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Please tell me, is this as bad as I think?

(185 Posts)
SpringtimeForHitler Mon 21-Oct-13 09:46:53

I really need advice, I just don't know what is normal anymore.

My DH works full time, often has to work til 1pm Saturday and sometimes Sunday too.

I was made redundant while on maternity leave with DD (who is now at school) and 3 years later had DS. DH's unpredictable hours would make it very difficult for me to work.

Last night we had an argument and he said he thinks I have used him to get what I want (kids and house) and now that I have it I've turned nasty.

His reasoning is that he doesn't get as much sex affection as he would like. My sex drive has nose-dived, I am always knackered, I do not find being a mother easy.

Every single time we have an argument he sneers get a job and says why don't we just get a divorce. The next morning it's like it never happened.

Is it normal for husbands or DP's to say things like this when you have an argument? I'm so tired of it. sad

I don't want to drip feed so I should say that around the time DD was born and for about a year after he was utterly vile to me. He used to say really horrible things. I threatened to leave and he promised to stop, which he did. But now I think maybe he hasn't stopped, maybe it was so bad back then that what he does now seems ok and not so bad?? <sigh>

Itstartshere Fri 13-Dec-13 10:20:00

Good for you, a huge well done. Onwards and upwards, may you have lots of happy times in your house. And Merry Christmas.

What a manipulative, nasty arse your ex sounds.

wordyBird Fri 13-Dec-13 00:35:09

What a wonderful update!
It's so good to hear that you feel the happiest you've ever been smile
You're right that you don't need to justify it to anyone. You were in the marriage, they weren't: only you know what it was like.
Bravo springtime. Here's to the future. wine

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 13-Dec-13 00:30:46

I am so glad he didn't wear you down. Well done OP.

melanie58 Fri 13-Dec-13 00:03:34

Congratulations. So glad it's worked out well for you - and it will continue to get better, I have no doubt. Well done.

SpringtimeForHitler Thu 12-Dec-13 23:26:09

Hi, not sure if people are still following this thread, but thought I would update smile

Please excuse typos, I'm on my phone.

I moved into my new house a couple of weeks ago! Me and my DC are very, very happy.

On moving day my friends and family rallied together for me and fetched furniture, put it all together for me and filled my cupboards with food smile I walked around feeling like I was going to throw up. The day after I moved in I had a MASSIVE panic, thinking oh my god what have I done. I think I was quite hard nosed about everything so it was only afterwards that it really sunk in, what I had done.

My Mum talked me through it, and within a couple of days when I had had time to process what happened I felt great!

My ex has reverted back to type, which proves I made the right decision. He has tried everything to make me go back but I think has finally given up.

He cannot BELIEVE that I haven't turned up on his doorstep begging to go back, he is genuinely shocked.

I told the kids and they are fine.DD loves going to see Daddy at the weekends for a sleepover, DS is too young to understand really.

I am truly, honestly, the happiest I have ever been grin I don't have much money, but I don't care. I have no one to answer to, no one to criticise me at all.

The relationship I've got with my kids has drastically improved as I am so much more relaxed, not constantly stressing about the latest argument.

Only now that I'm out if that relationship can I see how truly unhappy I was, so depressed and snappy with the kids.

I want to thank every single person who replied to my thread for supporting me.

I have trouble explaining to people why I left him, as it was all such low-level bullshit over years and years. I recently read a post on the relationship board (I'm sorry I don't remember the posters name) they said that

Everybody has the right to not be in a relationship if they choose not to be

I'm not going to try and explain myself to people anymore, I don't need to justify it to anyone. I don't miss him at all.

TheOpposibleThumb Sun 10-Nov-13 11:29:32

So happy for you, you will do more than cope, you will FLOURISH!!!!!

Lweji Sun 10-Nov-13 10:59:37

I could be wrong, but can't you get housing benefit to cover the interest on the mortgage?
Check it out.

Anyway, I'm happy for you. smile
If you do rent elsewhere make sure it's as far from his new place as possible. wink

Jux Sun 10-Nov-13 10:51:59

Oh he is a twat grin

SpringtimeForHitler Sun 10-Nov-13 10:35:38

Oh and he made me laugh last week, says that as he has to be work really early he will be unable to drop DD at school if she stays there during the week. No problem, I said, he could just drop her at mine on his way to work.

He had a better idea, " you can just stay at mine the night before and go straight from there"


SpringtimeForHitler Sun 10-Nov-13 10:30:23

I would have liked to keep the house chipping, but I haven't worked since DD was born so would never have been able to pay the mortgage. Am going to have to claim housing benefit for a while, but I'm going to take the opportunity to retrain so hopefully I won't be on benefits for too long smile

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 10-Nov-13 10:28:26

I also meant to say - well done you brew flowers I read the whole thread with my heart in my mouth just hoping you had found the courage to ignore his pitiful whining and you have smile

As for him living near-by to 'keep an eye on you' hmm Idiot.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 10-Nov-13 10:26:37

Just a thought - but how much is the rent v the mortgage?

You don't have much equity in the house, so you wouldn't owe your DH anything - would you not be better off keeping the house?

expatinscotland Sun 10-Nov-13 10:11:57

Good on you!

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 10:02:39

What a complete arse he is! A controlling one at that as he wants to keep an eye on you, he's probably convinced himself that you've found another man already as you couldn't possibly be able to live and cope on your own angry

Onwards and upwards x

SpringtimeForHitler Sun 10-Nov-13 09:49:28

Hi everyone, just a small update smile

The house is mine, they have taken it off Rightmove and everything grin

Just waiting for references and paperwork, will hopefully be in there in the next two weeks!

