Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

(933 Posts)
Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 12:25:15

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

shock What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Hoppinggreen Tue 22-Sep-15 09:42:27

Me to my brother ( said very calmly ) " you know I think you should be a bit careful about doing that, it might actually be illegal"
Cue 10 minute rant about how he never liked me, nobody likes me and never will ( I actually have a lovely family and lots of friends). Thankfully it ended with
" get out of my house and never contact me or my family again, my solicitor will be in contact with you "
Haven't seen him for 3 years - it's lovely!!!

Also, I won a prize at school when I was 12 but when I went up on stage to get it ( major event in local theatre with all parents,pupils, staff, local dignitaries etc) I tripped and fell. I was horribly embarrassed. My Father was furious and asked me how I could have done something to show them up so badly.

squishee Mon 21-Sep-15 13:00:22

X"D"P slamming ten year-old photos of my family members whom he automatically hated just because we are close:

"Your DM / DSis / DB-in-law looks old now"
No amount of explaining the natural ageing process would get it through his head, or make him admit that he wasn't above ageing.

He also once declared in all sincerity "I am a God".

He was in fact a despicable entitled arsewipe manipulative narc of the highest order.

The god complex made him think he was above tax law too the tax man soon caught up with him

Lots more where those came from.
Thanks for this thread, it's good to vent!

GrandHighWitch Mon 21-Sep-15 11:47:30

My mother is a real treat! She used to flirt with and turn my boyfriends against me - lots of "why are you with Grand, she isn't a very nice person". I was molested when I was in my early teens and when I tried to talk to her she said "don't be ridiculous darling, who would want to get that close to you".
When I moved in with DS's father she was thrilled - he was everything she wanted in a man and he was a narcissist too so they loved joining forces in their little mind games! I collapsed one day and ended up spending a week in hospital, having rather serious surgery that they though might prevent me from conceiving. M visited on day 4 of my stay and danced into my room laughing and singing about how much weight she had lost and how fabulous she looked. She told me I looked dreadful and then promptly left to go partying with my fiancée for the rest of my stay in hospital.
By some miracle I fell pregnant with DS within a year of my op, so I called with the amazing news. Her exact words were "how could you do this to me?" And then she put the phone down!
There are so many little and large things that have happened over the years - but if ever I question her she accuses me of having a "very vivid imagination"

paulapompom Mon 21-Sep-15 11:40:43

shock at what some people have had to endure! I have cried at this thread flowers for everyone. Neither of my dps ( now passed on) were like this, but I have recognised a few familiar exes in here.

amiamuppet Mon 21-Sep-15 11:14:04

Very touched by your story Medusa.

Imbroglio Thu 17-Sep-15 23:00:04

Medusa what a remarkable story.

You may have had a crap dad but you managed to be a wonderful mother and eventually a wonderful daughter.

I never realised there was a name that explained my DF.. or not so dear.
My earliest memory is of being tormented by him (teased til I cried) aged 3. He never used my name..called me 'the worm'

As I got older he mostly ignored me unless I was around when he came home from the pub, when he was very nasty indeed...made every opportunity to humiliate me in front of friends. He also hit me and Mum (once blacked her eye because one of his work colleagues had popped round and Mum and colleague were discussing classical music.. he felt ignored) He told me I'd fail my A levels, (I didn' grades) I'd fail University (got a better degree than his) and warned my DH not to marry me as I was pointless. My Mum finally got the courage to leave him when I was 17 after one of his many affairs.

I stuck it out.. right into my early 40s. But by then MY kids were teens and had noticed that Grandad..who we saw rarely, always belittled me. THEN he started on DD1 who had just done GCSEs and knew she wanted to be a doctor.

He told her her A level subjects were wrong (they weren't) that she'd never get to Med school as she went to a crap school and she wasn't clever enough.

