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I don't feel the same way about him anymore!

(173 Posts)
marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:13:48

I've only been with him just over a year, but its never really been good if I'm honest, I found him very controlling and domineering from the start, though I found him very attractive and there was a connection. He just was so used to being on his own living a batchelor life, he found it hard to be in a relationship, and there was many let down and dishonesty, he has an anger problem and shouts when he doesn't get his own way, he once threatened to throw me out of the car, post intimate pictures of me on fb, generally threatening ,so much so I once called the police. He has a short fuse and its just walking on egg shells most of the time. I don't live with him thank god, but its proving really difficult to get rid of him. I have finished it so many times at least 7 and everytime he wins me back and promises to change. I used to say I loved him but now actually I don't think I do, there's been so many threats, deception my love for him has gone but he won't take no for an answer.

I thought I would try stick things out for xmas, as we have joint xmas presents for the kids, plans made over xmas, but I'm finding it hard. I don't know why as I always thought of myself as a strong person, but he has chipped away at my confidence and made me feel I cannot cope on my own as I have no family around me so I have relied on him.

The other night he was wanting sex, I tried to put him off but he kept on about it so I went along with it, but although I used to enjoy sex with him for some reason, and I generally love sex , it was just an awful experience. It didn't feel special it was all about what he wanted oral sex for him, anal sex which I don't really enjoy it was painful, during the sex he pushed my head to give him oral sex again. He wanted me to do things I didn't want to he didn't make me but I just felt awful. I told him a little how I felt the next day, he sort of comforted me but said I analyse things too much and think too much. I felt he was telling me I shouldn't feel like that and trying to control how I should feel or am I being over dramatic! He did start shouting eventually as he said I didn't listen to him. Basically I've had enough but it is soooo hard to finish it and just thinking I will keep him at a distance as much as possible till after xmas, so not to ruin it too much. I really just need to talk to someone as I am dealing with this myself and hear other peoples opinions that maybe have been in a simular situation.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 20:17:38

It's time to end your relationship, isn't it ? Why wait until after xmas...xmas is for kids, not for excusing adults to stay in damaging situations

Is that what you are asking ?

There is certainly no other outcome that is healthy

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:20:27

I know what your saying anyfucker, but its not that easy or simple, its easy for you say not when your in the situation though

buggerama Sun 25-Nov-12 20:22:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitch Sun 25-Nov-12 20:25:00

You don't love him, it doesn't sound like you like him, you haven't been seeing him for that long. End it, sooner rather than later IMO.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 20:25:01

what is "not easy" ?

you have dc with him ?

you are financially dependent on him ?

you have been with him all your adult life ?

what ?

have not seen any of those boxes ticked so far

if you find it "not easy" it is because you are sabotaging yourself by putting obstacles in the way...have a think about that

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:25:32

yep I need out of this but like I said I am struggling :-(

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:26:33

yeh thanks anyfucker that helps....not!

JustFabulous Sun 25-Nov-12 20:27:20

Finish it now. It isn't a relationship. He only "won you back" because you allowed him too. Don't do it again.

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:28:22

I know I need out, I am asking for help not more critism it is hard when you have someone harassing you, smashing your door down, with no support you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 20:29:10

ok, I'll leave you to it

good luck x

JustFabulous Sun 25-Nov-12 20:29:46

You say you want out so get out.

People are saying you need to get out.

He is already forcing you to do things sexually you don't want and then belittling your feelings.

Don't get stroppy with posters who are trying to help just because they tell you how it is.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 20:30:06

just one more thing

"I have no idea"

yes, I do

JustFabulous Sun 25-Nov-12 20:30:50

What do you want help with?

Telling him?

Call him, tell him it is over. Block his number. Get on with your life.

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:33:06

Its not a case of getting stroppy, I needed support not told what I already know! You might of had your own situation anyfucker but everyones is different. Ok I've obviously come to the wrong place for support but it helped by getting it out for the first time, so I won't trouble you netmums again but thanks for reading!

CocktailQueen Sun 25-Nov-12 20:33:54

Yup, agree with the others - leave him. now. Yuk. He sounds horrible. Change the locks if he has keys to your house, tell him you will inform the police if he stalks you/tries to get in. Be strong. He's just an arrogant asshole. You posted on here and asked what you shoudl do...

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:34:38

ha yeh right justfabulous oh well I tried to get help bye

glitch Sun 25-Nov-12 20:35:07


JustFabulous Sun 25-Nov-12 20:36:41

You sound about 12 now.

Good luck with your future.

wannaBe Sun 25-Nov-12 20:37:39

op, you just said that:

You don't love him
You don't enjoy sex with him
It is proving hard to get rid of him.
You don't want to be with him any more.

You are staying with him because:

You don't want to ruin Christmas
You have bought joint presents for the dc
You don't want to upset him.

Op -

Who's that about? smile

This isn't about people telling you that you need to end your relationship. Only you can decide to do that.

But right now the reasons you've given for not ending it have all been to do with other people. What about you? What do you want?

Think about it for a minute, and then go out and get it. :-)

overmydeadbody Sun 25-Nov-12 20:38:27

Ok so you need support.

I tihnk anyfucker was actually giving you support.

People here are agreeing with you. You need to get out.

You need to take control of your life and end it, and then people here will be here for emotional support.

There is absolutely no reason why you should stay with this man till after Xmas. It's as easy as you make it. You do not have to let him back in after you finish it. You just have to be strong.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 25-Nov-12 20:38:28

I have been in a similar situation with such a man. It does not get better. In fact it only gets worse.sad

I know that it is difficult, but it is possible. I managed it, but it cost me my job and me and DS our home. The first and biggest step is to stop finding reasons to stay. The second, is to stop all contact (this is so much easier if you don't share a home or DCs). The third step is to get professional help to repair the damage done.

Marvelous, you have so few Christmases in your lifetime. Very few that you can enjoy with young DCs. Please do not waste this one with an abuser.

overmydeadbody Sun 25-Nov-12 20:40:41

You've had some very good advice and support on here so far. Maybe re-read what everyone has said.

It is as easy as telling him it is over, changing the locks, and deleting his number. You are not tied to this man. It is up to you to get him out of your life.

marvelousM Sun 25-Nov-12 20:48:07

I know I am just very sensitive as I've been told how stupid I am for so long I felt some of the posters were saying that, wereas deep down I know I am for staying a minute longer but if I'm honest I'm scared I guess, scared of him, scared of not being able to cope. He won't leave me alone, its hard but I know somehow I have to do it I need to make a plan I think I'm scared of dealing with the aftermath on my own, maybe doing it after xmas is stupid I don't know I'm just confused and not being me. I will go away and make a plan thanks again for reading

Meringue33 Sun 25-Nov-12 20:51:59

He sounds scary. Please get some help eg from Women's Aid to support you through this

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