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engaged..but found my dp has been messaging a woman on fb for months

(155 Posts)
holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:37:24

Im so hurt but dont know if im overreacting. I had a hunch unexplainably about this woman. I made dp give me his phone after a row and he had text her the last time that morning to tell her he had a hard on. Im dying inside. He says he never meant any of it.
We were happy I thought
He started it with her. I got all the messages back 3 months. Most are pretty mundane but he has been sexual in some and they have both said they had naughty thoughts. He ends his texts " love you lots lovely **"

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:21:10

I have no support . Im a lone parent. We dont live together although he stays here a lot to save himself money and responsibility. My family are miles away and not that great. I do have friends.
My kids are 19 at uni and 6 with me.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:21:33

We work in the same office :-(

ageofgrandillusion Mon 16-Sep-13 15:23:30

Massively lucky escape love. Might not seem that way now but you will see it one day.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:23:45

Yes his fb status got loads of compliments mainly from women. Hes killed me. I keep texting him asking for explanations :-( He just says he didnt mean any of it

ashleysilver Mon 16-Sep-13 15:27:10

Good idea to deactive your fb. Take care of yourself thanks

"He won't let me tell anyone." You are an adult, he does not own you. If you want to tell someone, you can.

PrincessKitKat Mon 16-Sep-13 15:28:00


Thank goodness you followed your instincts & found out before you're tied to this tosspot.

I would listen to your instincts again about where to go from here. Gross, personal texts to another woman a massive deal - how will a marriage work with all the pressures of life over the years, if he gets twitchy while engaged?!

As an absolute minimum the engagement would be off for me. Let him explain that on FB.

Dahlen Mon 16-Sep-13 15:28:40

First things first, you need to look after yourself. Your MH is important and you need to prioritise that above everything.

Tell your fiance (by text if it's easier) that you're not necessarily breaking it off but that you need space and time to deal with this. If he loves you he will respect that and leave you in peace. Meanwhile, you are aware you will see each other at work and hope you can achieve a polite professional relationship.

If his remorse is genuine, he will do this. If he tries to pressure you in any way, that should tell you something.

If you think you need ADs or counselling, get to the DR and arrange it. See as much of your friends and rant away about him, post on MN, basically weep and rage and get it out of your system. RL support will be what gets you through this, and that is what friends are for.

If you already a lone parent and you're not living together, then you'll know you can cope without him both financially and practically. The emotional hurt will take time to heal, but it will.

No one can tell you what to do. If it were me, I wouldn't give a second chance for something like this, but I am not you. If you decide to make a go of it, you need this time apart in order to make it clear to him what he risks losing if he ever behaves like that again.


Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 15:30:52

Oh my love, its so shit when people turn out not to be the people you expected.

He doesn't feel he owes you an explanation, he is much too important for that. He will minimise, follow the script and hope it will all blow over so he can continue on his merry way.

We don't live together although he stays here a lot to save himself money and responsibility

Keep your head held high, you had a lucky escape from a cheating cocklodger.

Don't keep texting him, don't lower yourself. If you need to say anything tell him as he cant be bothered to admit he is a selfish, entitled egomaniac then you cant be arsed to prop him up emotionally so kindly do one.

overmydeadbody Mon 16-Sep-13 15:32:07

Just leave him. HE is obviously not that into you if he is telling other women about his hard ons <shudder>

overmydeadbody Mon 16-Sep-13 15:32:41

and tell everyone. He can't tell you what to do.

coffeewineandchocolate Mon 16-Sep-13 15:38:34

Stop texting him
End it
If anyone asks tell them the truth
Get on with your life and be thankful of the lucky escape

perfectstorm Mon 16-Sep-13 15:43:19

If you saw messages like that and he's doctored what he let you see, then I would be very suspicious of the whole story, to be honest. What could be so much worse than telling another woman she's given him an erection?

OneLittleToddleTerror Mon 16-Sep-13 15:47:13

Talk to your friends. Tell them. Talk to your 19yo, assuming he also knows him and might even be his fb friend. Talk to you GP or HCP so you can get the support for your depression. You need space and support to get through this. It is going to be hard if you work in the same office. Take care of yourself.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:52:12

Think of this as a blessing in disguise. This has happened now because its saving you from the heartache of marrying this man. He doesn't have respect, love, loyalty to you. These are some of the foundations of a relationship which you don't have. As hard as it is, you need to move on with your life. You deserve better. thanks

Wellwobbly Mon 16-Sep-13 15:53:06

He says he feels relieved its over. - yeah, I got told that too. didn't stopping him getting back in touch as soon as things got hard again...