I finally saw red. Finally got the courage to tell him that if he EVER spoke to her like that again he would never see any of his grandchildren again. He did the sob story to my brother.. (golden child, but lovely) who told him he needed to apologise. When he rang to say ' why are you so mean to me' I gave him 44 years worth of how he made me feel and how he was never going to do it again.

It was so cathartic. AND with the aid of his 3rd and final wonderful wife, he did reel it in a LOT. Never spoke to my kids again that way and his wife came down on him like a ton of bricks every time he even tried to put me down.

Sadly she died 3 years ago.,,and he became very ill just after. Somehow I found myself driving 120 miles to his home every weekend to take care of him. And adults.. we finally had a relationship. He'd still start after a few drinks (he was a functional alcoholic always) but I'd just tell him to shut up and put him to bed grin

He died very suddenly, but the last thing he said to me the weekend before was 'I love you' and despite everything.... I think he did. And that helped somehow to repair the very deep seated damage in me. I will never feel 'good enough' but I feel stronger.

Oh and DD1 is now a doctor ... he died before she qualified this summer but he was very proud of her!

Christ that was long, sorry! But I have never said how he made me feel.. how bad my childhood was... and I now know that he was a deeply damaged man himself. This is an amazing thread.. terrible but also uplifting because we are all survivors one way or another...

TrulySweet Thu 17-Sep-15 22:46:43

I recently told my mum about years of abuse I'd suffered with an ex-bf and the night I took an overdose then miscarried a baby at home the next day (didn't know I was pg) with my mum shouting at me through the bathroom door about me staying out all night (I was a teenager).

I got told it hadn't happened as she would have remembered me staying out all night and I hadn't done that until I moved in with ex-bf.

She also told me she though ex-bf was a very nice young man.

I got no sympathy at all whereas when I told my lovely MIL she cried with me and hugged me tight and told me she loved me and how strong I had been.

Stevenhydesafro1 Wed 16-Sep-15 16:19:08

M blamed me for having to marry my f as she was pregnant with me.
M screamed " you stole my husband" when I disclosed that step father had been sexually abusing me since I was 7
Her favourite line was "the past is the past is the past" meaning nothing was ever spoken about.
There's so much more but I'm getting angry just thinking about the evil bitch.
I've been NC for over 25 years, I fully expect at some point in the future to be told that she wants to see me as she's dying. I grieved for her many years ago and never want to see her again.

lovedoughnuts Wed 16-Sep-15 13:47:56

DM liked to point out ways in which I was 'less than':

You know, when you were born, your Father actually wanted a boy, and was disappointed when you turned out to be a girl. We'd only chosen a boys name, and really weren't expecting a girl, so didn't even think to chose a girls name.

Also, "when I was pregnant with you, your GM said I should have an abortion". (Lovely).

Always making reference to the fact that she had a job before having kids, and that if it weren't for us, she'd be doing this that and the other, and how she couldn't wait for us to leave home, so she could get on with her life.

She loved to tell me if other people had commented on me negatively, i.e. "Your uncle thinks you're weird".

I had been to a friends house to play once, had barely said boo to a goose (I was so shy), and was on my absolute best behaviour. When I got home, DM told me off, because apparently, the other girls mum had said I was ''cheeky'. I still can't believe that one to this day - I had no opportunity to be cheeky!

She was always saying "why can't you be more like so-and-so (usually her sister's daughter)?", and I can remember thinking 'Why on earth would I want to be like them??'

When I chose not to go to college after GCSEs, and go out to work instead, my DM wrote a letter to her sister in the US, telling her all about it, and how disappointed in me the whole family was.....she left it open on the floor in the lounge, just to make sure I'd see it.

She told my Brother that he was her favourite, and being the person he is, he took great delight in telling me (this was during one of her silent treatment spells), and also went on to say that she had said I was a bitch.

Just read all that through.
She doesn't like me much does she?

lovedoughnuts Wed 16-Sep-15 13:30:21

DM had long spells of giving me the silent treatment when I was young, and when I was 17, she was a couple of months into one.

