Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

(344 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:14:03

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

HidingFromDD Sun 15-Sep-13 10:50:45

Ok, while I don't think this would work for me, it's obviously something you have given a lot of thought to. It will only work for you if you can feel in control of the situation, and understand that you are doing this from a position of strength, it is not something you should feel ashamed and dirty about.

There's some 'practicalities' that you need to consider (like how to make it as quick as possible, introduce lube beforehand etc), which should make things easier for you, and perhaps treating it like just another job will allow you to disengage emotionally about it. You need to make sure that when you come out of this you accept that you did what needed to be done in a bad situation, and give yourself credit for that, not feel ashamed or guilty.

And before I get flamed here, whilst I haven't been in this situation as an adult, I had a physically and emotionally abusive (not sexually) parent and learned that sometimes it really isn't possible to get out right away, you just do what has to be done until the situation can be changed...

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 15-Sep-13 10:51:27

OP, taking you at your word and answering the question you are actually asking :

Could you describe the sex more? Is it just normal intercourse but upsetting because you hate him? Or does he push for freaky or demeaning acts?

Going passive may not be the way. Maybe you should be sexually aggressive and initiate it a lot. Be more powerful that way? I would think he might not like it and would soon be turning you down. I'm an asshole, and I can see myself doing that just to feel in control.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 15-Sep-13 10:51:38

Nobody on here is going to give you any "tips" on how to "get through" being raped on a regular basis, sorry.

Please get in touch with women's aid.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:52:08

Yes I agree children need good relationships modelled to them. And I'm doing my utmost here for that.

Yes my counsellor knows. It's not an easy situation for her to advise on. We are working on ways of possibly getting out earlier but it can't be rushed and has to be planned. Until then I have this hanging over me every night when I come to bed.

Flipper934 Sun 15-Sep-13 10:52:21

I'm not going to ask you to justify why you're still there, though I do agree with previous posters. Instead, I'll take you at face value, and accept that you know your situation and that you really can't leave.

This leaves you with two choices - refuse sex and put up with a high level of tension, or accept a sexual relationship that makes you feel dirty and ill. You are asking for help in managing the latter situation. I think people will find it hard to offer any help with this, because it just feels so very wrong. Would it not be better to look at how you can manage the tension that results from not having sex?

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:52:40

Sorry, Hiding, I find your post well intentioned, but sickening.

Introduce lube?

Where should the OP buy this? Online, or should she pop into the nearest Boots to buy the lube that will allow a man who makes her skin crawl to have sex on her against her will?

No. No, no, no.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 15-Sep-13 10:52:45

I stand corrected hmm.

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:55:10

I could put up with any amount of tension in the house.

Bollocks to him. Let him slam all the doors he likes.

That's far easier to ignore than him climbing on top of you and having sex against your will.

I can give you all the coping strategies you need to cope with a grown man acting like a petulant child, but nobody on here is going to enable a rapist.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:55:12

Hidingfrom - thank you. It's that kind of thing I need to know.

I'm really sorry that it's such a horrible situation to ask for help on. To the poster who asked if it was always like this? No I loved him, married him and built a life with him and then one day realised just how EA he was and that I deserved better. And the scales fell off.

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:56:22

Really good idea from flipper - could you manage the tension?

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:56:34

Oh, it seems they are.

Initiate it a lot?

Good grief.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:57:03

I don't care about the tension directed at me. But when he's miserable to the children? Ignores them and patronises them. That I care about. So yeah if I have to be a whore so their lives are happy for a few years then I will do that. I just need to get through it.

Viking1 Sun 15-Sep-13 10:57:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:57:48

I actually nearly threw up from the idea of initiating it. Sorry. I can't do that.

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:58:51

Does the tension noticeably decrease after sex? How often would you have to do it to control the tension?

ALittleStranger Sun 15-Sep-13 10:59:26

So he's a prick towards your children? Do you really think an orgasm or two is going to change that?

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 11:00:02

Far better that he rapes their mother, then?

Being ignored and patronised by one parent while the other one gives you everything you need - plenty of people have this scenario. Your children will just grow up thinking their dad was a twat and their mum was fantastic.

God knows how they'll be affected by living in a house riddled with sexual violence and a completely surrendered mother.

I think I've said all I can say on this matter. Good luck, OP.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 11:00:38

He's like a different man afterwards. Probably once a fortnight would do it. Christ how bloody calculating is it that I'm working out how many times that will need to be sad

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 11:02:13

You hate this man.

So do I, and I've never met him.

Refuse him. With any luck he'll go elsewhere.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 15-Sep-13 11:02:15

I'm just going on the assumption that the EA includes demanding sex that he knows makes the OP feel awful. I can see myself taking that away from him by turning the tables. I've been in a bad EA relationship, so I can picture the dynamic. However, the way I actually dealt with it was to leave.

I can't imagine what situation actually necessitates staying put. It's most likely that the OP is wrong and just thinks she's trapped. But, if I take her at her word, then that's the way I would probably try to cope.

Penguin2 Sun 15-Sep-13 11:03:02

I can understand why Toast doesn't want to manage the tension, having been in a lesser but similar situation to her myself. As she says, it is not the tension directed at her that is the issue, but that directed towards the children who are innocents in this whole situation.

However, if you are nearly physically sick at the thought of initiating sex - well, words fail me. sad

I can't think that any coping strategies could possibly be of any help. I just don't know what else to say except you have my sympathy and I hope you can leave him sooner than you think.

ALittleStranger Sun 15-Sep-13 11:03:12

OP I'm curious as to why you think single parenthood is so horrendous that the current situation is preferable for your children. Why do you think they couldn't be happy if you left?

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 11:03:57

I think if you're seriously considering this then you need to think clearly about what it means for you and for the children.

Op, please answer just one question: is this a visa/custody issue?

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 11:05:08

Single parenthood wouldn't be horrendous. I can think of nothing more lovely tbh.

Every night I fall asleep imagining the life I will be able to lead if I can just get through till then.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now