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getting divorced but parents for life how does this work then?

(8 Posts)
greenberet Sun 02-Nov-14 18:09:38

DH left in summer after affair with OW which is still ongoing. Going through divorce process and I have tried to keep communication open for sake of kids ( although I have struggled in controlling my anger) & to keep costs down. He has been particularly controlling with financial info and made things v stressful for me and now seems to be having no contact with me whatsoever. Attended mediation and they talked about our commitment as Parents for life - I cant see how this can work - he just doesnt seem to want to engage with me on any level - basic contact arrangement is in place for week & weekends & Xmas but nothing else. There are issues that I feel as parents we need to talk about - such as getting treatment for our son who is suffering emotional stress & also offered to talk about kids xmas pressies & how we do this. I get nothing back. I dont think he has any respect for me even as the mother of his kids and I am starting to feel as though I no longer have respect left for him as their father - this can only be sad for the kids(teens). I am starting to think that the only way to get through this is to behave as though he is dead- which is actually how I feel he is treating me - so to no longer think or consult him on anything and just go ahead and do what I feel is right for the kids. Am I expecting too much or is this something that happens over time.

IPokeBadgers Sun 02-Nov-14 18:13:55

I have no experience but just want to say sorry to hear things are so difficult. Someone with more useful suggestions will be along shortly I am sure!

pieceofpurplesky Sun 02-Nov-14 18:19:38

Hi green / same here but no OW at the time - just selfish bastard having a mid life crisis. Has not had DS overnight as he is staying between his mums and a friends. Sees him in a Saturday for a few hours and a couple on a Wednesday. He never calls DS, doesn't want to be involved in anything he does and when I try to raise issues is really not bothered. He spends more time with his friends and their kids than he does with his own. Obviously I get the blame for everything as he cannot accept he has done wrong in abandoning his family. My DS under CAMHS after reaction to his dad leaving - but dad offers to come alone but seems like it's just to blame me!! So I feel you pain

Crushed2914 Sun 02-Nov-14 18:24:10

Same here. STBXH left me a month ago for another woman, I just had his baby. He doesn't talk to me or make an effort to ask/see her. I suppose he hadn't bonded so doesn't think of her as his, plus he's so wrapped up in his new 'love' haven't talked about Christmas, I just said he'd have to see her little & often when I'm back in my own house (this was recommended by solucitor) I'm not doing any more than that. If he wants to see her, he makes the effort, I don't care if he's uncomfortable around me, he made it that way. Thinking of you, this while situation stinks.

socially Sun 02-Nov-14 18:33:01

You are absolutely right as to the way forward.

Stop trying to make him step up - you can't control what he does or how he interacts with you and the kids - his relationship with his kids is his problem, not yours.

Stop involving him. Make decisions about your kids yourself and if he doesn't like he presumably has avenues open to him, either mediation or the courts.

I would tell the mediator to fuck right off as well. What a patronising thing to say! You can't co-parent with someone who doesn't cooperate, so don't even try.

mynewpassion Sun 02-Nov-14 18:38:58

Get your son treatment for emotional stress. You don't need your ex's permission. Just tell him via email or text because of paper trail.

Don't tell him about christmas or birthday presents. Do your own thing. Let him figure his own presents.

You are parents for life but you don't need to necessarily involve him if he doesn't want to be involve. Inform but not ask for permission.

Handywoman Sun 02-Nov-14 18:58:47

I would communicate by email in a matter-of-fact way. This will prevent him giving the impression you are shutting him out, should it come to legal action.

Then just continue to parent your children and do not delay getting your ds the help he needs.

whyMe2014 Sun 02-Nov-14 21:55:01

Snap - same thing happened to me. My husband left me in August - found out about the OW in Sept and he's now moved to be with her.

We have two children and he's been emotionally and financially abusive.

I just don't recognise the person I married. I think it would have been easier if he had died. (And I know this sounds awful). I initially thought there would be some part of a reasonable person left but after trying to get answers out of him I've given up.

He's not paying enough maintenance and will not even contribute to winter coats and boots for the children. He even wants to take the childrens playstation for his 'new property'.

We maybe parents for life but sometimes only one side takes it seriously!
You carry on bringing your children up and if he wants to be part of it he needs to put the effort in. But if he doesn't bother you know you've done your bit.

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