One night, I was involved in a pretty nasty car crash (my boyfriend at the time was driving) the car was a write off, and I was in quite a bad way afterwards.

I went straight home, shaking, crying heavily, and walked into the lounge where she was sitting.
She did not acknowledge that I was even in the room, despite my obvious distress.

In the end (after about 10 minutes of her ignoring me), she said angrily "what's the bloody matter with you?"

So I told her what had happened. It was all my fault of course, for getting in a car with him......

One of my teeth had broken on the impact, and all she could say was "oh well, you'll never be able to forget him then will you?" (He was still my boyfriend).

A few months after the accident, DM gave me a talking to, and expressed her disgust, that my boyfriend had not yet been round to the house to apologise to HER about the crash.

lovedoughnuts Wed 16-Sep-15 13:20:45

MIL, when it was just me & her in the room (she obviously waited until H and his SF had gone upstairs):

MIL: So, you're not really a typical girl are you?
(I was 25 at the time)

Me: Looked at her quizzically...

MIL: Well, I can see you make an effort with your make up, and you dress smartly, but your don't really do much with that do you?
(At the time, I had a job where I had to wear my hair up, and we'd gone straight to theirs for dinner, leaving me no time to style it)


amiamuppet Wed 16-Sep-15 12:00:57

After my dh had an affair, I needed to discuss some things with "d"f due to working at same place and I needed time off. I was devastated as I had no clue about affair and affected me terribly was admitted to hospital eventually.

My DF response to finding out "I don't know what you are so upset about AMI, you must remember that all men have affairs, its just the norm so get used to it"

Not long after this my ds was very ill. He called me as he had heard from another family member that ds was ill. His response "well I tried to warn you not to have kids, but you still went ahead and had them"

He has been married numerous times strange that hmm and one of his previous wives was just as bad as him.

On my wedding day, she told me that I shouldn't have chosen my best friend such a beautiful bridesmaid, as she looked more beautiful than me on the day. Didn't you know you should have picked someone who is not better looking than you to stand by your side....

And people wonder why I have such a low self esteem. Because things like this have been 'normal' my whole life...

afferal Wed 16-Sep-15 09:59:57

A lot of these are so sad. flowers and hugs to everyone.

I could go on all day typing my "D" M corkers from over the years...but this is the one that finally pushed me into NC with her.

"You know I never wanted you don't you..I very seriously considered aborting you. As my daughter I feel you should spend the rest of your life being eternally grateful to me for keeping you" !!

banox Wed 16-Sep-15 07:00:06

I started to read this thread out of curiosity (currently on page 10 so lots still to read) but am astounded to realise there is actually a named description for my family and that I am not alone in the misery I have suffered over the years. I am eldest of 4 (all fucked up in different ways) and here are just a few of my remembrances. ?.

Aged 14, bullied at school, no friends, miserable to the core, sitting on the floor with legs outstretched in front of me and eyes closed trying to keep the world out when my mother said "I suppose you're thinking what nice legs you have, well they're not half as good as mine when I was your age are they Dad". My father agreed they were not.

Aged 15, 2 weeks after my mother forced me to have an abortion after getting pregnant by my first boyfriend, who told me everyone had sex on the first date (I had no frame of reference as to whether this was true as there was no discussion on sex in our house and as this was the 70's none at school, either), she found me sobbing in my bedroom. Asked me what the hell I was crying for now, because she was sick of my bad moods and selfishness, and when I blurted out I wanted my baby she told me it was time I pulled myself together and got over it.........and thatbwas the only mention of the subject which had been ignored from when I came home from hospital.

Been in hospital numerous times over the years, births of all 4 of my lovely DC's, suspected brain tumour, operation for cancer.....never have my parents visited me. Now my sister on the other hand can't have so much as a cold without being visited and cosseted. Said sister hates me with a passion, but everything she does is right, almost everything I do is selfish, thoughtless and just plain wrong.

