massive damage ( half of the floor space was rotten and we had to rip it out and replace) he decided to handle it his way. I put about 10 grand into the refurb as well because we had to rip out bathrooms which were leaking and replumb. So this flat effectively with all the work cost us about 24Ok but it's current value after sales costs is about 160 k of which 90 percent is outstanding mortgage. So the 10k that would be left from sale of the flat is the net wealth my husband managed to build at the age of 44 and he only managed to keep the flat because I was paying the living costs for 5 years and all of the mortgage for 2 years. I just feel there is no way i can build any nest for the twins with my husband hemorrhaging money like this left right and centre. Thank goodness I kept my account separate after marriage or the saving I made would be gone too since it really all we have now.

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SoonToBeSix · 07/11/2014 02:36

You lost me at " he is infertile" is there anything you don't blame him for?