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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can't control this jealousy :(

108 replies

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:20

I've been married for 15 Years,have four children,our own home etc. I'm so jealous and possessive and I hate it. Hubby doesn't go out much at all but when he does he is stupid,gets ridiculously drunk,goes AWOL,loses things. He's very friendly and the thought of him flirting makes me feel physically sick.
When he's out I sit and torture myself with what he could be doing.Each time he's planning a night out I argue with him for days before hand,I threaten divorce. I just get so unbelievably upset and angry that he's actually going out I can never say goodbye to him when he goes out,usually I tell him I hate him and not to bother coming home
We then don't speak for a day or two afterwards. It sucks but I can't help it.
My dad had an affair for years behind our backs and walked out one day and that started my trust issues.
Then I caught hubby exchanging disgusting emails with a colleague in a different part of the country years ago when I was pregnant which gutted me. Nothing physical happened,he was being stupid,they never met but it still made me wary. I know I chose to stay but I love him and he's a good dad.He's never cheated,he works hard but I just don't trust anyone and I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:

Report

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 18:27

He broke your trust and you chose to stay and punish him for the rest of his life. I'm surprised he puts up with it as it sounds like you're quite abusive.
Does he have a problem with alcohol?

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:32

Thanks. He only goes out every couple of months perhaps,that's when I flip. Otherwise everything is lovely and great,we are best friends. I just panic at the thought if him doing something to risk it. No he doesn't have a problem with alcohol.

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/04/2014 18:33

It sounds like the issues of him emailing that woman have never been resolved. How friendly is he ?

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 18:34

Thing is, the lack of trust is your issue. Taking it out on him isn't acceptable. You see that, right?

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:34

I'm not abusive. I'm paranoid,scared and don't know how to control it and learn to trust. It's hard to trust when every person you've loved or trusted in the past has let you down.

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 18:35

If a woman came on and said her husband behaved like you did the chorus would be "he's verbally abusive" followed by a mix of "he needs counselling" or "leave the bastard"

So, the choice is yours.... get yourself some counselling or leave the poor sod

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 18:36

Cross post.

OP, sorry, but actually you ARE abusive. You may not be physically abusive but you are verbally/psychologically abusive.

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 18:38

If you can't trust him then you need to end it with him. Not hang onto him and make him miserable every few months. Arguing with someone and threatening divorce because they want to go out is abusive and controlling no matter what the reason for it. He can't change history. If you can't forgive him then break up with him.

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:38

Badbaldingballerina123.. He's not overly friendly,he's just a nice outgoing guy. Nothing sleazy but I'm incredibly jealous and I admit it.
And you're right,those emails go through my head lots still even seven years on.
CailinDans,tbh till now I've not seen it as entirely my issue no :-/ I've always half blamed him for sending the mails in the first place because up till then we both had a very healthy social life separately and I didn't mind him going out at all :(

OP posts:

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:40

Poor him eh.
Poor him for describing in graphic detail what he wanted to do to this woman whilst I was oregnant with his child.
Thanks for the replies. Pretty much knew what replies I'd get for being so honest. Should have left at the time,you're all right.

OP posts:

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:43

Actually maybe I'll just leave him here with the kids,let them be happy. I've reached the end of being able to Cope with feeling like this. I don't like being like this. Can't see a way forward.

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 18:44

I refer you to my earlier posting.

COUNSELLING.

CailinDana · 07/04/2014 18:44

He did something awful. No doubt about it. But you chose to stay. Him behaving that way doesn't give you the right to abuse him. For the relationship to have any hope you have to move on from what he did. If you can't then that's the end I'm afraid.

FolkGirl · 07/04/2014 18:45

You should have kicked him out at the time, yes.

That's what I would have done. As I've said before on here, I kicked my exH out for discovering less than that. I know I'd never have been able to get over it, I would have behaved exactly as you are doing, and I know that. I didn't want to put myself through feeling the way you describe (I can well imagine it too), and I didn't want him to have the power to make me feel so bad, and so I kicked him out.

Feeling jealous is fine, but your behaviour is what is at fault here. You need to find a different way of managing your feelings because it is abusive.

Tiredstilltired · 07/04/2014 18:47

What does he do to make you trust him?

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:47

At the time I had a two year old,a one year old and was pregnant. Everything had been fantastic,or so I thought,up till then. I honestly thought I could forget it and 99 % of the time it's lovely. Then I panic when he goes out.

OP posts:

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:49

Tiredstilltired.. He works hard,he's affectionate,he calls me lots just to say he loves me. He's so proud of the children,he's my best friend,he's a fantastic dad. He does lots to show he's commited he really does.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 07/04/2014 18:53

And yet he's a victim of domestic violence and your kids see their mother abuse their father?

If you're not willing to sort out the past so it can be put to bed and you can move on then you need to split up. You cannot continue to abuse this man with no end in sight.

DubBgoodToMe · 07/04/2014 18:53

You need to talk to him about those emails. Explain to him how much they hurt you and that it is because of these that you act the way you do.

This is the only way to move past them.

Has he done anything to make you think he would cheat in the last seven years or has he been an upstanding husband? You do need to change your attitude because it isn't fair on him. As a previous poster said, if you were a man saying you'd done this you'd be getting a very negative response! I think counselling is a great idea.

DubBgoodToMe · 07/04/2014 18:54

X post. So he's been great and you need to overcome this. For him

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:55

He's a victim of domestic violence????
And FYI I do not argue in front of my children Thankyou.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 07/04/2014 18:56

I don't believe you.. you said what you do over a course of days.

And yes domestic violence.. its not all about hitting people.

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Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:57

Gamerchick I couldn't give a toss what you believe tbh. I do not argue in front of my children.

OP posts:

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:58

He will be home in ten minutes. Ill tell him I'm leaving and he can have everything. I'm finished.

OP posts:

DubBgoodToMe · 07/04/2014 18:59

You may not argue in front of the children but this is emotional abuse and unfair to him. We're here to help, if you'll let us

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