According to outsiders and wider family, who to be fair know nothing of the real circumstances, I have wonderful parents. And I have no idea why I have aided and abetted my parents in building this fucking awful lie, probably because I have always felt worthless and ashamed and dead sure anyone who found out would say it was all my own fault.

BibiBlocksberg Tue 15-Sep-15 20:47:15

Oh Poppy, what a bunch of mentally ill eff wits they really are! I decided a while back that the likes of us are under no obligation to love 'family' when they are capable only of bringing their uniquer brand of 'love' ie as far removed from the true meaning of it as possible.

Thanks for saying that about my grandma sheba, she was truly awesome. Saved my life as a child, the one person whom i truly know loved me unconditionally from the day i was born.

She actually took me away from my original parents to live with her for a while when the abuse at home got really bad.

I was skeletal i was so starved, still remember her taking me to buy glucose powder to try & build me up again. And eggs, bloody eggs, she was convinced they were the super high way to nutrition, oh the battles the poor woman had to get the damn things into me, hated them, can still only stomach a really dead rubbery yolk smile

I often think about how much courage it must have taken taken for her to go against her own daughter and take me away with her.

Original parents eventually lured me back with endless promises of how things would be different if i came back. Of course they weren't, used to beat myself up over believing them & hurting gran but i was a child, of course i wanted to believe the promises & finally make 'it right' & be loved.

Think i still do which is why i keep meeting more of these types of ghoul.

Never spoken about this publicly, thanks for listening & sorry for essay.

Poppy230829 Tue 15-Sep-15 17:59:31

I forgot the cracker my DF came out with on realising my child was going to be mixed race. ' Poppy will end up with one black, one white and one indian'.

You've got to love family

Poppy230829 Tue 15-Sep-15 17:56:43

When I was 12 my mother left because she was pregnant as a result of an affair and to set up home with him. I was told by both my parents and had to choose who I wanted to live with. She left a couple of days later but because I didn't cry when she left, it never had any effect on me, she says.

Me: I do want to see you, but only want to see you alone
DM: How do you think that makes 'new boyfriend' feel?

Suffice to say, it never happened.

When I had my first child she told anyone that would listen that 'Poppy only had her baby because she was jealous I had a baby' ( She had one the year before ) and that I had the 'June' baby that she wanted and didn't have.

I was upset as my DF disinterest in my children and DM response was, 'well you do know he wanted you aborted, he can't stand kids, that's why you spent some much time with your Nan and Grandad'

She even told my DD that my DF wanted me to abort her.

DMIL has done a couple of corkers too.

DH On announcing he was leaving home DMIL said 'what about me?'

Me: New baby is going to be a girl, we've had a scan today
DMIL: DH must be disappointed, he wanted a boyl.

It will be no surprise to know I am NC with them all.

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 15-Sep-15 17:25:53

Haha, Bibi, your grandma rocks!

BibiBlocksberg Mon 14-Sep-15 22:26:23

Oh yes, ShebashimmyShake (hope i spelled that right, scrolling hand movements restricted by comfy cat who has had vair busy day in the wind & rain smile)

Have a whole new image in my head for 'flying fuck' now & 'goldfish shit'

I am convinced that my warped sense of humour was forged in the 'fires of mount doom' of my fucked up families of origin & am grateful for that. One day i'll be brave enough to take the absurdities of our lives with narcs to the stage.

You've reminded me of a 'what does that mean' innocence of my own (since i appear to be on a 'mimi' roll tonight' smile

I grew up in Germany, my grandmother (also german) had an american boyfriend when i was around 6-8 years old.

One day he stood by the patio doors & went 'bloody fucking weather' - kids being kids i was on that like a fly to shit 'grandma, what does 'bloody fucking weather' mean i remember asking (root of fascination with english language found by the way)

'ooh, says grandma, it means 'it's raining again, dear'

Tickles me to this day smile

Thank you to the poster relating to my feeling stupid when attempting to look after myself post too (cat still restricting scrolling hand sorry smile)

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 14-Sep-15 21:34:09

Well, Bibi, quite!