Have told all my friends and they were shocked and upset that I had been so upset and they hadn't had a clue. They have all rallied round and have offered washing machines, fridges, saucepans etc, and have also offered to help me move.

H has agreed to sell the house, although he has decided that I won't possibly be able to cope without him, and has very kindly offered to 'take you back in 2 months when you realise you can't cope' hmm he is also trying to find a house very close to mine so he can 'keep an eye' on me.

He is currently away for a week so I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

I still haven't wavered in my decision, though I am dreading telling DD, I know I am making the right decision.

The way he has acted in the past week, patronising me, saying how will I cope, that I'm being daft, all he has ever done is work hard, it just proves he has no respect for me, and actually thinks I'm useless.

I know that whatever happens, I have good friends and family. He can't hurt me anymore, he can't get under my skin, me and my children will be OK. smile

something2say Sat 02-Nov-13 17:28:53

And stop speaking to him, eating with him, washing etc. can you spend weekends away?

somersethouse Sat 02-Nov-13 16:47:54

Good Lord springtime, I have been reading this thread today... your original post is so similar to my husband it is incredible.

My husband has moved out of our rented accomodation thankfully, it is such a relief. (Only because he had to due to a previous incident) Still tries to control me, still financially abusive etc etc.

But, I am posting now to say your husband has realised he has lost, that you are going so has taken your JOINT HOME OFF THE MARKET, to prevent you from leaving. It is pure, pure EA behaviour, yet again.
Please don't waver. This is a dreadful thing he has done.

You sound strong and great. I also have a DD 5 and did my separation mainly for her. Gradually, after only 6 weeks, I have so much more energy, I was totally sapped before, and am a happy mama again.

Again, as I have learned from cogito, but did not realise at the time, the abuse is worse when you have a child. As soon as I gave birth, like you, 5 years ago, the insults and criticisms were appalling. I was running round after my husband and desparate to make hiim happy while looking after a newborn in a foreign country. I was truly trapped and he had certainly upped the ante. It was the worst time of my life.

I think I would have ended up in a mental institution had I not threatened legal action and booted him out recently. Things never change, I have given chance after chance.

Also, you will get the odd Friday or Saturday night off now! He will have to pull his weight with the children... see how he likes that. Courage OP, courage, you can get through this.

Sending love from Spain xx Seek legal advice regarding your house as others have said and do it now.

lazarusb Sat 02-Nov-13 15:37:33

Very quickly - don't sign over your rights in the family home, no matter how little equity there is. Speak to a solicitor asap or Citizens Advice. Can you get access to a crisis loan if you need one?

I think (but check!) that you can still move out & get HB (my SIL did) but any settlement you get at some point when you divorce will be taken into account.

However, I do think WA and/or Shelter should be your first point of contact for advice. Good luck.

wordyBird Sat 02-Nov-13 13:36:25

Get some good legal advice before thinking about a step like this.
This is the family home, isn't it?

chocoreturns Sat 02-Nov-13 12:40:24

stay strong and get advice from Womens Aid if you can't get through to Shelter. They will be able to support you emotionally as well as practically and their helpline is open all weekend (although you may need to try a few times). It took me months to call them after I split from the boys dad, due to his affair, EA, FA and general twattishness. As soon as I did I realised it didn't matter that he hadn't hit me. It was bad enough and so is your situation. You are being controlled and persuaded to stay near him against your will and they can help you get out.

STRENGTH coming to you!! XXX

Lweji Sat 02-Nov-13 12:27:18

I'd think selling to someone else or your part to your husband should be the same thing.

Ask the benefits people.

SpringtimeForHitler Sat 02-Nov-13 12:08:40


SpringtimeForHitler Sat 02-Nov-13 11:21:52

I have put a post in lone parents but I'm going to copy it here if any of you could advise me, I feel desperate.

I have recently split from my husband, though we are still in the same house.

We recently put the house on the market, I spoke to a benefits advisor and she said that if I could prove the house was on the market then I could claim housing benefit on a house I have found via a private landlord.

My H has now decided to take the house off the market.

If I sign the house over to him and he gives me half the equity (not much, about £1500) will I still be able to claim housing benefit? I'm worried they will say I have made myself intentionally homeless. If I can prove that I have legally signed the house over and no longer have any interest in it do you think I can still claim.

I'm terrified I'm going to be trapped here with him otherwise.

lazarusb Thu 31-Oct-13 19:22:45

It didn't take him long to get back to blaming you did it? I left my ex when ds1 was 5 and never looked back. He tried every trick in the book too. He hated that I'd made the decision and he could see there was no going back. Your dd will get used to a new house and different things sooner than you think. When you paint your living room or bedroom your favourite colour and smile at it, she'll see that and be happy that her mummy is smiling again. It's the little things that will make a difference to you both.

Grumpasaurus Thu 31-Oct-13 18:45:45

I've just read through this thread, and can only echo the other comments. He is abusive. He is giving you no reason to like him, so somehow, you have to get to a place of strength inside yourself where you no longer care whether he likes you. I was in an abusive relationship with an older man for about three years; it's amazing the clarity that I have gained about how bad the situation really was, once I finally gathered the strength to leave him. I'm now very happily married, to someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated (and more!), and I only wish I had left the bastard ex sooner.

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