You know OP, things are sent to us for a reason. Is this a message that you must stand on your own two feet, and you can't find happiness through someone else?

Why are you depressed, do you know? All the best OP.

Twinklestein Mon 16-Sep-13 16:12:02

What a lucky escape that you found out this man is a liar & cheat before you married him! Nor am I impressed that he stays with you to save him 'money & responsibility'.

Go to your GP & get some mental health support to help you deal with the fall out.

Don't ask for any more explanations, the explanation is that he's not good enough. And tell who the bloody hell you like.

rainbowfeet Mon 16-Sep-13 16:17:39

The love you lots lovely would upset me more than the sexual stuff... hmm

sisterofmercy Mon 16-Sep-13 17:07:29

You are already semi-independent because you don't officially live together. This is a good thing.

Talk to anyone you want to. He doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Perhaps you could tell him you are taking a break. It could be permanent but you don't have to decide right now. You just need some space.

You might need to tell your line manager if you trust them. If the relationship ends for good you may find that one of you leaves to do a different job. It's just the way of things so keep an eye out just in case something suitable turns up.

Definitely see the doctor and tell her you have had a shock and your relationship is up the creek. Ask for help coping with the enormous stress and pain.

You sound like someone who manages to survive despite all the odds. You have beaten depression at least once. You have brought up two lovely children on your own and the eldest in at University. You can get through this.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 17:15:02

Bollocks to not telling anyone. If he doesn't want people to think he's a liar and a cheat he shouldn't lie and cheat. You need support, tell as many people as you like.

Also perfectstorm is right about the doctoring. Very likely the deleted texts are referring to meet-ups, I can't see what else they can be.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 17:16:02

The love you lots lovely def upsets me more

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 17:19:37

And yes, stop texting him. It will make you feel worse, and he doesn't have an explanation better than "I'm a lying, cheating knob". Above all don't let him tell you it's in any way your fault that he is sending other women texts about his hard-on.

Have you got a friend or family member who could come over and sit with you? This is the worst bit, you need emotional help and brew.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:22:54

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You will never be able to trust him. He is a cheater. He has no respect for you. You will be so much happier without him. Eventually. But first you have to get through this really difficult time.

Tell him you need a break. Do not take his calls or allow him into your home. At work you might need to speak to someone senior to let them know the situation. Do you work closely together or could you be separated for a bit?

iwasyoungonce Mon 16-Sep-13 17:23:05

Your kids will be more upset if you marry him, then a few years down the line it all goes wrong because he's done it again. You'll either be stuck in a miserable marriage (which they will know, and feel) or you'll be splitting up, after they have got used to him being their stepdad.

Don't for gods sake marry him. You will regret it BIG time. You will oook back and think "why didn't I end it when i had the chance?"

NOW is your chance. You can't ignore this MASSIVE red flag - he is NOT the man for you or your kids.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 16-Sep-13 17:57:57

What an arse.
Imho, it is who he is. He will not change . If you stay with him (under any guise of apology, remorse, etc which are just more lieing lip service) then that tells him you will tolerate it. Not putting up with it will mean ending the relationship. Sorry.

It is better to end it so you will have a clear field, so to speak, to recover. I feel that any connection with him will continuously feel like a stab in the heart for you. You will need to manage your emotional disconnection from him quickly and effectively to be able to get through your workday.

Also, I believe you know all you need to know. Reading all the communications and picking apart the relationship is just being cruel to yourself. You really do not need to know the details. It is all just more shit you will have to process and recover from, therefore:you do not want to know. That will also give you some dignity, self esteem, and begin creating the emotional boundary you need to detach. Kick him to the curb with the trash, bleach your place, and consign it all to history.

Good luck and brew.

Hissy Mon 16-Sep-13 18:41:32

How long have you been with him, and how long were you depressed?
Sometimes our bodies give us conditions when we're ignoring instincts.

You'll be fine, you really will!

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