I thought of a couple of others that make me laugh but might not translate well to text. One time, when Dad was screaming at me for whatever the hell reason that time, he used the phrase 'flying fuck'. I'd never heard it before and got a mental image of a naked couple flying through the air mid coitus. I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. Didn't end well for me, of course, but I still laugh when I think of it, or when anyone says it.

Another time Dad was screaming at Mum because apparently the fish tank wasn't clean enough. He kept shouting, "The house stinks of fucking goldfish shit!" Again, I don't know why I found that so funny, but for some reason I did. My sister did too...we kept looking at each other, pulling a stupid face and saying, "The house stinks of fucking goldfish shit!" and dissolving into giggles. I think it was because he had to keep pausing for breath, which created an unintentional dramatic pause. "The house stinks of - fucking - goldfish shit!" It's all in the comedic timing.

As you may have gathered, he had a foul mouth and every bad word I know, I had learned before the age of four, from him. Once, when we had guests for dinner, I innocently asked, "Daddy, what does shit-for-brains mean?" He got flustered and embarrassed and told me not to say it. I said, "But Daddy, I heard you saying it on the phone earlier..." And I swear to God I wasn't playing up, I sincerely had no idea what it meant. I didn't get into trouble - my mother rightly told Dad afterwards that if he was going to use language like that around me, he had to expect me to repeat and ask about it.

I hope I have entertained...

Imbroglio Mon 14-Sep-15 21:27:18

To get back to my first point - what i really wanted to ask is, does anyone else feel totally ridiculous when setting goals for themselves, looking after your own interests for a change, eating well, trying to set boundaries with others, finding work that fulfils you etc?

I always start off all energised & full of 'right, this is it, i'm going to do this' & then the voices cut in with mocking laughter & sort of 'who do you think you are' 'think you're special do you type messages?

Yes - absolutely. I am older than you and I have only recently learned that its OK to enjoy being good at my job, or that I can be proud of myself. If I got praise at work I would get panicky about what was coming next, what were they really thinking? It was standing up to my family that changed things, though that's still a work in progress.

BibiBlocksberg Mon 14-Sep-15 20:57:41

'why don't you have any respect for me' - ummh, how long have you got 'D' Dad??

I did let out a gallows humour snort @ 'fucking family' &
you're going to 'fucking enjoy it'

Can't do anything but 'enjoy' yourself after such 'tender' words can you.....

tellmeofthetime Mon 14-Sep-15 20:55:06

I could list so many, but from my abusive ExH after I left him and told him the police had photographed my injuries " it's your fault, you've always bruised too easily"
When I told my DM I was holed up with my three DC in a flea ridden rented house where nobody could find us while my solicitor got injunctions etc in place to protect me she's said " you've always thought life should be a bed of roses"

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 14-Sep-15 20:49:23

Just saw that this thread is meant to be for black gallows humour on the subject. So ok...

Dad's racist rant being interrupted by the lovely Hindu lady next door bringing us some delicious home made Indian snacks.

Dad going soft eyed and wibbling to me about how wonderful he was because he only ever hit me with his hand (and fist, and foot, and thrown objects, across the face, in the mouth, you get the idea) and that meant that he had experienced some of the pain too. I truly am laughing at that one as I type, honestly.

Dad, in another soft eyed wibble, after yet another physical assault in which he threatened to murder me, "I held you when you were born, before your mother even held you, you don't understand what it is to be a parent...blub!"

Going on a family outing (joy), sister and me squabbling, Dad screaming and swearing at Mum as was his wont, and then suddenly turning to us all and shouting, "We are going on this outing as a fucking family and we are going to fucking enjoy it!" (No irony.)

And my personal favourite, screamed at a very high level of decibels: "I am going to slap you right across the fucking face you fucking piece of shit, why don't you have any respect for me???"

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now